Today's visual food diary

BREAKFAST: Herbalife shake made with 3 scoops of vanilla nutritional mix, 1 scoop of personalized protein powder, 1 cup if almond milk, 1 banana, 7 strawberries, cinnamon and sweetner

MORNING TEA: 1 sachet of berry oats, 1diced apple and 150ml of almond milk, 1scoop of protein powder and cinnamon

LUNCH: Pasta salad (80g of pasta shells, 5 slices of diced ham, 1 boiled egg, capsicum, 2 tbs of  fat free mayo) served on a bed of baby spinach with a cup of hot peach herbalife tea

AFTERNOON TEA: 1 banana and 1 large protein bar





TEA: Vegetable Lasagna with lightly salted vegetables (carrot, broccoli, peas and sweet potato)

DESSERT: 1 red berry layered Danone Greek Ultimate Yoghurt with a large pear

Less structured eating routine

Since starting a new job at mcdonalds, I have found it quite difficult to continue eating 6 meals everyday. Especially since I am usually gone from home for 6 hours or so, without a chance to eat.

To ensure I keep up my calorie intake, I am increasing the size of my meals as I decrease the number of meals I have. For instance today I only had time for 5 meals, but I increased the size of my first two meals and dessert to make up for it.

Although it seems as though I am forcing in much more food then I actually need at each meal, I know that this is what I need to do to make sure I get enough energy and dont lose weight. I know it is important for me to take this precaution as I still manage to lose weight much easier then other people, even when I dont want to.

What is your experience of this? Do you find that losing weight happens particularly easily after weight restoration happens? Do you have a possible explanation for this?

Finally, I will share with you my food diary for the day, as I know many of my readers enjoy them :)

Todays food diary

Pre breakfast snack (6:00am):
1 twist bar and 1 vanilla up and go supplement drink

Breakfast (9:00am)
2 portions of strawberry flavoured oats prepared with 50% water, 50% milk and topped with 1 large sliced banana

Late lunch (3:00pm)
1 packet of two minute noodles, 1 apple and 1 small kinder chocolate bar

Tea (6:00pm)
1 large serve of tomato pasta served on a bed of baby spinach with cherry tomatoes

Dessert (8:00pm)
1 tub of two fruits, 1 hot chocolate and 1 small packet of choc chip cookies (25g)

Me with my boyfriends cat Bella

Me with curly hair (since getting healthier, my curly hair has come back)

Recovery is possible, I am living proof

I wanted to write this post for one of my beautiful readers who has just gone into inpatients. Even though she is really struggling right now, I just wanted to remind her that no matter how awful and impossible recovery seems, it is possible, I am living proof!  The following diary entry I wrote while in hospital as an inpatient shows just how bad my mental state was in hospital but since then I have made a complete transformation in my attitude. So to my friend and anyone else feeling as though recovery is too difficult, I promise it isn't. You can do it, you just have to believe in yourself <3 xx

29/10/12
OMG! I am so angry. At my my dietician, the kitchen staff and at the stupid bloody nurses. Once again, tonight my meal was friggen huge. I am so over this bull shit. Don't they get it? I don't need to gain any more weight, my doctor said that herself but no doubt I will. Not only has my diet stayed the same as what it was when I was gaining lots of weight, but I have been getting these extra massive teas as well. I know I am going to gain tones because of my fucking shit metabolism. I am so sick of this. My legs are so fat and my stomach is even getting bigger.

My meal tonight was fried rice (half a plate) and 3 huge pieces of pork plus the normal amount of vegetables. I mean where is the sense in that? The dietician makes me so mad. When we usually have meat and vegetables for tea. we have two pieces of meat so why, on a night when I get an extra half a plate of fried rice, would I get 3 pieces of meat? I just wanted to throw the food back In the nurses face when she gave it to me. Why must they do this. I am already back to being average. I don't fucking want that, let alone to get bigger still. I want to be skinny and beautiful like the other anorexic patient here.

I am going to talk to my dietician and something better be done. I feel like a fat pig. I AM A FAT PIG. I want to throw up so badly, but I know I will get caught and then they will take my daily walk off the ward away. What's the bloody point anyway. I go for half an hour and walk really fast but that means nothing when I am eating the amount I am. It was really hot and I walked 4 kilometers today in half an hour.  I have blisters on my feet but I still went faster and faster to try and prevent gaining more weight. and then I came home to that bull shit meal.

I am over it. I want to go home so badly so I can try and lose some weight. I want to be perfect. I don't want to be fat and ugly. I know that I can not be happy the way I am now. I don't care if I am damaging my health, at least I can feel proud of myself and happy. what's the point in being 'healthy' if I am disgusting and miserable with it. I feel so sick. I am so over this shit hole. I am sick of feeling fat and disgusting. why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be skinny? Then I could be happy.

After hospital (part 1)

After sharing with you all my Inpatient experience, I think that it Is now important for me to share what happened to me once I was sent home.

As I said, my frame of mind was not much healthier when I left hospital  then when I went in. And my anorexia was just angrier as I had been forced to gain weight that I thought was extremely unnecessary. I compromised with my parents and agreed that I would try to stabilize my weight, but this didn't work. I was scared of most foods because I was scared they would make me gain weight which led to me under eating and losing weight.

