Pain is real, but so is hope

For years, I lived completely consumed by my illness and unable to make any recovery progress. If anyone had of asked me during this time if I wanted to recover I would have said a huge YES, however I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to do what I needed to do in order to recover so I didn't really try. At the time, I told people around me and even myself that I was trying to recover but looking back, I know I wasn't trying, not really. I was eating enough to keep myself out of hospital and alive however I was severely underweight and my starved mind was incapable of thinking rationally, which made trying to recover seem even more impossible. The thought of doing the things I knew I needed to do in order to get better was so terrifying that I didn't think it was possible that I would ever get better. I had accepted that I was going to live the rest of my life consumed by my eating disorder.

Anyone whose been where I have been knows just how impossible and difficult it feels and anyone who hasn't been there wont be able to even begin to understand. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is if someone told you that you had to become the richest person in the world or the fastest runner in the world, you would probably think that it seemed impossible and that there would be no point in even trying as it couldn't happen. Well that's how impossible the prospect of recovery seems to someone who is fully consumed by anorexia. Also, the fear associated with doing the things you need to do in order to recover is so severe that you would honestly rather just die. That's how I felt anyway. My thought processes were so irrational that just eating a meal prepared by my family or someone else honestly would have terrified me more than sculling a bottle of poison or jumping off a bridge.

So how did I manage to recover when it seemed so impossible and scary? I found hope. That is honestly the only difference between the years I spent totally consumed by my eating disorder and unable to change and the time when I was actually able to start making some recovery progress and turn my life around. I read anorexia recovery blogs of other girls who managed to beat their illnesses and this gave me hope that I too could get better. I was miserable living with my illness. I had become a social recluse with no friends and I was incapable of even having relationships with family members. I was 20 years old and had never had a romantic relationship, didn't go out, play sport or have any hobbies. I had dropped out of university and did nothing but stay home and be consumed by anorexia all day every day, month in month out. I wanted so much to live a normal life and through seeing other girls get better who had been where I was, gave me hope that I could do it too.

So I started my recovery journey and started my own blog to document my progress, with the intentions of inspiring other sufferers and giving them the hope they required to fight their illnesses. My recovery then became about not only fighting for the life I wanted for myself but also about recovering so that I could give hope to others, as had happened to me. Everyday was painful and scary but I never gave up hope and I never gave in to my eating disorder. I continued to follow my plan and as I did I began to recover, both physically and mentally. My thoughts slowly became more rational, meaning things that initially terrified me didn't seem so scary anymore. My eating behaviours got more and more normal and I started to get out of the house more and started to actually live my life for the first time in many years.

Everyday I received emails from readers all over the world, saying that my recovery journey was giving them hope, which in turn made me all the more adamant to keep going until I made a full recovery. I didn't want to be the reason that my readers lost hope, I wanted to continue to inspire them and that's exactly what I did. I kept going until I was living a relatively normal life with lots of friends and family, a partner, holidays, university, work, sports, hobbies and all the things that I ever wanted in life. Even though I don't blog often anymore, I still like to check in occasionally and let everyone know that I am still ok. I may have a few ups and downs every now and then but nothing that prevents me from living a happy and normal life. I suppose I just want to help as many people find hope as possible as I believe it really is the difference between being able to recover or not.

So please, if you are struggling and feel like recovery is impossible for you, I promise its not. You can recover just like I did. You just need to have hope, believe in yourself and fight with everything you have for the life you deserve to live. Karly xxx

I still cant believe I recovered

Tonight I watched a documentary on anorexia and found myself thinking about my time whilst I was sick. I try not to think about what life was like for me when I was at the grips of Anorexia as it was so terrorizing and painful but at the same time I think it is so important not to ever forget just how awful it was so that I never fall back into my old ways. I also feel as though I have a responsibility as a recovered anorexia to share my story to raise awareness and also help others who are suffering. I feel so incredibly grateful that I managed to defy the odds and recover from the killer illness that had me totally consumed for over 3 years of my life. Even now I find myself totally amazed that I actually managed to recover, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am sure the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

I think what society fails to realise is just how traumatising it is to have an eating disorder like anorexia. I remember hating my life so much but feeling as though trying to get better would be so painful that it would be easier just to die. I didn't like the way I looked, I knew I was too thin but for some reason gaining weight scared me more than anything else in the world. I hated counting calories and obsessing over food but still, I allowed this things to control my life. Fighting my illness seriously felt more frightening for me than it would have been for me to be thrown in a tank with a great white shark or jump off of a 100 story building. Which is why I still cant believe I actually managed to take on my anorexia and recover.

Not only did I manage to recover, but I  managed to do it completely on my own. My family, doctors and friends had all given up on me and when I told them I was going to try and recover, I knew they didn't believe me. I don't blame them for not taking me seriously. They had heard so many false promises from me and knew what kind of hold my illness had on me. It had gotten to the stage they didn't really even talk to me about trying to get better anymore, everyone just believed that it was who I was and that I would die with my illness, whether it was in 12 months or 12 years. And if I am completely honest, that is what I believed too.

