I was diagnosed with Anorexia almost three years ago and have been battling it ever since. On my blog I share different experiences that I have had when I was really sick, as well as the progress I am now making as I try to recover. Since creating my blog I have never felt more motivated to recover and I hope that through writing about my recovery, I will be able to inspire people with eating disorders to fight for a happier and healthier life.
Weight gain is inevitable and necessary in a heathy pregnancy, unless you are overweight prior to pregnancy. The following diagrams show the amounts of weight the average healthy pregnant woman gains and also what that weight gain constitutes. These are just simplified guides however so you should not expect to gain exactly this much in pregnancy, always listen to your doctors advice :)
Although I was expecting to gain weight when I fell pregnant, I don't really know how I feel about the 7-8 kilograms I have gained so far (I am currently 21.5 weeks). Some days, I feel a little self conscious about being bigger however my babies health is the most important thing to me so I just keep reminding myself that it is necessary to keep my baby healthy and that helps me to deal with it ok. Very few of my old clothes fit me so I have had to buy some new clothes in either bigger sizes or maternity wear and in order to stop myself getting upset when my old clothes no longer fit, I have stopped trying them on.
I know that whilst some of the weight I have gained is fat tissue, a lot is also fluid, breast tissue, blood volume and baby/bump. I also keep reminding myself that it is temporary and that even if I am larger than I am comfortable with after I give birth, my weight will most likely stabilise back to my normal weight whilst I am breast feeding and returning to my normal healthy and active lifestyle. And if I don't return to my pre-baby weight, I think I will be ok with that also as being a good mum to my baby is more important to me than achieving a certain weight.
As my body continues to grow and my weight continues to go up, I hope that I can keep the same outlook and continue to deal with it as I currently am. At the moment, I never feel as though I am restricting what I eat or exercising to prevent weight gain, even if I do feel a little uncomfortable or anxious about my growing body. If I ever do start to feel as though I am letting any thoughts or worries about my weight gain negatively impact on me or my baby, I will seek help right away as I refuse to let my eating disorder jeopardise the health of my unborn baby.
In order to recover from a restrictive eating disorder, you WILL NEED to gain weight (especially if you are currently underweight). As much as we would like this to be untrue, if you are not willing to gain weight, you will not recover as this just shows how unhealthy your mindset is. It is only when you challenge and overcome this type of unhealthy mindset, that you will be able to continue making recovery progress and actually make a full recovery. As well as needing to reach and possibly exceed a healthy weight in order to recover mentally, you need to do this is order to recover physically too. Whilst starving yourself, your body weakens and stops functioning as it should in order to conserve energy. Your energy reserves run dangerously low and all of your internal organs and bones are at risk of severe damage also. The following article explains the toll that anorexia or other restrictive eating disorders have on your body due to starvation.
What happens exactly? Here's a look at what anorexia does to the human body.
The first victim of anorexia is often the bones. The disease usually develops in adolescence -- right at the time when young people are supposed to be putting down the critical bone mass that will sustain them through adulthood.
"There's a narrow window of time to accrue bone mass to last a lifetime," says Diane Mickley, MD, co-president of the National Eating Disorders Association and the founder and director of the Wilkins Center for Eating Disorders in Greenwich, Conn. "You're supposed to be pouring in bone, and you're losing it instead." Such bone loss can set in as soon as six months after anorexic behavior begins, and is one of the most irreversible complications of the disease.
But the most life-threatening damage is usually the havoc wreaked on the heart. As the body loses muscle mass, it loses heart muscle at a preferential rate -- so the heart gets smaller and weaker. "It gets worse at increasing your circulation in response to exercise, and your pulse and your blood pressure get lower," says Mickley. "The cardiac tolls are acute and significant, and set in quickly." Heart damage, which ultimately killed singer Karen Carpenter, is the most common reason for hospitalization in most people with anorexia.
Although the heart and the bones often take the brunt of the damage, anorexia is a multisystem disease. Virtually no part of the body escapes its effects. About half of all anorexics have low white-blood-cell counts, and about a third are anemic. Both conditions can lower the immune system's resistance to disease, leaving a person vulnerable to infections. Anorexia Damage Starts Early
Even before a person with anorexia starts to look "too thin," these medical consequences have begun Many young women who begin eating a severely restricted diet stop menstruating well before serious weight loss sets in. Since so many people with anorexia are teenage girls and young women, this can have long-term consequences on their ability to bear children.
