A great Summer

This week I have commenced my final year of university study. Although I am exciting to be nearing the end of my university degree, I really am not feeling motivated to be back studying again as I was really enjoying my summer break. Overall, this summer has been a really enjoyable one. Here in Tasmania really hot days are usually quite rare, even in summer however this year we have had continuous weeks of hot weather which I have really enjoyed.

Christmas and New years was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed getting to spend heaps of time with my partner as he had a couple of weeks off work. We had his kids quite a bit which I really enjoyed as they are great kids and treat me really well. We spent multiple days at the dam or river just swimming and sunbaking, eating yummy foods, relaxing and drinking sometimes too. I attended my first Rodeo which was a lot of fun, went to melbourne to see Shanis Twain in concert and also participated in a 5 kilometer fun run called 'run the bridge'.

My mindset has been pretty good over the past few months and I am becoming more and more comfortable with my body which is great. My weight has stabilised at what I think is probably a healthy and natural weight for me and I feel relatively happy and healthy in myself. The eating disorder qualms I was having throughout the year last year have got a lot better and although I weigh around 5 kilograms more than I did this time last year, I don't dislike my body any less.

I suppose what happened to me last year was an important reminder to me that as much as I would like to, I cant just forget about my eating disorder past and live like everybody else. I honestly believed that I was fully recovered and that I didn't have to worry about food or weight or anything else ever again and then my eating disorder creeped back in. This wasn't reflected in my weight as I didn't lose weight but I could tell by my thoughts that I was relapsing.

I have managed to pull it all together however and even though I am feeling much better now, I don't want to make the same mistake again and risk falling into that disordered mind set. Don't get me wrong, I still have days now when I get anxious and worry about what to eat, how I look and what I weigh however I am on top of it enough to not let it affect my actions or stop me from being healthy or living my life.

It has been a bit hard since my partner has gone back to work as we are still living an hour a part and he has no drivers licence however any days/nights we aren't together we spend a lot of time chatting on the phone or messaging. His family are also incredibly welcoming of me so I stay with them all quite a lot and feel like a part of the family when I am there which is really nice. We have an amazing relationship and I feel incredibly grateful for how well he treats me and how special he makes me feel.

I don't really have much else to report, I just wanted to let everyone know how I am getting on and remind people that there is life at the end of an eating disorder. No matter how hopeless or impossible recovery may seem, you can do it! It is hard, excruciating in fact however I promise it is well worth it in the end. I still read back through my old journals from when I was sick sometimes and every time I amaze myself, thinking about how sick I was and how far I have come. So I truly do believe that recovery is possible for anyone, you just have to believe in yourself and work hard!

Loving life

A lot has happened since last time I posted but I can honestly say I am currently happy and healthy and making the most of my recovered life! Just before Christmas last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. It was so hard  losing Nathan as he  was my best friend and the person I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with however it became evident that we wanted different things in life and unfortunately he just wasn’t capable of loving me as much as I loved him. So I accepted the fact that we needed to part ways and although it was incredibly difficult at the time, I can now see that it was the best thing for me! I moved home to Swansea with my dad and sister which was good timing really as my parents had separated not long before so I basically stepped up and took on the mother  role for my little sister. I also got a job waitressing at the local pub and made a plan to continue my university course from home in Swansea when classes commenced in 2018.

Everybody was so frightened that I would get sick again when I broke up with my boyfriend but I was determined to prove everyone wrong and made sure I continued eating well whether I felt like it or not. It took me months to stop feeling really sad everyday as I missed Nathan so much but it honestly has got so much easier! I have made some amazing friends here in Swansea which made the main difference  and love being home with my dad and sister. I have even mended me and my mums broken relationship and  have myself a new guy friend that I spend a fair bit of time with and care for a lot which has also helped me to move on from Nathan! It seriously would have been so easy to just fall back into bad habits when I was miserable and missing Nathan but I never skipped a meal no matter how terrible I felt and simply didn’t let my anorexia take advantage of my vulnerability. I new I needed to stay healthy and strong so that I could go on to live the life I deserved one day.