I still don't really know why I started to truly try and recover when I did or why I finally found the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. It wasn't the fact that I was miserable with my life as I had been miserable for years and still hadn't managed to recover. I think my break through moment was when I started believing that I was worthy of recovery and that I did deserve to be happy, which before then I hadn't believed. So that was why I started my recovery but as for how I managed to recover, I owe that completely to my Blog. I have no doubt that if I didn't start my blog when I did I would still be living with my illness, or worse still I wouldn't be living at all.

When I made the decision to truly try and recover, I was living alone and had no one around me to keep me accountable. I had no one telling me what, when or how much to eat. I had no one telling me I wasn't allowed to exercise or that I needed to gain a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. I had no doctors or specialists giving me advice, I just had my blog and my readers who kept me 100% accountable. Before I started my blog I would set goals for myself and make meal plans for myself in attempt of making a recovery however I never managed to see anything through. Once I wrote goals or plans down on my blog however, I always managed to stick to them 100%, no matter how hard it was.

Not only did I feel as though I had to stick to my recovery plan for my sake anymore, but I felt as though I had to do it for the sake of my readers. I felt as though I needed to show them that it was possible to fight their eating disorder thoughts and that if I gave into my anorexia, I was letting my readers down. Every time the temptation arose to burn some extra energy or eat a little bit less, I never let myself do any of those things as I didn't want to have to write about giving into my anorexia on my blog. Instead, I wanted to be able to write about my victories and how even though it was hard and the temptation arose, I never gave into my anorexia or gave up.

Some nights the guilt and pain I felt over the food I had eaten or the weight I had gained became so overwhelming that I would just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. It was so hard to put myself through that kind of pain, especially when I didn't even know if I would ever recover. But I knew that if I gave up I would be showing all my readers who believed recovery was impossible, that they were right. And I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could play a part in preventing another person recovering from their illness. I was completely honest on my blog about my achievements and progress and writing each day about how I was feeling was like therapy for me.

People from all over the world started emailing me and through helping those people, I was able to help myself even more. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so any advice I gave to others I always made sure I followed myself and through motivating others to get better, I found that I was also encouraging myself to keep moving towards recovery. I had people messaging me or commenting on my posts telling me that I was helping them in their recoveries and this was possibly the biggest incentive for me in my own recovery. This made me want to win every battle I had with my anorexia so that I could write about it and inspire others to do the same. I didn't only want to get better so I could live a better life anymore, I wanted to get better to prove to other sufferers that it was possible.

If you have never had an eating disorder yourself, I cant even begin to explain how hard it is to not only live with but also recover from. And if you do have an eating disorder or have had an eating disorder then you will understand exactly what I am talking about! I never thought I would be able to recover and still cant believe I actually did. I honestly feel as though I have achieved the impossible and that I will be able to overcome anything I am ever faced with in the future. My only hope now is that I can make as many sufferers as possible believe that no matter how sick you are, you can always get better. You just have to believe it is possible, believe you are strong enough and believe you are worthy of a recovered life!

Happy and healthy with my boyfriend and sister vs underweight, sick, alone and unhappy

Why I recommend Blogging

To say that blogging has changed my life may seem like an exaggeration, however I believe this to be 100% true. I honestly dont think I would have been strong enough to recover, if it wasn't for Blogging. Firstly, it was only through reading other peoples recovery blogs that I realised recovery from Anorexia was actually possible.

Before this time I really did believe I would be sick for the rest of my life and that recovery was impossible. It seemed as though no one could help me and changing my ways seemed far to painful. So I suppose throigh reading other people's blogs, I found hope that I would someday recover, which is perhaps the first stage of recovery.

As I could see others making progress and getting better first hand, I started thinking, 'well if they can do it, I can too.' And since I was totally fed up with living the way I was (although I really wouldn't call it living, more like barely existing), I finally made the brave decidion to try and change.

As I started to make changes, I was overwhelmed by just how painful it was and felt completely alone. No one else could even begin to understand what I was going through so I took great comfort in reading other peoples blogs. I could relate to what these like minded people were saying and this stopped me feeling quite as alone and like such an outsider.

While I feel as though reading other peoples recovery blogs really did get me in the right frame of mind to want recovery and change, actually making these changes was a different story. I made a little progress, very slowly, but did not make any great progress until I started writing my own blog.

Once I started my own blog, I felt as though I didn't only need to recover for myself, but also for those people who were fighting anorexia themselves and reading my blog. I knew I could not fool my readers into believing I was in recovery, like I had been doing to myself for years, unless I truly was. I knew that whilst blogging I needed to take action and start actively recovering. So that is exactly what I did.

