What it means to be recovered article

Article  from: https://www.recoverywarriors.com/what-does-it-mean-to-recover-from-an-eating-disorder/?utm_content=buffer00bb4&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

When I first entered into treatment, I believed that once I put on the weight that I had lost and learned how to eat normally, I would be recovered. I didn’t think about the processing that had to happen in order to fully leave the eating disorder in my past. I thought that recovery was simply about food– that once I was able to complete my meal plan 100% and avoid using behaviors such as diet pills, laxatives, and exercise, I would be discharged from treatment and be able to return to my life. But in reality, recovery is about so much more than food.

Weight restoration and normalized eating is a part of it, but recovery goes so much deeper than that.

Recovery is about discovering everything that is within you. It is about knowing and reassuring yourself that this is something you did not choose, but you are choosing to be brave and move past it, despite your mind telling you otherwise. It is coming out stronger on the other side because you know that recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. It is sharing your story and helping others. It is no longer competing with the people around you to be the skinniest, but instead choosing to strive for health and happiness.

Recovery is about enjoying all types of food and not just sticking to a meal plan of quinoa, green smoothies, and Clif bars. It is going to get ice cream with your friends at 10 o’clock on a Tuesday night because you’re hungry and it’s 95 degrees outside. Recovery is being able to enjoy your birthday cake and not pack a separate dinner that you bring to the hibachi restaurant. It is being able to eat a doughnut for your afternoon snack, and still eat a normal dinner. It is being able to eat a salad and do so in a healthy way, without thoughts racing of how salad should be the only thing you eat for the next week. It is bringing scones into work and eating some in addition to your breakfast because you want to celebrate that it’s Friday with your coworkers.

Recovery is going on a walk with your best friend to talk about old memories without counting every step you take.

It is going to the gym to do yoga or a spin class without spending the whole day on the treadmill. It is sleeping in on a Sunday morning because you were up late the night before, and it is okay to take a break. Recovery is going out with friends and having a drink because the extra calories will not break you. It is taking the day off from work when you are sick because your body needs rest to heal.

Recovery is knowing that not everything has to be perfect. It is being able to ask for help on a math problem because you are learning and are not expected to know everything. It is getting a C on a test and taking the time to learn what went wrong without punishing yourself by not eating for the next week. Recovery is making mistakes and knowing that you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. It is getting into a fight with your boyfriend and knowing that with time things will heal.

Recovery is taking risks. It is showing emotions rather than covering everything up with a fake smile and telling everybody that you are fine. It is going up to the girl reading your favorite book and sparking a conversation that leads to an excellent friendship because you’re not worried that she is going to judge you for your body. Recovery is applying to the internship even if you’re just a freshman because even applying is good experience and will only help you in the long run. It is trying a sport that you’ve never done before because you want to have fun with your friends, and it is not important if you are the best one or not. It is signing up for a Spanish class when you have never taken a foreign language because you want to try something new.

Recovery is about creating a life outside of the eating disorder. It is being able to feel safe outside of a treatment center. It is being able to eat in front of people you have never met before without fear that they are constantly judging everything morsel you eat. Recovery is graduating from residential and PHP and wanting to start a new life rather than go back to treatment because that is where you feel the most accepted.

It is growing and healing and beginning to turn into a new and improved version of yourself.

Recovery is knowing that there will be times when things get incredibly difficult. It is knowing that slips and relapses will happen, but you can get back up. It is going back to treatment with more motivation than ever and coming out stronger. It is knowing that recovery is not linear. Recovery is feeling all emotions and accepting them. It is being angry and sad and crying in front of other people because you are human and you have feelings just like everyone else in this world. Recovery is being okay with things being out of control. It is picking yourself back up again when you fall.

Recovering from an eating disorder is about so many things, but most importantly, it is about finding yourself. It is about going after your dreams and fighting for your passions. It is living life feeling free. It is showing the remarkable amount of strength and courage you have inside of you. Recovery is about finding your light and spreading it around the world. Recovery is falling in love with being alive. Recovery is more than existing, it is living. Recovery is wonderful.

Today, I am beyond grateful that I have gotten the chance to recover. This journey has been anything but easy, but today I am stronger than ever. Rock bottom has become the foundation upon which I have rebuilt my life. I am growing and flourishing, and none of this would have been possible if I stayed in my eating disorder. Recovery is hard and scary, and sometimes seems like it will ruin your life, but when you fight long and hard enough, you realize how much more there is in life than anorexia. Life is beautiful, so go out there and chase it. Go after your dreams. Fight for what you believe in. Accept love and radiate love. You belong in this world. You are beautiful.

