Loving life

A lot has happened since last time I posted but I can honestly say I am currently happy and healthy and making the most of my recovered life! Just before Christmas last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. It was so hard  losing Nathan as he  was my best friend and the person I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with however it became evident that we wanted different things in life and unfortunately he just wasn’t capable of loving me as much as I loved him. So I accepted the fact that we needed to part ways and although it was incredibly difficult at the time, I can now see that it was the best thing for me! I moved home to Swansea with my dad and sister which was good timing really as my parents had separated not long before so I basically stepped up and took on the mother  role for my little sister. I also got a job waitressing at the local pub and made a plan to continue my university course from home in Swansea when classes commenced in 2018.

Everybody was so frightened that I would get sick again when I broke up with my boyfriend but I was determined to prove everyone wrong and made sure I continued eating well whether I felt like it or not. It took me months to stop feeling really sad everyday as I missed Nathan so much but it honestly has got so much easier! I have made some amazing friends here in Swansea which made the main difference  and love being home with my dad and sister. I have even mended me and my mums broken relationship and  have myself a new guy friend that I spend a fair bit of time with and care for a lot which has also helped me to move on from Nathan! It seriously would have been so easy to just fall back into bad habits when I was miserable and missing Nathan but I never skipped a meal no matter how terrible I felt and simply didn’t let my anorexia take advantage of my vulnerability. I new I needed to stay healthy and strong so that I could go on to live the life I deserved one day.

I am currently really happy with the relationship I have with food and have even gained a few kilo since moving home which has been good for me (probably due to all the socializing I have been doing which typically involves drinking alcohol and eating out with friends at restaurants)! I have also become relaxed enough around food just to graze on things that are laying around the house without worrying about the calories they contain or how much I have eaten each day. I no longer go to a gym which is something I was doing a lot of before I moved back home to Swansea but I can honestly say I like my body more now then I did before I gained these last few kilos! I feel more womanly and confident in my own body and still manage to stay active between walking my dog around Swansea and also waitrssing which is surprisingly an incredibly active job! I have been managing to balance my home,work, social and uni lives pretty well. 

I did find myself feeling quite rundown and exhausted over the last couple of weeks and I was suffering from quite heavy nose bleeds and headaches. I went to the doctor and had some blood tests which revealed I had become iron deficient and anemic so I had an iron transfusion a couple of days ago and am already starting to feel better! From now on I just need to make more of an effort to eat more red meat and monitor my iron levels to make sure they don’t fall low again. As well as everything else I am already juggling I have just bought a horse and joined a netball team so I am about to be even busier if that is even possible, so I can’t afford to be feeling drained or unwell! I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling strong and positive as I have a bit of uni to catch up on during the day and then have to work tomorrow night. Anyway so better go to sleep now and I just want to remind everyone that no matter how hard recovery may seem, I promise it is worth it! 

Stay strong and keep fighting, 

Karly XX

Home to Swansea

After not being home to see my family since christmas, I really enjoyed travelling home to Swansea for the weekend with my boyfriend. Things have not been great for my family over the last few months and even though the issues are still ongoing, it was still nice to go home and see everyone. Now that I have my own life in Launceston, it would be so easy to just completely distance myself from my family and all their problems back in Swansea but that wouldnt be fair on my little sister and dad. I love them so much and want to be there for them to help them through any difficulties they may face. So my boyfriend and I started the 1.5 hour drive to Swansea when he finished work on Friday afternoon and we arrived at my family home at about 6:30pm. Unfortunately my dad was away for the weekend but it was still great to see my sister. My sister Amy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and despite the 6 year age gap between us, we get along incredibely well. 

On Saturday morning my mum and I went for a walk on our farm and had a very close encounter with a 6 foot long tiger snake. By the time we saw the snake, we were only a single step away from it and it obviously felt threatened by us as it reared its head and striked at us. Luckily we both jumped back at that exact moment so the snakes head (and fangs) just missed us. If the snake had tried to bite us a second time it would have bitten one of us for sure as we were simply too close and couldnt get away. Thank goodness it decided to slither off instead leaving us full if adrenalin but unharmed. We then drove into Swansea to visit my nan before meeting my herbalife coach Phoebe for lunch. I had my all time favourite meal (which I hadnt had for ages) caeser salad and it was so yummy! We then visited my other nan and went out for tea with my mum. For tea I had Spaghetti bolognaise with a side of vegetables which was ok but not as nice as lunch. I loooove pasta but prefer tomato or chicken based pastas, rather then mince. I still ate it all though, to everyone elses surprise as it was huuuuge! 

I took my mum home after tea but then went back into town with my boyfriend Nathan. I wasnt drinking alcohol like I usually do when we go out in Swansea as I had to drive home but my boyfriend was and we had heaps of fun playing 8 ball (pool). We also chatted with my uncle, aunt and cousin for an hour or two which was really nice. When we got home that night my brother Luke was there so it was really nice to see him. The following morning nathan, Amy and I headed into Swansea with two of our puppies to go for a nice walk on the beach. We had running races on the beach and just enjoyed the sunshine and scenery. We started the drive back to Launceston at about 2pm and were back home by about 4. Overall it was a really nice weekend and I am looking forward to heading back to Swansea one weekend soon, but when my dad is home so we can spend some time with him too.

