Yes, Recovery is hard and uncomfortable.... But you should do it anyway, I promise its worth it!
Saturday, 30 July 2016
Thursday, 28 July 2016
A new 'letter to my anorexia'
Firstly, I am going to repost the first letter I wrote to my anorexia, last year whilst I was still gaining weight and having to fight my anorexia more actively. Then I will write a new letter, which should explain how I feel towards my anorexia now that I am very close to being fully recovered.
Old letter...
To my anorexia,
I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.
For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.
I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.
When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.
Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.
Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.
I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.
Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.
Yours sincerely,
Karly
New letter...
To my anorexia,
Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote you. No longer are you a large part of my life and most of the time, I forget about you all together. Occassionally, you creep your way back in and remind me that you are still there, but I dont listen anyway, no matter what you try to tell me. I know that you are nothing but a monster, so why would I listen to you? I wouldn't listen to anything a murderer tried to tell me and at the end of the day, thats all you are really. You tried to kill me and that is something that is unforgivable.
Although I hoped you would leave my life completely at the time I wrote my last letter, deep down I was still worried that I would never be able to get rid of you all together. Although I didn't want to admit it, I was worried that you were too strong and that overcoming you all together was simply not possible. But I was brave and believed in myself and beat you time and time again. You continued to get weaker, as I got stronger and after everything I have managed to achieve, I now know that I WILL overcome you all together and make a full recovery.
When I last wrote you, you were still the thing that consumed most of my life. Now, other things have taken your place and come between us. The most wonderful thing that has entered my life, of course is my incredible boyfriend. My boyfriend has replaced you in so many ways and this stops me from feeling as though I need you anymore. I no longer rely on you to make me feel special or safe as this is what my boyfriend does ever single day. Unlike you though, I know that my boyfriend would never hurt me and only wants what is best for me. Also, I hope that I spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but that definetely is not how I feel about you.
Although you have destroyed years of my life, I still feel as though I should thank you because it was only through fighting you and beating you that I have learned to believe in myself and to accept and love the person that I am. Before you came into my life, I hated myself and had no self confidence, I suppose thats why you took over so easily. I was vulunerable and you took advantage of my low self esteem. Ok, maybe I dont want to thank you, as you really dont deserve that but in a way I am glad I have been through what I have. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today and I like who I am.
I dont really have anything nore to say to you. I have already wasted enough of my life on you and dont intend to waste anymore.
Yours sincerely,
Karly
Old letter...
To my anorexia,
I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.
For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.
I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.
When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.
Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.
Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.
I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.
Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.
Yours sincerely,
Karly
New letter...
To my anorexia,
Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote you. No longer are you a large part of my life and most of the time, I forget about you all together. Occassionally, you creep your way back in and remind me that you are still there, but I dont listen anyway, no matter what you try to tell me. I know that you are nothing but a monster, so why would I listen to you? I wouldn't listen to anything a murderer tried to tell me and at the end of the day, thats all you are really. You tried to kill me and that is something that is unforgivable.
Although I hoped you would leave my life completely at the time I wrote my last letter, deep down I was still worried that I would never be able to get rid of you all together. Although I didn't want to admit it, I was worried that you were too strong and that overcoming you all together was simply not possible. But I was brave and believed in myself and beat you time and time again. You continued to get weaker, as I got stronger and after everything I have managed to achieve, I now know that I WILL overcome you all together and make a full recovery.
When I last wrote you, you were still the thing that consumed most of my life. Now, other things have taken your place and come between us. The most wonderful thing that has entered my life, of course is my incredible boyfriend. My boyfriend has replaced you in so many ways and this stops me from feeling as though I need you anymore. I no longer rely on you to make me feel special or safe as this is what my boyfriend does ever single day. Unlike you though, I know that my boyfriend would never hurt me and only wants what is best for me. Also, I hope that I spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but that definetely is not how I feel about you.
Although you have destroyed years of my life, I still feel as though I should thank you because it was only through fighting you and beating you that I have learned to believe in myself and to accept and love the person that I am. Before you came into my life, I hated myself and had no self confidence, I suppose thats why you took over so easily. I was vulunerable and you took advantage of my low self esteem. Ok, maybe I dont want to thank you, as you really dont deserve that but in a way I am glad I have been through what I have. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today and I like who I am.
I dont really have anything nore to say to you. I have already wasted enough of my life on you and dont intend to waste anymore.
Yours sincerely,
Karly
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
My new lifestyle
Prior to starting herbalife, I thought I ate relatively healthily. I tried to eat lots of fruit and vegetables and I avoided eating excessive amounts of typically unhealthy foods. After starting to transform my diet, I can see that my old diet was far from healthy and that it lacked protein as well as many essential nutrients.