I still had moments of desparation when I felt as though everything was just far too hard, but then I remembered all of the people who believed in me and this gave me the extra motivation and strength I needed to fight my anorexia fully. I knew that if I just gave into my anorexia that I would not be showing my readers that recovery is possible and that is the message I wanted to portray the most.

Of course, I also dont know that I would have been able to recover if it wasnt for the encouragement and support that I recieved from my readers. Just seeing my blog views meant a lot to me but actually talking to others just like me helped me so much. I developed many special friendships and really cant thank those people who helped me through my recovery enough.

So If your trying to recover, I highly recommend reading other peoples recovery blogs as it can be extremely helpful. Also, reaching out to other people who understand what you are going through can be incredibely helpful too. Even though starting your own blog is a big step, I have never regretted starting my own blog and like me, this could be the key to your recovery. So if you think it could help you, please give it a go!

Goodbye to Blogging

This is an extremely hard post for me to write, but I knew that oneday the time would come for me to say this. I just didn't think it would come just so soon. For the last 8 months my blog has helped me more then anything else ever has. I have grown so much stronger both physically and mentally since starting to blog and 99% of the time, I forget that I ever even had anorexia. Now, I just feel like a normal girl who is now starting to live the life she truly deserves, completely free of her eating disorder.

I love helping people who are suffering from eating disorders and always want to be here to help anyone I can however I no longer feel as though regular blogging has a place in my life anymore. In a way, I feel as though it is dragging me down and stopping me from making a full recovery as it is just a constant reminder of where I have been. At the moment, my future is looking incredibely exciting and bright. I have met an amazing boy who I think the world of and I have my wonderful family close by too.

Not only do I simply feel too busy to blog anymore, I also don't want to do it if it is going to prevent me from making a full recovery. The friendships I have made through my blog are so valuable to me and I hope to keep talking to these wonderful people into the future, even if I don't blog anymore. Also, I plan to leave my blog active on-line so that people who are battling with anorexia can still use it as a recovery tool and even contact me, if they want to ask any particular questions or even if they just want to chat.

I know that some of my readers are going to be dissappointed in my decision to stop blogging, but I really hope that you understand this decision and I promise I will still update you all occassionaly on whats going on in my life and how I am doing. I am so thankful for all of your support over the last year and I can honestly say that without you all, I would not be where I am today. Please, never forget that just like me, you are also capable of doing anything you set your mind to. No matter how hard it may seem, you can beat your eating disorder and go on to live a truly wonderful and happy life.

  

Please, just ask

I know that the types of posts that I write has changed a fair bit since I first started my blog and I guess this is because my life has changed so much since then. I used to write about various topics and issues that were relevant to my anorexia at the time but now, those types of things are not really relevant to my life anymore, so I forget to write about them. I guess that this is a good thing really as it shows just how my life has been turned around and it shows just how much progress I have made.

In saying this, I do not mind writing about those types of things that used to effect me and that I used to write about in order to help any of my readers out. I have been thinking and have realised that there are probably a lot of you who are in a much earlier stage of recovery then myself and what is relevant to me, is not necessarily relevant to you. I honestly don't mind writing about anything at all from my past or present, all you have to do is ask :)

You can also go back and read my old posts that I wrote in the earlier stages of my recovery as well if you are looking for any guidence or advice about a articular topic. Other then that I will try to remember back to what life was like in the earlier stages of my recovery and I will try to write a bit more about overcoming various challenges I was faced with.

Some people may question whether it is healthy for me to be thinking back to when I was sick so much as in a way it may be stopping me from moving forward but I honestly dont find it harmmful to me at all, at this stage of my life anyway. If anything, remembering back to the bad times just reminds me of how terrible life used to be and makes me never want to go back to that. It also makes me appreciate how wonderful life is at the moment, now that I am so much closer to making a full recovery.

Initially I made my blog mainly to try and help myself in my own recovery and I honestly believe that my blog has served this purpose extremely well. Now however since I am in such a good place, I feel as though the most important role of my blog is to help others others. So please, if you have any ideas about how Ican help you or anyone else, I would love for you to share them with me. Don't be shy, just comment any ideas or questions below or if you would rather, you can email me at: karlygraham94@gmail.com

 

life is getting busy

I have been so incredibly busy lately but luckily I am not feeling stressed because of this, instead I am just feeling happy and positive. For the first time in about 5 years, I actually feel as though I am truly happy and actually living, which is exactly how things should be for an almost 21 year old.

I am so happy that I have started socialising more and have made some great friends and I just wanted to say that all of you can do this too. It can be really hard to socialise and actually have a life whilst you are sick with anorexia but once you start making recovery progress, you will find that you become much more social again too. :)

Something I feel as though I must apologise for is that I may not be able to continue posting quite as often as I have in the past as I simply dont have the time. I will always try to post atleast once a datday though and I will also try my hardest to reply to emails as quickly as possible too.

