When my eating disorder first started to develop.......

I got some really good questions from one of the wonderful girls I regularly email and thought I would answer it in a post, so all of my readers can read about my experience of this. She asked;
'I'm curious how your family reacted when you started to develope your eating disorder. And how you felt in that time? Were you aware of your situation?'

My eating disorder developed over a period of 6 months or so however in this time I did not loose a cosiderable amount of weight so no one really noticed that I was suffering. In this time, I started restricting what I ate more and more and slowly became obsessed with counting calories. I wouldn't let myself eat anything unhealthy and if I ever did eat something unhealthy, I would make myself vomit.

Even though I was eating a lot less and exercising a lot more, it didn't seem to make any difference at all to my weight wich really frustrated me. I suppose that this was just because I was at my natural set point and my body was therefore trying its hardest to maintain that set point. I compared my self and my body to every single person I would meet and became obsessed with food.

Because I was away at boarding school and had access to my own private bathroom, no one ever knew that I would regularly make myself sick. For a while I only did it once a week or even less when I ate something 'really bad' I had forbidden myself to eat like chocolate or dessert. But eventually I felt incredibly guilty for eating anything at all so made myself sick atleast once a day. One day I remember making myself sick after eating some strawberries, because the guilt was too much for me.

At one point my mum knew something was wrong with me as I was extremely sensitive and would burst into tears over almost nothing. Eventually I told her that I had been making myself sick after esting some things but she never did anything. She just told be i should stop and never mentioed it again. I think I told my  mum what was going on as I was scared and felt as though I had lost control so it really hurt when she didn't seem to care or didn't try to help me.

I kept telling myself wach time that I made myself sick that it would be the last time. I neverr thought that I was developing anorexia as I didn't think Iwas 'skinny enough' to be anorexic. Now I realise that anorexia is a mental illness that can happen at any weight. For instance just because I have now reached a healthy weight does not mean that I am no longer suffering from anorexia. I thought that I may have had bulimia at the time my eating disorder was developinng as I wasn't aware that anorexics can sometimes make themselves sick too (purge type anorexia).

Eventually I got so fed up with going to so much effort too lose weight without seeing any results and so I stoppped eating all together. And because I wasn't eating, I obviously wasn't having to make myself sick either. In fact I have never made myself sick ever again. My weight loss was rapid from then. I lost 10 kilograms in only a few weeks and was so weak I had to be put into hospital. In those few weeks leading up to going to hospital, I was at home as it was my school holidays.

I got away with not eating for a couple of days as I just said that I wasn't hungry or that I didn't feel well. I think my parents could see what was unfolding but they soon realised that there was nothing they could really do. I cant remember a lot from this time to be honest but I know that neither of my parents yelled or screamed at me to try and get me to eat. Perhaps they just thought it was a stage I was going through and that I would hopefully snap out of it.

We went on a family trip to Port Arthur and my parents realised then how unwell I was. I refused to eat anthing but steamed vegetables for one meal per day and a piece of fruit. I had hypothermia and had a miserable time away. It was only a couple of days after I got home from tht trip that I was admitted to the childrens ward at the Launceston General hospital, where I would spend the next 6 weeks.

I remember not wanting to go to hospital but at the same time, I didn't really see any other option as I literally couldn't eat. I knew that I was killing myself and that I couldn't survive on what I was eating for very long. I was scared of going to hospital because I knew that I would be forced to gain weight but I was also scared of not going to hospital as I knew that I would eventually die. At the time, both options seemed equally terrifying. But now I am incredibely glad I ended up in hospital and was given another chance at life.

After leaving hospital, my eating disorder got a lot worse before it started to get better but all that maters is that I have got to where I am today in the end. I know that it doesn't matter how long recovery takes me, all that matters is that I recover eventually, and I know that I will.

To the person who asked me these questions, thankyou for giving me a great post topic and I hope I have answered the questions you asked thouroughly :)