I was eating as many as 4-5 serves of fruit a day which I tgought was a really healthy thing to be doing. According to the Australian guide to healthy eating however, this meant I was well abd truly exceeding the reccommended intake of 2 serves. I was also eating processed snack foods that contained lots of refined sugar.
Almost all of my diet contained carbohydrates, not because I was scared of foods containing the other macronutrients but because I enjoyed those foods. Only eats carbs however left me feeling tired all the time and I never seemed to feel full, even straight after eating a meal.
Now, I have been eating much more protein instead of only carbs and am freeling so much better for it. I am now eating more lean meat, eggs, protein bars, soy milk and yoghurt and have been adding protein powder to my morning oats too. I have also been trying to increase my intake of healthy fats too, although I know I need to keep increasing my fat intake as it is still quite low.
I have started eating more serves of wholegrains instead of as much sugary fruit and this, along with eating so much more protein which has helped me to feel fuller and more energized for longer. Also, eating more protein will hopefully allow me to get stronger and build muscle as I exercise. Hopefully this will help me to be the healthiest and best me that I can possibly be.
I am still loving my herbalife products and have just signed up to be a member. The thing to remember about Herbalife and healthy eating is that it doesnt have to just be a phase, for me I want it to be a lifestyle that I follow indefinitely. I am so excited for what the future holds and for the first time, full recovery feels totally possible for me.
I was eating as many as 4-5 serves of fruit a day which I tgought was a really healthy thing to be doing. According to the Australian guide to healthy eating however, this meant I was well abd truly exceeding the reccommended intake of 2 serves. I was also eating processed snack foods that contained lots of refined sugar.
Almost all of my diet contained carbohydrates, not because I was scared of foods containing the other macronutrients but because I enjoyed those foods. Only eats carbs however left me feeling tired all the time and I never seemed to feel full, even straight after eating a meal.
Now, I have been eating much more protein instead of only carbs and am freeling so much better for it. I am now eating more lean meat, eggs, protein bars, soy milk and yoghurt and have been adding protein powder to my morning oats too. I have also been trying to increase my intake of healthy fats too, although I know I need to keep increasing my fat intake as it is still quite low.
I have started eating more serves of wholegrains instead of as much sugary fruit and this, along with eating so much more protein which has helped me to feel fuller and more energized for longer. Also, eating more protein will hopefully allow me to get stronger and build muscle as I exercise. Hopefully this will help me to be the healthiest and best me that I can possibly be.
I am still loving my herbalife products and have just signed up to be a member. The thing to remember about Herbalife and healthy eating is that it doesnt have to just be a phase, for me I want it to be a lifestyle that I follow indefinitely. I am so excited for what the future holds and for the first time, full recovery feels totally possible for me.
Monday, 25 July 2016
So little time, so much to do
I really am enjoying being busy at the moment however at times I do feel a little overwhelmed when trying to get everything I want to/ need to do done. I have been up since 6am this morning and I feel as though I haven't stopped since. After drinking my vanilla flavoured herbalife nutritional shake (blended with soy milk, banana, strawberries and cinnamon) I got ready and headed to the gym where I did a 45 minute 'pump' class.
By the time I got back home it was time to make some morning tea so I cooked up two sachets of oats with some soy milk and water. Once it was cooked I also added a TBS of my personalised protein powder to get an extra kick of protein after my work out. As you can probably see I really treat morning tea as a second breakfast as I love oats so much and wven though I have a shake for breakfast now, I still like to eat oats nearly everyday.
I headed to uni and was settled down and studying by 9:30am. Unfortunately the tutorial recording I had planned to watch was not playing properly so I was unable to get that done but I did work on some other things I needed to do. After about an hour and a half of productive atudying I headed home (only a 5 minute walk away) to make some lunch. I made a delicious chicken, cheese, baby spinach and mayonaise toasted sandwhich which i ate with a cup of chicken noodle soup and a small salted caramel protein bar.
I had to be back at uni for a physical activity and health tutorial by 12 which went for two hours. I am really enjoying the physical activity and health unit and am finding the information teally interesting as I can relatr everything to myself and the way my body works during exercise. After the tutorial I went to the library and worked for another hour or so before having some afternoon tea (a boiled egg, a small packet of savoury biscuits and an apple and heading home once again.
Once I got home, my brother rang me because he needed to chat to someone. Although I really didnt have time to talk, I couldn't not chat to my brother when he needed me so I talked to him for an hour or so and I think I actually made him feel a little better so I am really glad I took the time to talk to him. Then I got my washing in, prepared my tea and did some tidying up as my room was in a bit of a mess. Now I am planning on going for a quick shower before having tea and then heading back to uni to try and watch the lecture I couldn't get working today.
