Going out for tea

I just got home after having a delicious meal out with my family at the local tavern. While ordering my meal I tried to fight my anorexic thoughts and get what I felt like, rather then what my anorexia wanted me to get. I decided I would have the grilled travalla as Ialways really enjoy that however I didn't know If I should have it with chips and salad or with vegetables. 

My anorexia wanted me to have it with the steamed vegetables however I wanted to have chips and salad with the fish, so that is exactely what I had. I knew that the salad would come dressed and that here would be a very generous serving of chips cooked in oil but I wanted to challenge my anorexiaa and do what I knew was best for my recovery.

It tasted delicious however I was feeling anxious and guilty while I was eating. I finished the salad and fish first and was unsure about whether I should finish all the chips or not. I decided I needed to determine why I didn't want to finish the meal. Was it because I was full (as it was a huge meal) or was it because my anxiety was beginning to overwhelm me? 

I decided that I could in fact eat more and that it was only my anorexia wanting me to leave some of my chips, so I made myself eat every last one. I was proud of myself for eating my entire meal but I new that my battle had only just begun. For the next hour or so I sat at the table feeling guilty for what I had eaten and also anxious about whether I would eat dessert when I got home or not.

When I got home, the last thing I felt like doing was eating dessert. I was still full from tea and knew that my dinner probably contained the same amount of calories as my usual tea and dessert put together. So eating my usual dessert as well would mean eating heaps more then I usually do. Despite all of this I knew in my heart what I needed to do in order to truly fight my anorexia. 

I made myself a large bowl of vanilla icecream and sprinkled a crushed Flake chocolate bar on top. So even though fighting my anorexia tonight has been difficult and caused me some pain, I know that it has all been worth it. Because tomorrow morning I will wake up a little bit stronger and a little bit closer to being fully recovered then I did this morning.

Before going out to dinner with my family

Reflecting on my time away from home

I was extremely nervous and anxious about going away for the 4 day training course in launceston for my bank job. While I am extremely happy to now be home again, I can see that these 4 days away are exactly what I needed to remotivate myself in my recovery.

It is important that we are able to recognise when we have made achievements and that we are also able to feel proud of these achievements. For me, this week has been full of wonderful achievements that I am proud of myself for making. I feel as though I have made the most progress in terms of my recovery in the past week, then I have in any other week of my life.

I didnt exercise at all even though my anorexia made me feel guilty when I didn't. I recognised the fact that it was actually my anorexia wanting me to exercise so I made sure I went against these thoughts and did as little exercise as possible. I have used my true voice to argue with any anorexic thoughts I have had over the last 4 days. No matter what my anorexia tried to tell me, I made sure I did the complete opposite.

I ate food from the restaurant three nights in a row and ate the entirety of each meal. I did not chose the lowest calorie option but whatvI truly felt like when I was ordering. Even more importantly, I did not restrict my dessert or my food intake earlier in the day to compensate for having a large dinner with an unknown number of calories in it.

I have tried to ignore the thoughts I am starting to have about my changing body and have not let these thoughts bring me down. I know that I have body dysmorphia and therefore cant trust that what I see in the mirror is real. Yes my body is changing but I need to keep telling myself that it is for the better, I am just getting physically stronger.

I really made the most of being outside my comfort zone and really took this opportunity to stand up to my anorexia better then I ever have been able to do before. While I was away I could have let my anxiety get the better of me and could have just given into my anorexia but I am so glad I didn't. Everytime I went against my anorexia I could feel my true self getting stronger, making it slightly easier for me to fight the next time anorexic thoughts arose.

The last week has really shown me that I can be stronger then  my anorexia and no matter how hard it may seem, you never have to give in to you eating disorder thoughts. I have managed to gain 700g over the past 6 days which is a huge achievement. An even bigger achievement may be the fact that I am glad about this weight gain. My anorexia isnt glad (as it is constantly reminding me) but the real me is truly happy as I can see that all my hard work this week has not only made me mentally stronger, but physically stronger as well.

Now I am home, I know I need to continue fighting my anorexia with as much determination as possible. The goals I have set for myself are;
-To continue to go against any anorexic thoughts I have, no matter how convincing or strong they may be
-To exercise as little as possible and to not compensate by eating less
-To continue eating meals prepared by others even if it just once a week
-To stop myself from restricting in other meals, just because one meal is going to be/has been bigger

Over the past few days I have realised that I am strong enough to always fight my anorexic voice. Yes this can be incredibely painful at times. In fact, it is much more painful in the short term to fight your anorexia than to give into it. We need to remember that the easiest option is generally not the right option however and that we must put ourselves through the pain of recovery so that we can enjoy the happiness that comes with actually being recovered.