Why do I do Hebalife?

I get lots of people criticizing me for doing Herbalife. People have even accused me of being a part of a colt and have questioned whether it is healthy for me to follow a nutrition program at all, especially post anorexia. I don't blame these people one little bit as I know its just because they don't understand what Herbalife actually is and they have not had the privilege of experiencing our incredible and uplifting community. This is a post I wrote and posted to our Local Nutrition Hub this morning and I thought I would share it with you all too. I am not quite brave enough to share it with all of my family and friends yet on my facebook wall, as I still worry that they wont fully understand, but one day I would like to share my true Herbalife results with everyone and hopefully inspire everyone to do something that allows them to accept themselves as I am now able to do!

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For a while now I have been wanting to share my 'true' Herbalife results with others, but I haven't been quite brave enough to do that. Today however I am going to take the first step and share my results with all of you wonderful people.

Before Herbalife (bottom left picture) I had managed to restore a healthy weight after my eating disorder (top left picture) however I wasn't mentally recovered. I was still having to fight my anorexic thoughts daily and I didn't accept my body the way it was at all.

Now however I feel like a different person! It is only now that I have finally developed a healthy relationship with food, as well as with myself and that is only thanks to Herbalife and my wonderful coach Phoebe Outtram who not only introduced me to Herbalife, but also personal development, self love and self belief!

For the first time ever I now consider myself to be fully recovered from my eating disorder and that is something I never thought would happen . I am so much fitter, healthier and stronger now and my mental state is the best it has ever been!

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Remember to rest

Ever since getting a gym membership a few weeks ago, I have really enjoyed being able to exercise regularly, regardless of the weather. I have also really enjoyed doing a wide variety of exercises instead of just walking like I used to do and I can already see my fitness and strength improving. Something incredibely important to remember is to make sure you have rest days, to give your body a break and allow it to repair and recover.

 Something else to remember is that on rest days, you should not feel as though you cant eat as much as you usually would. If you only feel as though you can not or should not eat your regular intake if you are not doing exercise then this is not a healthy mindset to have and perhaps you aren't ready to start exercising again. You should not think of exercise as something you do so that you can eat, you should think of eating as something you do to keep you healthy and that gives your body the fuel it needs so that you can exercise when you want to.

For instance, I have been to the gym the last 4 days in a row and I am choosing to have a rest day today to allow my sore muscles to repair. I have full intention of eating my usual intake today even though I am not exercising. It has taken me a long time to change to this mindset but I am glad to say that my days of compensating for not exercising by eating less are over! I know that my body needs to be fueled properly EVERYDAY and that is exactly what I intend to do!

Although not as much energy will be required by your body for actual physical activity on rest days, if you eat your usual amount this just means that more energy will be available to help your body to repair and recover. It also gives your body a chance to replenish its energy stores which will prepare you for exercise again,  next time you do work out. Rest days also give you a chance to focus on other important aspects of your life, that you may not usually have time. Remember that looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical health.

The number of rest days a person takes is an individual choice however I think that people should try to rest atleast one day a week. Personally, I find I need atleast 2 rest days per week as I am still very new to working out and I dont want to rush my body into making progress too quickly. I also want to make sure that I am only exercising for the right reasons and that I am not getting addicted to exercise, as I know that this sometimes does happen post anorexia recovery.

Having a boyfriend has really helped me in the final stages of my recovery

While this may not be the case for everyone,  my boyfriend has helped me enormously to overcome the last few stages of recovery. I think that this has been the case for me because he is such a wonderful person who I have developed a very special bond with so quickly. While it has helped me a lot, it is very important to note that having a boyfriend is not necessarily always a positive thing in recovery. This depends not only on what stage of recovery you are at but also the type of person your boyfriend is.

Although I was already weight restored when I met my boyfriend,  my mental state has continued to improve in leaps and bounds. When we began going out for dinner all the time, drinking alcohol  and enjoying food together, I really was still scared of all of those things. But just being with such a wonderful person really did help me to get through all of those things and eventually enjoy them with no fear at all. Now I have completely overcome the fears of eating extra food on some occasions and also eating out and consuming liquid calories. In fact, I now enjoy doing all of these things!