Although it is only Monday, I really want to try and stay on top of my uni workload this week as I have two shifts working at mcdonalds and am also heading to Melbourne this Friday morning so wont be able to get any study done on Friday or over the weekend. I was supposed to be going to my boyfriends place tomorrow night but I really dont think I am going to be able to.
Driving there will take me an hour and a half and I have to work tomorrow so it will mean I have hardly any time to do any studying tomorrow at all. And then I have to drive all the way back Wednesday morning too which will waste more time I ould be studying. Luckily I saw my boyfriend this morning though and I will see him again Thursday so I am hoping he understands. We will also be spending the whole weekend in Melbourne together so hopefully that will make up for it!
Even though it feels a bit crazy right now with so much going on, I know I can get through the next week. As long as I stay positive, work hard and look after myself by eating lots of nutritious food to keep my energy levels up. I also know that stopping and taking some time to do things I enjoy like going to the gym and relaxing a little are important too, even if only for a little while. As you can see I am busy this week but I will try my best to fit a few posts in before I head off on my trip. I hope you have a fantastic week :)
By the time I got back home it was time to make some morning tea so I cooked up two sachets of oats with some soy milk and water. Once it was cooked I also added a TBS of my personalised protein powder to get an extra kick of protein after my work out. As you can probably see I really treat morning tea as a second breakfast as I love oats so much and wven though I have a shake for breakfast now, I still like to eat oats nearly everyday.
I headed to uni and was settled down and studying by 9:30am. Unfortunately the tutorial recording I had planned to watch was not playing properly so I was unable to get that done but I did work on some other things I needed to do. After about an hour and a half of productive atudying I headed home (only a 5 minute walk away) to make some lunch. I made a delicious chicken, cheese, baby spinach and mayonaise toasted sandwhich which i ate with a cup of chicken noodle soup and a small salted caramel protein bar.
I had to be back at uni for a physical activity and health tutorial by 12 which went for two hours. I am really enjoying the physical activity and health unit and am finding the information teally interesting as I can relatr everything to myself and the way my body works during exercise. After the tutorial I went to the library and worked for another hour or so before having some afternoon tea (a boiled egg, a small packet of savoury biscuits and an apple and heading home once again.
Once I got home, my brother rang me because he needed to chat to someone. Although I really didnt have time to talk, I couldn't not chat to my brother when he needed me so I talked to him for an hour or so and I think I actually made him feel a little better so I am really glad I took the time to talk to him. Then I got my washing in, prepared my tea and did some tidying up as my room was in a bit of a mess. Now I am planning on going for a quick shower before having tea and then heading back to uni to try and watch the lecture I couldn't get working today.
Although it is only Monday, I really want to try and stay on top of my uni workload this week as I have two shifts working at mcdonalds and am also heading to Melbourne this Friday morning so wont be able to get any study done on Friday or over the weekend. I was supposed to be going to my boyfriends place tomorrow night but I really dont think I am going to be able to.
Driving there will take me an hour and a half and I have to work tomorrow so it will mean I have hardly any time to do any studying tomorrow at all. And then I have to drive all the way back Wednesday morning too which will waste more time I ould be studying. Luckily I saw my boyfriend this morning though and I will see him again Thursday so I am hoping he understands. We will also be spending the whole weekend in Melbourne together so hopefully that will make up for it!
Even though it feels a bit crazy right now with so much going on, I know I can get through the next week. As long as I stay positive, work hard and look after myself by eating lots of nutritious food to keep my energy levels up. I also know that stopping and taking some time to do things I enjoy like going to the gym and relaxing a little are important too, even if only for a little while. As you can see I am busy this week but I will try my best to fit a few posts in before I head off on my trip. I hope you have a fantastic week :)
Friday, 22 July 2016
Remember to rest
Ever since getting a gym membership a few weeks ago, I have really enjoyed being able to exercise regularly, regardless of the weather. I have also really enjoyed doing a wide variety of exercises instead of just walking like I used to do and I can already see my fitness and strength improving. Something incredibely important to remember is to make sure you have rest days, to give your body a break and allow it to repair and recover.
Something else to remember is that on rest days, you should not feel as though you cant eat as much as you usually would. If you only feel as though you can not or should not eat your regular intake if you are not doing exercise then this is not a healthy mindset to have and perhaps you aren't ready to start exercising again. You should not think of exercise as something you do so that you can eat, you should think of eating as something you do to keep you healthy and that gives your body the fuel it needs so that you can exercise when you want to.
