Home to Swansea

After not being home to see my family since christmas, I really enjoyed travelling home to Swansea for the weekend with my boyfriend. Things have not been great for my family over the last few months and even though the issues are still ongoing, it was still nice to go home and see everyone. Now that I have my own life in Launceston, it would be so easy to just completely distance myself from my family and all their problems back in Swansea but that wouldnt be fair on my little sister and dad. I love them so much and want to be there for them to help them through any difficulties they may face. So my boyfriend and I started the 1.5 hour drive to Swansea when he finished work on Friday afternoon and we arrived at my family home at about 6:30pm. Unfortunately my dad was away for the weekend but it was still great to see my sister. My sister Amy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and despite the 6 year age gap between us, we get along incredibely well. 

On Saturday morning my mum and I went for a walk on our farm and had a very close encounter with a 6 foot long tiger snake. By the time we saw the snake, we were only a single step away from it and it obviously felt threatened by us as it reared its head and striked at us. Luckily we both jumped back at that exact moment so the snakes head (and fangs) just missed us. If the snake had tried to bite us a second time it would have bitten one of us for sure as we were simply too close and couldnt get away. Thank goodness it decided to slither off instead leaving us full if adrenalin but unharmed. We then drove into Swansea to visit my nan before meeting my herbalife coach Phoebe for lunch. I had my all time favourite meal (which I hadnt had for ages) caeser salad and it was so yummy! We then visited my other nan and went out for tea with my mum. For tea I had Spaghetti bolognaise with a side of vegetables which was ok but not as nice as lunch. I loooove pasta but prefer tomato or chicken based pastas, rather then mince. I still ate it all though, to everyone elses surprise as it was huuuuge! 

I took my mum home after tea but then went back into town with my boyfriend Nathan. I wasnt drinking alcohol like I usually do when we go out in Swansea as I had to drive home but my boyfriend was and we had heaps of fun playing 8 ball (pool). We also chatted with my uncle, aunt and cousin for an hour or two which was really nice. When we got home that night my brother Luke was there so it was really nice to see him. The following morning nathan, Amy and I headed into Swansea with two of our puppies to go for a nice walk on the beach. We had running races on the beach and just enjoyed the sunshine and scenery. We started the drive back to Launceston at about 2pm and were back home by about 4. Overall it was a really nice weekend and I am looking forward to heading back to Swansea one weekend soon, but when my dad is home so we can spend some time with him too.

This is the type of snake we ran into 

My gorgeous sister and myself

My boyfriend nathan and me

Nathan, cassie the puppy and me

sunbaking with my sister

Today I took my sister to the river. We intended to swim but just sat by the water listening to music and chatting instead which was still nice. Even though it was sunny, there was a cool breeze which meant that it wasnt really warm enough for swimming. By the time we got home though, the cold breeze dropped out so it was really warm. I decided to make the most of the sun and laid outside on the sun lounge in my bikinis.

It felt strange putting my bikinis on as the last time I wore those same bikinis, I was about 12 kilos lighter so I obviously looked very different. I didnt hate the way I looked though and even though it was just Amy and I, I felt comfortable enough to take some pictures and just be myself. I know that I dont look super skinny in my bikini anymore but I do look healthy and I honestly think that is even better! :)

Sisterly love

Soaking up the sun

Enjoying an icecream for afternoon tea while reading my book

Looking slightly burnt

An afternoon with Amy

I have had a really nice afternoon with my gorgeous sister. I walked to her school to pick her up at the end of the school day and then we walked to the shop to get icecream. I tried one of the Peanut butter magnum icecreams and Amy had a rainbow icecream in a cone. I had never tried peanut butter icecream before but I really loved it and will definetely have it again.

After our icecreams we headed back to my place where we are hanging out now, waiting before it is time to go to Amy's talent show. At first we listened to some new music that I downloaded this morning and now we are watching pretty little liars. 

I also just made myself some tea (pasta and vegetables) so all I have to do when I get home is reheat it and my tea will be ready. Preparing meals and planning meals ahead of time is something that I highly reccommend doing, especially if you are busy. I find this really helpful as it allows me to make sure that I always eat enough and to make sure that I never skip any meals. :) 

What I love about spring

I am so glad that it is finally spring as it has already started to warm up a little bit. I have always loved spring so much, probably because I have always lived on a farm and in my opinion spring is the best time to be living on a farm. I love having lots of baby farm animals around as well as baby wild life too. We have lots of lambs at home at the moment however unfortnatlly I havent had a chance to go and check on them with my dad like I usually do. We also have some wild deer living on our farm at the moment which will have baby fawns soon so they will be a beautiful sight for sure.