I honestly wish that I could write more posts but I really just don't have the time to do this. I feel bad as I really do love blogging and want to help people so much but sometimes I know that I also need to do what is best for me too. Which doesn't involve getting extremely stressed because I am trying to do way more then is possible each day.

I hope that you all understand xx

Social Media

Something that really annoys me is when older people complain about sociaaal media all the time and say how terrible it is that young people use it. I think that this is a really unfair, especially considering most of the people who say this dont even really understand how social media works and have nnever used it themselves. The defiition of social media is;

social media

noun

1. websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or to participate in social networking.

Perhaps the reason why I am so defensive of social media applications is because technically Blogging is in fact a form of social media and I know that I would not have been able to make the recovery progress I haave made without it. I really do feel as though both reading blogs, writing my own blog and talking to other people who have suffered from eating disorders have all helped to save my life, so I will therefore always be grateful for social networking.

I really do believe that the little recovery community that as formed online is the most wonderful recovery resourse there is for people suffering from eating disorders. I found that no doctor or specialist was aactually able to help me to recover and that the only thing that has helped me is talking to other people who are in recovery or who have allrready recovered from anorexia. Reading blogs of people who have already recovered made me realise that recovery is possible and that it is also worth all of the hard work that it involves.

Of course there are some negatives that come with social networking, like anything else. There will always besome people out there who unfortunately misuse social media however I think it is unfair that this minority give social media a bad name. While there are some negatives, I believe that there are far more positives.

Social media allows us to talk to people from all over the world, who we would not otherwise ever have the chance of meeting. I am so thankful for all of the great friends that I have met through my blog and they all help me everyday to keep fighting until I make a full recovery. I also use things like facebook tto keep in touch with friends who have moved away and that I no longer get to see which is great too.

I honestly do not think that there is any problem at all with social networking but instead that the only issues lie with some of it's users. As long as social media is used responsibly, I think it is a truly wonderful thing.

Day 17: Your favourite blogs

The four blogs I have in my reading list are....

A life without Anorexia

My Cocoa stained Apron

Life with Anorexia

How Nutella saved my life

I find reading other peoples recovery blogs just as helpgul as actually blogging myself so thank you so much to the authors of these blogs, you really have helped me to recover. I would really like to start following some other blogs that may or may not be about eating disorders/recovey so please feel free to share the link to your own blog or to share some blogs that you enjoy reading below. x

Who reads my blog?

While a few of my readers have commented on my posts or followed my blog, most of you just read my blog anonymously, which is completely fine. I certainlly do not expect anyone to comment on my posts if they do not feel comfortable to do so. :)

I would like to know who my audience is though, just so that I can write posts that are helpful to everyone. For example are there people suffering from eating disorders other than anorexia that read my blog, because if there were I would try harder to write more general advice in regards to eating disorders and not just anorexia recovery advice.

I would also be interested to know whether any guys read my blog, or whether it is only girls. Also, are there any people who follow my blog that dont even suffer from an eating disorder, but who may just want to learn more about them or may have a friend or loved one who is suffering.

Since there are more people reading my blog from Australia then any other country, I also cant help but wonder whether anyone who I actually know reads my blog or not. I suppose it doesnt really matter if anybody who I know reads my blog as I would keep blogging completely honestly like I currently do, but this is something I am curious about.

I read a recovery blog for years before actually feeling comfortable enough to comment on it as I was terrified of what other people would think of my comment and what the blog author would think so I completely understand you hesitation. I want you all to know that I would never be judgemental of anything written on my blog (unless it was really awful) and I am also very open to constuctive critisism and advice.

If you feel comfortable enough, I would love for you to comment a bit about yourself, so that I can learn some more about my readers. Even if you just let me know why you read my blog. You can comment anonymously if you like or if you dont feel comfortable commenting at all, that is still completely fine too.

Finally, thank you all for reading my blog. Your support means the world to me and I really hope that my blog has been able to help you in some way. Afterall, helping others to recover from eating disorders has been my dream ever since I developed anorexia myself and it is just as important to me as my own recovery.

Helping others recover

Without a doubt, the thing I love most about having a blog is getting the chance to help others suffering from Anorexia. Ever since developing anorexia, I have been horrified by the lack of professional support there is out there for people suffering from anorexia. I think the main problem is that such little is known about anorexia and other eating disorders, that many doctors simply do not know how to help sufferers. 

When I went to hospital, the staff got me to gain weight but did not help me with my actual anorexia at all. The only reason I ate was because the staff basically threatened my anorexia with more calories if I refused. The 6 weeks I spent in hospital therefore served as my planning time for how I would lose the weight again, when I got out of hospital, which is exactly what I did. 

Ever since I have tried to get help from psychiatrists, psychologists and other 'specialists' but none of them have been able to help me at all. None if them could offer recovery advice or even give me any kind of hope that recovery was even possible. I honestly felt as though I was much more knowledgable about eating disorders then the people who I have been reffered to, so decided I was wasting my time by seeing them.