I am currently really happy with the relationship I have with food and have even gained a few kilo since moving home which has been good for me (probably due to all the socializing I have been doing which typically involves drinking alcohol and eating out with friends at restaurants)! I have also become relaxed enough around food just to graze on things that are laying around the house without worrying about the calories they contain or how much I have eaten each day. I no longer go to a gym which is something I was doing a lot of before I moved back home to Swansea but I can honestly say I like my body more now then I did before I gained these last few kilos! I feel more womanly and confident in my own body and still manage to stay active between walking my dog around Swansea and also waitrssing which is surprisingly an incredibly active job! I have been managing to balance my home,work, social and uni lives pretty well. 

I did find myself feeling quite rundown and exhausted over the last couple of weeks and I was suffering from quite heavy nose bleeds and headaches. I went to the doctor and had some blood tests which revealed I had become iron deficient and anemic so I had an iron transfusion a couple of days ago and am already starting to feel better! From now on I just need to make more of an effort to eat more red meat and monitor my iron levels to make sure they don’t fall low again. As well as everything else I am already juggling I have just bought a horse and joined a netball team so I am about to be even busier if that is even possible, so I can’t afford to be feeling drained or unwell! I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling strong and positive as I have a bit of uni to catch up on during the day and then have to work tomorrow night. Anyway so better go to sleep now and I just want to remind everyone that no matter how hard recovery may seem, I promise it is worth it! 

Stay strong and keep fighting, 

Karly XX

An update + To the Bone review

I thought I would write a post and just update everyone on how I have been going lately. I haven't written a personal post for a long time and although I feel guilty for not posting more often, regular blogging just doesn't feel like the right thing for me anymore. I miss some aspects of blogging and am incredibly grateful for my blog, as I honestly don't think I would have ever recovered without it but in order to move keep moving forward, I felt as though writing about anorexia all the time was keeping me in the past and preventing me from getting on with my life. I love the fact that people from all over the world are still reading my blog though and love hearing from people, who say that my blog is helping them in there own recoveries.

I have just had a month off from university which was great as exams at the end of last semester really took it out of me. I found myself getting incredibly stressed and anxious and I was a real mess for a couple of weeks. I managed to get through them though and was really happy with the results I received, so it all seemed worth it in the end. Just before exams I had been working out everyday and was in the best shape of my life. I had not only got fitter but stronger too. I cut out nearly all exercise whilst I was doing my exams however and am only just starting to get right back into it again. It was nice to have a break though and I am excited to try and get my fitness back to where it was about 2 months ago. The challenge for me will be to also increase my food uptake to make sure I don't lose any weight.

I still find that I lose weight very easily and find it much harder to gain weight. Although I cut out exercise whilst I was studying for my exams, loss of muscle as well as stress lead to me losing about 2 kilograms. This is also why I didn't start exercising again straight after exams as I wanted to regain the weight first, which I have now done. My relationship with food is still really good (the best it has ever been) and my eating disorder no longer interferes with my life. I eat 6 meals a day without fail and although I mainly eat typically healthy foods, I also enjoy eating other foods too like pizza, ice cream and chocolate. I still use some Herbalife products but not as many as I used to (mainly because I could not afford to keep using all of the products I was). I still have a shake when I get up every morning, drink the herbal tea and use the protein powder and a few of the vitamins.

I have started university again this week and spent last weekend in my hometown with my boyfriend. I don't get back to Swansea all that often so when I do it is really nice to see all of my family, especially my little sister and my dad. I don't really have any plans for this weekend but I will most likely spend it trying to stay warm. It has been freezing here lately and although there is no snow where I live, we wake up most mornings to a frost and sometimes the temperature doesn't go above 5 degrees Celsius. I still try and get out for a walk most days though as otherwise I find I start to feel a bit depressed and down if I stay inside all the time, especially when I am in Launceston by myself.

I watched To the Bone the other day and was really disappointed by it (as I think most people were). I was expecting the film to be a really good representation of what Anorexia is truly like as the film was directed by someone who had anorexia and the main actress had also suffered from anorexia however that wasn't the case at all. I had hoped that the film would raise awareness about anorexia and show the world what it was really about however I think if anything, it reinforced the stereotypes that are currently associated with anorexia in our society. I also think it would have been really triggering to anyone with the illness and don't recommend anyone watches it who is currently suffering from anorexia or trying to recover. I was also quite outraged that the main character was asked to lose weight to resemble someone with anorexia as she had actually previously had anorexia and recovered. This is an incredibly dangerous thing to ask any recovered anorexic to do and I hope that it hasn't made that actor relapse.

