Accepting my weight

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in a while to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was months ago, which I think is a good thing. To me, this indicates that I am looking after myself and that my body is sitting at my natural set point weight. The figure I had before I got anorexia has returned and I have lots of energy to live the busy and active lifestyle I want to live.

I feel fit and healthy and dont experience any of the symptoms of starvation that I had when I was underweight. With a BMI of 19, I know that I am still quite small and that my weight is at the lower end of the 'healthy weight range' for my height and this is what I remind myself, everytime I have anorexic thoughts about wanting to lose weight.

To me, losing weight also means losing hapiness and that is something that I definetely am not willing to give up. So althoug I may not like and appreciate my body 100% of the time, I am able to accept is almost all of the time and whenever I am self conscious, I can manage to talk myself around and make myself see that the expectations I have of myself are not unrealistic.

When I am thinking rationally, I know that there is nothing wrong with my body at all. I am healthy and my body is able to function well at my current weight. I may not be super skinny but I am certainly not over weight either and have no reason to need to lose weight. In fact losing weight would make me less healthy anf harm my body, so I therefore should not desire to do it at all.

So when I do start feeling self conscious I just need to remind myself that it is only my anorexia making me feel uncomfortable and that my anorexia would make me feel like this, no matter how thin I was. And by ignoring these thoughts, I honestly believe that I will eventtually stop having them all together.


 

No more Wednesday weigh-ins

This is the first Wenesday morning in a long time that I havent bothered to weigh myself and it feels fantastic. I know that I am not going to spend the day worrying about how much weight I have gained or wondering why I have failed to gain weight for this week. Instead, I can just spend the day feling happy and healthy. I think I have reached the stage in my recovery where I no longer need to worry so much about gaining a set amount of weight each week.

I know that I have not yet reached my set natural set point weight yet but if I continue to eat my recovery amounts, I know that this will eventually happen. I know that my bmi is no longer dangerously low and this relieves some of the pressure to gain weight at a specific rate. Now I feel as tthough it is just ok to let my body sort everything out itself. Afterall, bodies are extremely complex things and I really am starting to trust my body to look after me. I know that my body is much smarter then I am and can look after itsef without me taking charge, as long as I provide it with the energy it needs.

Look at babies and small children. They do not need to consciously look after their bodies, their bodies just do everything for them. I know that in order to recover I need to let go of the control I have taken over my body and I believe that this is the first sttep in doing that. So I do not plan to closely track my weight anymore. I will let my gp weigh me if I go and see her and I may weigh myself spontaneously occasionally, to make sure that I haven't lost weight but other then that I just want to let my body sort its self out.

I am feeling really positive about this change and want to thank Laura for reminding me that it is not always necessary to focus so much on numbers and to have strict recovery plans while fighting your eating disorder. I know that I am eating enough in order to recover and since I am feeling so strong and healthy, I dont really care if it takes two weeks or two months for me to reach my natural set point weight. I trust that my body will get me there in its own time.

Weigh in Wednesday

I can' believe it is Wednesday once again. And it is the 1st of july! The weeks and months are just flying by so fast, the year wll be over before we know it. I weighed myself this morning to find that I have gained a little weight (300g) which I suppose is better than nothing as it shows that the extra food I have been eating has made a bit of a difference. So this week I just plan to continue doing wat Ihave been doing and fingers crossed I keep gaining a bit of weight.

I do not mind that the rate I am now gaining weight is slower then I was gaining weight as I am now getting closer and closer to reaching my healthy natural set point and I know that I am no longer dangerously underweight. So if I just continue to take my weight gain slow and steady from now on I think it will be for the best as it allows me to adjust to the weight gain more comfortably and will still allow me to eventually reach my desired healthy weight.  

Even though I am eating much more then the average person would, I know that my body still needs every bit of energy I am giving it. In recovery it is easy to think that we are 'eating too much' but we always need to try and remember that this certainly isn't the case. The fact that I stopped gaining weight whilst eating 3000 calories tells me that my body was using every bit of that energy for repair and everyday functioning. 

Also, I always know when it is meal time without looking at a clock as my stomach starts screaming out for more food. I get so hungry before each meal which I know is my bodies way of telling me that it needs more energy. So don't feel guilty for the recovery amounts of food you are eating, instead feel happy that you are giving your body exactly what it needs. The amount other people are eating really doesn't matter. Just concentrate on yourself and your own needs.