A few pictures from last springg

Looking after lambing ewes really is a full time job as it is quite common for lambs to get stuck and for the ewes to be unable to deliver their lambs naturally. So when that happens we have to go and pull the lambs out. Sometimes the ewes die so we have to look after the lambs ourselves and other times the ewes are incredibely weak so we have to take them back to a shed wheer we can nurse them back to health. We have always loved botttle rareing lambs and also calves and feel as though it was a good thing to do as a child as it taught me a great deal of responsibility.

Amy with a coule of our baby lambs over the years

It is quite warm each morning when I walk Tess however by lunch time it is always back to being cold and windy. I love getting out in the fresh air to walk Tess of a morning and I feel as though it makes me feel incredibely energized for the rest of the day. And of course Tess really enjoys it too! Tess is such a good girl when we go out walking that I don't even have to walk her on a lead. She just trots along 5 or 10 metres in front of me the whole way. All I have to do is ask her to wait and she does. Considering I never actually traied her to do this, I am so lucky that she is so well bahaved.

While I love spring, I prefer the teperature in Summer. I am really hopeful that we have a good summer this year with lots of hot weather. After the expecally cold winnter we have had, I think we deserve a nice and hot Summer! What is your favourite season? What is the weather like in your part of the world at the moment?

Enjoying the weekend so far

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night so have been feeling a little tired today but I have still had a good day.  I woke up at around 4:00 am and couldn't sleep as I was really hungry so I got up and got myself a bowl of cheerio's. Once I ate those I was feeling more satisfied so fell asleep again on the couch whilst watching tv. I woke up again at 6:00 am and had the second half of my breakfast which was crunchy almond butter on toast.

It was a gorgeous morning so I really enjoyed my walk with Tess. Amy was at my house as she slept at my place last night but I couldn't get her to come for a walk with me so she stayed home and watched tv. It was nice to be able to take Tess for a bit longer walk then I usually do as I didn't have to leave early to go to work. I didn't decide before I left that I was going to go for a long walk, I only decided once I was walking as I was enjoying it so much.

I drove my little sister to her Dance lesson this morning which I was a bit anxious about. Driving myself anywhere is one thing but I am even more anxious about driving since my accident with anyone else in the car. I suppose that this is just because I have always worried about hurting others more than I worry about hurting myself. On eof the things I was most grateful for after my accident was that amy was not in the car with me as she quite often is.

Amy assured me that she wasn't scared though so that really helped as it gave me a little more confidence whilst driving. It means a lot that she trusts me so much despite my recent accident. I drove really carefully and got both of us there in one piece which was a relief. I really enjoyed watching Amy do her dancing and am looking forward to seeing their dance concert at the end of this year. 

Since getting home, Amy and I took Tess for a short walk to the beach and we also visited my nan as well as our little cousins. My uncle also came to my house to visit us which is really nice as we are extremely close to him. Because my dad never knew his father, my uncle has always been a bit like a dad to him and he therefore has been more like a grandfather to us. Growing up we saw him basically every day and he still visits my dad at our family home atleast once a day.

Amy and I are just about to have some tea before we head to my cousins placce where I am babysitting. And then Amy is staying the night at my house again. I will have to take her home quite early tomorrow morning thoough as I have quite a bit of studying to do for my trainee assesment on Monday and I also want to have a bit of a rest before I start a new week of work. Iam working next weekend too so it will be a busy few weeks for me.

I hope that everyone is having a great weekend! Does anyone have anything interesting happening? :) x

Good morning

Finally Friday morning is here which means that the weekend is just around the corner. I am feeling happy and positive this morning, even if I do feel a little sick after the breakfast I just ate. For breakfast I had a huge bowl of chocolate oats which was really nice but super rich and filling. I haven't eaten chocolate oats for like 12 months as I had basically forgotten about it until I saw a photo of chocolate oats on another persons blog a few days ago. I think I will have it again in the future however I will just have a smaller portion and have toast as well, so I dont end up feeling this full and uncomfortable.

To make my Chocolate Oats I used 80g of oats, 15g of pure cocoa powder, 50g of sweetner as well as 1 and a half cups of milk. I then cooked it in the microwave until it thickened. It seemed to go really gluggy so I added some cold water to it as well once it had finished cooking which improved its consistency and also cooled it down so I could eat it straight away.   

