Its 5:20am and im laying in my new bed in my new room unable to sleep. After an incredibly long and tiring day yesterday filled with packing, cleaning, moving and driving, I slept really well for the first half of the night. However now I am feeling wide awake and sleep feels like an very far off thing. So I thought I may as well use this time to write a quick post and update you all on how things are going.
I If I have learnt anything through being sick, its that life is way too short to spend time unhappy of you dont need to be. To me, being happy is more important then having any particular type of career or heaps of money. That is why, after leaving my job and home behind in Swansea, and even my family and friends, I dont feel any regrets. Because now I can spend more time with the guy that I love and who makes me happier then anyone else makes me.
I have decided to apply to university in a Bachelor if Health science at university as that is available with mid year entry and I can already see that the course is well suited to me. I like the sound of all the units and am looking forward to once again studying these subjects that I am so passionate about and interested in. Last time I was at university, I wasnt in a good headspace at all. My anxiety was at an all time high (although I refused to take medication for it) and I was very underweight. This time I feel ready to get back into uni and im sure with the support of my wonderful boyfriend, I will be fine.
Monday, 28 March 2016
Monday, 14 March 2016
How things have changed
It really amazing for me to look back now and see just how far I have come in the past 12 months. To really demonstrate this i thought I would do a comparison of my weekend this weekend to a typical weekend for me a year ago.
For starters, back then I was underweight with an extremely unhealthy bmi of only 14. Now however, my bmi is 19 which puts me within the healthy bmi range. I know that I am still thin but am just happy that I am a healthy weight for my height. I have quite a petite frame and my siblings and parents are all thin so as long as my mind stays healthy I am happy with my current weight and have no desire to change my weight.
A year ago, if someone had asked me if I liked my body or the way I looked, I would have said definetely not. But now, I can honestly say that i dont mind my body and how I look. I know that I am healthy and that is the most important thing!
This past weekend I have been out to a restaurant for two different meals as well as eating lunch at a bakery. Eating out like this was aomething that I would have found terrifying 12 months ago and would have avoided at all costs. Now however I love going out for meals, especially with my boyfriend.
I also went for tea at my parents house and ate tea which was prepared for me by my mum which is something I refused to do 12 months ago. The reason this terrified me so much back then was because I hated eating an unknown number of calories.
Now, although I do still keep a rough track of how much i eat most days (mainly because I seem to undereat if i dont), knowing exactly how many calories I eat really doesn't matter to me anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that its ok to eat more sometimes and that a little extra food wont hurt me or make me instantly gain heaps of weight.
I am also comfortable drinking alcohol when i got out with my boyfriend and friends which is something I never would have done. I no longer have a fear of consumimg liquid calories and find a lot of enjoyment in being sociable anddrinking with friends. I also drink things like hot chocolate or juice, which i would have considered to be a waste of calories, 12 months ago, sinply because I feel like them and enjoy them.
I also have a much healthier relationship with exercise now. Unlike 12 months ago when I would have been incredibely anxious about walking any less then my usual amount, now it doesnt bother me. For example both yesterday and the day before I only took my dog for one walk instead of two as I usually would as I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend. And today I barely went for a walk at all as it started to rain just as I left my house.
I really enjoy being active and being fit and healthy but at the same time exercising less then usual doesnt cause me any worry or concern as it ince would have. 12 months ago, walking a certain distance each day was a priority for me. Now however, I have other priorities that are more important to me like my boyfriend, my health and my hapiness.
12 months ago I was on medication for my anxiety and also medication for my skin. Now I dont feel as though i need any of these medications so don't take them. Since reaching a gealthy weight and nourishing my body and mind I feel as though I think so much more rationally and clearly. My skin is also so much clearer due to me stressing less and eating so much better.
12 months ago I suffered from insomnia and was therefore exhausted all the time and trying to function daily on almost no sleep. Now I honestly believe that the insomnia was simply die to me refusing to give my body the amount of food it truly needed and deserved. Now I have no trouble sleeping and can actually sleep in some days which is something I could never do.
I wanted to share how things have changed for me over the last year so that you can all see that it is possible to recover. Its not easy... in fact its probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. It was for me anyway. But please trust me when I say it is so worth it. Recovering may be the hardest thing you ever do but it is also the most wonderful. Because the life you have at the end of it is worth every bit of pain and anxiety. So please, keep fighting with all you've got. Believe in yourselves like I did and you could be where I am today in 12 months time!
For starters, back then I was underweight with an extremely unhealthy bmi of only 14. Now however, my bmi is 19 which puts me within the healthy bmi range. I know that I am still thin but am just happy that I am a healthy weight for my height. I have quite a petite frame and my siblings and parents are all thin so as long as my mind stays healthy I am happy with my current weight and have no desire to change my weight.
A year ago, if someone had asked me if I liked my body or the way I looked, I would have said definetely not. But now, I can honestly say that i dont mind my body and how I look. I know that I am healthy and that is the most important thing!