One psychiatrist even told me there was no point in going to see her, if I wasn't 'willing to try.' The problem was never that I was unwilling to try, but more that I had no idea how. People were telling me that I needed to get better, but they werent offering me any advice at all about how I actually could do that. 

So ever since getting sick, I have felt very unsupported and this has only made me want to help other sufferers who are going through what I have been through and who have felt the complete desperation I have felt. While I hoped I could help others through my blog, I had no idea just how much I would be able to help others. 

Since starting to blog, I have gotten comments like;

'Thank you, thank you! I wouldn't/couldn't be doing this without you!'

'Karly you have no idea how much easier recovery has been for me since I found your blog. Your posts and your emails have been a life saver, really.'

'This post has been so helpful, Thank you :)'

'You are such an inspiration for everyone recovering......If you can do it, I can do it.'

'Thankyou so much Karly'

'You continue to inspire and motivate me everyday'

You will never know just what these types of comments mean to me. I feel like crying everytime I read something like this as I feel ao overwhelmingly happy that I am making a positive difference to peoples lives. Comments like these have now become my main motivation for my own recovery, as I have realised that people are relying on the strength and determination I demonstrate in my own recovery, to help them in theirs.

Everytime I feel as though things are too hard, I think of these kinds of comments and remember that I cant give up. I need to keep recovering and fighting, not only for myself but also for all of the people out there who believe in me. I feel as though my blog has given my life more purpose and that is only thanks to all of the wonderful people who read it, so thank you. You all say that I help you in your recoveries but you help me too, more then you will ever know.

Blogging in recovery

I really loved reading this article as I can really relate to it. I honestly do feel as though my Blog is helping to save my life. <3

Reality read: "Blogging helped me overcome my eating disorder"

Kirsten, 15, was in a very dark place when she found recovery in the most unexpected place.

12:0AM, Mar 26

Kirsten, 15, was in a very dark place when she found recovery in the most unexpected place.

In September 2011 I was in hospital fighting for my life. I was battling to overcome an eating disorder after starving myself to the point that my organs had started shutting down. It's amazing that I’m here today, happy, healthy and on the road to recovery. My eating disorder is in my past – and I've got my blog, The Kissy Project, to thank for that.

It all started last spring – at 14, I'd just moved to a new school on Sydney's Northern Beaches. I was a healthy size and weight, but I was desperate to fit in with my new classmates and constantly comparing myself to other girls. I felt under pressure to be skinny for summer, so I started secretly skipping meals and reducing my calorie intake. I didn’t tell anyone, but every time I stepped on the scales and saw the weight coming off, I felt proud.

Soon, losing a few kilos wasn't enough. In just six weeks my clothes started hanging off me and my ribs and collarbones were jutting out, but I didn't care. Once, after going almost an entire week without food, I blacked out on a school outing.

My mum and family were desperately worried. Mum said "We need to get you some help," and she called The Butterfly Foundation, an eating disorder support group. I was so weak that the very next day, I fell unconscious. I was rushed to hospital and doctors told my parents I might not survive.

I was fed through a tube and when I came round, I was scared of eating again. But gradually, with the support of the hospital, my family and friends, I learnt to eat again and got back to a healthy weight.

It was hard and while I was back home recovering, I missed a lot of school. I wanted to help my friends understand what I was going through. So in March 2012 I started writing a daily blog about my recovery. I called my blog The Kissy Project because my nickname is Kissy – it’s short for Kirsten.

I shared my first post on Facebook with some of my friends. I couldn't believe it when it went viral – 50,000 people read it in the first few days. Soon, I was getting messages of support from girls all over the world. Many thought they might have an eating disorder too. I tried my best to reply them, advising them to tell someone close to them what they were going through and to seek help. Reading their stories and knowing I was helping them really motivated me to get through the tough times. My blog was an outlet for me and all the support I got helped me realise that I am a beautiful person, inside and out, and that I’m much more than just a number on the scales.

My blog has now had over 600,000 hits and I've received messages from people in 73 different countries. I spend around two hours every day replying to them. I’ve even launched The Kissy Project app – it's free to download and has information and contact numbers for eating disorder organisations. Subscribers also receive a quote or tip from me every day, which I hope they find positive and inspiring. I'm determined to help other girls like me. I want them to know that they are not alone, that they can get help and get through it, just like I did.

These days, I can't remember the last time I skipped a meal – I love my food and my body. I feel awesome – and I've got my blog to thank for that. It saved my life.

For more information visit thekissyproject.com or contact The Butterfly Foundation (thebutteflyfoundation.org.au).

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day 29: What are some of your favourite recovery blogs or sites.