Gaining weight will allow your body to function more optimally again and to reverse most of, if not all of the damage you inflicted on it whilst your were starving yourself. Even if you manage to partially recover mentally so that you can live like a relatively normal person, if you are still underweight your body will not be able to function properly. The chances of you conceiving a baby are reduced if ever you want to become a mum and you are more likely suffer from illnesses or infections as your immune system will not be as strong as somebody who is a healthy weight. Also if you are underweight, this indicates that you are still not eating enough (as otherwise your body would return to a healthy weight) which suggests you are probably missing out on particular nutrients and minerals that your body requires. This puts you at risk of things like Anemia (due to lack of iron) and osteoporosis (due to lack of calcium).
In my experience, I was not able to make any real recovery progress until I gained a significant amount of weight. The hard thing about gaining this weight is that you need to do it when your anorexic thoughts are still incredibly strong and overpowering. It isn't until you get closer and closer to a healthy weight that these thoughts begin to fade and are replaced with healthier'and more normal thoughts. There is no real secrets or techniques to making these thoughts go away. As hard as it is, you just have to push through them and remember that by fighting these thoughts you ARE getting closer to having the life you want and deserve. I suggest trying to stay busy so that you have other things to focus on and just have faith that if you continue fighting your anorexic thoughts, in time they will fade. And how do you gain weight? You basically just do the complete opposite of everything your anorexia tells you to do. You limit or stop your physical activity, you eat more then you ever have in your life and you stop doing all of those destructive things that you have done in the past. I remember some nights my thoughts would be so strong (in regards to the fear of and actually gaining weight) that I just had to go to bed and cry myself to sleep. But I never gave into my anorexia and always just woke up the following day and ate everything on my meal plan, limited my exercise and went against everything my anorexia told me to do. I knew that I couldn't give into my anorexia by listening to its demands as this would be like giving it ammunition it needed to beat me. Once I gave into my anorexia once, I knew it would be so easy to continue giving into it and this would not allow my thought processes to change. So I stuck to my guns and consistently beat my anorexia and that is how I got to where I am today. So no matter how hard it may seem, just remember that it is possible and you can do it. No matter how loudly your anorexia screams at you and how bad it makes you feel, it cant actually hurt you. That pain is just temporary. And by enduring that pain now, you will be able to have a lifetime of happiness in the future. I know that gaining weight as slowly as possible seems like the best way to gain weight to someone with anorexia but from my own experience I do not think this is the best thing to do. To be honest, gaining weight incredibly slowly just draws out the painful process of weight restoration and means that you are just inflicting extra suffrage on yourself. I was gaining about 500-700g per week when I was actively recovering and I found that this was a good rate to do it at. I feel it was a good rate of weight gain as I could adjust to my physical changes without relapsing while still keeping a good momentum. Gaining weight at this rate also made it obvious to me whenever I needed to increase my calories (due to my weight gain stopping). If I was gaining less then this per week, I think I would have been more likely to just brush off failure to gain weight in any particular week which would have stopped me from moving towards my goal of complete weight restoration and recovery. I believe that gaining weight is not the only thing you need to do in order to recover, in fact it is only the beginning. But it is one of the first essential things for you to do before you can make any other type of real recovery progress. So I highly encourage you to start doing it as soon as possible. As you do manage to gain weight, your body will start functioning properly again and you will also start thinking more clearly too. And I know it probably feels like accepting your body at a higher weight is impossible but I promise you its not. I am currently about 15 kg heavier than my lowest weight (which I couldn't bare to leave at the time) and I love my body more now then I ever have before! The truth is you will never feel ready to start gaining weight so you just need to make the decision and start. I promise you it will be worth it!
I Herbalife shake made with 250mL lite Soy milk, 1 banana, 3 strawberries, 6 ice cubes, 2 scoops of vanilla nutritional mix and 1 dash of cinnamon
2 portions of honey roasted nut oats made with 125mL soy milk, 250mL water, 1 scoop Herbalife personalised protein powder, 1 tsp vanilla essence
Baby spinach, cherry tomatoes and scrambled eggs (2 eggs, 1/4 c soy milk) on two slices of wholegrain toast and topped with tomato relish + 1 small cookies and cream protein bar
1 packet of salt and vinegar Mini rice cakes, 1 apple and 1 Chobani Strawberry yoghurt
Beef cannelloni with boiled veggies (sweet potato, carrot, broccoli and peas)
Herbalife microwave mug cake (1 egg, 1/4 cup of milk, 1 tbs protein powder, 2 tbs cookies and cream nutritional shake mix) topped with natural greek yogurt
Throughout the day I also make sure I stay hydrated with plenty of water, herbalife peach tea and herbalife Aloe concentrate I also take 4 different supplements, 3 times per day :)
A common misconception is that people who eat healthily and work out want to lose weight. I have received various different comments over the last couple of months about what I eat and the exercise I do. People say things like 'you dont have to go to the gym, you are already skinny' or 'why do you only eat healthy foods, you dont need to lose weight.'
