Day 29: A confession

One particular confession I have was from when I as a child was that sometimes I would intentionally give myself nose bleeds, just for attention. I am incredibely ashaimed about the fact that I did this now and feel terrible however at the time, I honestly just think that I wanted to be noticed. I was an incredibely insecure child and felt better when I was noticed and people were concerned about me. I was a part of a big family and I didn't seem to get any attetion at all.

I was very prone to getting nose bleeds anyway however I found out all that I had to do was tap the end of my nose (which barely even hurt) and then my nose would start bleeding. The nose bleeds would be extremely heavy and I would actually loose a lot of blood. Because I had nose bleeds nearly every day, this led to me being extremely tired all of the time as I was loosing so much blood. 

Eventually I went to hospital and had day surgery to have my nose cortorised to stop the nose bleeds. This involved having the vein that was too close to the surface of skin on the inside of my nose being sealed so it would not burst and start bleeding as often. Even though I would have needed this operation whether I had given myself some of those intentional nose bleeds or not, I stil remember thinking as I went into the oerating theatre 'what have I done to myself'?

I don't know what caused me to act in this way as a child. I think it is sad that I was willing to harm myself in that way, just to get some attention and have people look after me. Maybe I was just an attention seeker, or perhaps this attention seeking went deeper and was actually related to my anxiety and other insecurities. One thing is for sure, I am not at all proud of what I did. This is the first time I have told anyone about wat I used to do to myself as a child but it really does feel good to get it off my chest.\