This is the type of snake we ran into 

My gorgeous sister and myself

My boyfriend nathan and me

Nathan, cassie the puppy and me

Narcissist parent

My childhood and teenage years weren't exactly easy and I know that what I went through over this time significantly contributed to my low self esteem as well as the development of my anorexia. At the time I had no idea why my mum was treating me the way she was but now I know that she was treating me differently from my siblings because she was in capable of feeling maternal love towards me. I remember balling my eyes out and asking her why she hated me so much and eventually she stopped denying that she hated me and just admitted that she didnt know why she couldnt love me like she did my siblings. Accepting this was hard and to begin with I tortured myself for year's trying to win her love. All I got from her however was more emotional abuse and neglect.

In the early stages of my eating disorder when I had just started making myself vomit after eating sometimes I remember breaking down and telling my mum what I had been doing. I expected her to take me to the doctor or atleast try to help me through it. All she did however was tell me that "you should stop that"andInever heard another word about it again until I was hospitalised about 4 months later. She hever once asked me if I was ok or if I was still practicing that dangerous behaviour. I asked her later about why she didnt do anything when I told her what I had been doing and she told me she was too busy dealing with my little sister to worry about me too. Also, when I was first hospitalised I remember laying in my hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors and unable to even walk to the toilet and having my mum call me and growl at me for not taking my text books to hospital with me as I would miss out on studying. She wasnt concerned about the fact that my heart was failing or that I was very sick, all she cared bout was me missing out on school.

These are just a few of the signs that my mum didnt have normal maternal feelings towards me. She was also very jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and she felt incredibly threatened if ever my younger sister looked up to me as a mother figure also. Mum was an alcoholic so whenever she got drunk, her true loathing for me really came out. Atleast while she was sober she could try and hide the fact that she didnt care about me the way she did about my 2 brothers and sister.

The reason I am writing this post today is to reach out to anyone else who my have a narcissistic parent. In order for me to recover, I had to cut myself off from my mother all together and had to stop trying to get her to love me the way I always wanted her too. I highly recommend you try to cut your parent off too, if they are a narcissist, or atleast stop trying to win their love. The truth is, your narcissistic parent can not love you unless you are their 'golden child' and as long as you try to get them to, you are only torturing yourself. I have accepted I will never have a mum and that is completely ok. I have so many other wonderful people in my life so I really dont need her, one little bit! And oneday I hope to have a daughter so I can have the mother daughter relationship with her that I never got to have with my own mum.

21 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (Be Concerned if She Has Many of Them)

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/do-i-have-a-narcissistic-mother-21-signs-of-a-narcissistic-mother/

• 1. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This is a defining feature of narcissism. She will steal the spotlight or spoil any occasion if someone else is the center of attention.

• 2. She demeans, criticizes and makes derogatory remarks to you. She always lets you know that she thinks less of you than your siblings or other people.

• 3. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. There is no privacy in your bathroom or bedroom; she regularly goes through your things to find information she then uses against you.
• 4. She ‘favoritizes’. Narcissistic mothers often have one child who is “the golden child” and another who is the scapegoat.
• 5. She undermines She will pick a fight with you or be especially critical and unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort.
• 6. Everything she does is ‘deniable’. Cruelties are couched in loving terms; aggressive acts are paraded as thoughtfulness.
• 7. She makes YOU look crazy. When you confront her with something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (common phrase that abusers use to invalidate your experience of their abuse) or that she has “no idea what you are talking about”.
• 8. She’s jealous. If you get something nice, she’ll take it from you, spoil it for you or get something the same or better for herself.
• 9. She’s a continuous liar. To you, she lies blatantly. To outsiders, she lies thoughtfully and in ways that can always be covered up.
• 10. She manipulates your emotions in order to “feed on your pain”. This behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that they are often referred to as “emotional vampires”.
• 11. She is selfish and willful. She makes sure SHE has the best of everything and always has to have her way.
• 12. She is self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are Very Important and yours are irrelevant or insignificant.
• 13. She is almost absurdly defensive and extremely sensitive to criticism.
• 14. She terrorized you. Narcissists teach you to beware of their wrath. If you give her everything she wants, you might be spared; but if you don’t-the punishments WILL come.
• 15. She’s childish and petty; “getting even” with you is important to her.
• 16. She is aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She won’t take no for an answer-she will push, arm-twist, or otherwise manipulate or abuse you until you give in.
• 17. She “parentifies”. She sheds her parental responsibilities to the child as soon as she is able.
• 18. She is exploitive. She will go to any length to get things from others for nothing (work, money, objects)- including taking money out of her children’s account or even stealing their identities.
• 19. She projects. She will put her own poor behavior or character onto you so she can punish you. For example, you refuse an especially outlandish request of hers, she becomes enraged and furious at your refusal, then screams at you, “we’ll talk about it after you’ve calmed down and aren’t hysterical”.
• 20. She is never wrong about anything. She will never, ever genuinely apologize for anything she has done or said.
• 21. She is not aware that other people have feelings. She will occasionally slip up in public, and because of her lack of sympathy, will say something so callous it causes disbelief in people. The absence of empathy is another defining trait of narcissism and underlies most of the other signs that are on this list.