What these people fail to realise is that I dont eat healthily or exercise because I am trying to lose weight. In fact I am actually trying to gain weight at the moment. I do these things however because I love and respect my body and want to keep it healthy and strong.
Eating healthy foods does NOT necessarily cause weightloss if you are still getting enough calories. It just means that the foods you eat nourish your body and make you feel more energetic, instead of harming your body and making you feel lethargic and slugish.
Similarily, exercise does NOT lead to weight loss as long as you are fueling your body with enough energy. The health benefits of being physically active are endless and include things like disease prevention and more efficient respiratory, cardiovascular and metabolic functioning. As well as improving your physical health, exercise also has the ability to improve mental health.
I suppose an important question to ask yourself if you have had an eating or exercise disorder before is 'why am I exercising?' or 'why do I eat healthily?' If the honest answer is because you enjoy these things and want to nourish your body and allow it to be healthy and strong, then I see no reason why you shouldn't be doing these things.
If however your honest answer to these questions are more 'disordered' reasons, then I would question whether you should be eating healthily or exercising, as doing these things will most likely be destructive to you and your mental health.
Ever since starting my recovery I have really started to learn the importance of looking after your body. While I have done a much better job of this over the past 12 months then I had previously, I have decided that I would like to take that a step further and really start to nourish my body. I am hoping that this will improve my energy levels and get my body functioning optimally so that I can feel happier and healthier.
I have decided to start a Herbalife program which I hope will help me to feel more energetic and which I also hope will help me to fuel my body. Its by no means a weightloss program, but instead a wellness program which I may transition into a muscle building program if I decide to in the future. If you would like to find out more about Herbalife, follow this link. I have decided to start off with a protein plus starter pack as well as a herbal peach tea which is really supposed to help with your energy levels.
I have also joined a gym which I hope will allow me to grow fitter and stronger whilst taking the herbalife products and of course eating lots of good foods too. I am defintely not planning on taking the herbalife products instead of eating, I just plan to incorporate them into my diet. For example I might have a tea with my breakfast, and a shake with my lunch and add the protein powder to things I already eat ie. My morning oats or other snacks.
I have made my consultant aware of my history of anorexia and she is really excited for me as she believes Herbalife will really help me. She too was once really underweight and Herbalife has really helped her to transform her body and life. She asked me to write 20 goals and also do some before shots so that we can use them to see any progress I make. Here they are :)
1. Increase my confidence
2. Learn to eat more intuitively
3. Cut back on sugary processed foods
4. give my body the nutritious food it deserves
5. Get stronger
6. Gain some weight (in the form of muscle)
7. Become more energized
8. Tone my muscles
9. Get fitter
10. Do a fun run for charity
11. Have a well balanced life
12. Develop a healthier relationship with food
13. Stop counting calories
14. Learn to listen to my body
15. let myself rest when I need to
16. Develop a more positive body image
17. Prove to other sufferers that full recovery from anorexia is possible
18. Increase my positivity and enthusiasm
19. Run 10 kilometers
20. Visit the gym regularly (atleast 3-5 times a week)
It frustrates me that there is such a huge focus in the media on the importance of overweight people losing weight, however you never hear about how important it is for underweight people to gain weight. Afterall, being underweight can be just as harmful to a persons health as being overweight. I found the following article really interesting and thought I would share it with you all. not only does it emphasize the damgers of being underweight, bit it also offers advice about how one can healthily gain weight.
Weight loss is a serious issue in the United States. Consumers constantly see advertisements and news reports on trendy diets, flashy products and magic pills promising to help them lose weight.
Given that the ongoing “battle of the bulge” is front and center for so many people, being too thin may seem like a good problem to have. But the reality is that being underweight can cause health problems.
Fat has a bad reputation for causing overweight and obesity. However, not all fat is bad. In fact, breaking down and storing energy (or calories) as fat is just one of the many ways the body uses food to function, heal and grow.
The energy stored in fat helps you get through a strenuous job or workout. It also plays a key role in brain development, preventing inflammation (swelling) and blood clots. Fat also supports healthy hair and skin.
It’s important to understand that balance is a key in maintaining a healthy body–whether you’re over- or underweight.
How do you know if you’re underweight?
Using a tool to calculate your body mass index (BMI) can help determine if you’re underweight. Your family doctor can also help determine if you’re underweight based on your height, weight, what you eat and your activity level.
What problems can being underweight cause?
People who are underweight typically are not getting enough calories to fuel their bodies. Often, they are also suffering from malnutrition, since they aren’t taking in enough vitamins and minerals from their food. If you’re underweight, you may be at risk for the following health issues:
Inhibited growth and development. This is especially true in children and teens, whose bodies need plenty of nutrients to grow and stay healthy.
Fragile bones. A deficiency in vitamin D and calcium along with low body weight can lead to weak bones andosteoporosis.
