Anxiety

I honestly think that every person I have ever spoken to in my life who suffers from an eating disorder also suffers from anxiety too. This has certainly been the case for me anyway. I have had anxiety my whole life however I have only had anorexia for about 3 and a half years. Whilst in recovery from an eating disorder, I think it is just as important to address your anxiety as it is to actually treat your eating disorder. 

Since I am naurally a very anxious person, I do not know if it is actually possible to overcome my anxiety all together. I hope that I can, but if I cant I still intend to keep dealing with my anxiety as well as I possibely can. Currenty I take daily anti--anxiety medication and I find that this makes a massive difference. This tablet does not change anything else about me, it simply just stops me from worrying so much about every little thing.

Something else that I find helpful is just forcing myself to be rational. Or use my 'stronger voice' to tell myself that I am being silly or over reacting. For example, If I start panicking that I have eaten too much, I would firstly remind myself that it is only my anorexia that is making me feel this way. I would also remind myself that I should never listen to my anorexia as my anorexia ultimately wants me dead. I then try to put my anxious thoughts into perspective. 

I would ask myself 'who cares if I did eat a litttle more then usual. The worst thing that could happen is that I gain a tiny little bit of weight and this cant hurt me.' I always try and think about all of the real problems that people are currently facing in the world and gaining a gram or two really is not one of them. I found the following information on the Eating Disorder Hope website and thought it explained the relationhip between anxiety and anorexia well. 

Connections & Relationship between Anxiety and Eating Disorders

Often, it is the case that anxiety precedes an eating disorder. In struggling with severe anxiety, for instance, being able to control the aspect of one’s life, such as food, weight, and exercise, indirectly gives the suffer a false sense of control, which can temporarily relieve symptoms experienced due to anxiety. Now the man or woman has a dual diagnosis of an eating disorder and anxiety. These learned behaviors however, can inadvertently lead to the development of an eating disorder, such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.

Treatment of Anxiety and Eating Disorders

For these reasons, it is crucial that anxiety is treated in conjunction with treatment of an eating disorder; particularly as the two are closely related and common issues are addressed to heal from the underlying factors associated with both disorders. Comprehensive treatment considerations for an individual suffering from both anxiety and an eating disorder are cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychotherapy, support groups, and some medications that can be helpful in managing anxiety and separating feelings from food. Learning healthier coping mechanisms for managing anxiety are also the focus of treatment.

Recovery is hard for everyone

The truth is, after seeing that I weighed significantly less yesterday morning then I did at my previous weigh in, I still was not convinced I had lost weight. When I had to decide how I would add more calories to my meal plan, lots of ideas came to my mind but I was deterred from many of them as I believed  they would add too many calories, considering 'I most likely hadnt even lost weight.' 

I decided to make the small change from a medium piece of fresh fruit to dried fruit for my afternoon Tea but deep down I knew that this change was not significant enough. Deep down I knew that the my anorexia had influenced my decision about what change I should make and all day the guilt ate away at me. 

I felt as though I had given into my anorexia which is something I havent knowingly done for a very long time, by believing it when it told me I hadnt really gained weight and by only making a very small change. I felt as though I had let myself and my readers down. Last night I realised that it wasnt too late to fight my anorexia and that is exactly what I did.

Firstly I accepted the fact that I had failed to gain weight, infact I had lost it and therefore had to increase my calorie intake so that I could continue gaining weight. I thought about the ways the extra energy would allow my body to repair and recover faster and more efficiently. By then I didnt just feel as though I needed to increase my calories further, I actually wanted to increase my calories further. I then thought about some other changes I could make. 

In the end I decided to still have the dried fruit instead of the less calorie dense fresh fruit but I would have a bigger portion of it. I also decided to add some milk to my hot chocolate. These flavoured hot chocolates are designed to just have water added to them but last night, instead of adding boiling water and topping it up with cold water, I added boiling water and then topped it up with cold milk. Another small change I made was I have started making my morning oats with just milk, instead of some milk and some water which is what I have been previously doing.

While I was dissapointed in myself for temporarily giving into my anorexia, I am proud because I recognised what I had done and fixed it. There is no such thing as a perfect recovry. Everybody has ups and down, but as long as the ups outweigh the downs, we will get there in the end.

Rainy day, missing comments and Thank-you

It is raining at the moment so I wont be taking Tess for a walk this morning if it doesnt stop. If I am completely honest I do feel a little bit anxious about not going for a walk with her this morning but I havent let this stop me from doing the right thing for me and my recovery. As I was making myself breakfast this morning, thoughts popped into my head telling me that I didnt need to eat as much because as I wouldnt be going for a walk this morning. Fortunately I was strong enough to push these thoughts aside and made myself my usual breakfast (with some extra peanut butter, just to annoy my anorexia even more ;)).

So while I was anxious at first about the thought of not being able to go for a walk, in a way I am kind of feeling grateful for the rain now. This morning the rain has given me an extra chance to fight my anorexia, bringing me that little bit closer to recovery. If I cant go for a walk today, I will not let myself compensate in any way as I promised I would not listen to my anorexia anymore and compensating would be doing just that. I know it will be hard to do this, infact it would be easier just to give in, but sometimes the hardest path in life is the right path and this is one of those times.

If anyone has noticed anything weird going on with my comments it is because I accidently deleted by latest 50 comments last night. I was so devastated as it means so much to me when you all comment on my posts so I have tried my best to fix it. I have spent quite a few hours since then going back through the notifications I recieve via email whenever a comment is published on my blog and have manually re entered each of them onto my blog. This was obviously quite difficult and I could have quite easily missed some of them so if you notice any of our conversations have disappeared please let me know so I can find them in my mailbox and repost them. :)

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for all of your support. As I was reading through all my comments it made me realise just how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people by my side as I try and recover. My blog just wouldnt be the same without all of you and you all mean a great deal to me. I Really cant thank you enough.

Have a great day everyone. Be strong and keep fighting.
<3