I better get back to my studying, thanks to all of those people who still read my blog, despite the fact I rarely post anymore. And always remember that if you are suffering from an eating disorder or trying to recover, no matter how impossible it may seem, YOU CAN RECOVER! No matter how difficult it may seem, you are strong enough to fight your illness and do what it takes to recover. I promise you that it is more than worth it in the end, when you get to live the life you truly deserve to live! Stay strong, You've got this! 

Just a little update

I know that this post is well over due and for that I apologise. I was hoping that when I completed university last semester I would have more time for blogging but sadly that has not been the case at all. Life has been super busy and I am a little worried about how hectic things will be when I return to uni for my next semester. Part of me is excited to get back into studying again as I truly do love learning, especially about health science however another part of me is feeling a little lazy about going back to studying. I am confident however that I will be able to keep a happy and balanced lifestyle again this year, as I was able to do last year. I was so proud of my results for my last semester of study and even prouder that I was able to stay so healthy and happy while achieving those results, unlike at times in the past when I was unable to do this.

Outside of study and work, things are still great for me. Things are as wonderful as ever between my gorgeous boyfriend Nathan and myself and I am still feeling fantastic on my Herbalife Nutrition program. I feel as though my relationship with food is still wonderful and I am able to just enjoy everyday the way all people should be able to, with no added anxiety, fear or stress. Life is simply good! I exercise most days, either at the gym or by going for a walk with a friend and I love feeling so fit and healthy. Something I have found since being on my Herbalife nutrition program is that my immune system is incredible. I cant remember the last time I was sick and even when those around me get colds or illnesses, I never seem to get them. I guess this just goes to show how healthy my body really is now, as it manages to fight off any viruses before I actually start experiencing any symptoms.

My weight is stable and I do not feel as though I have to try really hard to keep it that way. I just listen to my body and it tells me if I need to eat more to make up for any extra physical activity I may do. I know approximately how many calories I eat each day (lets be honest, its difficult not to know how much we eat in terms of calories as post anorexics) but eating more or less doesn't scare me. Of course I try not to eat less then my usual amount most days but occasionally due to lack of appetite or hectic work hours I will eat slightly less. Just as I sometimes eat more if I have a weekend away or am extra Hungary. Neither of which scare me anymore which feels great. I know that this wont affect my weight and that this is just how normal people live!

Nathan and me (far left) with our gang at the Adelaide Herbalife Spectacular Party

Nathan and I (taken out with friends in Hobart) 

Since starting Herbalife and making a full recovery from anorexia, I feel the healthiest and happiest I ever have in my life!

Feeling unwell

Even though I woke up feeling fine this morning, throughout the day my energy levels are rapidly depleting and I just dont feel very well at all. I am feeling tired and drained, even though I havent been very busy and I feel nauseous too.

I have been getting hot and cold flushes also, which suggests I probably have a touch of a stomach bug or some other virus. Fingers crossed it will pass quickly and I will be back to my usual energetic and bubbly self before I know it.

I feel terrible as I know that I am not very good company for my poor boyfriend but for the the time being I just need to look after myself. Which means having a rest day and letting my body recover from whatever I have. 

Personal update

My boyfriend and I both went back to my home town this past weekend for the first time since I moved to Launceston, about a month ago. It was so wonderful to see all my family again as well as catch up with some of my old friends. While I enjoyed heading back to Swansea for the weekend, leaving again on Sunday night and coming back to Launceston made me realise that I have bo regrets at all about my decision to leave my life in Swansea behind.

Even though it is a bit hard for me as I am still searching for work and am also yet to start university, I am still the happiest I have been in years. This is purely because I now get to see my wonderful boyfriend every single day instead of just on the weekends. I get a bit lonely and bored during the day when my boyfriend is at work but I just keep busy as best as I can and make the most of the time we do spend together.