The fact that my weight has remained constant since I have started going out and eating more sometimes, has really proven to me that its perfectly fine to eat more sometimes and that doing this won't hurt me. No matter how many times I read or was told this was the case, I never truly believed it. Nathan has helped me to really start living and in the process has helped prove to me that eating extra doesnt necessarily lead to weight gain and is not a bad thing. It has also shown me that missing meals sometimes wont hurt me either. I know now that our bodies are not calorie counting machines and our energy requirements are not an exact science.

Having someone who loves and accepts me completely for who I really am really has helped me to accept myself too. I really do think that my low self esteem and poor confidence is what caused my eating disorder in the first place and it was also preventing me from making a full  recovery. For a long time I knew that learning to accept myself was an essential part of my recovery and I was right, because it is only through learning to respect and appreciate myself for who I truly am have I been able to overcome the final few stages of recovery.

Occasionaly, I still have moments when I wish to be thinner or am not completely satisfied with how I look but I think that this is all just a normal part of being a girl and I never act on these thoughts. The main reason being that I know my boyfriend likes me just the way I am and there is therefore no reason to change. Also, I know that if I got sick again I would hurt my boyfriend and possibly lose him, which are two things I couldn't bare to do. So not only has my boyfriend helped me to make recovery progress, but it has also stopped me from slipping backwards in my recovery too.

Mental health week

This week, it is mental health week so I wanted to share this fantastic video with you all that highlights the importance of ending the stigma associated with mental illnesses. I thought it was a fantastic video and I hope you all find it as inspiring as I did. I was actually sent this video by email at because it is mental health week which I thought was amazing. Afterall, the current stigma associated with mental illnesses will only end if people are educated about it.

https://youtu.be/SQYNOXXjrxQ

A little update on my recovery

I decided to take some more progress pictures last night, now that I have reached my goal weight. It is hard for me to see myself so much bigger then I was, but at the same time I am incredibely proud of myself for making it to where I now am. I know that the weigh I am now at is the weight I am supposed to be and I therefore need to keep working on accepting myself at this weight. As I look at these photos, I have a mixture of thoughts going through my head but I know I just need to ignore my anorexic thoughts and keep tellng myself that I am healthy and there is notthing wrong with the way I look.

I just realised that I never actually let you all know what I eventually decided to do about weighing myself and my 'month without the scale' challlenge. With the help of some of my readers, I realised that I was in fact doing the challenge for all the wrong reasons. I was not doing the challlenge because I was scale addicted or anything like that. I was doing it because I was scared of seeing how much I weighed and didn't want to have to admit it to myself as by doing this my anorexia gets angry.

So when I started to get worried that I may have been losing weight, as I had reduced my intake, started exercising more and stopped weighing myself all at the same time, I decided to end my challenge after only two weeks. Firstly, I am happy to report that I had not lost any weight which gives me confidence that I am still eating enough and that the extra exercise is not too much for my body.

Secondly, I think for now weighing myself and seeing my truue weight is actually helping me to recover more then what not weighing myself would be. Every time I weigh myself and see my weight, I do feel panicked and a little uncomfortable. My anorexia does get angry and starts trying to make me want to lose weight again. The thing is however, when this happens I never listen. Instead I fight with everything I have to ensure my anorexia doesn't get it's way.

I know that through fighting my anorexia this way and winning I am getting closer and closer to recovering and I am also getting closer to being able to accept myself for who I truly am. There is no point in being in denial about how much I weigh. That is not helping me to accept myself at a healthy weight, it is just like ignoring the problem. I know that the only way I will make a full recovery is by facing my fears and for me this means weighing myself, even if it is only once a week.

I weighed myself again this morning and my weight has still not changed which I think is a good thing. After all, maintaining me weight is my goal now and it is more just my mental recovery I need to keep working on. No matter how much my anorexia hates my weight and tries to get me to restrict and burn calories, I refuse to listen. Because I know in my heart that I am healthy and I know that I am the size I am supposed to be. I am not super skinny but if I was, then I would not be healthy and I would not be me.

Please, to all of those out there trying to get to a healthy weight, Keep fighting. I never thought that I would be able to get to a healthy weight but I have and it really isn't that bad. In fact, I like and appreciate my body more now then I ever have in my life. And to all of those who have reached a healthy weight but still have trouble accepting themselves at that weight, you need to keep fighting too. Acceptig and appreciating yourself and your body is possible and if we keep working on it, I know that we can get there together!

A new phase of my recovery

Over the last few days, I have decided that it is now time for me to cut back my intake back a little. The reason I have decided to cut my intake back is not because Iam giving into my anorexia, but instead because I can see that I do not necessarily need to gain a lot more weight. I am still eating recovery amounts of food as I feel as though cutting back too fast would not be a sensible idea for me, so instead I think I will slowly cut my intake down until I stop gaining weight.