I am finally feeling completely healthy again as my runny nose and sick feelings have both completely passed. Something that truly amazes me is how wonderful my immune system now is, now that I am eating so much and looking after my body so well. Even when I get something like a cold, I barely even know it's there as my immune system must just fight it off before it makes me sick. 

I feel so strong and alive now that I am giving my body what it needs and even though I have been working so much lately, I have still had all the energy I require to get through each day.  I am working at the supermarket with my mum this morning which should be interesting. I will let you all know how it goes. Have a good day everyone. I am going to make myself breakfast, my stomach tells me it is breakfast time! ;) 

Wednesday weigh in

When I got up this morning, I weighed myself to find that my weight has not changed at all since last Wednesday. How this is even possible while eating more than 3000 calories, I have no idea. All I can say is that I think my metabolism has well and truly come out of starvation mode. I know that I need to increase my inake again but doing this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have had to do since I started my recovery. I do not want to eat anymore then I already am and I actually like the way my body looks and the meal plan I am on.

The fear I have of increasing my intake further and gaining more weight tells me that I am not recovered though, so I know that I need to keep fighting and keep gaining more weight. And if this means eating even more food then I am already eating, then that is exactely what I am going to do. I know that  I should see this as a really positive thing, as if my body has maintained on 3000 calories it means that ALOT of energy has gone to repairing my body which means that I am getting healthier every single day. Also, this means that my metabolism is working properly and all of my body functions are working efficiently.

It is quite funny that my weight gain has stopped at my current weight, as my current bmi is exactely the bmi I was originally aiming to reach in my recovery. Since I made this goal however I have realised that it is important for me to go beyond this bmi. I have realised how important it is for me to reach my bodies natural set point and not just a minimally acceptable bmi. It is almost as if my anorexia is testing me out and trying to convince me to stop gaining weight now. But I am going to show my anorexia that I am strong enough to keep gaining weight. Just because I like my body the way it looks now does not mean I won't be able to like my body when it is a bit heavier as well.

Also, I am starting to get a cold so eating some extra food this week will help me to fight the virus off. I dont really know how I am going to increase my intake further then I already have. My snacks are already huge and so are my main meals. I considered just trying to add in calories whenever I can throughout the day, for example putting extra butter/spread on my toast or bread, puttting extra filling in my sandwhich, adding more milk to my hot chocolates, putting some more icecream on my pudding, adding more sauce to my dinners, having bigger pieces of fruit etc. 

I do not know if these changes will be significant enough or not. I also think it would be good for me to do this as I would not know exactely how many calories I was eating, which would be good as it means I am being forced to let go of some of my control over food. What do you think? Do you think that making these changes are enough, provided that I really do commit to increasing these extras I have with my meals each dayor do you think I should add a whole other food item into my plan? 

Good Morning

Good Morning everyone :)

After waking up in a fantastic mood I was delighted to see that my weight gain is right back on track. My weight is up 800g from what it was exactly one week ago which means I am right on my target of 100g gain per day. Of course there is still the part of me that is dissapointed with the weight gain but the real me is happy and that is all that matters. I am not going to let my anorexia take this victory away from me.

Now I come to think about it, I think that my weight loss may have been due to having a huge night sweat the night before while I was sleeping (gross I know) but this would explain why I weighed less that morning, because I was probably just dehydrated. So I probably didnt need to make the calorie increase I did but I am going to keep the changes anyway, as I am enjoying them and the extra energy isnt going to do me any harm. It just means there is a little extra energy available that my body can use to repair.

My morning oats taste so different when I make them with just milk. They are so creamy and delicious. This is a photo of my breakfast this morning. I also tried the new Kraft Honey nut spread and loved it. I think it was even nicer than the other brand I have previously been eating (if that is even possible, haha).

I am working at the supermarket all day today which shoukd be ok and then I have a day off work tomorrow, which will be even better. I am so glad things seemed to have turned around a little bit for me. It really does prove that if you push through the hard times, you are rewarded with some good times. Keep fighting everyone! :)

What is going on?

I was incrediebely shocked when I weighed myself this morning as my scales told me I had lost 500g since my last weigh in only 4 days ago. This makes no sence at all to me. Over the last few weeks, I have been consistantly gaining atleast 100g per day so to now start losing weight is a huge mystery. I have been eating the exact same amount and have not been doing any extra exercise so I really cant explain this dip in my weight. I know that I should not feel dissappointed in myself for this result as I havent done anything wrong and had no way of knowing it was happening.

