Accepting weight gain in recovery

I think that one of the most difficult and triggering things about recovery from anorexia can be seeing your weight increase, both on the scale and as your body gets bigger too. I guess the reson it is so hard is that anorexics practically dedicate their lives to preventing weight gain and just because they make a committment to recovery, does not mean this fear or pattern of thinking that is so deeply instilled in them instantly goes away.

There is no way of avoiding it, the fact of the matter is if you want to make a full recovery from anorexia, you will need to get to a healthy weight. Telling yourself anything different will mean you are only setting yourself up for failure and more pain in the future. Your body and mind simply wont work properly whilst you are underweight and you will therefore never be able to get rid of your anorexic thoughts all together or make a full physical recovery either.

Whilst I was gaining weight, I remember feeling a mixture of emotions everytime I stood on the scale. If I had failed to gain any weight, the part of me that wanted to recover woukd be dissapointed but at the same time, the anorexic part of me would be overjoyed. Getting these types of anorexic thoughts at stsges throughout your recovery are completely normal and nothing you should be ashaimed of. Alk that matters is that you do not change your behaviors based on these thoughts. Accept that they are there but chose to ignore them.

Similarily, everytime I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained weight the part of me that was dedicated to recovery was glad but the anorexic part of me was furious. I believe thst in order to stay on track in recovery as you experience weight gain, is that you need to want recovery, more than anything else in the world. Before I began my 'true' recovery, I reached a point whereby I was completely fed up and miserable with my anorexic life. I started wanting a recovered life, more than anything wlse in the world. It was only then that I was able to find the strength I needed to fight my anorexia and make actual recovery progress.

An important thing lto remember is that as you continue gaining weight, it does get easier. So dont think that the anxiety and pain you experience the first time you realise you have gained weight will persist through your entire weight restoration phase of recovery. I think a big part of the reason that it gets easier is because as your weight increases, your brain chemistry normalises too. This means that your thinking becomes more rational and some of your biggest fears like gaining will therefore lose some of their significsnce. 

I am a huge believer that the only way to overcome a fear is to face it, so by gaining weight and doing the exact thing you fear, it will slowly become less scary. No matter how hard it may seem you just need to remind yourself of how much you want recovery and the fact that you will not recover if you dont gain weight. The reason I was able to push through the fear and anxiety if weight gain is that I wanted recovery so badly, more than anything else in the world. 

Accidental weight loss

I was very surprised when I went into the blood bank yesterday morning to donate blood when they wouldnt let me donate as I just fell under the minimum weight requirement. Up until a few weeks ago, I had weighed enough to donate blood and I hadnt been trying to lose weight in any way so I was shocked that it had happened.

This has come as an inportant reminder to me that even though I am doing really well in terms of my recovery, I still am not like everybody else. I do lose weight very easily and I therefore need to make an extra effort to eat more often then others and sometimes larger amounts then others too.

I think that the main difference between me and others is that my body needs a constant energy supply, in the form of 6 meals a day. This can be really hard when everyone around me only eats 3 or 4 times a day but obviously skipping snacks, even when I am eating more for main meals, just isnt something my body can cope with yet.

Perhaps oneday, when my weight has stayed healthy and stable for a longer period of time I will be less susceptible to weight loss, but until then,  I just need to do what is right for my body and my health. I guess it is a good sign that I have not found this recent weight loss pleasing at all. If anything I have just felt dissapointed and concerned.

I have absolutely no desire to lose anymore weight and hope that I can gain back those few kilos I have managed to accidentely lose. Afterall, I know that my body is happier and healthier at that slightly higher weight and looking after my body is the most important thing. If the weight loss does continue, I will go to the doctor just to make sure nothing is wrong and there isn't another underlying cause of this unexpected weight loss.

What I eat now that I am weight restored

Now that I am weight restored (and hVe been for about 6 months ) I eat quite differently to how I once did. Although the example I am going to give is a typical days intake for me, this does vary sometimes quite a lot. Despite the fact that I sometimes eat more or less depending on what im doing or how im feeling, my weight has remained constant over the last 6 months. I have also felt happy, energetic and healthy which are all good indications to me that my body and mind are getting the energy and nutrients from food they need.

Breakfast: 4 weet bix biscuits with 150g of regular yoghurt or 2 portions of flavoured oats prepared with light milk.

