Obsessing over food

Something I certainly do not miss from when my anorexia was at its worst is being completely obsessed with food. I would literally spend every minute of everyday thinking about food and it really was horrible. Because I wasn't eating anywhere near enough, my body obviously wanted me to eat which Isuppose was one of the reasons I couldn't stop thinking about food.

I became obsessed with trying my hardest to trick my body and everyone around me into thinking that I was eating plenty, however I was always consuming hardly any calories. I always ate foods that had a very low calorie density so that I would feel full for a little while however my body was still getting barely any energy.

I remember laying awake being unable to sleep at night and watching television series like 'Man Vs Food'. I don't know if you have ever heard of this show but it is basically just about a guy travelling around America and dining at 'pig out joints.' My favourite segment on the show would be when he took on food challenges when he had to do insane things like eat 30 hot dogs in 30 minutes etc.

I absolutely loved every minute that I spent eating (as long as I had prepared the food myself) and tried to eat my food as slowly as possible so that I could enjoy it for longer. I would use tny cutlery, take tiny bites and chew each mouthful many times. The whole time I wasn't eating, I was inpatiently waiting for my next meal time. I would never eat a meal early, no matter how hungry I was as to me this meant that I had lost the control I had over food which is something I was terrified of.

I would sped a long time cooking for other people. I would cook cakes and cookies and slices but eventually my family stoppped eating them and I couldn't bare to see food wasting so I stopped baking. I still however continues to read cook books and collect recipes. I would often rearrange the food on our fridge or cupboards and I had my own section of the fridge/in the cupboard where my food went.

In a way, even just watching the people around me eating nice foods would be satisfying and it made me feel as though I didnt need to ea myself. I could spen hours and hours in a supermarket, walking up every single isle many times and inspecting every product. I knew the nutritional information of many foods and had an inbuilt calorie counter in my brain.

I would spend hours and hours on my calorie counting app, planning future meals and I would also search for new foods that I could buy that would fit into my extremely restrictive diet easly. while all of my family wwere worried about me, they all knew that they could not mention my food intake to me at all without world war three breaking out. i was very deffensive about what I was eating as my anorexiaa really had tricked me into thinking I was eating enough.

My mum would yell and scream at me if I ever mentioned food but since this was really all that I thought about from day to day, I really didn't have anything else to talk about. obsessing over food all day everyday really was hell for me and I am so glad that I do not do this anymore. I really do believe that we should eat so that we can live. we definetely should not live so that we can eat.

There are so many wonderful things in life to enjoy however we miss out on all of those things while we are sick and obsessing over food and calories. Life really is a gift and we shouldn't waste it being sick with an eating disorder. Please, keep fighting for recovery and live the woderful life you truly deserve.