Recovery Blogs I follow (that are in my blogger reading list)

A life without anorexia

Free of an eating disorder

Holly Alyssas recovery from Anorexia

How nutella saved my life

Ice cream can save your life

Izzys journey

Life with Anorexia

My cocoa stained Apron

Websites I find helpful

Your Eatopia

Butterfly Foundation

ED Bites (on facebook)

Lets recover

please feel free to comment your own blog below if I dont already follow it, so I can check it out :)

Guest Post

As you will be able to see from this guest post, Anna is an incredibely strong and amazing person who I have started talking too since she found my blog a little while ago. Anna and I have had similar experiences of anorexia and are also both at similar stages in our recoveries. We therefore relate very well to one another and have been able to help one another through our recoveries a lot. We both have the same types of dreams for the future and I feel truly fortunate to be recovering alongside such a wonderful person. Anna has started her own blog in the last few days so it would be great if you could check it out. Please click on the following link and show Anna some encouragement and support. http://icecreamyourlife.blogspot.com.au.


My blog is called 'Ice cream can save your life', because, for me the day I choice to eat ice cream again really did save me from the deep and dark hole of Anorexia. My name is Anna and I’ve been battling with Anorexia since I was 18. I am now 24 and although the battle has been a long and tiring one, I finally believe that I am on my way to full recovery. My experience has been rather intense at times. I’ve battled my way through a uni degree, despite not being always well enough. I’ve spent six weeks in hospital on a nasal-gastic tube and being confined to a wheel-chair. I’ve had to cope with my mum being diagnosed with breast cancer and looking after her during her treatment, cope with my sister moving away to another city and cope with the recent death of my grandpa, all of which have made my recovery journey a rather bumpy ride. But now, here I am fighting every day. Eating a full proper meal plan,   ignoring the destructive thought in my head and moving away from Anorexia once and for all. Like Karly I also live in Tasmania, Australia. I have to thank Karly a thousand times for her inspiring and motivational blog, for her support and help, and unfailing optimism. She has really helped me to feel less alone along the recovery path. My blog is about all things recovery. It is about positivity, motivation and hope. it is about finding the good things in life and about understanding the difficult times. I truly believe that these hard times will makes us stronger in the end. All we have to do is keep fighting <3 

Day 24: has having a blog helped or hurt your recovery? Why?

Having my own blog has helped me enormously in my recovery for many different reasons. Through writing out my thoughts and experiences on my blog, I have neen able to express all of the things I have had to bottle up for years and I have been able to meet many amazing people through my blog (you know who you are). Since starting my blog I also feel so much more motivated about recovery then I ever have before and have finallystarted to believe in myself. 

Before I started my blog, besides doing a little journaling I found I had no choice but to bottle up everything that was going on in my head. This meant that I was always incredibely anxious and also very emotional And confused. It wasnt until I started writing out all my thoughts that I have actually been able to understand them. I feel as though this deeper understanding has allowed me to accept my illness and also fight it more effectively.

Having my own blog has allowed me to talk to many other people who understand exactely what I am going through. I know that I wouldnt have begun talking to most of these amazing people if it wasnt for my blog and they therefore would not have been able to help me to recover in all of the ways that they have. For the first time since developing anorexia, I no longer feel as though I am trying to fight it alone and I feel incredibely lucky to have such a wonderful group of friends by my side while I recover.

I am so thankful to all of the people who have read and commented on my blog. Having all of these people believing in me has taught me to believe in myself which is something I have never been able to do before. As I have mentioned in many posts in the past, I believe recovery is not possible unless you believe in yourself. You need to believe that you are strong enough to fight your anorexia and win, otherwise you wont be able to do it.  

I feel so much more motivated to recover then I ever have before and I honestly feel as though this is mainly due to my blog. While I do want to recover for myself too, I also want to recover so that I can help all of the people who read my blog, by showing them that recovery is possible. Everytime I am struggling with my anorexic thoughts, one of the things I tell myself to convince myself to do the right thing is that I need to be strong, so that I can set a good example for those who read my blog. Every time I am faced with an opportunity to fight my anorexia I make sure I do exactly what I would tell one of my readers to do in that same position. This is because I do not believe that people should give advice to others that they are not willing or able to follow themselves. 

While many things have contributed to my recovery so far, I feel as though my blog is the glue that is currently holding my recovery together. My blog is the one thing that stops everything falling apart, even when things get really tough. I have not found having a blog has hurt my recovery at all and I would reccommend it to anyone who is trying to recover from anorexia or any other Eating disorder.

Thoughts on recovery blogs

After seeing a fair bit of critism about recovery blogs lately (not on my blog, but on other  blogs), I found myself getting quite defensive and upset over what was being said. People have been saying that recovery blogs arent helpful and that the types of things bloggers post completely contradicts the messages their blogs are trying to get accross. It has also been suggested that some bloggers have created a particular 'trend' of living that people want to follow after they recover from eating disorders.