It would have made more sense to me if I had started maintaining my weight, but to suddenly start losing weight, at the same rate I was previously gaining it is very strange. While I cant explain this weight loss, it still does not change the fact that it has happened and I therefore need to make some changes accordingly. Something we need to remember is that our bodies are not calculators or machines. We can never determine exactly what weight our bodies will gain or lose by consuming a certain amount of calories.

My anorexia is screaming at me that I dont need to make any changes as it must be some kind of mistake. It is telling me that perhaps the weightloss is only due to fluctuating water and fluid levels in my body. Or perhaps my scales are giving an innacurate reading as they occasionally have done in the past (although considering I got the same reading 10+ times, I doubt this very much). My anorexia could be right but by making no changes at all to my calorie intake, this would mean giving into my anorexia, which is something I know I cant do. Every time you give into one of your anorexic thoughts or demands, no matter how small it is, you are giving your anorexia strength.



So now I just need to decide on what changes I will make. Afternoon tea is probably the meal I feel as though I could increase as some of my calories are only made up from a drink. Perhaps instead of eating a medium piece of fresh fruit, Instead I can have a portion of dried fruit as dried fruit is something I enjoy and it is also much more calorie dense so I would not feel as though I was eating more. I will see how I go over the next 3 days and if I go back to gaining the same amount I was, (approximately 100g per day) I will keep eating this new intake amount. If I start gaining weight at an even faster rate, I may consider cutting back to my regular meal plan (without the driedfruit). Of course if I fail to gain enough weight or lose weight again I will know I need to make a more dramatic change to my intake.

What do you think about the weight loss I have experieced and the change I have decided to make?

Sunday weigh in and altered meal plan

I weighed myself again this morning as it has been over half a week since I last weighed myself and once again was shocked to see I hadnt gained anymore weight. While I feel as though I am getting much bigger and I can see physical differences in myself, it doesnt seem to be trsnlating to the scales. Obviously my anorexia is still trying to get me to see my body through distorted eyes but I wont let this change the progress I am making in my recovery. I know I cant trust my anorexia in any eay.

My weight gain has looked liked this so far:
* I have substituted the first number with an X so you see how much weight I have gained without seeing my actual weight just incase you find that triggering.

22/4 (Wed)
X3.8 kg
(Increased intake)

26/4 (Sun)
X4.2 kg
(Increased intake)

30/4 (Wed)
X4.7 kg

3/5 (Sun)
X4.5 kg
(Increased intake)

6/5 (Wed)
X5.0 kg

10/5 (Sun)
X4.9 kg
(Increased intake)

I would like to just wait and see if I gain weight between now and Wednesday before increasing my intake again but I know that this would mean giving into my anorexia, afterall it is my anorexia telling me I dont want to increase my intake again. The real me knows that while i am managing to make some progress with my weight gain, I am not gaining weight at a fast enough rate.

So once again I know I must increase my calories, as it is the right thing for me and my recovery. I am going to add a small piece of fruit to my morning tea each day for example a mandarin, kiwi fruit or some dried apricots. I have also increased my dessert portion so that it alone now contains the same amount of energy as my other snacks and my hot chocolate is just an extra. Before now my dessert and hot chocolate together contained the same amount of calories as my others snacks.

So I have made two small changes to my old meal plan which has once again increased my overall daily intake. My updated plan is as follows;

Breakfast

~1 sachet of Uncle Toby's flavoured oats prepared with 1/2 Cup of milk and

topped with 1 small apple/banana

~2 slices of wholemeal toast with extra thickly spread nut butter

Morning Tea

~1 large serving of cake (i.e. lamington, muffin, slice)

~1 Up and Go meal supplement drink
~ 1 small piece of fruit (mandarin, kiwi fruit or dried apricots)

Lunch

~1 sandwich made with 2 slices of wholemeal bread, butter, protein (i.e. thickly cut belgium, ham or cheese) and Thickly spread tomato Relish

~1 dairy Dessert (i.e. Lerice creamed rice, Danone full fat yoghurt, Custard Snak Pack)

~1 large serving of fruit (i.e. 1 large Banana, 1 cup of grapes, 1 large pear)

Afternoon Tea

~ Chocolate bar (Picnic, Violet crumble, Kit Kat)