A busy few weeks

Over the last couple of weeks I have not had the time to write any blog posts as I have been so incredibely busy. Last week I had two days of work at McDonalds and the remainder of the week I spent studying for mid semester tests I had this week. It was actually mid semester break so I luckily didnt have any scheduled classes for the week however I still got lots of productive study done as was therefore well prepared for my tests.

Unlike this time 2 years ago when I was at university, I am now able to do other  things as well as study without expeeiencing overwhelming guilt, remain happy and stay relatively anxiety free. For instance all last week I studied when I could, but also went to a daily gym class and spent time with my boyfriend in the evenings, when he finished work. I now understand that taking breaks from study is bot something to feel guilty about, infact finding a healtgy balance between study, work and the rest of your life is essential.

I also didnt spend that much time studying over last weekend as my family came to Launceston Saturday so I caught up with them for my birthday as well as fathers day. Also as Sunday was Fathers day, we went out for lunch with Nathans family. I still got a few really productive hours of study done each day over the weekend though and since I had already gotten a lot of productive study done the week before, I was feeling well lrepared for my tests and anxiety free.

It was my 22nd birthday on Monday however I was so busy it didnt really feel like ny birthday. I went to ny usyal early norni g Pupmp class and then just revised before I did my first mid semester exam at midday. The exam went really well and despite the fact I had not spent every second leading up to the exam studying, I was well prepared and feeling good. This just proved to me how important it is to keep a balanced life ALWAYS and that getting PRODUCTIVE study done is the key to success at university. I had a couple of hours to spare before I needed to be back at uni for a tutorial so I spent it working on an assignment that was due on the Friday of this week (today).

As soon as my tutorial finished, I made the hour and a half drive to Ringarooma to my boyfriends parents house. My boyfriend spoilt me with lots of birthday presents including new Asics shoes, a nutritional pro to make my morning shakes in, a gorgeous silver bracelet, chocolates and a bottle of bacardi which is the type of alcohol I drink (not that I drink very often). He also got me a card and wrote a beautiful letter inside, which almost made me cry it was so sweet.

Nathan didnt want me driving all the way to his house on my birthday however I didnt want him driving all the way to me as he had done so much driving over the days leading up to that, including that morning when he drove from my place to work.I didnt mind driving as long as I got to spend the night with Nathan and his mum cooked my favourite Tea for me, roast chicken with vegetables and pavlova and cream with berries for dessert!

I made my way back to Launceston early on Tuesday morning as I had to work for 3 hours at McDonalds and wanted to get a couple of hours study done before hand. After work, I decided to go to a gym class as there really wasnt much more study I could do before my second mid semester exam the following day. I had already prepared myself so well for the test it was really only a matter of reading through all of the notes I had already made. After the gym class I had Tea and then just revised for another hour or so before getting an early night.

I woke up at 6am the following mornjng and studied until 9, before making my way to the university to sit my mid year exam. Like my other exam, it went well and I felt as though I was as prepared as I possible could have been, despite the fact that I hadnt spent every second leading up to the exam studying. I had managed to stay happy and healthy while studying for my exams and still felt really well prepared which is a huge accomplishment for me, given my history of perfectionism and intensive studying which lead to me being completely miserable last time I was at uni.

After my exam Wednesday Inwas feeling really tired so instead of going to the gym like I had planned to, I just rested instead and worked on my assignment. I got another early night Wednesday night and felt incredible when I woke up on Thursday morning so I went to my usual early morning Attack gym class which was a great class as I had so much energy. After that I headed back to my place to my place and had breakfast before watching a lecture. After lunch I started doing some of the housework I had neglected to do in my study week and also did ny grocery shopping and put the finishing touches on my assignment which is now ready to submit.  I Spent the evening with Nathan which was nice and now its Friday morning!

I have quite a big weekend coming up and this is already a long post so I think I will update you all on that early next week. I also aim to erite some recovery advice posts next week as I know I havent done this for a while now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Xx

My dad, sister and I on Saturday

Weekend plans

Its Saturday morning and I am just writing a quick post before I head to a pump gym class. My boyfriend is working today so we were both awake relatively early this morning. I am feeling totally energised after having my morning Herbalife Shake and bowl of delicious oats and my mind is nice and clear.

My parents are coming up to Launceston (where I live) today to bring my little sister to a school event so I am going to meet them somewhere for lunch. I havent seen them all for a while now so it will be good to catch up with them, especially since tomorrow is fathers day. It is also my birthday Monday so it will be good to see my family today as otherwise I wouldnt have seen them for my birthday at all.