Weakened immune system.When you don’t take in enough nutrients, your body cannot store energy and may also have difficulty fighting illness. It may also be difficult for your immune system to bounce back after being sick.
Anemia. This condition can be caused by iron deficiency, folate deficiency and vitamin B12 deficiency, resulting in dizziness, fatigue and headaches.
Fertility issues.In women, low body weight can lead to irregular periods, lack of periods and infertility.
Hair loss.Low body weight can cause hair to thin and fall out easily. It can also cause dry, thin skin and teeth health issues.
What causes low body weight?
Low body weight can stem from a variety of causes. While some underweight people are otherwise physically healthy, others suffer from underlying health concerns that should be treated. The following are some possible causes of being underweight:
Genetics. If you’ve been thin since high school and being thing runs in your family, it’s likely that you were born with a higher-than-usual metabolism. You also may have a naturally small appetite.
High physical activity. If you’re an athlete, you are probably aware that frequent workouts can affect your body weight. However, high physical activity can also flow from an active job or an energetic personality. If you’re on your feet frequently, you may burn more calories than people who are more sedentary (inactive).
Illness. Being sick can affect your appetite, as well as your body’s ability to use and store food. If you’ve recently lost a lot of weight without trying, it may be a sign of disease, such as thyroid problems, diabetes, digestive diseases or even cancer. Be sure to talk to your doctor about sudden weight loss.
Medicines. Certain prescription medicines can cause nausea and weight loss. Some treatments, such as chemotherapy, can reduce appetite and worsen weight loss from illness.
Psychological Issues. Our mental well being affects every part of our lives. Factors like stress and depression can disrupt healthy eating habits. Severe body image fears and distortions can also lead to eating disorders. If you’re suffering from damaging emotional issues, be sure to talk to your family doctor. He or she can help you get the care, assistance or counseling you may need.
Is it possible to gain weight in a healthy manner?
A weight gain program may seem like an opportunity for indulgence. Just grab some French fries and have at it! Unfortunately, just as healthy weight loss requires a balanced approach, healthy weight gain means more than adding junk food to your daily meals.
While eating junk food may result in weight gain, it will not address the nutritional deficiencies that come with being underweight. Further, even if the fat, sugar and salt common in junk food don’t show up as extra weight, they can still harm your body. To maximize healthy gains, try the following tips. Add healthy calories. Without radically changing your diet, you can increase your calorie intake with each meal by adding nut or seed toppings, cheese and healthy side dishes. Try almonds, sunflower seeds, fruit or whole-grain wheat toast. Go nutrient dense. Instead of eating a lot of empty calories and junk food, focus on eating foods that are rich in nutrients. Consider high-protein meats, which can help you to build muscle. Also, choose nutritious carbohydrates, such as brown rice and other whole grains. This helps ensure your body is receiving as much nourishment as possible, even if you’re dealing with a reduced appetite. Snack away. Enjoy snacks that contain plenty of protein and healthy carbohydrates. Consider options like trail mix, protein bars or drinks, and crackers with hummus or peanut butter. Also enjoy snacks that contain “good fats,” which are important for a healthy heart. Examples include nuts and avocados. Eat mini-meals. If you’re struggling with a curbed appetite due to medical or emotional issues, taking in large portions of food may not seem appealing. Consider eating smaller meals throughout the day to increase your calorie intake. Bulk up. While too much aerobic exercise will burn calories and ultimately work against your weight goal, strength training– such as weight-lifting or yoga–can help you gain weight by building muscle.
Before beginning any major weight gain program, be sure to consult your family doctor. Being underweight may indicate an underlying health issue, which won’t be corrected by diet changes. Your physician also will be able to help you track your progress and make sure that healthy changes are taking place.
Can I ask something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to..but how did you cope with the weight gain during recovery? I mean..I have gained quite a bit of weight since I started recovery, but still lower than the weight the doctors set for me. It's just that, I'm happy with the way I look now, and I'm afraid to gain anymore because I don't wanna loose the self confidence that I'm only starting to get now.. (sorry it sounds silly). Sigh, my whole problem with eating started due to stress from school - I guess you could say it was a coping mechanism.
I've seen your before & after photos, and you look really good! A lot more happy too. What was the target weight the doctors set for you during your recovery (if you don't mind me asking.)?
After answering the first half of this questiona few days ago (you can read it here), I thought I better finally answer the rest of the question. Especially since it really is such a good question :) Honestly, you sound as though you are in a very similar situation to me at the moment. Although I have exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me (She told me that I had to reach 50 kg but my weight has settled at 52 kg), I have been receiving some pressure from a few of my readers to gain more weight depite the fact that I have already reached the goal weight that my doctor set for me and I really don't want to.
