In order to recover....

Dealing with weight gain

The hardest physical change that you will face is most likely going to be weight gain. There is no point in denying it, you will gain weight in recovery and you may as well prepare yourself for this inevitability before it actually starts happening. If you are atleast a bit mentally prepared for your weight gain, hopefully you will cope a little better when it starts becoming more noticeable so that you wont get scared into relapsing.

Make sure you get rid of the clothes you wore when you were at a lower weight. Trying on old clothes and finding they are to tight will cause you unecessary anxiety. Wear what is comfortable for you and what makes you feel good. If its possible, get rid of any full sized mirrors around your house. The less time you spend looking at your body, the fewer opportunities you will have to feel insecure about it. If it is possible, do blind weigh ins with your doctor or a family member if your are recovering at home. Knowing exactely how much weight you have gained each week will only give your anorexia more of an opportunity to make you feel guilty. If like me you do need to weigh yourself to monitor your weight gain as no one else can di it, try to do it once or twise a week only.

You need to get used to the fact that you may not always be the skinniest girl in the room anymore. Remember this is a good thing! It shows that you are getting healthier. Whats so good about being the skinniest girl in the room anyway? I can guarantee that any decent boy would like you more when you are happy and healthy at your natural body weight then sick and underweight. I know that I will reach a stage in my weight gain when I start to feel insecure about my new body. I am terrified about feeling like this but have thought of a few reminders to tell myself to make sure that I keep on fighting.

1. Others don't see me the same way as I see myself

Most anorexics have body dismorphia so when you think you look fat, you need to remember that you aren't. This is your anorexia playing tricks on you and trying to make you listen to it. Listening to your anorexia will not make you feel better about yourself however. The only thing that will make you feel truly better about yourself is recovery.

2. Remember how unhappy I was when I was at my sickest

Losing weight again will just make you as unhappy and miserable you used to be. You were not truly living when you were that sick, in fact you were barely surviving. You deserve more than that. You deserve to actually live life and enjoy life.

3. The only reason I feel so insecure is because my mind isn't recovered yet.

Mental recovery can not happen until weight restoration is achieved which means that you will need to gain weight whilst you are still having strong anorexic thoughts. If you continue gaining weight however your mind will eventually get better and then your insecurities will start to dissappear.

4. I have come too far and worked too hard to throw it all away

You have gained weight so have obviously pushed yourself through a lot of pain and suffering allready. I wish it could be different but recovery is painful. You have been strong enough to get to this point in your recovery and turning back now would mean that all the hard work was for nothing.

5. If I dont recover I could die

Ultimately you have 2 options to push through your insecurities and continue on your path of recovery or to give into your anorexia and relapse. Relapsing will not achieve anything. Eventually you will either have to re-do all the hard work again only to reach the exact same point you are currently at or if you dont do that, you may die.

Please, if you feel as though your weight gain is too much to bare or like you are on the verge of relapsing remind yourself of all the wonderful things recovery can bring and of how awful living with anorexia is. If your anorexic thoughts are too overpowering and you dont feel strong enough to choose recovery on your own, talk to someone who you know can talk you through it and make you think more rationally. 

I know it is sometimes impossible to think rationally when your anorexia is in control. Your anorexia will take every opportunity it can to make you feel awful about yourself but you need to be able to recognise when this is happening so you can fight the thoughts instead of listening to them. You could even write down some rational reminders like I have here that you can read to yourself whenever your anorexia starts to dominate your thoughts, to make sure you keep fighting.

Feeling a little stressed

I am feeling a little stressed at the moment as I am in the middle of a really busy few weeks. Because I work two jobs, every now and the my rosters run into one another so I end up working many days in a row without any break at all. For instance after working three days earlier this week, I only had yesterday off which is when I went to the city to go shopping, and now I am working for another 7 days straight. Once I finish those 7 days I only have a single day off before I am back to work again.

I know I shouldn't complain as living out on your own is really expensive and I do need the money but I also feel like I need rest too. And I feel like I have so many jobs around the house that I need to do but simply cant as I am never here. I know I will be able to get through it as I have before and I will probably find it a bit easier now that I am eating so much more as I will hopefully continue to feel more energised. I am sleeping a lot better now too which is a huge bonus!

Staying busy probably isn't a bad idea at the moment anyone as I think I will be able to cope with gaining weight better if I don't have as much time to sit around thinking about it. If I keep my mind off of my weight gain, I will have less of a chance to feel guilty and anxious about it. Does everyone else agree with this? Do you think that it is better to keep your mind busy while recovering so you don't have as many opportunities to feel anxious over your weight gain?

I do want to apologize in advance as I probably won't get to blog as much as I would like to over the next week or so. Even though blogging is a big priority of mine, it wont be humanly possible for me to spend a huge amount of time writing posts but I promise I will try my best! I just need to stay positive and rememeber that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once I get through all of these work days I will be able to rest and relax and blog to my hearts content (and no doubt get through many episodes of Greys anatomy ;)). Have a great weekend everyone!