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I are meeting with all of his family at a restaurant for lunch too, so that we can celebrate fathers day. I love it how Nathans family are all so close and family orientated. And I also love the way his parents and siblings have accepted me into the family so well. His parents just treat me like another one of their children and I really enjoy ataying with them and spending time with them. I am also really close to Nathans siblings, especially the brother and sister that I live with all the time.

I will also have to spend a fair bit of time studying this weekend also as I have two mid semester tests next week. Surprisingly I am not really feeling stressed out about them at all and I am managing to keep a really healthy balanced life, despite having tests coming up. It helps that I am feeling relatively prepared for these tests as I have been getting lots of productive study done over the last week or so.

This time a few years ago I wouldnt have been able to have a single break from studying as the guilt would have been to much for me to deal with and my anxiety levels would have been through the roof. I am feeling great at the moment now though and know that it isnt healthy to study as much as I used to. I still study of course and do my best, however now I have other things in my life that are important too which allows me to stay happy and healthy whilst at university.

So those are my weekend plans, nothing too exciting just a quiet weekend spending time with family and my wonderful boyfriend. I hope you have a great weekend :) xx

Make the most of every situation

If I said I wasnt a little dissappointed about not being able to go out or socialise this weekend due to babysitting, im afraid I would be lying. The truth is, there are other things I would rather do on my rare days off then babysit kids however I am determoned to make the most of it and still have a good weekend.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I have been feeling very run down and tired lately which as far as I know is only due to a lack of sleep. Therefore a weekend of relaxing and doing very little is probably exactly what I need! Besides walking Tess I literally plan to just relax and hang out with the kids both today and tomorrow. The two girls are at pony club and dancing so it is only the little boy who I need to currently look after.

I am just waiting for the girl to get home from dancing and I am going to take the kids up to my families place for a visit. I am looking forward to seeing my family and i think the kids also want to see the farm animals and feed the lambs. My best friend jemma is going to come and keep me company tonight which I am looking forward to and tomorrow we are hoping that it will be warm enough to take the kids up the river for a swim :)

Me with my youngest cousin 

I hope that everyone is having a good weekend.

Home is where the heart is

Even though I couldnt live at home for various reasons, my family home is still without a doubt my favourite place in the world. I love going and visiting home when I have the day off work and I love seeing my family. I caught up with my dad, little brother and little sister today which was great. It made me realise that I should go.and visit gome more often, especially since it is only a 10 minute drive away.

After going out for lunch with jemma we went for a drive up the coast and then went to her place for tea. Overall it was another amazing day Which makes me think about how grateful I am to be living this life and how happy I am to be so far into my recovery!

A great day

I wasn't really expecting to do anything today however it ended up being a really great day. My friend from Hobart rang me this morning and said she was keen to come u to Swansea to visit me which I was excited about. I took Tess for a long walk before she arrived and then we both went down to the beach once she arrived as it was a relly nice day. 

We sat and chatted for ages in the sun and then we had some lunch at the bakery. We both got a delicious meat and salad roll and then headed to my parents house. Only my dad and little sister were home so I introduced them both to my friend and we stayed for a little visit. Amy came back to my place after that and we went to the beach. We had our bathers on so waded in the water even though the water was freezing cold.

It was so nice to finally have some nice weather that we didn't want to be inside so we stayed outside practically all afternoon. We got an icecream before walking back to my place where we stayed until about 5pm. In that time we decided to book our  airline tickets to Brisbane which is where our cruise is departing from. We took Amy back home and ended up staying for tea. 

We had roast lamb and vegetables which was delicious and I really enjoyed not having to cook. Once the thought of eating wit hthe rest of my family like that would have terrified me but tonight I honestly just enjoyed it. And it made it even better that my friend was there too. We sayed until quite late and had some apple crumble and icecream for dessert, just before we left. 

I was so glad hat Jocelyn decided to stay the night tonight as it really has made this weekend a really great one. Luckily she doesnt have to start work until 12:00 tomorrow so she has plenty of time to drive back to Hobart and get ready for work. I am so glad that I met Jocelyn as she is such a nice girl and such good company. 

I better get to sleep now so that I am not too tired tomorrow when I start another long week of work. I even have to work next weekend so wont have much time for a break at all. Goodnight everyone. I hope your weekend has been wonderful and that your week ahead is just as great. x

Feeling very lucky

After going out for tea tonight with my loved ones, I am feeling like a very lucky girl. There were only 10 of us there for tea, but I was so happy as all of the people there are such special people to me. My parents and sister were all there, as well as my gorgeous cousin who I am incredibly close too. Both of my grandmothers were there, as was my uncle and his partner and my god mother and her partner. The only people I really missed were my brothers as they both couldnt make it but I completeluy understood.

I have been completely spoilt rotten with beautiful cards, gifts and money From everyone. I am so glad that I got a chance to catch up with all my relatives and celebrate with them tonight. For tea I ate a huge And delicious meal. It was chicken schnitzel, chips and salad and I enjoyed it so much. Although I am ffeeling quite full now, I am not feeling guilty at all. I also had a really yummy cocktail that I really enjoyed also.