Like you, I feel so happy and confident at my current weight and dont want to risk ruining that. I have the best relationhip now that I have ever had with with my body in my life and in no way does my anorexia interfere with me living life anymore. Even though I apprreciate the concern of my readers, they dont kow anything aboutt my heath and natural figure so Idont really think it is fair for them to say that I deinetely need to gain more weight, because they really cant know that.
I suppose in your case, you need to think about whether you are still underweight. If you are (if your bmi is still below 18.5) then I think you should gain more weight. Although it may seem as though you wont still like your body at a higher bmi, you most likely will! Just look at me, I accept my body now that I have a bmi of 19 which is something I thought I would never be able to do.
Although getting to a healthy weight is incredibly important, I think that there is too much focus on weight in recovery. Afterall, anorexia is a mental illness and I therefore think the way I think is more imortant then how much I weigh. So because my eating disorder thoughts are so rare ad weak these days and never stop me from doing anything I want to do, I really dont think it is necessary for me to gain any more weight at this stage. This does not mean that I have started restricting what I eat. I still listen to my body and eat atleast 2500 calories a day but I just dont eat all of the extra things that I never had an appetite for, but just ate because I knew I needed to gain weight.
Like you (the reader who asked this question), My anorexia was a coping mechanism for various things goiing on in my life, including the stress of school, frustration with my body, my alcoholic mum. The most important thing for us is that we learn knew coping mechnisms to use when life gets tough instead of these unhealthy ones. So if your anorexic thoughts are still really strong, this could also be a good indicaion tat you need to gain weight. My anorexic thoughts only improved draatically once I reached my current weight which is why I m confident that it is in fact a healthy weight for me to be at.
Also, how were you built before your eatting disorder? Have you always been slim or more solid? Although it may not be ecessary to go back to the exact weight you were before your eating disorder, you should atleast try to get up within you rnatral set point range. :)
After this past weekend, I couldnt help but wonder whether all the extra food and calories I consumed would have effected my weight or not. Especially on saturday, I think I would have easily consumed 4500 calories between eating out, my normal meals as well as all the alcohol I drank. A couple of times I started to think about how much I was eating but I just kept trying to remind myself that the extra calories couldnt hurt me. And that having fun and enjoying myself was much more important.
I can honestly say I have not tried to compensate for eating more over the weekend since then and was a little reluctant to stand on the scale this morning. I wasnt really scared of gaining a bit of weight but just felt a little strange as I had no idea what would have happened to my weight. Of course,my weight was exactly the same as it had been exactly one week ago which jusg proves what ai gave heard so many times before but failed to believe.
Eating more sometimes DOESNT suddenly make you gain weight. Our bodies do not count calories and gain or lose weight systematically like some kind of calculator. Our bodies have lots of mechanisms in place to keep our weights relatively stable if they are at a natural and healthy weight. It is only when someone continues to consume a large excess of calories or are very inactive over a long period of time that they will gain weight.
The same goes with losing weight. Eating slightly less, or even a lot less over a single day most likely wont change your weight. It is only if someone starves themselves over a significant amount of time that they will loose weight. So now I have proven to myself that eating more sometimes doesnt cause significant weight gain, I feel more at ease when it comes to eating and food which is a great feeling. I feel like I no longer overthink eating like I used to and am learning to just trust my body to look after me.
I hope that this experience I have had helps you to realise that food and extra calories are not something to be frightened of like I now have. Our bodies can deal with these things just fine and will look after us asclong as we look after it and give it the nourishment and care it deserves.
I have heard so many people who are trying to recover from anorexia say that they want to gain weight, but they want to do it really slowly and are terrified off gaining weight too fast. I can completely see where everyone is coming from who says this as I too had these exact same feelings and thoughts. For years I had this type of attitude and therefore did not eat proper recovery amounts and made almost no recovery progress at all.
I know that if you are currently experiencing these thoughts, this is probbably the last thing you want to hear but I feel as though I need to be really honest with you. You need to understand that while you are so terrified of gaining weight 'too fast' you are still just being controlled by your anorexic thoughts. I honestly cant reccommend anything other then eating proper recovery amounts as otherwise you will not be providing yourself with enough energy to properly repair.
In my experience, I really dont think it is possible to 'gain weight slowly' and make a full recovery. When Iwas trying to 'recover' at first whilst eating lower amounts, I only gained a kilogram or two in 18 months. Now I look at that time as wasted years of my life as duriin that time my life still revolved completely around my anorexia. The only regret Ihave from myy recovery is that I didn't do it sooner so that Icould have been enjoying my liffe like I currently am, all those years ago.
Try to think about it this way. If you are serious about recovery, you would know that eventually you will have to be a healthy weight. So why spend years getting to a healthy weight when you could do it in a few months. I actually found it so much easier gaining weight fast as it seemed to happen before I really even realised that it was happening. It was like one day I was extremely skinny and the next I was healthy. And because I was gaining as much as 100g per day, the shock of getting on the scale and seeing I had gained weight soon dimished.
