My weekend

I hope that like myself, you all had a fantastic weekend and that you are all pumped and energised for the week ahead! :) 

On Sunday I had my Herbalife shake party/wellness day which was a truly great day. Now that I have become a senior consult with Herbalife, not only do I get to live the incredible Herba-life-style myself but I can also help others around me to reach their health and wellness goals too. So my wellness day was a bit of an introduction to some people who have shown interest in my Herbalife and an opportunity for them to become my clients. I am so so excited to be coaching and supporting others to become healthier versions of themselves as this is something I am very passionate about. I have already got two new clients and I cant wat to continue to change the lives of more and more people in the future, just as my own life has been changed for the better!

Everyone who came to my shake party

Some of the snacks at my party

HERBALIFE chocolate which I made with cookies and cream shake mix and coconut oil. I even added sultanas and almonds to make a fruit and nut chocolate which was delicious!

My lunch from today; wholegrain toast topped with baby spinach, cherry tomatoes, scrambled eggs and tomato sauce plus vanilla yoghurt with strawberries

My instagram facebook picture post from this morning :) 

Living without regrets

Sometimes I find myself thinking about what my life would have been like if I had never developed my eating disorder or if I was never sick. To say my eating disorder has taken a lot away from me would be an understatement. Not only did it steal so much away from me as soon as I got sick, it literally took years away from my life. 

Even though I often think of all the things I missed out on because of my illness, I know that I wouldn't change a single part of my journey so far, even if I could. Because if everything that has happened in my life so far hadn't happened, then I know I would not be where I am today.

 Of course it would have been great to never have gone through the torture and pain of having an eating dosorder and also recovery. But then I know I wouldn't be as brave and strong as I am today and I would never have learnt to believe in myself and accept myself as I now do. I also wouldn't be able to use my own experiences to help others who are going through similar things to what I have been through.

The main reason I wouldn't change a single thing from my past is because I know I probably would never have met my boyfriend. Nathan is, without a doubt, the love of my life and I know that if anything in my past had been different, then chances are we would never have met and ended up together. So although my journey has been painful, lonely and plain terrible at times, for me being with Nathan now is worth every bit of that. 

Having a boyfriend has really helped me in the final stages of my recovery

While this may not be the case for everyone,  my boyfriend has helped me enormously to overcome the last few stages of recovery. I think that this has been the case for me because he is such a wonderful person who I have developed a very special bond with so quickly. While it has helped me a lot, it is very important to note that having a boyfriend is not necessarily always a positive thing in recovery. This depends not only on what stage of recovery you are at but also the type of person your boyfriend is.

Although I was already weight restored when I met my boyfriend,  my mental state has continued to improve in leaps and bounds. When we began going out for dinner all the time, drinking alcohol  and enjoying food together, I really was still scared of all of those things. But just being with such a wonderful person really did help me to get through all of those things and eventually enjoy them with no fear at all. Now I have completely overcome the fears of eating extra food on some occasions and also eating out and consuming liquid calories. In fact, I now enjoy doing all of these things!

The fact that my weight has remained constant since I have started going out and eating more sometimes, has really proven to me that its perfectly fine to eat more sometimes and that doing this won't hurt me. No matter how many times I read or was told this was the case, I never truly believed it. Nathan has helped me to really start living and in the process has helped prove to me that eating extra doesnt necessarily lead to weight gain and is not a bad thing. It has also shown me that missing meals sometimes wont hurt me either. I know now that our bodies are not calorie counting machines and our energy requirements are not an exact science.

Having someone who loves and accepts me completely for who I really am really has helped me to accept myself too. I really do think that my low self esteem and poor confidence is what caused my eating disorder in the first place and it was also preventing me from making a full  recovery. For a long time I knew that learning to accept myself was an essential part of my recovery and I was right, because it is only through learning to respect and appreciate myself for who I truly am have I been able to overcome the final few stages of recovery.