I will share with you a part of a diary entry from when I first got home. You will probably notice that this entry is not angry like the last one I posted. Obviously my anorexia was not angered at the time I wrote It.

xxxxx

21/11/2012
So I am home, which I'd good.... I think! I have decided to concentrate really hard on stabilizing my weight. Although I know this will be hard as I will have to eat more than I am comfortable with, I would rather eat the food here then in Hospital where I will have to gain more weight. I would love to just be able to stay the size I am and avoid going back to hospital. 
The only reason I don't want to go back to hospital is because I don't want to gain weight. Besides that, I think I prefer being in hospital than at home. Mum is truly horrible. She constantly talks about what I have given up, as if I chose to get sick. She says that I no longer care about my future, just because I don't know If am ready to go straight to university next year or not. I just want to have a chance to get happy and enjoy myself. 
I feel like mum is laying down so many laws and being really controlling again which is a part of where my eating disorder began. Constantly rubbing in what I have lost through having anorexia doesn't help anything. It just makes us fight and makes me feel bad about myself.

xxxxx

Things were difficult with my family at home, just as they had been before I went to hospital. My parents were told by the hospital that I needed to continue eating the same meal plan but there was no way I was going to listen. I argued that if I continued to eat the sane amount I would continue to gain weight. They new I should be drinking juice and milky drinks still but I completely refused. Meal times became a disaster, especially tea. My mum tried to cook things she thought I would be comfortable with but I didn't want to eat anything. I Would argue with mum about how much I would have dished up on my plate and insisted that a small piece of fruit was enough for each snack.

The next month or so was all a bit of a blur. I can't really remember much about this time but I do remember arguing with my mum a lot. I know It would have been hard for her but our relationship had been rocky for a long time, even before I got anorexia which made listening to her even more difficult. I moved in with my nan on boxing day night and stayed with her for two months. In these two month, for the first time I was a relatively normal teenager. I worked as as waitress, hung out with friends, went camping, went to first few parties and became more confident.

I lost a bit of weight but was getting away with it. I prepared all of my own meals and my grandparents weren't concerned by what I was eating as I ate quite a lot of food but it was all very low calorie food. I was happy with how I looked and I honestly wasn't trying to lose weight anymore. I unintentionally under ate as I was scared that I would gain weight if I ate any more. I moved back home and my GP told me that if  I lost anymore weight I would have to go back to hospital so I did start eating more again. She also made we give up my job so I could just concentrate on looking after myself. My weight stabilized for a while but slowly I reduced my calorie intake. I stopped going to my GP so no longer had to worry about her threatening me with going back to hospital.

I ate a reasonable volume of food but all the foods I ate had a very low calorie density. I intentionally chose foods that would be filling and that had a Low gi so I wouldn't feel hungry. I became obsessed with food and would try and make my eating time as long as possible. I ate with tiny cutlery and also ate only tiny mouthfuls of food at a time. I ate a huge bowl of oats for breakfast each morning which took me over an hour to eat. I also ate a lot of tinned spaghetti and soup. I was extremely bored and spent my days Watching TV, doing chores around the house and thinking about food. I was only eating about 5500 kj a day and didn't think I was losing any weight. My dad had to move away for work and only came home on the weekends. Eventually I moved out of home and went to live full time with him when the fighting with my mum got to much.

To be continued.....

My last diary entry from hospital

I thought I would share with you the last diary entry I wrote before leaving hospital to give you an Idea of just how strong my anorexia still was. It makes me so sad to read back over this Diary entry. I haven't felt this much hate for myself for a long time and never want to have it again. I need to learn to love myself, even once I get back to a healthy weight. I need to learn to accept myself for who I truly am. All anorexics would agree that anorexia brings out a different side of you. I have never gotten this angry over anything in my life and never swear. This writing Is not a reflection of my true personality. They are not my words, but my eating disorders.

29/10/12
OMG! I am so angry. At my my dietician, the kitchen staff and at the stupid bloody nurses. Once again, tonight my meal was friggen huge. I am so over this bull shit. Don't they get it? I don't need to gain any more weight, my doctor said that herself but no doubt I will. Not only has my diet stayed the same as what it was when I was gaining lots of weight, but I have been getting these extra massive teas as well. I know I am going to gain tones because of my fucking shit metabolism. I am so sick of this. My legs are so fat and my stomach is even getting bigger.

My meal tonight was fried rice (half a plate) and 3 huge pieces of pork plus the normal amount of vegetables. I mean where is the sense in that? The dietician makes me so mad. When we usually have meat and vegetables for tea. we have two pieces of meat so why, on a night when I get an extra half a plate of fried rice, would I get 3 pieces of meat? I just wanted to throw the food back In the nurses face when she gave it to me. Why must they do this. I am already back to being average. I don't fucking want that, let alone to get bigger still. I want to be skinny and beautiful like the other anorexic patient here.

I am going to talk to my dietician and something better be done. I feel like a fat pig. I AM A FAT PIG. I want to throw up so badly, but I know I will get caught and then they will take my daily walk off the ward away. What's the bloody point anyway. I go for half an hour and walk really fast but that means nothing when I am eating the amount I am. It was really hot and I walked 4 kilometers today in half an hour.  I have blisters on my feet but I still went faster and faster to try and prevent gaining more weight. and then I came home to that bull shit meal.

I am over it. I want to go home so badly so I can try and lose some weight. I want to be perfect. I don't want to be fat and ugly. I know that I can not be happy the way I am now. I don't care if I am damaging my health, at least I can feel proud of myself and happy. what's the point in being 'healthy' if I am disgusting and miserable with it. I feel so sick. I am so over this shit hole. I am sick of feeling fat and disgusting. why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be skinny? Then I could be happy.