I slept until 6am this morning, for the secong morning in a row which I hope means that my sleeping pattern is starting to normalise. After years of getting up at 5am or earlier it has been a hard routine to break but I really hope that I can continue sleeping later like this. Atleast then I can manage to stay awake later then 8pm. ;) Tonight after work at the bank I am going to babysit for someone (from 6:30 until 11:30), so I will have to stay awake quite late which I will probably struggle with, especially after a llong day at work today. But luckily I have all of tomorrow to rest and recover as it will be Saturday and I don't have to work this weekend. 

On Sunday I am going to Hobart with my dad ad sister as my sister is competing with her school in the cheerleading championships. Cheerleading is not traditionally a big sport in Australia but it is just starting to get bigger now. My sister is really good at all of the tricks (like forwards and backwards walkovers) so gets to do those throughout the routine. I havent told her as I know she would be devastated but I doubt she will bbe able to do tthose types of tricks in a few years time because she also has ligamentous laxity and dislocating joints like me. She really wants to do gymnastics in high school but I dont think her body wil cope with it at all. Afterall, I couldn't even keep up my competitive swimming which is much less sressful on the body then gymnastics or cheerleading is.

I better start getting ready for work. I still have to iron my uniform which takes me forever as I am really bad at ironing and hate it, walk Tess, cut my lunch and drive to Bicheno. I hope that everybody has a fantastic day. :)

 

Day 18: A photograph of yourself

This is a poto of Amy and I at the beach a few years ago. This was my profile picture for a year or so on facebook. I like this picture as we both look so genuinely happy.

Spending time with my sister

As always Amy and I have had a really nice afternoon together. We went for a walk on the beach with Tess, visited my nan, played Nancy Drew, Watched Glee, lisened to Kieth Urban and made Pizzas! At the moment we are just waiting for Night in The Museum 2 to come on TV. We watched the first one last Saturday night and really enjoyed it so were happy when we realised the second one was on tonight. I hope that everyone is having a fantasic weekend!<3 xx

We had pizza for Tea which was super yummy! We had a whole pizza each and Amy was very proud when she finished before me as I always finish first ;)

I only just got out of the shower before we ate tea which is why my hair is so crazy 

After Tea Amy taught Tess a new trick. Tess now knows how to shake hands :)

I love both of my girls (Amy and Tess) so much <3

Glad it's the weekend

I love the weekends. Especially now that I am no longer studying. I remember when I was at college and university even on the weekend I never gave myself a real break. As I felt so guilty for not spending every moment studying. That is what I love the most about working and no longer studying. I feel as though when I finish at work each day I can just come home and forget bout what is going on at work.

I got to the stage before I stopped studying that I was completely miserable. I was just spending every minute of everyday studying as otherwise I would feel incredibely guilty. I think that it was my perfectionism that made me do this and I guess that it made me feel better if I felt as though I was in complette control of my academic performance, just as I have doen with my food intake and weight.

So I guess that has made me appreciate days off and truly being able to relax so much more now, which is why I love the weekends so much. I have Amy again this weekend but that is ok as she really is no trouble. And ortunately she doesn't mind just relaxing as well. In fact it is usually me trying to drag her out of the house to go for walks or do anything as she just wants to stay in, play on her ipad and watch tv.

We dont really have any plans but I am sure we will think of something to do. It is supposed to be really cold over the weekend owever I cant really see how it could get much colder then it already has been. Over the weekend I need to get a fair bit of housework done like vacuuming, clothes washing and tidying the house but I don't reallly mind. I actually dont mind doing housework and cleaning that much, in fact sometimes I actually enjoy it.

Over the weekend I would also like to bake muffns and bake some puddings. And of course I will take Tess for some nice walks, perhaps even a run at some stage. On Sunday night Iam going out for tea with my family and my dads boss and his family. I am actually strangely looking forward to it. Does anyone else have any exciting plans for the weekend? I hope that you all have a nice chance to rest and relax! :) x

My day

Considering how down I was feeling last night, overall I have had a really good day. This morning I just relaxed which I felt as though I really needed. I took Tess for a walk arond waterloo point which is a walking track by the ocean. I used to walk there every single day however I havent done it for a month or more, ever since I have been walking for only short distances.

After relaxing for most of the day, I headed up to my family home to visit everyone however only Amy and mum were home. I could see that my mum was really upset so I tried to talk to her which I think went quite well. I am no longer feeling angry towards her, but instead just very sorry for her. I know that she is battling an awful illness and understand the complete desperation she is feeling.