I start university in 2 months so am very excited about that and this helps me to get through the boredom of my days now, as I know that it wont last forever and I will be busy again before long. I am hoping to find a part time or casual job that I can continue doing once I am at university. I have applied for various customer service jobs but am still awaiting responses for those.

As far as my anorexic thoughts and weight is concerned, I am feeling really good. After making a conscious effort to fight my anorexic thoughts and eat more for only a week or so, I have already noticed a huge improvement which is great. Although I am yet to check my weight, my anorexic thoughts have stopped coming as regularly and I am worrying much less.

I am confident that I would no longer be losing weight and also that I have managed to tackle the potential relapse I may have almost experienced, before it actually occurred. I am determined to continue eating more and fighting my thoughts, to prevent what has previously happened, from happening again. I am just glad that I was able to recognise the fact that I was possibly falling back into some of my old ways and do something about it, before doing any serious damage to myself.

So... theres this boy

I feel strange writing about this on here but since I share everything else with you all anyway, I may as well share this too. And I feel as tgough I need to explain why once again my blogging might not be the best this weekend.

For the past few weeks, I have been talking to a particular guy who I have never met, but who is a friend of a friend. He is incredibely nice and easy to talk to and we seem to have a lot in common. The only bad thing is, he lives over three hours away which means that it is a very long way to travel, in order for us to meet up.

Despite this we have organised for him to come up to Swansea this weekend sonwe can meet and hopefully spend some more time together. I felt terrible asking him to drive all the way down here but he doesn't seem to mind at all which i think is so sweet. 

Something else I think is sweet is that he has agreed to come and watch my little sisters dance concert on Saturday night. I am pretty sure that going to something like that would be incredibely unappealing to most 22 year old guys, but he has said he will go anyway, as I guess he can tell its important to me.

So even though i havent actually met this guy in person yet, I can already tell that he is a great guy and I hope that things arent awkward at all when he arrives. We talk basically every day already so I dont think it will be hard for us to make conversation. But I suppose only time will tell. 

For so long whilst I was sick, I had no interest in guys what so ever. But now I feel as though I want a relationship, more then anything else. I feel as though a relationship would help me in my final stages of recovery as it would help to normalize my life and make me start acting more like a typical 21 year old girl.

Even if things dont get as far as a realtionship with this boy, I know that I have found a new friend who is an amazing person. So I feel as though it is impossible to lose in this particular situation. I am a bit nervous about meeting this guy for the first time but I am sure it will be fine. Wish me luck (although I really hope I don't need it!).

I just found this on line, hopefully it helps haha.

How to Make Things Less Awkward When First Meeting a Guy

by Beth Burgess, Demand Media 

Laughing and smiling can help you feel less awkward.

It is normal to feel a bit awkward when first meeting someone new, and this can feel especially difficult if it's a guy you might be interested in romantically. Girls may feel self-conscious and worry about how they come across to a guy, which can produce feelings of anxiety and stress. He may be feeling just as nervous as you, but luckily there are ways to put you both at ease and make the encounter less awkward.

Smile at Him

Take the pressure out of the situation simply by smiling. Not only does a smile look warm and welcoming to a guy, but it could actually relieve you both of stress. According to a study published in "Psychological Science" in 2012, smiling during a stressful event can reduce your heart rate, making you feel less anxious. The University of Kansas research showed that a genuine smile, which engages the muscles surrounding both the mouth and eyes, is even more effective for reducing stress than a smile using only the lips. Think briefly of a happy memory to bring about a genuine grin.

Make Him Laugh

When people feel socially awkward, humor can often help to break the ice. A study by John Jay College, which was published in "Group Processes and Intergroup Relations," showed that making a joke diffused tension when people were in awkward social encounters. A good introductory joke that doesn't sound too corny is: “When I told my best friend I was meeting you tonight, she advised me: ‘Don’t try to be too charming, witty or intellectual. Just be yourself.’”

Talking Topics

Other things that made people feel less awkward when getting to know each other included emphasizing common interests and receiving compliments, the University of Kansas research revealed. A good way of doing both things together is to pick up on an item of clothing he is wearing and tell him what you like about it. Perhaps you could compliment his shoes and tell him you have a pair that are the same brand. Or you could mention that his shirt is your favorite color.