The photo frame Amy bought me <3

 The beautiful necklace My cousin bought me. :)

I am so excited about this weekend and I am also so glad that I have made these two wonderful friends who I can go out with. They have planned an amazing weekend for me and they will probably never realize just how special they have made this birthday for me. It isnt even actually my birthday yet but I have already enjoyed my birthday more then I have in many years.

I love my life

For the first time for as long as I can remember, I feel completely happy and thankful for the life that I have. I love my family, I love where I live and I love my job. I simply love my life. My life still isn't perfect of course, but I think I have finally given up on the unrealistic expectation of having a perfect life. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life and I have realised that you dont need to have a perfect life to be happy anyway.

For so long I have been unhappy, even before I developed anorexia. I guess that is a part of the reason why I developed anorexia in the first place. I was just so unhappy with my life and I felt as though the only way I would ever become happy would be if I managed to change my life. Unfortunately I chose the wrong things to change however as losing a lot of uneccessary weight definitely did not make me any happier, it just made my life more awful.

When I was sick, I was quite angry with everyone and everything in my life but now I am just incredibely thankful for everything. I love how close everyone in our family is and I am so thankful that I get to see them so often. I am so glad that I live in such a beautiful place and that I have my gorgeous dog to keep me company, even when no other people are around. I love living alone in my little unit and being independent but I also love the fact that I know my family will always be here for me, if I ever need them.

Now that I have made so much progress in my recovery, I am also much happier with my life. I love being able to eat yummy foods without feeling so guilty and I also love the fact that I am now able to accept myself at a healthy weight most of the time. Even though it has been a long journey, I am glad that I now truly undertand what is important in life and I think I also have a better understanding now about how to live a healthy life and take care of myself.

Even though I feel as though I have been to hell and back with my eating disorder, I know that it has also shaped me as a person in some positive ways which I am thankful for. I love the fact that I have made such amazing friendships through my blogging. I have also found that through trying to help other people to recover,  haave started to like myself as a person more too. Even though it is hard for me to say this as I feel as though I am programmed to believe that saying anything good about yourself is terrible, I really do like the person who I now am.

When my eating disorder first started to develop.......

I got some really good questions from one of the wonderful girls I regularly email and thought I would answer it in a post, so all of my readers can read about my experience of this. She asked;
'I'm curious how your family reacted when you started to develope your eating disorder. And how you felt in that time? Were you aware of your situation?'

My eating disorder developed over a period of 6 months or so however in this time I did not loose a cosiderable amount of weight so no one really noticed that I was suffering. In this time, I started restricting what I ate more and more and slowly became obsessed with counting calories. I wouldn't let myself eat anything unhealthy and if I ever did eat something unhealthy, I would make myself vomit.

Even though I was eating a lot less and exercising a lot more, it didn't seem to make any difference at all to my weight wich really frustrated me. I suppose that this was just because I was at my natural set point and my body was therefore trying its hardest to maintain that set point. I compared my self and my body to every single person I would meet and became obsessed with food.

Because I was away at boarding school and had access to my own private bathroom, no one ever knew that I would regularly make myself sick. For a while I only did it once a week or even less when I ate something 'really bad' I had forbidden myself to eat like chocolate or dessert. But eventually I felt incredibly guilty for eating anything at all so made myself sick atleast once a day. One day I remember making myself sick after eating some strawberries, because the guilt was too much for me.

At one point my mum knew something was wrong with me as I was extremely sensitive and would burst into tears over almost nothing. Eventually I told her that I had been making myself sick after esting some things but she never did anything. She just told be i should stop and never mentioed it again. I think I told my  mum what was going on as I was scared and felt as though I had lost control so it really hurt when she didn't seem to care or didn't try to help me.

I kept telling myself wach time that I made myself sick that it would be the last time. I neverr thought that I was developing anorexia as I didn't think Iwas 'skinny enough' to be anorexic. Now I realise that anorexia is a mental illness that can happen at any weight. For instance just because I have now reached a healthy weight does not mean that I am no longer suffering from anorexia. I thought that I may have had bulimia at the time my eating disorder was developinng as I wasn't aware that anorexics can sometimes make themselves sick too (purge type anorexia).

Eventually I got so fed up with going to so much effort too lose weight without seeing any results and so I stoppped eating all together. And because I wasn't eating, I obviously wasn't having to make myself sick either. In fact I have never made myself sick ever again. My weight loss was rapid from then. I lost 10 kilograms in only a few weeks and was so weak I had to be put into hospital. In those few weeks leading up to going to hospital, I was at home as it was my school holidays.

I got away with not eating for a couple of days as I just said that I wasn't hungry or that I didn't feel well. I think my parents could see what was unfolding but they soon realised that there was nothing they could really do. I cant remember a lot from this time to be honest but I know that neither of my parents yelled or screamed at me to try and get me to eat. Perhaps they just thought it was a stage I was going through and that I would hopefully snap out of it.

