brave girl eating

Since getting anorexia, I have read various books on the topic but the most amazing book I have read is 'Brave girl Eating'. In fact, over the past few years I have read it three times. Brave girl eating is written by a lady called Harriet Brown. While Harriet Brown has never suffered from an eating disorder, her daughter Kitty has.


Harriet Brown writes about the struggles that her daughter went through while battling her illness as well as how it effected the entire family. Something I found truly amazing is the amount of knowledge Harriet Brown has about eating disorders, even though she has not personally suffered from one. She did a lot of research on the topic and has included this research throughout her book which I found really interesting.


Harriet Brown was able to explain exactly what I have been thinking and feeling over the past three years better then I have ever been able to explain it myself. I came accross many similarities between the authors daughter Kitty and myself which is another reason why I felt connected to the book.

I highly recommend reading this book if you are suffering from an eating disorder yourslef as it really helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was. I also highly reccommend getting your family to read this book if you have anorexia as I think it will really help them to understand what you are going through. I tried so hard to get my mum to read this book as I thought it may be able to help her understand but unfortunately she refused to.



I have always believed that no one can understand what anorexia is like unless you have been through it yourself but I think that Harriet Brown is an exception to this, I think that she does truly understand and that comes through in her writing.
If you are interested in reading this book but want to find out a little bit more about it before buying it, go to THIS SITE.

Falling into the deep hole of Anorexia

I think that one of the scariest things about anorexia is that you really can't see it coming. You can't feel yourself developing it and once you realise you have it,  it is far too late. The damage is already done and this damage is extremely hard to undo. Just like a hole in the ground that is hidden by leaves and undergrowth, often a person doesn't even know that it is there until they fall right to the bottom of the hole. It happens so fast that the person falling only realises that something terrible has happened when they hit the ground at the bottom of the hole. For me, it only took about 6 months to go from being a perfectly healthy and bubbly 17 year old girl to being a miserable and very sick girl suffering from Anorexia.

Some people can never get out of the hole as they have simply fallen too far in. Others may be able to eventually climb out of the hole but it takes a lot of time and a lot of strength to do so. Initially I thought that the hole I had fallen into was impossible to climb out of but now I realise It is possible, it will just take a long time and a lot of strength to do it. So far it has taken me 3 years to get to where I am in my recovery and I know I still have a long way to go before I reach the top and recover completely.

The point I am trying to get at is that if you suspect you could be developing an unhealthy relationship with food, try to get help before you develop this awful illness and fall deep into the hole of anorexia. Also, if you suspect someone you care about may be developing anorexia, don't wait until they have developed the illness entirely before getting help for them. The longer a person Is sick, the more powerful their anorexic voice becomes and the harder it is for them to recover. It is a known fact that early intervention is very important and can often determine the recovery outcomes of a patient.

I can not stress enough just how serious Anorexia is. More people die from anorexia than any other mental illness because it is so hard to fight. It has a higher mortality rate then some cancers and also has very few treatment options as very little is understood about it. Dont risk developing this awful disease as it WILL ruin your life (well at least a significant part of it anyway). Please, trust me when I say that there is nothing good about having anorexia.

I wish that I could somehow show everyone just how awful it it to have anorexia because then I think they would take extra precautions to avoid developing the disease. If only someone had been able to explain to me how awful Anorexia is when I was becoming obsessed with food and weight, perhaps I would have been able to stop myself from falling down the hole. I may have been able to see the hole coming and stepped over the top of it, instead of falling into it.

I never imagined just how terrible anorexia could possibely be until I was going through it. It wasn't until I suddenly had no control and was unable to eat anything at all that I new something was wrong.  By then, the damage had allready been done. I had developed anorexia and had no choice but to start fighting for my life to get out of the hole and survive.