Firstly, I want to say that just because I have reached the stage in my recovery where it is ok for me to cut my intake back a little does not mean that it is ok for you to do the same if you are still underweight. I actually had second thoughts about letting you, as my readers know that I am starting to eat a little less as I can understand how triggering this may be. However I really felt as though I needed to tell you everything as I would not want to feel as though I wasn't being completely truthful on my blog.

There are various reasons why I decided to start eating less. Firstly, I am now a healthy weight and have actually exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me by almost a kilogram. My bones also no longer stick out unnaturally and my figure is very similar to what it was like before I got anorexia. Another reason why I decided to cut down on my intake is because I really was starting to feel as though the amount I was eating was excessive, as it was atleast 3200 calories each day.

To be perfectly honest, I actually dont hate my body the way it currently is which is another reason why I dont want to gain too much more weight if I am already healthy. I really was worried that if I gained too much weight then I would become really unhappy with my appearance again and start wanting and trying to lose weight. So instead, I hope now to be able to maintain my weight at around the weight I currently am as I am able to accept my body at this weight.

In saying this, I still firmly believe that reaching my natural set point weight is incredibely important but I really do think that if I have not yet reached my natural set point weight then I am really close. And if I still do have a kilogram or two more to gain, then I will gain it eventually anyway when I start eating intuitively in the future if not before. So my recovery plan for the next few months is to stabilise my weight and maintain it ofr a few months. Once I am feeling strong enough, I then want to start making the transition to intuitive eating from following my meal plan.

I have really enjoyed not having to limit my exercise but still ensure that I am always exercising for the right reasons and stop myself from exercising whenever it is not necessary or I dont feel like it. For example if Nan ever walks Tess for me, I always make sure I rest instead of taking Tess for a walk so that I can face any fears I have about not exercing as much.

I know that just because I am weight restored does not mean that I am recovered from anorexia, in fact I KNOW that I am still suffering from my eating disorder and still need to continue working on my mental recovery. Every day I manage to fight my anorexic thoughts and feelings I feel my mind getting stronger and feel myself geting closer to being recovered. So to make sure I make a full recovery, I know that I just need to keep fighting the way that I currently am and to continue challenging myself.

I really do feel as though I am doing what is right for me and my recovery and suggest that everyone else coninues to do the same as well. Afterall, your recovery is an incredibely individual thing that you need to base around your own needs. So if you are still underweight or still have more weight to gain before you reach your goal weight, keep fighting and you WILL get there. Please, If anyone has any questions about what I have decided to do, feel free to leave a comment below. :)

 

My anorexia still controls me sometimes

A few nights ago, something happened that made me realise that while I my have learnt to control my anorexic thoughts a lot more now, they are still strong enough to control me sometimes too. I was working quite late at the supermarket and my nan came in and told me that it didn't matter if I didn't have a chance to walk Tess my dog, as she had walked her for me. The first emotion I felt was anger. I obviously didn't want to be rude to me nan so I just said in a half jokingly way "Naaaaan, you shouldn't have done that".

Once my nan left I still felt annoyed about the fact that she had walked Tess for me and considered walking her again anyway. I first put this down to the fact that I am very independant and dont really like other people doing things for me but I knew deep down that there was more to it than that. When I really thought about it, I realised that it was my anorexia that was so incredibely angry that my nan had walked Tess for me, as it meant that I no longer had to do it, meaning I would not get as much exercise for the day.

As soon as I realised that these were anorexic thoughts I was having, I knew that I couldn't listen to them and that I therefore couldn't walk Tess again that night. I then started feeling guilty about how I had spoken to my nan. I wasn't incredibely nasty or anything but I think she would have realised that I wasnt happy that she had walked Tess. When I got home I rang my nan and thanked her for walking Tess for me. I told her that I was very grateful not to have to go back out in the cold again that night and she seemed happy that I had called.

If someone would have asked me before this happened if my anorexia ever still controls the way I act, I probably would have said that it didn't. I would have said that while I still have anorexic thoughts, I do not act upon them. This particular experience showed me that my anorexia still does have the ability to affect my actions however. This tells me that while I am recovering, I still have a lot more progress to make and I still need to be very careful that I do not accidently act at upon my anorexic thoughts. Afterall, acting on these thoughts will only give my anorexia strength and set me back in my recovery.