While everyone is entitled to have an opinion, I do not think that anyone can speak on behalf of all the people out there who follow recovery blogs. To me its simple, If you dont agree with what a particular blogger is writing, stop reading that blog. No one is forcing you to read it and voicing your opinion is only going to upset the blogger as well as all of the readers who believe in what the blogger writes. I think the reason these comments upset me so much is because reading recovery blogs has truly changed my life, which is one of the main reasons I started my own blog. I wanted to help others in the ways I have been helped through reading recovery blogs.

I have always been the type of person who stands up for what I believe in and the fact is, I believe recovery blogs have the ability to save lives. While they may not be helpful to everyone, I know that they make the world of difference to others. Before reading recovery blogs, I had never been given any reason to believe that recovering from my illness was possible. I had accepted the fact that I would die with my illness and that I would never know a life without anorexia again. However reading recovery blogs showed me that recovery was in fact possible and that life after recovery was worth all of the pain that is involved in recovering.

I agree that simply reading recovery blogs does not allow a person to recover from an eating disorder. For instance I read a recovery blog every single day for two years but still didn't make any progress as I just wasnt ready to yet. Once I decided that I truly wanted to recover however, I found that I already had all of the knowledge, advice and understanding from reading the recovery blog that I needed in order to recover. I dont think anyone would ever be able to truly understand what having an eating disorder is like, unless they have had one themselves. This is why I believe recovery blogs were able to help me more than anything else ever could, because the person writing the posts had been where I was and truly understood what I was going through.

In my experience, reading recovery blogs has not made me feel pressured to follow a certain lifestyle trend at all. Yes the authors of recovery blogs have inspired me to recover, but not so that I can live their lives, but so that I can live my own life, exactly the way I want to live it. Some of the people with recovery blogs eat very healthily both during and after recovery and that is their choice but what I eat has not been influenced by this at all. Everyday I eat icecream, puddings, chocolate bars and cakes and I don't not eat something I want just because others dont eat it. I also eat lots of fruit and vegetables but not because I feel pressured to do so, but because I love eating them.

I find that seeing what others eat during and after recovery can be helpful as it shows me that it is healthy and ok to nourish your body with the food and energy it deserve. I have also found that seeing recovering anorexics do things like conquer their fear foods incredibely inspirational. It makes me think things like 'if they can do it, so can I'. The reason I share what I eat on my blog is because I believe it is important to show people trying to recover that there is nothing wrong with eating and enjoying a large quantity and variety of food. I also want to show people recovering that eating fear foods and becoming comfortable with them again is really important and acievable.

I found it very upsetting when I saw that bloggers were being judged for posting 'selfies' as I post pictures of myself quite often. I have always been incredibely shy and have always hated to be the centre of attention but I still post photos of myself because I feel as though it is important for my readers to get to know who I am and that it will make people relate to me better. I think that learning to appreciate yourself and love yourself for who you are is essential in order to recover and I feel as though posting pictures and sharing them is a huge part of this.

I was terrified about posting my progress pictures yesterday but I did anyway in the hope that I could show those trying to recover that progress is possible, as is accepting changes in your body as they happen. Everyday people tell me that they are glad they found my blog as it has helped them to find the strength they need to fight their eating disorders. Hearing people say I am making a difference to their recoveries means the world to me and only reinforces the way I feel about recovery blogs, that they are a truly wonderful recovery resource.

Fears about blogging

While I have never minded telling the people who I love or know really well about my illness, I have always worried about what other people may think of me if they found out. Some parts of my illness I have felt quite ashaimed of and I know that there are lots of people out there who are very quick to judge those who suffer from eating disorders.

For years I was too frightened to start a blog as I didnt want anyone who knew me to find it and judge me. I was also worried about what complete strangers would think of me if I shared this incredibely personal and awful battle I have had with them. Eventually I realised that I had nothing to be ashaimed of and didnt realy care about whether someone I know reads my blog or not.

The reason why all of these worries have dissappeared since starting to blog is because I can see all the positives that have come out of my blogging. I have achieved so much more in terms of my recovery then I have ever been able to before as I feel 100% more motivated to recover. Who cares what people think of me if blogging helps me to recover. I would much rather be recovered one day then to remain ill for the rest of my life because I was scared about what others may think.

I remember being too scared to even write a comment on anybody elses recovery posts before I started blogging myself because I didnt want anyone to even see my name, incase someone knew who I was. Now however I dont even think twise about writing incredibly personal posts on my own blog. I have pictures of me and my name written all over my blog and dont really care who finds it as I am proud of my blog and what it stands for.



Also, having the opportunity to make a positive contribution to the online recovery community means so much to me. Even if 10 people read my blog and made fun of it, as long as I knew I was still helping atleast 1 person, I would keep blogging. I want to be able to help people suffering from eating disorders so much and at the moment, I feel as though writing  my blog is the best way I can do this. Nothing means more to me then when peple comment on my posts and tell that they have found my advice helpful or inspiring.

