My weight gain so far

Today has been an ok day considering my anorexic thoughts have been quite strong and this is because I spent it with my gorgeous little sister. I love spending time with Amy as she has the ability to cheer me up and distract me from any anorexic thoughts I may be having. So even though I felt more self conscious about how my body is changing today then I have in a long time, I also laughed more than I have in a long time as well, which I am grateful for.

These pictures are of Amy playing outside in the gale force winds we had today. She almost got blown away.

I have been pleasantly surprised by how well I have dealt with my weight gain in my recovery so far and I honestly think that this is just because my mind has recovered as I gained the weight. Because I had such a distorted body image when I was at my sickest, I actually saw myself very similarily to what I now see myself, with my less distorted body image. Of course my Anorexia was still angry whenever I got on the scales and saw I had gained weight, but the weight gain hasnt been anywhere near as obvious to me as I thought it would be, when I look at my body.

Up until now, I havent actually felt that much bigger then I always have, even though I have gained almost 8 kilograms from my lowest weight. Now however I am starting to notice differences in my body and it is really hard. I need to get used to the fact that I am not always going to be the skinniest girl in the room anymore and that I may need to buy an item of clothing, not necessarily in its smallest size. I know that these things do not say anything about who I am as a person and there are much more important things in life that I should be focusing on, but it is still going to be difficult to adjust to my changing body.

Even though I am starting to feel quite self conscious about my weight gain, I am determined to keep gaining weight until I am sure I am properly weight restored. When I first started my recovery, I had the goal of getting to a bmi of 18 which I have practically reached now. My anorexia would love me to stop gaining weight now, which is exactly why I know I need to keep eating recovery amounts. Deep down I know that I havent nourished my body and mind for the amount of time it needs in order to properly heal. I could stop my recovery now but this would mean that I would remain in a half recovered state, which is not something I want at all. I am determined to fully recover and refuse to settle for anything less.