A huge day

I have had a huge day today and it feels like forever since I left home this morning. I left home at 6:30am and it was still completely dark. It was wet and windy while driving up to launceston and the closer I got, the more nervous I began to feel about driving through the city. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I reached my hotel and realized I had been worried over nothing. The hotel is only at the edge of the city and in the area of Launceston I am most familiar with which also helped a lot.

The reason I am so familiar with the area is because the hotel is directly accross the road from the hospital where I was an inpatient for 6 weeks. While I was an inpatient I would go for my daily walks around the area (which were actually more like runs). The whole time I was walking I was completely controlled by my anorexia and when I got back the nurses would always be angry with me as I would be hot and sweaty from walking so fast.

I would love to go and see the nurses on the kids ward while I am here but I dont think I will as they would probably be dissapointed with me, as I am actually thinner now then I was when I was first admitted there. I have made plans to go out for tea with my Best Friend who lives in Launceston Thursday night. Grace has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and I will always consider her to be my best friend even though I feel as though we have become a bit more distant since I got sick.

All of the people attending the training course are lovely which has also been very reassuring for me. And I have coped relatively well with my food considering being so far outside my comfort zone. After looking through the restaurant menu here at the hotel I soon realised that the type of food was very 'fancy' and nothing at all like what I was used to. Half of the ingredients in the meal descriptions I had never even heard of and the meals were incredibely expensive.

A few of the options were;

Togarashi Spiced Crispy Skin Salmon with Spanner Crab, sweet corn and nishiki rice

Roasted Chicken breast with tomatoes, red peppers and shitake mushrooms w' coriander verde'

Charred venison with sweet potato, garlic and eggplant w' fried ginko beans and jus

So you can probably see why the menu looked a little intimidating to me whose idea of going out for tea is having a counter meal at the pub with my family. I decided to go to the supermarket and get some shelf ready hokkien stir fry noodles, chicken breast and teriyaki sauce. When I got back to my hotel room I ordered a plate of steamed vegetables from room service and then mixed them with the noodles (which I just needed to add to boiling water, chicken and teriyaki sauce to make a yummy terriyaki chicken stir fry. It was delicious, but not as nice as the vanilla slice I had for dessert that I also bought from the supermarket. It has been a long time since I last ate vanilla slice but it has always been my favourite type of bakery dessert. As well as the slice I have also had a pear and a honeycomb hot chocolate since tea.

I am not 100% sure whether I would have eaten more or less than I usually do today as my meal plan has been a little disrupted. I missed my small portion of fruit at morning tea time and my drink of juice at afternoon tea time but could have eaten more than usual for tea and dessert, I honestly dont know. Regardless of whether I ate a few more or few less calories then usual, I am still happy with what I ate and what I have achieved today. I certainly would not have lost weight even if I did eat a little bit less as I still ate heaps and I faced a lot of my fears.

Tomorrow I am going to stick to my meal plan as much as I possibely can, up until Tea and dessert anyway to ensure I am eating the right amount for me whilst I am recovering. I am going to the hotels restaurant with my friend on Thursday night so if I dont feel brave enough to tackle one of the hotels 'fancy' meals tomorrow night on my own, I may go to another restaurant in town.

I hope everyone has had a great day today! :)

Eating food with an unknown number of calories

It would be an understatement to say that I am terrified of eating foods that I have not prepared myself or that I can not calculate the approximate number of calories within. This is my biggest fear and will no doubt be the hardest thing for me to overcome whilst recovering.


When I know how many calories are in what I am eating, I feel as though I am in complete control of what I am eating. Surprisingly I do not only feel anxious that I may eat too many calories, I feel almost just as anxious that I may not eat enough. This is why I scrape food containers really well to make sure I get the entire contents out and why I always completely finish everything I have cooked and dished up on my plate.

This is also why I start panicking if I ever spill some of what I am eating as then I feel as though I have not eaten enough. For example if I was cooking oats in the microwave and they started to over flow a little, I would freak out that there would no longer be the right amount left in the bowl. Sometimes I would even start again with a completely new sachet of oats so that I know I am getting the right amount.

While needing to know the amount of calories in what I am eating is still a really big problem for me, I have made some progress with this in my recovery so far.  I no longer feel as though it is necessary for me to know the exact number of calories a meal or snack contains therefore do not feel the need to weigh everything I eat. Although it was painful to make this progress, I hope that with some more hard work I can continue to improve until eventually I dont feel the need to count calories at all.