Conversing Smoothly

People often find it difficult to have a flowing conversation with someone new, because they make short, closed statements, reports the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast. For a conversation to flow, you must provide "hooks" that a guy can catch onto, so he can continue the conversation. A good way of doing this is by making a statement and then asking him a question about it. You could try: "I saw a great movie yesterday. Do you have a favorite film?" or “I'm going to a concert tomorrow. What music do you like?"

Just a little update

Yesterday was another positive and happy day for me which I am thankful for. The day started off very busy and hectic as I had to get all the kids I was babysitting off to school before I headed to work myself.

I was up at 5am with one of then as she had to travel back to boarding school in the city on the bus, so I ate breakfast with her and then headed for my walk with Tess as soon as she left. When I got back, I had to get all the other kids ready for school.

Once all the kids were picked up I had to head straight to work so that I wouldn't be late. I had a busy day at work which made the day pass quickly which was good. I was pretty tired by the time I got home from work so I just had some tea, walked Tess and then relaxed for the rest of the night.

Even though I have been quite tired lately, I am still feeling really happy, healthy and positive which is all I could ever ask for. I have realised that sometimes things happen in life that arent great, but we shouldnt let these things ruin our happiness. We just need to keep moving forward and enjoy life while we are here.

Today I am working at the bank again. I feel as though there is so much to do at work at the moment but I know I cant let myself get stressed out. I just need to keep a clear head and get it all done. I am just about to take Tess for a walk which I cant really be bothered doing to be honest. Having a snooze on the couch seems much more tempting.

I hope everyones week is going great. Enjoy your day :) x

Back to work

I cant believe the weekend is over already and now I am going back to work for another week. I really feel as though I could do with a day resting after working all weekend but that will just have to wait for Thursday as that is my next day off work. After a good nights sleep last night, I am not really feeling too tired. In fact I am feeling quite energized! I just ate breakfast and when I finish writing this post I am going to get ready and take Tess for a walk.

Breakfast: Toast with Cashew Spread and Vanilla Oats

At the moment I am really enjoying getting outside and taking Tess for nice long walks but I don't feel as though I HAVE to do this which is good. Afterall, it is so easy to get addicted to exercise or to use it as a compensation tool for eating and I really don't want to do anything like that. Ass long as I am exercising purely for enjoyment and health I am happy but I do not think that it is healthy for me to exercise if I don't enjoy it.

I am feeling quite healthy at the moment. My skin is good which I think is a refection of my overall health and my mental health seems to be quite good too. I would like to eventually stop taking my anxiety medication as I don't think I really need it anymore. I think that becoming weight restored has allowed my mind to get much better too and this has allowed me to start thinking more clearly. It really is amazing how much eating more and gaining weight can help you in all aspects of life, including your anxiety levels.

Today I am working at the bank which should be ok. It is only a 7 hour work day which is good as I do find working at the bank quite exhausting. I suppose the reason why I find it quite tiring is because there is always so much to learn and you have to be actively thinking all the time. There is just so much to do and so much to learn but I know that I can only do my best and that I cant stress myself out. Afterall, stressing out isn't going to help me at all, it will just make learning everything more difficult.

I hope that everyone had a fantastic weekend and that your week ahead is fantastic too! Remember you can do anything you set your mind too, as long as you believe in yourself! x

Friday update

I am currently sitting inside at the bank in my lunch break and only have 5 more hours of work to get through this afternoon before I can knock off and go home. I had a toasted sandwhich for lunch as well as an apple and a rapberry and white chocolate flavoured yoghurt. I really enjoyed everything as I was really hungry and I always enjoy food more when I am hungry.

I am working at the supermarket all weekend but dont really mind. I haven't made any other weekend plans so at this stage I think I will just be relaxing at home after work finishes each day and walking Tess. my life really does seem super busy at the moment, compared to before which I am enjoying but I also like to have time just taking it easy and spending time with Tess too.

My lunch break is almost over so I really should start to wrap this post up. I just thought I may as well do a quick update whilst I had the chance about how my day is going. I have a fair bit to do this afternoon at the bank which is a good thing as I find it makes the time go faster. And there is always training to so if ever I run out of other work to do.