~ fruit (Apple, orange)

~ 1 Just juice fruit juice

or

~Chocolate bar (Twirl, Time Out, Aero)

~Vanilla yoghurt

~1 tub of apple puree, stewed rhubarb or sultanas

or

~Nut bar

~Fruit Tub

~2 sweet biscuits (anzacs, custard creams, choc chip cookies)

Tea

~Meat (chicken, fish, silverside, Duck, Venison) or casserole

~Mashed potato

~Vegetables

~Sauce

or

~Large serving of pasta or rice

~Vegetables

Dessert

~1 large serve of Pudding (i.e. Lemon, chocolate, sticky date) or 1 hot apple pie

~2 large scoops of vanilla icecream

Supper

~1 hot chocolate

What do you think of my meal plan? Do you think it is well balanced and adequate?Also, do you think it is a good idea to weigh myself twise a week as I am currently doing or would it be better for me to just do it weekly?

Weigh in wednesday and ANGI update

I have been a bit nervous leading up to today as it was my first weigh in since last Wednesday when I significantly increased my calorie intake. I have been nervous about weighing in today for a couple of reasons. Firstly, while I am determined to recover and want it more than anything else, I am still struggling with the idea  of gaining weight sometimes. Well I suppose it is my anorexia that is uncomfortable about it and I have been worried that I had gained a lot of weight and that I would freak out when I saw it. As silly as it sounds, I have also felt worried because I was scared I may have maintained my weight and not gained anything at all. If this was the case I truly would feel as though I had let myself as well as the people who read my blog down. So I have had really mixed feelings over the last week. Part of me wanted to gain weight as I know that it is essential for my recovery and the anorexic part of me didn't want me to gain weight.

I held my breath this morning as I stepped on the scales and was really happy when I saw that I had...... GAINED HALF A KILO. Not only was I over the moon that I had gained weight, I was also excited because for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was actually happy about gaining weight. This goes to show just how much my mind set really has changed in the past little while. I know that as my weight increases more and more, gaining weight will become much more difficult for me to deal with but all I can do is take each day as it comes. 

Since seeing I had gained weight this morning, I expected my anorexic thoughts to be really strong throughout the day and I expected to feel as though I should compensate in some way by restricting or exercising but I can honestly say that this has not been the case at all. I think that the healthy rational part of me was just so thrilled that I had gained weight and that I haven't let anybody down that not even my anorexia could make me feel bad about myself. This was one achievement that I was not going to let my anorexia stop me from feeling happy about. I honestly think that all the extra food I am eating is what is making the non-anorexic part of me so strong. While I haven't always believed it in the past, I really do think it is true what they say, that food is medicine for someone suffering from anorexia. Since I have gained half a kilo this week, I am not increasing my calories this week but if I find that my weight does not continue to increase at a similar rate over the next week, I will have to increase my intake again next wednesday.

I went to my GP today and got blood drawn for the ANGI study I am particpiating in. ANGI stands for Anorexia Nervosa Genetics Initiative and is a study that I am really glad to be a part of. For anyone who hasn't heard of ANGI, you can read an earlier post I wrote about it here. You may even find that the country you live in is taking part in this study too and you may be able to participate as well if you have Anorexia. As I said in the last post I wrote about it, I am really passionate about the relationship between genetics and Anorexia as various family members of mine have suffered from it. While most studies that have been done in the past have investigated how environemntal factors influence wether or not someone develops anorexia, I honestly do believe that there are genetic factors that play a role in the development of the disease in individuals. Out of curiosity, do any of the people out there reading this with anorexia have loved ones that have also suffered from the same illness?

My weekly weigh in

It is exactly one week since I weighed myself and increased my calorie intake so I knew that I had to weigh myself again this morning to see if I had gained weight. I was feeling really hopeful as I have been reaching my new calorie goal everyday and have not been compensating in anyway.  I stepped on the scales and was very dissappointed to see I weighed exactely the same as I did one week ago. Firstly, I felt bad about myself, like I had let myself down. After thinking about it for a while I realised that I wasn't really being fair to myself.