I know it is not logical for me to be so scared of eating 'too much' whilst I am trying to gain weight but I still am, just as I am scared of eating too little. Its like not knowing what I am eating is what scares me as not knowing feels like losing control. I guess it makes sense that I am so scared of losing control of my food as it was the thing I chose to control when I felt as though I had no other control in my life.

I found the following article from this site sums up the relationship I developed with food due to my calorie counting really well so decided to share it with you. If you want to read more about reasons to stop calorie counting from this writer, follow the link I have provided above.

I used to count calories. It was part of my training as a dietitian – one of our homework assignments. It seemed everyone in my class was really good at it, like they had memorized the calorie content of a bunch of foods. I treated the project as more of an experiment. I mean, if this is what we’re supposed to have our patients do, I should be able to do it.

The funny thing is, the more I counted calories, the less I was paying attention to the food in front of me. It was like looking at a spreadsheet on a plate. All you see is numbers.

I’d choose the less tasty entree because it was lower in calories, even if it didn’t sound appealing. If I got hungry after the meal, I’d second guess myself. “But I ate 700 calories!? That should be enough!”

It was like a battle between the calculator and my stomach. The calculations said I needed a certain amount of calories per day. If I went over, it was a “bad” day. If I went under, it was an excuse to eat junk food. I’d think to myself, “Well, these chocolates are only 90 calories…”

I’ll admit, I failed miserably at counting calories and gave up within a few weeks. I never really enjoyed it and I felt restricted, like I was going to develop disordered eating. I questioned the accuracy of all the calculations. There are a number of formulas to choose from and they all give you different answers. I couldn’t memorize the nutrition facts like my classmates, and frankly, I got tired of feeling like I belonged in the remedial nutrition class

A big week ahead

This week is a really big week for me. I have to travel to Launceston (the second biggest city in Tasmania) to oerow morning where I am attending a 4 day training course for my bank job. There are many dufferent things I am already feeling really anxious about.

1. I have to drive in the city which is something I have never done before

While I have been driving in the country for years, I have never driven in the city as the thought of it has always made me really anxious. I could have asked my parents to drive me but I felt as though it was time for me to step outside of my comfort zone and confront this fear. All I need to do is remember to stay calm and breathe. It would be so much more convenient for me if I can learn to drive into the city by myself and I know that the only way I will ever conquer this fear is if I confront it head on.

2. I am going to be away from home for 3 nights so have to leave my dog Tess with my nan

I havent left Tess overnight before but I know she will hate it. I left her at my nans one day while I was at work to see how she would go and she howled and cried until I went back to get her. I dont want her to feel as though I have abandoned her as she is an extremely anxious dog (we are a great pair ;) ). I like my daily routine and being at home but I know that it is good to step outside your comfort zone sometimes and break your routine.

3. There are no cooking facilities in my hotel room so I will not be able to eat my normal meal plan.

Fortunately there is a bar fridge and kettle in my room but there isn't anything else. I am taking a toaster so I can atleast make myself toast for breakfast and my morning Tea, lunch and afternoon tea can hopefully all still be the same. Lunch is actually provided as apart of the course but I would just prefer to take my own lunch so I can be confident I am eating enough. I know it is important to step outside your comfort zone but I know I would be constantly trying to analyze whether I had eaten either too little or two much which would make me feel incredibely anxious.

4. I will have to eat at the restaurant 3 nights in a row

I still find eating out difficult even for just a single night so I am really nervous about doing this three nights in a row. I will have no idea how many calories each meal contains but I am determined to make the most of this opportunity to fight my anorexia. I can find ordering off of a menu quite difficult as my anorexic thoughts start to get jumbled up with my own but I am confident I will be able to choose and eat a substantial meal each night. The main challenge for me will be to stop myself from restricting after dinner if I get a particularly big meal.

5. I dont know anyone who is going to be there

I admit that I dont have great social skills, especially since having anorexia. I have become very socially withdrawn since becoming ill and get nervous before meeting new people. Due to my lack of self confidence, I constantly worry about what others think of me and that I will do something wrong or embarrasing. While it makes me anxious, I know that opportunities like these are exactely what I need to meet new people and become more confident in myself.

So this is going to be a challenging week for me but also a good week for me to face some of my fears and also to fight my anorexia. Luckily there is free wifi at the hotel so I will be able to take my tablet and continue blogging as usual and update you all on how I am coping.

I have no idea what I will have for dessert each night. I dont think I feel ready to eat dessert at the restaurant straight after my main meal yet but perhaps this is exactely what I need to do. I just dont want to push myself too hard and end up feeling completely awful about myself and moving backwards in my recovery. What do you think I should do?