For instance, I have been to the gym the last 4 days in a row and I am choosing to have a rest day today to allow my sore muscles to repair. I have full intention of eating my usual intake today even though I am not exercising. It has taken me a long time to change to this mindset but I am glad to say that my days of compensating for not exercising by eating less are over! I know that my body needs to be fueled properly EVERYDAY and that is exactly what I intend to do!
Although not as much energy will be required by your body for actual physical activity on rest days, if you eat your usual amount this just means that more energy will be available to help your body to repair and recover. It also gives your body a chance to replenish its energy stores which will prepare you for exercise again, next time you do work out. Rest days also give you a chance to focus on other important aspects of your life, that you may not usually have time. Remember that looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical health.
The number of rest days a person takes is an individual choice however I think that people should try to rest atleast one day a week. Personally, I find I need atleast 2 rest days per week as I am still very new to working out and I dont want to rush my body into making progress too quickly. I also want to make sure that I am only exercising for the right reasons and that I am not getting addicted to exercise, as I know that this sometimes does happen post anorexia recovery.
Wednesday, 20 July 2016
Feeling Fantastic and loving 'Herbalife'
Since starting Herbalifes wellness program, I have been overwhelmed by just how fantastic and positive I am feeling. Even though I am about 5 times busier now then I was before, I feel less tired and more full of energy then I used to. Since starting Herbalife, each day I find myself bounding out of bed at 6am ready to start my day. I am not missing my old eating routine one little bit as the foods I eat now are just as yummy, the only difference is that they are less processed and more nutritious.
The most wonderful thing about Herbalife for me by far is the fact that it is helping me to change my mindset in regards to food. For so long I have wanted nothing more then to change my realtionship with food so that I no longer feel the need to count calories and so that I start seeing food for all that it really is, which is fuel for my body. Although I know that changing my old unhealthy mindset will take time as it is so well engrained into me, however I can feel it slowly changing and that gives me so much hope for the future.
I just feel so bubbly and happy right now and I think it is because I have such a wonderfully balanced life at the moment, which is something I have always really struggled to achieve in the past. I am studying at uni and meeting new friends as well as socialising with old ones, I am regularly going to the gym, I am spending heaps of time with my wonderful boyfriend, I am working a few shifts a week at mcdonalds (I'm glad im not working too much though as I dont think I would have enough time) and I am taking the time to cook and enjoy lovely nutricious foods to keep me fueled so that I can achieve all of this.
Would I reccommend something like Herbalife for everyone in recovery from an eating disorder?... Definetely not! I think it is the kind of thing that definetely has the potential to help in the very last stages of recovery however going on a program like this could do much more damage then harm if someone was to go onto it too early or before they were ready for it. So my advice would be to work away at recovery yourself (or with your treatment team) until you are weight restored and relatively healthy and then if you wanted to try something like Herbalife to help you make that final step to having a totally healthy relationship with food, then go for it. Maybe you will find it as helpful as I am! :)
The most wonderful thing about Herbalife for me by far is the fact that it is helping me to change my mindset in regards to food. For so long I have wanted nothing more then to change my realtionship with food so that I no longer feel the need to count calories and so that I start seeing food for all that it really is, which is fuel for my body. Although I know that changing my old unhealthy mindset will take time as it is so well engrained into me, however I can feel it slowly changing and that gives me so much hope for the future.
I just feel so bubbly and happy right now and I think it is because I have such a wonderfully balanced life at the moment, which is something I have always really struggled to achieve in the past. I am studying at uni and meeting new friends as well as socialising with old ones, I am regularly going to the gym, I am spending heaps of time with my wonderful boyfriend, I am working a few shifts a week at mcdonalds (I'm glad im not working too much though as I dont think I would have enough time) and I am taking the time to cook and enjoy lovely nutricious foods to keep me fueled so that I can achieve all of this.
Would I reccommend something like Herbalife for everyone in recovery from an eating disorder?... Definetely not! I think it is the kind of thing that definetely has the potential to help in the very last stages of recovery however going on a program like this could do much more damage then harm if someone was to go onto it too early or before they were ready for it. So my advice would be to work away at recovery yourself (or with your treatment team) until you are weight restored and relatively healthy and then if you wanted to try something like Herbalife to help you make that final step to having a totally healthy relationship with food, then go for it. Maybe you will find it as helpful as I am! :)
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| Getting home from the gym today |
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| Yesterdays lunch: wholemeal noodles with vegetables and 1 tin of tuna on crispbread |
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| Todays lunch: Chicken and sweet potato curry with rice and mixed vegetables and a mug of herbalife peach tea |
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