  

Extreme Hunger

At the moment I am feeling really hungry all the time. I am used to eating a meal every 3 hours but this morning after eating breakfast at 6:00 am, I was already starving again by 8:00. I decided to wait until 8:45 before having my Morning Tea but I have just read on the website 'your Eatopia' that this was the wrong thing to do. To read the article I read, click here.

I know that the article says that you should not stick to a certain intake amount if you feel hungrier but the thought of just eating extra and not sticking to my meal plan scares me so much. As I mentioned in my post yesterday 'Binging in Anorexia Recovery', the thought of binging really scares me and I feel as though this could happen if I stop following my meal plan. Eating all the food itself isn't actually what scares me, what I am frightened of is the way I know I will feel about myself afterwards, if I was to binge.

The article says that eating more wont make you relapse and that restricting will, but I don't agree with this. I know that I will not cope with a binge at all if it was to happen and that it would make me feel incredibely guilty and ashaimed. The last thing I want to do is make myself hate food and eating as I am finally really enjoying it again. What does everybody else think? Is it ok to just keep eating according to my meal plan and to ignore my hunger cues as long as I am still gaining weight?

I wish that I was strong enough to just listen to my body and eat the extra food but I honestly don't think I am yet. I know that I can gain weight eating what I currently am, atleast for a while and I would feel so much happier and less anxious if I just continued to follow my meal plan. Eventually, once I am weight restored I have full intentions of learning to eat intuitively, stop counting calories completely and to listen to my hunger cues.

I don't think I can cope with eating even more extreme quantities of food than I allready am right now as I am working on so many other aspects of my recovery as well. Afterall, I dont want to push myself too far if it is going to cause more damage than good in regards to my anorexia recovery.


I feel strange showing you all this weaker side of me, like I am somehow failing everyone who reads my blog as well as myself. I have been writing really positive things in relation to my recovery lately but it is important that I am completely honest on my blog and share my struggles as well as my accomplishments. There is no point in making everyone believe that I am practically recovered because I am definitely not. I know I still have a long way to go before I am weight restored and have a 'normal' relationship with food again.

Anzac day

Today is anzac day which is one of the most important days of the year here is Australia. Many people have said that they would like to hear a bit more about Australia and our culture so I thought that it would be a good idea to share with you all why ANZAC day is such a special day for Australians. Even though I have to work this afternoon, I have the morning off work so I will be able to attend the 11 o'clock Anzac day service which I go to every year. 

Instead of trying to explain ANZAC day myself, I found this great information at http://www.army.gov.au/our-history/traditions/anzac-day

The Catafalque Party made up of members from Australia's Federation Guard, mount the Catafalque at the beginning of the Lone Pine Service at Gallipoli.

When is Anzac Day?
Anzac Day falls on the 25th of April each year. The 25th of April was officially named Anzac Day in 1916.

What does 'ANZAC' stand for? 'ANZAC' stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps.

On the 25th of April 1915, Australian and New Zealand soldiers formed part of the allied expedition that set out to capture the Gallipoli peninsula. These became known as Anzacs and the pride they took in that name continues to this day.

Why is this day special to Australians? On the morning of 25 April 1915, the Anzacs set out to capture the Gallipoli peninsula in order to open the Dardanelles to the allied navies. The objective was to capture Constantinople (now Istanbul in Turkey), the capital of the Ottoman Empire, and an ally of Germany.

The Anzacs landed on Gallipoli and met fierce resistance from the Ottoman Turkish defenders. Their plan to knock Turkey out of the war quickly became a stalemate, and the campaign dragged on for eight months.

At the end of 1915, the allied forces were evacuated. Both sides suffered heavy casualties and endured great hardships. Over 8,000 Australian soldiers were killed. News of the landing on Gallipoli and the events that followed had a profound impact on Australians at home. The 25th of April soon became the day on which Australians remember the sacrifice of those who had died in the war.

The Anzacs were courageous and although the Gallipoli campaign failed in its military objectives, the Australian and New Zealand actions during the campaign left us all a powerful legacy.