This past weekend I have been out to a restaurant for two different meals as well as eating lunch at a bakery. Eating out like this was aomething that I would have found terrifying 12 months ago and would have avoided at all costs. Now however I love going out for meals, especially with my boyfriend.
I also went for tea at my parents house and ate tea which was prepared for me by my mum which is something I refused to do 12 months ago. The reason this terrified me so much back then was because I hated eating an unknown number of calories.
Now, although I do still keep a rough track of how much i eat most days (mainly because I seem to undereat if i dont), knowing exactly how many calories I eat really doesn't matter to me anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that its ok to eat more sometimes and that a little extra food wont hurt me or make me instantly gain heaps of weight.
I am also comfortable drinking alcohol when i got out with my boyfriend and friends which is something I never would have done. I no longer have a fear of consumimg liquid calories and find a lot of enjoyment in being sociable anddrinking with friends. I also drink things like hot chocolate or juice, which i would have considered to be a waste of calories, 12 months ago, sinply because I feel like them and enjoy them.
I also have a much healthier relationship with exercise now. Unlike 12 months ago when I would have been incredibely anxious about walking any less then my usual amount, now it doesnt bother me. For example both yesterday and the day before I only took my dog for one walk instead of two as I usually would as I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend. And today I barely went for a walk at all as it started to rain just as I left my house.
I really enjoy being active and being fit and healthy but at the same time exercising less then usual doesnt cause me any worry or concern as it ince would have. 12 months ago, walking a certain distance each day was a priority for me. Now however, I have other priorities that are more important to me like my boyfriend, my health and my hapiness.
12 months ago I was on medication for my anxiety and also medication for my skin. Now I dont feel as though i need any of these medications so don't take them. Since reaching a gealthy weight and nourishing my body and mind I feel as though I think so much more rationally and clearly. My skin is also so much clearer due to me stressing less and eating so much better.
12 months ago I suffered from insomnia and was therefore exhausted all the time and trying to function daily on almost no sleep. Now I honestly believe that the insomnia was simply die to me refusing to give my body the amount of food it truly needed and deserved. Now I have no trouble sleeping and can actually sleep in some days which is something I could never do.
I wanted to share how things have changed for me over the last year so that you can all see that it is possible to recover. Its not easy... in fact its probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. It was for me anyway. But please trust me when I say it is so worth it. Recovering may be the hardest thing you ever do but it is also the most wonderful. Because the life you have at the end of it is worth every bit of pain and anxiety. So please, keep fighting with all you've got. Believe in yourselves like I did and you could be where I am today in 12 months time!
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| Me and my boyfriend, who is without a doubt the most wonderful thing that has come out of my recovery |
Sunday, 6 March 2016
Making big changes
In the last few months, I have been thinking a lot about my life at the moment and the future. While doing this I came to the realisation that if I want to stay with my boyfriend, then one of us were going to have to make a move as we live 3 hours apart. So since I definetely want to stay with my boyfriend and miss him A LOT when we are apart, I have decided to move to Launceston with him, which is a city an hour and a half away.
My plan is to work for the year and save some money before possibly going back to university next year. My boyfriends parents own a house in Launceston that we will be living in and my boyfriend plans to continue working in his current job but travel about an hour to get there each day and then another hour to get back. I feel bad that he will have to do so much travelling but also quite honoured that he loves and cares about me enough so that he is willing to travel.
It has been a big decision, to leave my life, job and family behind in Swansea but I am excited for what the future holds. I have decided to make the move up to Launceston over the easter period and honestly cant wait. Although I am not looking forward to actually packing up all my house and cleaning it from top to bottom at all.
Some people have expressed their concern about me giving up my job and moving away to live with someone who I have been with for less then 6 months, but I honestly feel in my heart that it is the best thing to do. Ever since getting sick I have realised that all that truly matters in life is being happy and my boyfriend makes me incredibely happy. So I'm not going to pass up on the opportunity to be with the one person who makes me truly happy out of fear that something could go wrong.
My plan is to work for the year and save some money before possibly going back to university next year. My boyfriends parents own a house in Launceston that we will be living in and my boyfriend plans to continue working in his current job but travel about an hour to get there each day and then another hour to get back. I feel bad that he will have to do so much travelling but also quite honoured that he loves and cares about me enough so that he is willing to travel.
It has been a big decision, to leave my life, job and family behind in Swansea but I am excited for what the future holds. I have decided to make the move up to Launceston over the easter period and honestly cant wait. Although I am not looking forward to actually packing up all my house and cleaning it from top to bottom at all.
Some people have expressed their concern about me giving up my job and moving away to live with someone who I have been with for less then 6 months, but I honestly feel in my heart that it is the best thing to do. Ever since getting sick I have realised that all that truly matters in life is being happy and my boyfriend makes me incredibely happy. So I'm not going to pass up on the opportunity to be with the one person who makes me truly happy out of fear that something could go wrong.
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