Occasionaly, I still have moments when I wish to be thinner or am not completely satisfied with how I look but I think that this is all just a normal part of being a girl and I never act on these thoughts. The main reason being that I know my boyfriend likes me just the way I am and there is therefore no reason to change. Also, I know that if I got sick again I would hurt my boyfriend and possibly lose him, which are two things I couldn't bare to do. So not only has my boyfriend helped me to make recovery progress, but it has also stopped me from slipping backwards in my recovery too.

realising what truly matters

As I was walking Tess yesterday morning I was looking at my phone (I know, stupid idea) and almost tripped on a piece of cement. Luckily I stopped myself from falling but unfortunately I dropped my phone. My phone was laying face down so I was almost too frightened to pick it up as I was frightened it may be broken. When I did pick it up my fears were realised and I could see that the whole screen had shattered.

My first thought was 'Oh crap' but then I realised that it was only a phone and it stil worked so it really wasn't a big deal. In my opinion, one of the only good things that have come through me having anorexia as well as overcoming it is that it has made me realise what is truly important in life. I mean at the end of the day, who cares if your phone screen is cracked. Being happy and healthy really is all that matters!

I now think the same way about things like going to uni and getting a degree. I mean sure, if that is what you ttruky want to do, well go for it! But if you are like me and can't healthily study, then DONT. Getting a degree really isnt worth being unhappy or unhealthy for. Now that I have left university I have been able to recover from my eating disorder and I am the happuiest I have ever been in my life and that s what truly matters.

I mean as I sit hear, thinking about the things that truly matter in life, I can see that I am incredibely lucky and blessed.

• I have two jobs that may not be impressive or high paying, but I enjoy them and am able to be financially independent due to them. 
• I have a beautiful dog who I love taking for walks and who I would be absolutely lost without. 
• I have a wonderful family, who are all so proud of me for fighting my anorexia and beating it and who I know are always here for me, if ever I need them. 
• I may not have heaps of good friends, but the ones I have are truly amazing! 

after being so sick, i have come to realise that every day really is a gift and that i shouldnt spend time worrying about silly little things. I should just be happy for everything and everyone I have in my life, because my life really is wonderful <3 

How guys can affect our eating disorders

I feel as though a very important point to make is that we should not ever let guys affect how we feel about ourselves. The year that I first started to try to lose weight was the year that I really liked a boy but things didn't work out between us. Looking back now, I know that the reason things didn't work out between us had nothing at all to do with my weight or how I looked but at the time, I thought that losing weight may somehow solve the problem and make the boy like me.

I haven't really mentioned anything on my blog about this yet but I am currently chatting a lot to a guy ALOT who I really like and I know he really likes me too. We are both really open about how we feel about one another but even still, because he currently is seeing someone else we cant be together. This time around however I have not made he mistake of blaming the way I look or my body for things not working out between us.

I know that this has nothing at all to do with the reason why things have not worked out between me and this particular guy and I know that losing weight will not solve any problem. I adamently believe that we should never try to change our bodies or the way we look for any guy. In my opinion if a guy doesn't like us exactly the way we are, then they dont deserve to have us in their lives at all. Never again will I try to change how I look for any guy and as long as I am happy with how I look, that is all that matters! 

I felt as though looing weight would make me more popular and liked by boys but this was definetely not the case at all. I really hope that what i m about to say does not make me soound arrogant because I ddot mean to ssound that way at all, but I can honestly say that boys have shown a lot more interest in me again since I have become healthy. I can now see that there is nothing attractive about being underweight at all and that boys will like you a lot more if you are a healthy weight :) 

I know that this post is a bit random but it is just something I felt was worth mentioning. :)

Why recovery is worth it

Sometimes, you may find yourself wondering whether recovery is worth it or not. I know that I sometimes have these types of thoughts anyway. It is so easy to feel this way because recovery is such a long and difficult process and it really is painful too. But then there are other times that remind us exactly why we chose recovery, even though it is painful and not the easiest option.

Today I suggested to my little sister that we go and get a icecream from the shop when I picked her up from school. Amy picked out one of the chocoate cookie crumble icecreams and I walked straight over  to the other side of the freezer, where the lower calorie icecreams were. I couldn't decide what sort of icecream I was going to getand I couuld tell Amy was getting impatient.