What does Anzac Day mean today? With the coming of the Second World War, Anzac Day also served to commemorate the lives of Australians who died in that war. The meaning of Anzac Day today includes the remembrance of all Australians killed in military operations.

Members from Australia's Federation Guard form a catafalque party around the Tomb of the Unknown Australian Soldier at the Australian War Memorial.

What happens on ANZAC Day? Anzac Day remembrance takes two forms. Commemorative services are held at dawn – the time of the original landing in Gallipoli – across the nation. Later in the day, ex-servicemen and women meet to take part in marches through the major cities and in many smaller centres. Commemorative ceremonies are more formal and are held at war memorials around the country.

A typical Anzac Day ceremony may include the following features: an introduction, hymn, prayer, an address, laying of wreaths, a recitation, the Last Post, a period of silence, either the Rouse or the Reveille, and the national anthem. After the Memorial’s ceremony, families often place red poppies beside the names of relatives on the Memorial’s Roll of Honour, as they also do after Remembrance Day services.

Rosemary is also traditionally worn on Anzac Day, and sometimes on Remembrance Day. Rosemary has particular significance for Australians as it is found growing wild on the Gallipoli peninsula. Since ancient times, this aromatic herb has been believed to have properties to improve the memory.

The Anzac Biscuit During World War One, the friends and families of soldiers and community groups sent food to the fighting men. Due to the time delays in getting food items to the front lines, they had to send food that would remain edible, without refrigeration, for long periods of time that retained high nutritional value; the Anzac biscuit met this need.

Although there are variations, the basic ingredients are: rolled oats, sugar, plain flour, coconut, butter, golden syrup or treacle, bi-carbonate of soda, and boiling water.

The biscuit was first known as the Soldiers’ Biscuit. The current name, Anzac Biscuit, has as much to do with Australia’s desire to recognise the Anzac tradition and the Anzac biscuit as part of the staple diet at Gallipoli. 

I love ANZAC biscuits and eat them all year round as many Australians do. I have decided to share the recipe with you all incase anyone else wants to try them.

Out of interest, has anyone from other countries ever heard of Anzac day or Anzac biscuits? I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! :)

Binging in Anorexia Recovery

I know that it is quite common for people who have suffered from restrictive eating disorders to experience binging after they start eating larger amount in recovery and this is something that I am really scared of. When I talk about binging, I don't just mean eating lots as obviously this is what all anorexics need to do while they are recovering. While I have stuck to my meal plan really well so far and have never felt as though I have lost control over what I am eating, I still worry that it could happen to me as it is so common in recovery.

One of the reasons I am so terrified of binging is because I know how guilty and awful I would feel and this may lead me feeling as though need to purge. While I haven't purged over the last 3 years, I did do it very early on in my eating disorder and it was by far the most awful thing I have ever done to myself. I honestly think that my anorexia started as the purge type anorexia and then transformed into the restrictive type. When I was admitted to hospital early on in my illness I made a promise to myself that I would never make myself vomit again and that I would not put myself in a position so that I would feel tempted to do so ever again either.

I try not to think about it too much as was so awful but it was extremely painful and made me feel very ashamed. For me, it wasn't easy to make myself vomit so It would take me a long time to get rid of what I had eaten. When I finished my stomach muscles would be really sore, as was my throat and my hand. I still have a scar over my knuckle from where it repeatedly rubbed over my teeth as I made myself vomit and I am really surprised no one ever noticed it when I was purging as it would have been an obvious give away for anyone who had any knowledge about eating disorders. 

I understand why binges happen in anorexic recovery and if you want to learn more about it, you should click here. I get that it is a natural response when your body is reintroduced to food after being deprived for so long, but that does not mean I want it to happen to me. While I know that the extra food consumed in a binge wouldn't necessarily be bad in terms of my physical recovery, I know that it it would be very damaging psychologically For me. I am finally really enjoying food again and I dont want to make myself feel bad about eating it, which is what would happen if I binged. There is also always the risk of developing a secondary eating disorder like Binge Eating Disorder which I obviously want to avoid as well.