We went on a family trip to Port Arthur and my parents realised then how unwell I was. I refused to eat anthing but steamed vegetables for one meal per day and a piece of fruit. I had hypothermia and had a miserable time away. It was only a couple of days after I got home from tht trip that I was admitted to the childrens ward at the Launceston General hospital, where I would spend the next 6 weeks.

I remember not wanting to go to hospital but at the same time, I didn't really see any other option as I literally couldn't eat. I knew that I was killing myself and that I couldn't survive on what I was eating for very long. I was scared of going to hospital because I knew that I would be forced to gain weight but I was also scared of not going to hospital as I knew that I would eventually die. At the time, both options seemed equally terrifying. But now I am incredibely glad I ended up in hospital and was given another chance at life.

After leaving hospital, my eating disorder got a lot worse before it started to get better but all that maters is that I have got to where I am today in the end. I know that it doesn't matter how long recovery takes me, all that matters is that I recover eventually, and I know that I will.

To the person who asked me these questions, thankyou for giving me a great post topic and I hope I have answered the questions you asked thouroughly :)

Day 10: Best Trip of your life

Roadtrip aound Australia with my family in 2007

Dinosaur Museum, Richmond

Pet Porpoise Pool, Cofffs Harbour

Bondi Beach, Sydney

'Summer Bay', Palm Beach

trail riding with dad, Nunimbah

Dreamworld, Gold Coast

My favorite Roller Coaster as Movie World, Gold Coast

Swimming, Alice Springs

Reptile centre, Alice Springs

A day with my family

Today I have the day off work but am still going to have a busy day as I am going to Hobart with my family. Actually, I am travelling in the car with my mum, dad and sister now so I apologise for any typos in advace. It is quite bumpy here in the back of the car and quite diffiicult to write. I would have liked to write some posts before I left this morning but I had to walk Tess before my family picked me up really early so I didn't have time. I am really looking forward to spending the day with them all.

I have packed snacks for the day but I will just buy someting for my lunch with my family. Up until today everytime I was going to eat out like this I would plan exactly where and what I was going to eat so that I could prepare myself and prevent myself from panicking. But I don not feel tthe need to do tthis at all. I actually feel super comfortable about just going with the flow and chosing something wherever my family chose to eat. I know that this is a really important setep towards becoming recovered so I hope itt goes as well as I feel it will.

In Hobart today I just plan to do some shopping with my family. I dont have a lot of things to buy and I dont really want to spend too much money as I want to start saving more of my money (one of my goals fo this year). But I would like to buy myself a few nice tops as I really dont have any. I have lots of nice jeans but dont really have anything to wear with them. It would also be nice to get a nice jumper or jacket.

I know I have a few emails to reply to and please dont think that I have forgotten about you. I will try my hardest to reply to you all tonight. I had planned to reply to the emails in the car but I am beginning to feel sick from looking down so I think I will have too put my tablet away and look out the window instead. I hope that everyone has a fantastic day. Keep fighting and remember you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to. You just need to believe in yourself, I am living proof of that. <3 xx

Am I sharing too much on my blog sometimes?

Sometimes I worry that I share a little too much on my blog. I know that anyone in the world can read my blog but I find it so hard not to just right out absolutely everything I am feeling as my blog really is like my own personal diary. I really don't mind sharing everything about myself tht I share, but I do wonder about whether or not I should share the information I have shared about my family, for example about my mum.

I know that my mum would be angry if she knew I had written about her on my blog but it makes me feel so much better when I can get all of my thoughts out and I never go into great detail about what goes on in our home. I would like to ask some advice from my readers. What do you all think? Do you think it is wrong for me to write about personal things that conncern me but also the rest of my family? I would love your advice on this.

I really do trust all of my usual readers with this type of information but I probably need to remember that EVERYONE can read my blog, even my mum if she searched for it (not that I think she would as she barely knows how to use a computer). I am looking forward to hearing your opinions on this! :) x

Unsupportive family

While I was living at home, not everyone was always supportive of me which made my illness 1000x worse. I know that these people were only trying to help me because they couldn't bare to see what I was doing to myself (or what anorexia was doing to me) but it still caused me a lot of pain. Recovery was almost impossible for me whilst I was living at home as some members of my family made me feel so terrible about myself. I tried to talk to them about how they were making me feel but there eally was no use, they refused to talk about it. Since I have moved out of that unsupportive environment I have been able to make a lot of progress in my recovery.

If you have people around you that are not being supportive, my first suggestion is to try and talk them. If they are reasonable people they shouldnt mind you approaching them and they should appreciate your honesty. Tell them that you want to recover but what is going on at home is making it harder for you to do this. I have found some great advice on how to help loved ones in recovery. If you think it may help, print it out and give it to your family/friends to read. Afterall, your loved ones most likely want to help you, they just might not know how exactly to do this.