Amy knew I wanted to try the new flavour of Magnum icecream so asked me why I wasn't trying it too. When Amy asked me this question it became so obvious that my anorexia was the only thing stoppping me from getting the icecream I really wanted. So at that moment I reached my hand into the freezer and pulled out one of the magnums and proudly replied to her 'I am!'

Amy and I sat outside of the shop, Happily enjoying our icecreams while we chatted and laughed together. I was so happy to be there with Amy and eating such a delicious icecream (we decided it is the best flavour of Magnum) that I forgot all about feeling guilty or anxious. This is just one example of many wonderful little moments that remind me of what I am fighting for and make me think, 'yes, recovery is definetely worth it.'

I love my life

For the first time for as long as I can remember, I feel completely happy and thankful for the life that I have. I love my family, I love where I live and I love my job. I simply love my life. My life still isn't perfect of course, but I think I have finally given up on the unrealistic expectation of having a perfect life. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life and I have realised that you dont need to have a perfect life to be happy anyway.

For so long I have been unhappy, even before I developed anorexia. I guess that is a part of the reason why I developed anorexia in the first place. I was just so unhappy with my life and I felt as though the only way I would ever become happy would be if I managed to change my life. Unfortunately I chose the wrong things to change however as losing a lot of uneccessary weight definitely did not make me any happier, it just made my life more awful.

When I was sick, I was quite angry with everyone and everything in my life but now I am just incredibely thankful for everything. I love how close everyone in our family is and I am so thankful that I get to see them so often. I am so glad that I live in such a beautiful place and that I have my gorgeous dog to keep me company, even when no other people are around. I love living alone in my little unit and being independent but I also love the fact that I know my family will always be here for me, if I ever need them.

Now that I have made so much progress in my recovery, I am also much happier with my life. I love being able to eat yummy foods without feeling so guilty and I also love the fact that I am now able to accept myself at a healthy weight most of the time. Even though it has been a long journey, I am glad that I now truly undertand what is important in life and I think I also have a better understanding now about how to live a healthy life and take care of myself.

Even though I feel as though I have been to hell and back with my eating disorder, I know that it has also shaped me as a person in some positive ways which I am thankful for. I love the fact that I have made such amazing friendships through my blogging. I have also found that through trying to help other people to recover,  haave started to like myself as a person more too. Even though it is hard for me to say this as I feel as though I am programmed to believe that saying anything good about yourself is terrible, I really do like the person who I now am.

How my anorexia has affected my brothers

I have talked a fair bit in posts about how my illness has affected the relationship I have with mum, Dad and sister but I haven't really mentioned how it has seemed to effect my brothers. The truth is, I am not 100% sure about how it has effected them as boys arent really very good about talking about there feelings but I know that it still must have been hard for them at times.

My younger brother Luke was one of the first people who knew that something was wrong and the understanding he had was truly remarkable. While I was starving myself at home before I went into hospital, he never talked to me about what was happening but apparently he spoke to my mum. I was very shocked when he said the following to my mum one day 'Telling Karly to eat is like telling a person with a cold not to sneeze, she cant help it mum.'

Everyone in my family was confused about what I was doing to myself but I couldn't believe that a 15 year old boy could show this kind of insight. Luke came and visited me in hospital a few times and was really nice to me. I didn't feel as though he was angry with me, just concerned. I was living with my dad and Luke when I lost all of the weight and ended up being my lowest weight which I know must have been terribly hard for them. They could see me literally killing myself but knew they couldn't do anything to help me.

Luke never once confronted me about what I was doing to myself, even though I am sure he must have wanted to. Luke did actively do a few things to try and help me though. Firstly, he recognised that my baking was a 'sick behaviour' so stopped eating everything I baked. It must have been hard for a 15 year old boy not to eat the chocolate slices and choc chip cookies I made but I think he thought by eating it he was encouraging my unhealthy behaviours. I was angry at the time but it did the trick as it stopped me from excessively cooking for other people, as I couldn't bare to see the food go to waste.