Morning tea: 1 nut bar and 1 apple or 2 slices of toast topped with 1 mashed banana

Lunch: 1 ham and cheese sandwhich, 1 full fat yoghurt and 1 peach or a Noodle cup, banana and tub of custard

Afternoon tea: tub of fruit and muesli bar or a mini packet of choc chip cookie bites and an apple

Tea: 1 serve of pasta and heaps of vegetables or meat, potato and vegetables

Dessert: bowl of icecream or 2 small treat chocolates and a banana

It is probably important to note that this is the amount of food I have an appetite for when I am busy and active. I generally dont eat quite this much on lazy days, not intentionally but because I simply dont have an appetite for this much food. Other days I end up eating just three bigger meals as that fits in better with my plans for the day or because that is what my boyfriend or friends have.

Focusing less on my weight

I have decided that since weighing my self courses me more anxiety then anything else, I am going to set myself the challenge of not weighing myself for 1 month. I will see how I feel after the month and if I want to, I may continue this challenge even longer. The thing is, I really dont need to know my exact weight to know whether I am healthy or not and I feel ass though seeing my weight go up only makes me feel terrible, whether I can a tully see any difference in myself or my body or not.

Afetrall, why does the number on the scale mater so much anway or even my bmi? I felt as though weighing myself really was necesssary while I was stlll underweight as I needed to make sure I was making enough progress with my weight gain and my mind also was not healthy enough so that I could trust what I saw i the mirror. For example my anorexia would distort my reflection and make me believe l looked much bigger when in fact I had not gined any weight at all.

Now however I trust myself enough to keep a check on my weight by looking at my body and seeing how my clothes fit me. I dont need aa scale to tell me an exact number to know that I am healthy. I believe that this will also let me allow my weight to settle at my natural set point weight if I am yet to reach it as I wont feel anywhere near as anxious about gaining a little extra weight, If I am not weighing myself and therefore have no evidence it is happening.

If anyoe would like to join me on this month without the scale please feel free to do it. Even if you are weighed by a doctor or specilist regularly, you can still participate as you just need to ask if you can do a blind weigh in.

My current thoughts

I have been thinking a bit lately, about how my life still seems to be completely centred around food and weight. The truth is, these two things seem to be what my life still revolves around at the moment, just as it did when I was at my sickest, before I entered recovery. Everyday seems to be the same. making sure I eat all of my meals and restricting my pshysical activity so that I am able to gain the weight I need to. Going to work most days and resting on my days off. Grocery shopping and cooking; these are all things I do each day but they all revolve around the same things.

I have also been thinking about the fact that 99% of my blog posts are also written about Anorexia, weight and food and it makes me wonder whether it is too much. Should I be trying to write about other things too, to keep it more interesting for my readers? At the end if the day this is a recovery blog so recovery will always be the main focus of my blog however I would like to try and add more about the rest of my life too. The problem is, I dont really know what else there is in my life worth writing about.

I feel as though through having anorexia I have lost my identity. I dont really have a social life, besides the people I work with and I dont really have many hobbies or interests. Its as if the time I spent really sick made me forget what its like to have a life outside of food, weight and calories and now I need to try and get my real life back. While I think it is important to make eating and weight gain priorities while you are recovering, I believe you need to have other things to concentrate on as well.

I worry that when the time comes to try and let go of my anorexia all together, as I have reached the end of my recovery, I wont know what to do with my life. I need to have other hobbies or interests so that my life is not just empty, once recovery is no longer the main focus of it. But how do I find other things to focus my time and energy on? It is difficult, living in a small town. There are no sporting opportunities for girls and there are hardly any other people my age living in the town.

At this stage, after I recover I still plan to continue blogging, even if its not quite as often as I currently do. I feel that once I am fully recovered I will have even more advice and knowledge to offer to those who are suffering and that need help. Ever since I developed anorexia I have wanted to help people who suffer from it, as I know just how impossible everything can seem. I want to show people that it is possible, that you can get better and recover so that you can live a perfectly happy and healthy life.

I need other things for my life to revolve around too though. I mean, obviously I would love to find an amazing guy to have a relationship with but I worry that I will never meet anyone because I never go anywhere or do anything. Does anyone have any advice for me? Does anyone know how to make your life about more that just weight and food, both in recovery and after it?