If your loved ones still do not listen to you or accept the advice, dont take it personally. This just means that they most likely cant control their emotions they are feeling about you and your eating disorder. If this is the case, all I can suggest is that you ignore what they say and do the best you possibely can. Dont try and talk to them about your illness if you think it may just end in an arguement or something hurtful being said. Instead find someone else to talk to who has a better understanding. Finally, if you really do find it too difficult living or associating with unsupportive people you may find that you need to move out of home or stop spending time with them. I know that this sounds drastic but if it means you are able to recover, it is well worth it!

Five Ways to Support a Loved One in 

Eating Disorder Recovery

November 1, 2012 By Sharon

By Melissa A. Fabello

Eating disorder recovery – defined in simplest terms as a remission from disordered eating behavior with the goal of becoming healthy again – can sometimes feel like a delicate balance for those in the process. Constantly surrounded by the very substance that threatens a relapse into disordered behavior, some people in recovery from an eating disorder (ED) are similar to sober alcoholics: stuck in a world where their hazardous behavior could easily be reestablished in a matter of moments. The need, then, to keep up constant strength against dangerously negative thoughts and actions can be exhausting, and one lapse in judgment can be disastrous. For this reason, a supportive environment is essential for anyone on the road to recovery.

But where do I start? How do you begin to establish a safe space for your loved one? This guide (which, in its original, longer form can be found here) is meant to be an initial resource. Although I hope that those of you with eating disorders find comfort in this article (and openly pass it on to your support systems), this is not an article for people in recovery. Rather, it’s been written specifically for those of you who need a place to start, who are saying, “I know that my friend or family member has a history with an eating disorder. Now what?”

1. Educate yourself. Before proceeding in supporting a loved one in need, it’s important that you check your biases and misconceptions at the door. Do your research by reading a book, watching a documentary, or looking into the published personal stories of people who have struggled with eating disorders. Brave Girl Eating (2010) by Harriet Brown and Wintergirls (2010) by Laurie Halse Anderson are my personal favorite ED-related books, and the documentary THIN (2006) serves as a fair exploration into residential rehabilitation facilities. If you want, you can also look into pro-ana and pro-mia websites, but do so with proper intent and at your own discretion. Remember that your loved one does not have to be your first point-of-contact for information on what it’s like to experience an eating disorder or eating disorder recovery; there are thousands of resources available to you that can be found with a quick Google search. A little bit of effort in the way of education can go a long way in preparing you to take the right steps.

2. Be a good communicator. Be a presence in your loved one’s life, but not a pressure. Listen if s/he wants to talk, but don’t force it. Try not to be critical or judgmental of what your loved one tells you, even if it’s hard for you to hide your initial reactions. Count to five (or ten – or twenty!) before you say something. Avoid giving advice. Remember that your loved one needs her/his autonomy back. Instead, validate their feelings and normalize their experiences. Use I-statements, and encourage your loved one to do the same. Offer gentle suggestions if it feels right, but avoid telling your friend what s/he “should” do. If you’re confused about something or want more information, ask questions. But always be prepared that your loved one might not want to talk about certain subjects. Try to approach questions in a disarming manner: “Is it okay if I ask you some questions? You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to.” Be compassionate, and stay collected.

3. Avoid body talk. Don’t draw attention to her/his body or try to validate her/his experience by talking about your own weight or body image. Body-specific compliments (i.e.: “I wish I had a body like yours,” “I already think you’re beautiful,” etc.) may seem like a viable solution, but they can actually be damaging to a person in recovery. Well-meaning compliments can be distorted, so it’s best to avoid them. Remember that what might seem like throw-away comments to you about your own body (i.e: “These jeans feel loose,” “I feel so fat today,” etc.) can trigger someone with an eating disorder. Instead, focus your attention on the person’s non-body-related accomplishments and personality traits. Turn the attention away from the physical. This is difficult to do in a culture where we talk often and openly about our bodies (especially our dissatisfaction with them), so it might take some practice.

4. Be sensitive regarding food and numbers. Food and numbers are causes of great stress for people with and recovering from eating disorders. Remember this when planning gifts and activities (pro tip: going out to eat or shopping aren’t the best ideas). If you’re eating in the presence of someone with an ED, avoid mentioning food intake (i.e.: “You could afford to eat more,” “You can order more than just a salad,” etc.). Because numbers often define (and therefore haunt) people with eating disorders, people in recovery need to retrain their minds to stop constantly making calculations. Therefore, avoid any food- or weight-related numbers (i.e.: “I lost five pounds,” “This meal has 600 calories in it,” etc.). Be cognizant of your words. When in doubt, ask what her/his triggers are.

5. Recognize accomplishments, but do so tastefully. When a person is in recovery from an eating disorder, s/he will (hopefully!) start to shed the aversion to food and start to gain weight. When your loved one conquers a fear food or reaches a healthy weight, this is certainly cause for celebration, but be careful how you approach it. Remember suggestion #3: Avoid body talk. Telling someone in recovery that “you look healthy” can very well translate in her/his mind to “you look fat.” Instead, focus on the accomplishment itself, rather than its physical manifestation. A simple “I’m proud of you” or “keep up the good work” will do.