I so wish that I could somehow help her but I really don't think I can, which really upsets me. Afterall, I really just want her to get better. Today my mum told me about a conversation she had with Luke, my younger brother last weekend and I think that some of the things he said to her were really special.

Firstly, he told my mum that she was an incrediely wonderful mum when we were really little kids, and that he just wanted her to be the same kind of mum to Amy, while she is still little. I think it is so important that Luke said this as he is so right. I had almost forgotten how wonderful mum was to us when we were young children, when really I shouldn't have.

The other thing he said to my mum truly touched my heart. He said, 'Mum anything is possible, just look at Karly. We never thought she was going to get better and look at her now.' Hearing mum repeat those word to me made me feel so happy and wonderful. After feeling self conscious at various times today, none of that mattered to me anymore. Who cares if my bum was getting bigger, my little brother could see the progress I had made and believed in me.

When mum and I went back inside to where Amy was, Amy asked mum if she could stay the night at my house. I was worried about how mum would react but she was ok with it and said that she could come and stay as long as she was back home early tomorrow morning. Amy and I waited at home with mum until Dad and Luke got home and then we left after spending a little time with them.

When we got back to my place Tess was eagerly waiting outside for us and she was happy to see I had Amy with me. Amy and I didn't get hom until quite late so we both just had soup with fresh bread for tea. Now we are both watching Night at the Museum which is a movie I quite like, but that Amy has never seen. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

Another busy day today

Today is going to be another long and busy day. At about 6:30 am (in 1.5 hours)  I have to start driving to Launceston as I have yet another training day today. This one will go even longer than the last one though. This one goes from 9am to 5pm so it will be a long 2 hour trip back home for me tonight travelling in the dark and the cold.

I hate travelling at night as there is always the risk of wildlife running out in front of your car and doing damage to your car. I will also be driving some of the way in the dark this morning but I am hoping that the road wont be icy and slippery as it was a really windy night last night and ice only usually settles on the road when it is still.  

I feel as though I am in desperate need of a rest. I am on my 7th working day straight today and tomorrow will be day 8th working day without a rest. I am so looking forward to this weekend and plan to do as little as possible. Lots of episodes of heart of dixie will be watched and I will also try and get lots of blog posts written.

Something that amazes me is how fast some other people seem to be able to write blog posts. They seem to take me anywhere up to an hour or so to put a post together which is why it can be difficult to write as many posts as I would like to, especially when I am working all the time.

I like to write atleast 3 blog posts per day so it will be good if I write some extra blog posts this weekend to use throughout my work week when I don't have as much time to write. Please feel free to share any tips or hints about how you manage to fit blogging into your busy lives if you have your own blog :)

I had planned a relaxing weekend in with Amy this weekend however my mum said that Amy wasn't allowed to come to my house this weekend for the night which is really annoying. I don't know exactly why mum doesnt want Amy to come to my house but I do know that mum does not have Amy's best interests at heart.

Amy has asked to come to my house as she knows that at my house she gets a real break from everything that is going on att home and I think that for mum to deny her of this for her own sellfish reasons is wrong. I will make sure I go and atleast visit Amy and get her out of the house for a while, even if she cant come for the night.

I am feeling a little nervous about driving in the city agan, especially since it will most likely be dark by the time I leave tonight however I know I just need to keep calm and BREATHE. I know I can do it. I have done it before and I can do it again. I just need to believe in myself. Have a great day everyone :) x

Todays To do list

~Take Tess for 2 walks

~Go grocery shopping

~Visit my nan at the hospital who is recovering from an operation

~Cook some butterscotch puddings

~Buy fuel and mow my lawns

~Do some more washing

~Take Amy home

~Cook myself a nice tea

~Make banana muffins

~Clean my house

Pizza Time

My Pizza with Tomato paste, mozzerella cheese, capsicum, onion, tomato and ham

Amy eating her pizza which had tomato paste, cheese, pineapple, onion and ham 

We both finished our whole pizza and agreed they were delicious! :)

Feeling happy

The last few days I have been feeling quite strong and happy which has been really nice. Times like these, when everything seems easier can be quite rare in recovery, so I like to make the most of them while I can. My anxiety seems to be relatively good at the moment in all aspects of my life. I have been coping with my continued weight gain ok and I am also finally starting to feel more confident at work and am not doubting myself so much.

