Recovery is hard for everyone

The truth is, after seeing that I weighed significantly less yesterday morning then I did at my previous weigh in, I still was not convinced I had lost weight. When I had to decide how I would add more calories to my meal plan, lots of ideas came to my mind but I was deterred from many of them as I believed  they would add too many calories, considering 'I most likely hadnt even lost weight.' 

I decided to make the small change from a medium piece of fresh fruit to dried fruit for my afternoon Tea but deep down I knew that this change was not significant enough. Deep down I knew that the my anorexia had influenced my decision about what change I should make and all day the guilt ate away at me. 

I felt as though I had given into my anorexia which is something I havent knowingly done for a very long time, by believing it when it told me I hadnt really gained weight and by only making a very small change. I felt as though I had let myself and my readers down. Last night I realised that it wasnt too late to fight my anorexia and that is exactly what I did.

Firstly I accepted the fact that I had failed to gain weight, infact I had lost it and therefore had to increase my calorie intake so that I could continue gaining weight. I thought about the ways the extra energy would allow my body to repair and recover faster and more efficiently. By then I didnt just feel as though I needed to increase my calories further, I actually wanted to increase my calories further. I then thought about some other changes I could make. 

In the end I decided to still have the dried fruit instead of the less calorie dense fresh fruit but I would have a bigger portion of it. I also decided to add some milk to my hot chocolate. These flavoured hot chocolates are designed to just have water added to them but last night, instead of adding boiling water and topping it up with cold water, I added boiling water and then topped it up with cold milk. Another small change I made was I have started making my morning oats with just milk, instead of some milk and some water which is what I have been previously doing.

While I was dissapointed in myself for temporarily giving into my anorexia, I am proud because I recognised what I had done and fixed it. There is no such thing as a perfect recovry. Everybody has ups and down, but as long as the ups outweigh the downs, we will get there in the end.