And a BONUS: Remember your own self-care. It is not your responsibility to cure someone, nor is it possible. Being there to support someone who is in recovery is a beautiful gesture, and you’re doing something wonderful for that person. But don’t forget yourself. It’s okay if it becomes overwhelming. It’s okay if you need to step back. It’s okay to be confused, and it’s okay to have questions. Take care of yourself. The important thing is that you’re trying to help.

Eating disorders are difficult – not just for the sufferer, but admittedly for the people who care about that person, too. They’re complicated, and all people are different. Although this guide is meant to give you some insight into common things that eating disordered individuals want their loved ones to know, the best way to support someone with an eating disorder is to ask what s/he needs – and to be realistic about your reaction, response, and ability.

For more information on eating disorders, visit the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) website, or call them toll-free at 1.800.931.2237.

Related Content:

What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder

Eating Disorder Myths: The Naked Truth

Celebrating Eating Disorder Recovery: Inaugural NEDA Walk in Texas

Expressing Disorder: Art Therapies for Eating Disorder Treatment

- See more at: http://www.adiosbarbie.com/2012/11/five-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-in-eating-disorder-recovery/#sthash.cM9bR4FL.dpuf

How my anorexia has affected my brothers

I have talked a fair bit in posts about how my illness has affected the relationship I have with mum, Dad and sister but I haven't really mentioned how it has seemed to effect my brothers. The truth is, I am not 100% sure about how it has effected them as boys arent really very good about talking about there feelings but I know that it still must have been hard for them at times.

My younger brother Luke was one of the first people who knew that something was wrong and the understanding he had was truly remarkable. While I was starving myself at home before I went into hospital, he never talked to me about what was happening but apparently he spoke to my mum. I was very shocked when he said the following to my mum one day 'Telling Karly to eat is like telling a person with a cold not to sneeze, she cant help it mum.'

Everyone in my family was confused about what I was doing to myself but I couldn't believe that a 15 year old boy could show this kind of insight. Luke came and visited me in hospital a few times and was really nice to me. I didn't feel as though he was angry with me, just concerned. I was living with my dad and Luke when I lost all of the weight and ended up being my lowest weight which I know must have been terribly hard for them. They could see me literally killing myself but knew they couldn't do anything to help me.

Luke never once confronted me about what I was doing to myself, even though I am sure he must have wanted to. Luke did actively do a few things to try and help me though. Firstly, he recognised that my baking was a 'sick behaviour' so stopped eating everything I baked. It must have been hard for a 15 year old boy not to eat the chocolate slices and choc chip cookies I made but I think he thought by eating it he was encouraging my unhealthy behaviours. I was angry at the time but it did the trick as it stopped me from excessively cooking for other people, as I couldn't bare to see the food go to waste.

Luke also found me my baby pademelon wallaby, who I honestly think saved my life. This little guy needed my constant attention and gave me a reason to get up in the mornings. My life no longer only revolved around my anorexia, it also revolved around JoJo. Luke knew that having something to look after would be good for me as he this told me when he bought the joey home. He said, 'I thought it would be something to keep you busy and it would give you something else to think about'.

Looking back I think that Luke handled my anorexia as well as he possibley could have. Even though we aren't incredbely close now, I will never forget how wonderful he was through everything, even though it must have been very hard for him.

My older brother Damian had already left home when I got sick so he hasn't been as exposed to my anorexia as much as the rest of my family have been. Unlike Luke, Damian has not seen the raging arguments I would have with my mum when she confronted me about anything food or anything weight related and he never really saw just how much my anorexia had effected my behaviour, as he wasn't there very often.

I know that Damian was really shocked when my mum told him I had been hospitalised as before that moment he had not even known that I had any issues. Apparently he instantly started panicking about all of the times he had callled me fat, which is something that all of the boys in my family were guity of(you can read about it here). He rang me up whilst I was in hospital and I could tell by the way his voice was trembling that he was extremely nervous as he din't know what to say to me.

The whole time I have been sick, Damian only saw me a few times each month but it must have been hard for him, to see me thinner and sicker looking every time he came home. He never talked to me about my anorexia, only once when he was drunk. He just kept saying over and over agan, 'Karly I dont care what you do as long as you eat, you just need to eat'. I guess the alcohol made him express his frustration and what he truly felt about me and my anorexia, as any other time he was not brave enough to confront me about it.

Not only has my anorexia effected both of my brothers very differently because of how often they were exposed to it, but it has also effected them very differently because they have very diffferent types of personalities. My older brother Damian is a very care free and easy going type of person who generally doesn't let things worry him. So although he may not have liked seeing me so thin for the couple of hours he saw me each week, I dont think he would have spent any other time really thinking about it.

Luke on the other hand is much more up tight and doesn't have the ability to just let things go, so I think that my illness would have had a much bigger impact on him, especially considering how exposed he was to it. Although I am not incredibely close to my brothers, I do not think that our relationships have been hurt too much in the long term through me getting sick which I am very thankful about. I don't know if my brothers have really noticed that I am getting so much better yet, as they don't see me very often, but I am sure that they will soon and when they do I know they will be very happy for me and also proud of me.