Luke also found me my baby pademelon wallaby, who I honestly think saved my life. This little guy needed my constant attention and gave me a reason to get up in the mornings. My life no longer only revolved around my anorexia, it also revolved around JoJo. Luke knew that having something to look after would be good for me as he this told me when he bought the joey home. He said, 'I thought it would be something to keep you busy and it would give you something else to think about'.

Looking back I think that Luke handled my anorexia as well as he possibley could have. Even though we aren't incredbely close now, I will never forget how wonderful he was through everything, even though it must have been very hard for him.

My older brother Damian had already left home when I got sick so he hasn't been as exposed to my anorexia as much as the rest of my family have been. Unlike Luke, Damian has not seen the raging arguments I would have with my mum when she confronted me about anything food or anything weight related and he never really saw just how much my anorexia had effected my behaviour, as he wasn't there very often.

I know that Damian was really shocked when my mum told him I had been hospitalised as before that moment he had not even known that I had any issues. Apparently he instantly started panicking about all of the times he had callled me fat, which is something that all of the boys in my family were guity of(you can read about it here). He rang me up whilst I was in hospital and I could tell by the way his voice was trembling that he was extremely nervous as he din't know what to say to me.

The whole time I have been sick, Damian only saw me a few times each month but it must have been hard for him, to see me thinner and sicker looking every time he came home. He never talked to me about my anorexia, only once when he was drunk. He just kept saying over and over agan, 'Karly I dont care what you do as long as you eat, you just need to eat'. I guess the alcohol made him express his frustration and what he truly felt about me and my anorexia, as any other time he was not brave enough to confront me about it.

Not only has my anorexia effected both of my brothers very differently because of how often they were exposed to it, but it has also effected them very differently because they have very diffferent types of personalities. My older brother Damian is a very care free and easy going type of person who generally doesn't let things worry him. So although he may not have liked seeing me so thin for the couple of hours he saw me each week, I dont think he would have spent any other time really thinking about it.

Luke on the other hand is much more up tight and doesn't have the ability to just let things go, so I think that my illness would have had a much bigger impact on him, especially considering how exposed he was to it. Although I am not incredibely close to my brothers, I do not think that our relationships have been hurt too much in the long term through me getting sick which I am very thankful about. I don't know if my brothers have really noticed that I am getting so much better yet, as they don't see me very often, but I am sure that they will soon and when they do I know they will be very happy for me and also proud of me.

 

Sister by chance, Best friend by choice

On holiday in Queemsland last year

My little sister came and spent a few hours with me today as my mum and dad are both working and she is on her school holidays. My little sister, even though she is 9 years younger than me would definetely be my best friend. We have always been extremely close and think the world of one another. I have always tried my absolute hardest to protect her from my anorexia and I honestly believe that I have been quite successful in doing so. Unfortunately there are other things going on at home in my family that I can't completely protect her from.

A few summers ago

Our family is by no means perfect, even when my anorexia is taken out of the picture. I try to give Amy the support she needs to get her through any problems she faces. I feel terrible for what she has been put through so far in her life and know that no little girl should have to deal with what she does. Fortunately I am here to suppoprt her though as when I was a little girl, I didn't have a big sister to look out for me. I didn't have anyone to honestly speak about my concerns with growing up and I feel like bottling up all those thoughts for so many years has contributed to some of my anxiety. I felt terrible moving out of home and leaving Amy their alone but she knows that she is always welcome at my place.

Amy and I 7 years ago

We had a great chat today and I think she was relieved to get some things off her chest that she feels like she cant talk about with anybody else. When she left she thanked me for listening to her and told me that she loves 'our talks' which made me very happy. Even though she is only 12 years old I feel as though she is very mature and this is probably due to what she has been exposed to throughout her child hood. I just hope that It doesn't badly effect her later on in her life. 

Amy is coming to stay with me Saturday night and I plan to have a really fun time with her. Having fun is what life should be all about for a 12 year old girl and that is exactely what she desrves. I am hoping to give her a completely worry free weekend.