The only thing I can think of that could explain this is that my mind is really starting to recover. It can be hard in recovery for a while, as your body always seems to be ahead of your mind in recovery, which means that your unhealthy mind has to deal with your body getting healthier (which is extremely difficult). I think it would be so much easier if it happened the other way around!

I have a long day working at the bank today but then I have the weekend off. I am going to Hobart on Saturday with my mum as I have LOTS of things I need. I am starting to grow out of most of my clothes so need to get some more, for when they are completely too small. I also want to buy some groceries that are way too expensive or unavailable in the town I live in, new sport shoes and a vacuum cleaner, as I currently have to borrow my nans, everytime I want to vacuum my floor.

This will be the first time in a long time that I can go shopping and not have to put everything back because it doesnt fit at all, or worse still have to go shopping in the childrens section. I still have very mixed feelings about it though. It has been hard, seeing my clothes get tighter and tighter but I know that this just means I am getting healthier. I try not to see this as me getting too big for my clothes, but instead that my clothes are getting too small for me. My clothes are the problem, not my body. This is a great excuse to spoil myself and buy some nice new clothes anyway.

Amy has asked to come and spend the day with me Sunday too. I will have to try and think of something interesting for us to do as we always just seem to stay home and do nothing when she comes. But she obviously enjoys it as she always wants to come, whenever she can. I think she just enjoys spending time with me though, as we get along so well. I am very grateful to be so close to my sister as I know I havent always been there for her to give her the time and patience she deserved when I was really sick. I am so lucky that she has stood by me regardless if this and is still so proud to call me her sister.

Facing a fear food

I had half of my afternoon tea (an apple and an orange juice) before picking up Amy from school and then we went and got icecreams from the shop. I wanted to treat Amy to an icecream because she went to a cross country running carnival today that she did really well in and knew she would be dissapointed if I didnt have one with her. She got a rainbow swirl icecream in a waffle cone and I chose a particular icecream I have been wanting to try for years.

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to try the strawberry and white chocolate crumble magnum but have always been far too frightening for me. I have always loved Magnum Icecreams but this particular flavour has only been released since I developed anorexia. It was extremely delicous and eating it with my gorgeous sister made it an even more enjoyable.

I am so glad that I have finally mustered the courage to try this icecream and I am sure that it is just the first of many of these icecreams that I will eat. I know its hard, but facing your fear foods is a vital part of recovery and something that will get you closer to becoming recovered. The first few times you eat a fear food it may be hard, but if you are brave enough to push through this anxiety or fear, eventually eating that food won't seem scary at all.  

My weight gain so far

Today has been an ok day considering my anorexic thoughts have been quite strong and this is because I spent it with my gorgeous little sister. I love spending time with Amy as she has the ability to cheer me up and distract me from any anorexic thoughts I may be having. So even though I felt more self conscious about how my body is changing today then I have in a long time, I also laughed more than I have in a long time as well, which I am grateful for.

These pictures are of Amy playing outside in the gale force winds we had today. She almost got blown away.

I have been pleasantly surprised by how well I have dealt with my weight gain in my recovery so far and I honestly think that this is just because my mind has recovered as I gained the weight. Because I had such a distorted body image when I was at my sickest, I actually saw myself very similarily to what I now see myself, with my less distorted body image. Of course my Anorexia was still angry whenever I got on the scales and saw I had gained weight, but the weight gain hasnt been anywhere near as obvious to me as I thought it would be, when I look at my body.

Up until now, I havent actually felt that much bigger then I always have, even though I have gained almost 8 kilograms from my lowest weight. Now however I am starting to notice differences in my body and it is really hard. I need to get used to the fact that I am not always going to be the skinniest girl in the room anymore and that I may need to buy an item of clothing, not necessarily in its smallest size. I know that these things do not say anything about who I am as a person and there are much more important things in life that I should be focusing on, but it is still going to be difficult to adjust to my changing body.

Even though I am starting to feel quite self conscious about my weight gain, I am determined to keep gaining weight until I am sure I am properly weight restored. When I first started my recovery, I had the goal of getting to a bmi of 18 which I have practically reached now. My anorexia would love me to stop gaining weight now, which is exactly why I know I need to keep eating recovery amounts. Deep down I know that I havent nourished my body and mind for the amount of time it needs in order to properly heal. I could stop my recovery now but this would mean that I would remain in a half recovered state, which is not something I want at all. I am determined to fully recover and refuse to settle for anything less.