The truth is, although I didn't gain weight this week, I still made progress in my recovery. I still managed to reach my new calorie goal every single day. I probably ate more calories in the past week than I have in any other week of my life and this is something I should be proud of. Sure, it would have been better if I had gained weight but atleast now I know that my body needs even more food to continue repairing. I am not going to let this dissapointment get me down, I am just going to keep fighting which is all I can do. I am quite used to eating big portions and I can currently eat all of my meals without feeling too full or uncomfortable afterwards. While it is nice to be able to eat all of my meals comfortably, I know that recovery wasn't ever supposed to be easy and if eating even bigger portions and making myself feel a little uncomfortable is what I need to do to gain the required weight, then that is what I will do.  

I know that I eat a lot of fruit throughout the day and while I enjoy it and fruit is really good for you, I am planning on substituting one of my serves of fruit with a higher calorie option. Usually for Morning Tea I have some fruit as well as some type of cake (muffin, lamington or slice). From now on I plan to to still have the cake but instead of having fruit with it I will have an Up and Go meal replacemet drink. I love fruit and enjoy eating lots of it each day but considering I generally have it as a part of my breakfast, lunch, afternoon Tea and dessert as well, I shouldn't miss it too much. I think 4 serves of fruit a day, is still plenty ;).

While it is good to eat fear foods in recovery and they can help you to gain weight, I also like to eat healthy foods with them. That is why I have generally always had a sweeter more 'unhealthy' option like cake or a chocolate bar along side a piece of fruit. It was my way of eating a large number of calories while still eating a relatively balanced diet. This is why I also eat lots of vegetables and lots of dairy products which are rich in calcium. I think It is important that I give my body all of the vitamins and minerals that it needs so that it can be repaired, as well as just lots of energy in the form of calories. 

I don't feel really extremely scared about once again increasing my calorie intake and I think that it is because after being underweight for so long, I am finally ready to recover. I know that it's not going to be easy and once I start getting closer to my goal weight I will feel more and more uncomfortable with my body but I am determined not to give up. I deserve to be free of Anorexia and enjoy my life. Up until now, I haven't felt as though I was strong enough to recover but now I do. Blogging has really helped me to find the extra strength inside of me that I needed to really kick anorexias arse, and that is exactely what I plan to do!

Recovery won't just happen

So I weighed myself this morning and I still haven't gained any weight which shocks me because I feel like I am eating so much.  I have had a cold for the last week or so which could explain why I haven't gained weight as your body uses extra energy when you are sick but I know that I can't just use this as an excuse. It is making excuses like these for myself not gaining weight which has made me stay underweight for so long and I know I can't continue to do this to myself. I am still getting used to eating the extra amount since my last calorie increase and the thought of having to increase again scares me but I know I dont have a choice. If I want to recover I need to fight my anorexia and make it happen.

I really enjoy the meal plan I am currently following so dont want to change what it is I am eating for each meal so my only option is to add something extra to my plan. My smallest meal of the day is supper (dessert) so this is where I plan to make the increase. I would prefer my supper to be a bit lighter as I eat it only an hour after tea and don't like going to bed on a full stomach but obviously I need to increase my calorie intake and this is the best place to do this. I plan to add a hot chocolate to my supper each night to up my intake for each day. If I find I dont feel like having the hot chocolate straight after I eat my dessert which is usually ice cream or custard with fruit I can always wait another hour or so and have it closer to going to bed. I feel ok about this change and just hope that it is enough for me too see some weight gain over the next week.

I don't know how I can posssibely eat as much as I do without gaining weight but I know that a lot of energy is needed to repair my body after the way I have abused it. I also know that walking my dog twise a day is not ideal while trying to gain weight but I honestly dont see any way around this. She is a young active dog that needs exercise and when i'm not walking her she is tied up on a chain or inside with me. It would be cruel to leave her tied up all day without taking her for a walk and I love her so much, there is no way I could give her up. I will weigh myself again next Saturday and if I still havent gained weight, I will have to once again reconsider my meal plan and think about making a more drastic change. If I continue to increase my food each week that I dont gain weight, I will have to see some weight gain eventually. 

Since starting my blog I am feeling as though I need to better stick to my recovery plans and goals which is great. Before starting my blog I would put increasing my intake off and make excuses for myself but now I feel like I need to stick to my plans and stay true to my word for the sake of everyone else who may read my blog. I need to set a good example and prove to myself and everybody else that I am serious about recovery. Afterall, my blog is called Fighting Anorexia. Therefore I feel as though my blog is just a lie if I am not actually fighting for recovery.  

If anyone has any feedback or advice, feel free to comment. I am open to your suggestions :)