So you can try to gain weight really slowly but I hoestly dont think that this is a good choice and I am not even convinced that it is possible. As while you are too scared to eat proper recovery amounts you are actively still listening to your anorexia and therefore giving it strength and power. It is only when you start fighting your anorexia at ever chance you get that recovery really becomes possible.
I cant believe the weekend is over already and now I am going back to work for another week. I really feel as though I could do with a day resting after working all weekend but that will just have to wait for Thursday as that is my next day off work. After a good nights sleep last night, I am not really feeling too tired. In fact I am feeling quite energized! I just ate breakfast and when I finish writing this post I am going to get ready and take Tess for a walk.
Breakfast: Toast with Cashew Spread and Vanilla Oats
At the moment I am really enjoying getting outside and taking Tess for nice long walks but I don't feel as though I HAVE to do this which is good. Afterall, it is so easy to get addicted to exercise or to use it as a compensation tool for eating and I really don't want to do anything like that. Ass long as I am exercising purely for enjoyment and health I am happy but I do not think that it is healthy for me to exercise if I don't enjoy it.
I am feeling quite healthy at the moment. My skin is good which I think is a refection of my overall health and my mental health seems to be quite good too. I would like to eventually stop taking my anxiety medication as I don't think I really need it anymore. I think that becoming weight restored has allowed my mind to get much better too and this has allowed me to start thinking more clearly. It really is amazing how much eating more and gaining weight can help you in all aspects of life, including your anxiety levels.
Today I am working at the bank which should be ok. It is only a 7 hour work day which is good as I do find working at the bank quite exhausting. I suppose the reason why I find it quite tiring is because there is always so much to learn and you have to be actively thinking all the time. There is just so much to do and so much to learn but I know that I can only do my best and that I cant stress myself out. Afterall, stressing out isn't going to help me at all, it will just make learning everything more difficult.
I hope that everyone had a fantastic weekend and that your week ahead is fantastic too! Remember you can do anything you set your mind too, as long as you believe in yourself! x
After my post this morning about the need to gain weight in recovery, I thought I would show you all the physical progress I have made up until today. Even though it was hard gaining weight, I am still happy that I have done it as I know that my weight gain is what has enabled me to actually make recovery progress mentally too.
When I was underweight, people often said that it was impossible to get better mentally until I firstly got better physically. To be perfectly honest, I was quite reluctant to believe this as I could not see how weighing more would help with what was going on in my head. I didn't understand how gaining weight would magically make my anorexic thoughts go away but that really is what seems to have happened.
Since becoming weight restored I now fully believe this theory that the key to recovery is to eat and gain weight. To me, it seems as though the anorexic part of your brain is most powerful when the rest of the brain is malnourished and weak. And it is not until the rest of your brain gets stronger and repairs whilst you are becoming weight restored that your thoughts get better and healthier.
I know it feels impossible to recover and that you cant ever imagine a time when your anorexic thoughts wont be as strong and loud but I am begging you to trust me and take this chance. Gaining weight IS necessary in order to recover from anorexia. I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now but sadly, you will not recover otherwise.
I waited around for years in the hope that my anorexia would go away and that my thoughts would get healthier but they never did. Even once I started eating a 'normal' amount, my anorexic thoughts and behaviours didn't get better at all as I was still at a very low weight. It was only once I started eating recovery amounts of food and started gaining weight that I have been able to start getting my life back and moving foward from my eating disorder.
While I may not be fully recovered, I would consider myself to be 80% recovered and I can still feel myself getting better everyday. Without gaining the weight I have, I know that I would still be exactly where I was a year ago, extremely anorexic and extremely unhappy. I know the prospect of gaining weight seems far to painful when your mind is still so unhealthy however you need to remember that as you gain weight, your mind gets better which allows you to accept the weight gain a little more easily.
I found the following article which explains why gaining weight is such an essential part of the recovery process at this website;
'So why the heck do people seem so impervious to the message that without weight restoration you get nothing? And I do mean nothing: no physical recovery AND no psychological recovery. Remember: psychological recovery is about the brain. The brain is an organ of the body; like all other organs it needs fuel to replace broken or used-up cells, and for functioning cells to communicate with each other. Starvation is as bad for children and for any other living thing. This takes no great leap of intellect: you can’t become psychologically normal in a state of malnutrition. You don’t (or shouldn't) need access to all “latest science” to know this.'
Something that I am currently working on is accepting my natural figure or body shape. I am not going to lie, I loved havng really skinny legs when I was sick. I wanted to be super skinny for years and whlst I was skinny, I really did love it but I know that is not how I am actually supposed to look. I know that I can not maintain that weight whilst I am living a normal and happy life and i know that my body cannot fuunction healthily whilst I am at that weight.