Does anyone else have these types of worries while recovering? Or does anyone have any advice about how to prevent binging in recovery?  

Feeling a little stressed

I am feeling a little stressed at the moment as I am in the middle of a really busy few weeks. Because I work two jobs, every now and the my rosters run into one another so I end up working many days in a row without any break at all. For instance after working three days earlier this week, I only had yesterday off which is when I went to the city to go shopping, and now I am working for another 7 days straight. Once I finish those 7 days I only have a single day off before I am back to work again.

I know I shouldn't complain as living out on your own is really expensive and I do need the money but I also feel like I need rest too. And I feel like I have so many jobs around the house that I need to do but simply cant as I am never here. I know I will be able to get through it as I have before and I will probably find it a bit easier now that I am eating so much more as I will hopefully continue to feel more energised. I am sleeping a lot better now too which is a huge bonus!

Staying busy probably isn't a bad idea at the moment anyone as I think I will be able to cope with gaining weight better if I don't have as much time to sit around thinking about it. If I keep my mind off of my weight gain, I will have less of a chance to feel guilty and anxious about it. Does everyone else agree with this? Do you think that it is better to keep your mind busy while recovering so you don't have as many opportunities to feel anxious over your weight gain?

I do want to apologize in advance as I probably won't get to blog as much as I would like to over the next week or so. Even though blogging is a big priority of mine, it wont be humanly possible for me to spend a huge amount of time writing posts but I promise I will try my best! I just need to stay positive and rememeber that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once I get through all of these work days I will be able to rest and relax and blog to my hearts content (and no doubt get through many episodes of Greys anatomy ;)). Have a great weekend everyone!

shopping day with mum

I am glad to say that I have been completely complient with my meal plan so far today and am feeling good. Something that surprises me is that I am still really hungry when it is time for my next meal which means that I am looking forward to everything I eat and can enjoy it. After getting ready this morning and taking Tess for a walk, I drove to my families place where I met my mum. We got on the road early and chatted all the way to Launceston which was really nice. It was great to talk openly with my mum about my recovery and progress as well as her own problems she is currently trying to deal with. For the first time in forever I felt as though I could talk to my mum the way a daughter should be able to talk to there mum.

When we got to town I bought some new clothes for work as I needed warmer clothes now that winter is approaching. I didn't buy any new casual clothes but I did spoil myself and buy a few new television series. I got season 9 and 10 of Greys anatomy as well as season 1 of Love Child which is an Australian series that came out last year that I didn't get to watch on tv. I also got a case for my new tablet which is a huge relief as I was so worried I was going to drop it and damage it (I am one of the clumsiest people I know).

I am feeling full of energy now that I am eating so much more and I am also feeling really hot (as in temperature wise) all the time too which is really weird for me. Usually I am rugged up with heaps of layers on but today I didn't even wear a jacket and needed to put the air conditioning on inside the car even though it was only like 15 degrees. Does anyone know if feeling really warm is a normal side effect of refeeding? It isn't a huge problem or anything (in fact it's kind of good as it means I don't get as cold ;)) but I was just curious if it is actually due to the extra food I am eating or if it is purely just coincidece.

I always think that the worst part of going away shopping for the day is coming home and having to unpack it all but finally I have finished unpacking. In the two hours since I got home I have also managed to cook tea, eat tea, wash up, walk Tess, tidy the house, have a shower and write this post so I have been very busy. I am glad that I can just lay back and relax for the rest of the night now. I intend to get myself some dessert and start watching season 9 of greys anatomy. I can't decide on hot Apple pie and icecream or lemon pudding and icecream, what would you chose if you were me? Then I plan to get an early night as I feel exhausted and need to work in the morning. I hope that everone will have/ is having/ has had a fantastic day (this time difference thing is really confusing haha)!

Me all ready to head to the city this morning