I know I am not recovered yet but for the first time in my life, I feel as though I will be one day. Thanks to everyone who reads or comments on my blog as you all help to give me the inspiration I need to continue on my recovery journey each day. Also, thanks to the other writers out there for your own recovery blogs and posts. I am so proud to be a part of our special little online recovery community and would reccommend it to anyone trying to overcome an eating disorder.

day 11: What motivated you to enter recovery?

I feel as though I have allready spoken a lot about who and what has motivated me to recover so I will just list my main motivators and give a single sentence or two explaing why they have been motivational to me to enter recovery. I will also provide the link to the posts that I have already written which are relevant.

I was tired of hurting the people I love like my dad and my sister and couldnt bare to continue hurting them. I wanted to recover to pro e to them just how much I loved them. You can read more about this in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-4-have-you-emotionally-harmed.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/hello-im-karlys-sister-amy-and-i-wanted.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com/2015/05/saturday-update-todays-meals.html

Reading posts from people who had successfully recovered made me realise that recovery was possible and reading posts from people who were still trying to recover, motivated me to be brave enough to start recovering myself. You can read more about these motivators in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-9-who-do-you-look-up-to-why.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/waking-up-feeling-positive-and-motivated.html

I knew exactely how hard it was to try to fight an eating disorder and wanted to try and help others trying to do the same. I knew that I could only help others if I helped myself first. You can read more about this motivator in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/what-blogging-means-to-me.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-7-what-are-two-things-you-want-what.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-5-how-do-you-want-to-be-remembered.html

Deciding that I wanted to truly live my life and not just survive was a big motivator for me to start recovery as well. Eventually I realised that I did deserve to recover and live a healthy and happy life.You can read more about this motivator in the following posts;
http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com/2015/05/day-7-what-are-two-things-you-want-what.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com/2015/05/dealing-with-weight-gain.html

I wanted to start looking after my body and start treating it with the respect it deserved. I also dreamt of having children and a husband one day and knew that this would only happen if I recovered. You can read more about this motivator in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/food-is-my-medicine.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-7-what-are-two-things-you-want-what.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/while-recovering-you-cant-eat-like.html

100 posts into recovery

I am very glad to say that today I wrote my 100th blog post. To me, this is something worth celebrating and is quite symbolic for me. It is only since I have started my blog that I have become truly dedicated to my recovery and have started fighting my anorexia with everything i've got. Therefore reaching my 100th post is special as it means that I am 100 posts into my recovery. There are various reasons why my blogging has allowed me to fight my anorexia when I was never able to do this before.

As soon as I began writing out all of the thoughts I had been bottling up for years, I started to really understand what my anorexia was about. It made me realise where my anorexia came from in the first place, why I had maintained it for so long and why I was scared of changing. Collecting my thoughts and answering all of these questions for myself has allowed me to accept my anorexia for what it is and has made me feel truly ready to recover.

While writing my blog I found myself offering others valuable advice that I had not been following myself. I soon realised that I knew exactely what I had to do in order to recover, I just had to be brave enough to put it into action. Whenever I tried to help others with their anorexic thoughts, it seemed so simple and straight forward to me what they needed to do in order to fight these thoughts. I tried my hardest to convince others that they needed to fight their Anorexia as they deserved to recover and eventually I realised that I deserved to recover just as much as they did.

I realised that if my advice was good enough for others, there was no reason why I couldnt start listening to it myself.  I started telling myself the things I would tell others each time I had anorexic thoughts and it made the world of difference. Every anorexic thought I got after that time, I was able to fight with a a more rational and healthy thought. For example if my anorexia told me I was getting too fat and that I shouldnt eat my afternoon tea, my non anorexic voice would tell me that it was not true, that my anorexia was lying and that not eating would only make my anorexia stronger. Before I found my rational voice of reason, my anorexia always got its way but now, I had something to fight it with.

Having my blog has given me so much more motivation to recover as I want to set a good example and show others trying to recover how I am able to fight and overcome problems I face. I honestly believe that recovery only becomes possible, once someone starts to believe it is possible and I feel as though people will not just believe what I tell them unless I show it to them as well. Therefore I feel as though I need to recover, if I want to help others do the same.





My blog has given me a very positive and optimistic outlook on recovery. To begin with I think I was just telling my self and others the things that I didn't necessarily believe, but instead what I knew I should think when fighting my anorexia. Now however I can honestly say that I do believe what I tell myself and others.

I actually believe that my weight does not define me and that I can be beautiful no matter what size my jeans are. I believe that I am not fat and that I never have been. I believe that I can be stronger than my anorexia and that recovery is possible. This doesnt mean that my anorexic thoughts arent there anymore, because I still have anorexic thoughts almost every minute of every day and feel completely awful at times because of them but I now know better than to believe them and act upon them. Instead I believe in myself.

To all the people who have read my blog, thank you so much for sharing this journey with me. Because of you I no longer feel as though I am trying to recover alone. While I dont know if recovery would have been possible for me on my own, I know that together we are strong enough to recover.