As I was walking around town yesterday in shorts, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in shop windows and I was pretty confused by what I saw. A part of me was happy, as I know that I have finally achieved what I have been trying to do for so long, which is restore my weight. But then there is the anorexic part of me screaming at me for all of the weight I have gained and wishing that I was thinner again.
I dont feel self consious of my whole body, just the parts that I also hated before I got sick. The difference now however is that I know that losing weight is not the answer. Instead, I need to learn to embrace my natural figure and accept it. In my opinion people waste their lives trying to fight their natural figures so that they can try and maintain a lower weight then they are genetically supposed to have. I do not want to be in a constant war with my body and with food so the only option is for me to accept myself, the way I am really supposed to be.
Yes my bum and thighs may not be really slim or slender but they really dont need to be in order for me to be happy. I am not overweight (in fact I am far from it) and I know that there is much more to life then just beingsuper skinny.
I found the following article from the recover warriors website really helpful, I hope you do to :)
7 STEPS TO EMBRACING AND LOVING YOUR BODY
Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care. ~Buddha
Just type in “woman”, “body” and “beauty” and you will get tons of articles representing unrealistic standards of the “perfect body”. These standards negatively influence our body image resulting in over 80% of U.S. women and 40% men being dissatisfied with their appearance and feeling the urge to change their body. At age thirteen, over 50% of American girls are unhappy with their body. At age seventeen, this percentage has gone up to 78%. A shocking observation.
For years my life was filled with counting calories, binges, beating myself up at the gym doing crazy workouts and having negative thoughts about my body. This love-hate relationship resulted in an eating disorder, which lasted for a decade. We tend to believe that changing our body will make us feel better, but no matter how close you get to beauty standards set by society, positive feelings will be short-lived and result in something else you want to change.
Dear Warriors: Hating your body will never get you as far as loving it will!
Whether your body is a size zero or a size twenty, loving your body lies in changing your body image, instead of changing its appearance. Body image is the way you perceive your body and how you believe others perceive it. It relates to the feelings about it and the sense of feeling connected with your body. Body image lies at the core of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Whether you are recovering from an eating disorder or not, developing a positive body image and loving your body just the way it is, is crucial to your happiness. Letting go of unrealistic beauty standards opens up the door to nurturing and loving your body.
However, body love is a tough journey, especially when you’ve been hating and criticizing yours for so long. It requires patience and investment. Feeling the urge to change your body’s appearance stems from dissatisfaction with the way it looks. How can you beat this negative body image and start loving your body?
Forgiving your body
The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. ~John Green
When you spend years of your life trying to change your body’s appearance and criticizing the way it looks, you probably didn’t treat it kindly. Let’s face it, the perfect body doesn’t exist. Unrealistic standards created by media and society aren’t representing any kind of beauty. They are designed to sell. When you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to buy their products. If you want to love your body, you should start by forgiving it for not being perfect.
Focus on the amazing functions of your body
Despite everything your body went through, it functions. Inside, there are millions of microscopic systems working without you even noticing. Your body is a unique and incredible creation. So instead of obsessing over how it looks, you can focus on the benefits it gives you. It will help you to see the negative consequences of destructive behaviors.
Learn How to Love Your Body
with this guided meditation
Become friends with your body
Put every negative feeling aside and write down every positive aspect of your body. Think about the things your body does for you every single day and what you can do with it. Once you do this, you’ll realize your body isn’t so bad to hang out with. You don’t need to love it yet, but become its friend. Consider your body as your buddy, with whom you work together to fulfill your dreams.
Accepting Your Body
Loving your body takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. Once you became friends with it and realize the benefits of your body, you can start accepting it. Look to yourself in the mirror without judgment. This doesn’t mean your inner-critic won’t speak up. However, you have the decision to silence that voice by not listening to it and decide to be kind to your body.
Appreciating your body
Once you accept your body the way it is, you can start learning to appreciate it. You don’t need to celebrate it yet, just be grateful for every aspect of it. When negative feelings arise you can say to yourself, “I am valuable no matter what size” and “My beauty doesn’t depend on the way my body looks.” Think about your passions and the dreams you want to fulfill and the role your body plays in fulfilling those dreams.
Nourish your body with a body love treatment. Think about taking a scented bath, a gently massage or dancing around naked. Anything you like which benefits your body and will make you feel connected with it.
After years of battling with my own body image I can now look in the mirror and be happy with my reflection. I found peace. Not in changing my body, but in changing and growing the way I perceive myself. And the funny thing is, when I was able to love myself, I was also able to live the life I wanted and do the things I found important. Being beautiful and having a positive body image is a feeling that comes from within and deserves to be unlocked.Loving your body is hard, but the process is gratifying and worth it. What does it give you? Your life!
How do you feel about your body? Let me know and leave your comments below!
Today I have woken up with a little bit of worry and anxiety about what I ate and drank over the weekend. I know that this is no big deal and that as long as I dont act on any of my thoughts they will soon pass and everything will be fine. I guess in a way getting these thoughts has been good in a way as it has reminded me that I still am in recovery and that I cant stop trying to recover until I am fully recovered.
I have been thinking about how much weight I may have gained over the weekend but I am not going to let that change how I eat today or any other day because really it doesnt matter if I did gain some weight over the weekend. Having a fun weekend where you eat a bit more the usual is a normal part of life and I know that I just need to trust my body to work everything else out. And even though I feel as though I look bigger now, I know that this is just all in my head.
I just need to keep reminding myself that even if I have gained a tiny bit of weight, there is still nothing wrong with my body and how it looks. I am healthy and that is all that really matters. I am feeling full of energy so I plan to take Tess for a nice big walk this morning before I go to work. Hopefully my work day goes nice and fast and I am home again before I know it.
Society makes us think that eating fat or having fat on your body is bad, I know because I was once made to believe that this was true too. But I assure you, fat really is not something to be feared. While it is not helthy to eat excessive amounts of bad fats or to have lots and lots of excess fat on your body, it is not something that you should be frightened of either.
When I was at my sickest, I was eating only around 5 grams of fat per day and even then I felt guilty for eating that much. Basically everything I ate had to be fat free and even once I started eating more, fat was the thing that was hardest for me to reintruduce into my diet.
I can honestly say that I have no idea how many grams of fat I eat each day now as I do not count macros but I honestly dont really care anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that fat is just another form of energy that our bodies can use to fuel our bodies. It is not some kind of poison that makes us gain incredible amounts of weight just from consuming it.
I have also realised that having some fat on my body is not a bad thing, in fact it is essential. Without a healthy body fat percentage, I know that my ody can not work effficently and optimally. I know that I will not get my period back if Ido not have enough fat on my body as my hormones wll not be in balance.
It is also important to realise that having a body with no fat on it really is not attractive at all. While I couldn't see it at the time as my anorexia was distorting how I saw my body, I can now see exactly how terrible I looked when I was really underweight. I can honestly say that I never want to look that way again.
If you don't believe me (I know I probably wouldnt have when I was at my sickest either), then here are some facts on fats from the eat balanced website;
Why do we need to eat fat?
Fat! Don’t be scared of it… You actually need it in your diet. Fat doesn’t directly make you “fat” – excess calories make you “fat”. It’s about getting the right balance.
Fat has had bad press, to the extent that some foods are designed and marketed as ‘fat-free’. But it isn’t all bad. In fact, getting some fat from our diet is absolutely vital.
In this section, you will find out what fats are, why we need them, what they do for us and where we find them in our foods.
Why do we need fat?
Virtually all natural foods contain some fat. It is in foods because both plants and animals use fats as the most economical way to store energy. It is needed for their growth, development and function when there is a shortage of food supply (or a shortage of sunlight in the case of plants).
Certain specific dietary fats have other essential functions. We are much like other animals so we do actually need some fat from our diet to survive. And while in general, as with most things, too much fat is bad, a certain amount is perfectly compatible with good health.
What is fat for?
A source of energy – Our body uses the fat we eat, and fats we make from other nutrients in our bodies, to provide the energy for most of our life-functions
Energy store – The extra calories that we consume, but do not need to use immediately, are stored for future use in special fat cells (adipose tissue)
Essential fatty acids – Dietary fats that are essential for growth development and cell functions, but cannot be made by our body’s processes
Proper functioning of nerves and brain- fats are part of myelin- a fatty material which wraps around our nerve cells so that they can send electrical messages. Our brains contain large amounts of essential fats
Maintaining healthy skin and other tissues. All our body cells need to contain some fats as essential parts of cell membranes, controlling what goes in and out of our cells
Transporting fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E and K through the bloodstream to where they are needed
Forming steroid hormones needed to regulate many bodily processes
Trust me, I know how hard it is to eat foods that are high in fat when you have such a big fear of it but I promise that it cant hurt you. I was terrified of it once too but now I am no more scared of foods that contain fats then I am of any other food.
Even if you need to do it gradually, that is completely fine. Just try to slowly reintroduce more and more fats into your diet and eventually your fear will start to fade. If you feel you ned to, just start with healthy fats and then you can progress into eating all other kinds of fats too.
From experience I can honestly say that it is also possible to eventually accept having fat on your body too. In my opinion, learning that fat is not the enemy really is an essential part of recovery and therefore something I encourage everryone to do.