Food is our medicine

I know I have talked about this on my blog before but I think that it is an incredibely important message to get out there as realilsing it really is esseential to recovery, so I am going to talk about it again. In the years I spent losing weight and also mantaining my weight, people tried to tell me that food was my medicine and that through eating, would come recovery but I didn't believe them. I could not see how eating food would change the way I felt towards my weight and food and I was convinced that I would never be able too eat proper recovery amounts.

I just couldn't see how gaining weight would make any difference to what was going on inside my head and gaining weght just seemed far to difficult.  The best decision I ever made was when I committed fully to my recovery and decided to give eating real recovery amounts a go. Since then I have been able to develop a whole new attitude towards recovery.

Through giving my body the energy it needs through food, my mind has started to repair which means that I can think a lot more clearly and can fight my anorexia much more successfully. Now I have the ability to think for rationally and clearly and I know that this is only because my brain is repairing.

I know how scary the prospect of increasing your intake to a proper recoevry amount may seem, but unfortunateely the only way you can overcome this fear is by doing it. Try not to think about the weight gain or any of the other things that eating more may bring. Just think about the fact that food is your medicine and that you WILL NOT be able to successfully recover unless you increases your intake to proper recovery amounts.

Please trust me when I say that the weight gain really does get easier as it continues as your mind is also getting better from the extra food and you can therefore handle it more than you would have otherwise. Some people regain their weight while eating lower amounts (i.e. 2000 calories) and I honestly think that the weight gan would be a lot harder for them, as their minds are not repairing at the same time so their anorexic thoughts are still as strong as ever.

Through repairing your mind with food, you are able to better accept your body and learn to accept it the way it is supposed to be. Ihave gained 10 kg throughout my recovery so far and I can honestly say that I like my body just as much now as I did when I was 10kg lighter. I think that this is because as my mind repairs (due to eating the extra food) my body dismorphia has also improved so I am starting to see my body more accutrately.

Also whenever I do feel self conscious about my body, the non anorexic part of my mind is strong enough to tell me that there is nothing wrong wrong with my body and that they are only anorexic thoughts I was having. Eating recovery amounts does not only let your mind repair but the rest of your body too.

Your heart and other organs are all damaged whilst you are starving yourself and the only way they can repair themselves is if they have the energy neccessary to do so. The body truly is a wonderful thing if you think about it. The way that it is able to undo a lot of the damage we have done to it is truly remarkable so I think the least we can do is provide our bodies with the energy they need in order to do this.

The Food Intake Guidelines

Here are the guidelines for when 2500 calories applies as a minimum daily intake for recovery:

1. You are a 25+ year old female between 5’0” and 5’8” (152.4 to 173 cm) and,
2. The regular menstrual cycle has stopped and/or,
3. You have other symptoms of starvation: feeling the cold, fatigued, foggy headed, hair loss, brittle nails, dull skin and/or,
4. Even if you were only underweight/dieted for a very short space of time (a few months) these guidelines apply. And remember “underweight” is relative to your body’s optimal weight and is not a clinical measurement.

Here are the guidelines for when 3000 calories applies as a minimum daily intake for recovery:

1. You are an under 25 year old female between 5’0” and 5’8” (152.4 to 173 cm) or an over 25 year old male between 5’4” and 6’0” (162.5 and 183 cm) and,
2. The regular menstrual cycle has stopped and/or,
3. You have other symptoms of starvation: feeling the cold, fatigued, foggy headed, hair loss, brittle nails, dull skin and/or,
4. Even if you were only underweight/dieted for a very short space of time (a few months) these guidelines apply. And remember “underweight” is relative to your body’s optimal weight and is not a clinical measurement.

Here are the guidelines for when 3500 calories applies as a minimum daily intake for recovery:

1. You are an under 25 year old male between 5’4” and 6’0” (162.5 and 183 cm) or female with young children or an equivalent and unavoidable level of activity.
2. The regular menstrual cycle has stopped and/or,
3. You have other symptoms of starvation: feeling the cold, fatigued, foggy headed, hair loss, brittle nails, dull skin and/or,
4. Even if you were only underweight/dieted for a very short space of time (a few months) these guidelines apply. And remember “underweight” is relative to your body’s optimal weight and is not a clinical measurement.

If you are taller than the guidelines listed above, then add 200 calories to the guidelines that match your age and sex. If you are shorter than the guidelines listed above, then you may eat 200 calories less than what is suggested for your age and sex, however these are all minimum guidelines and everyone is expected to eat well above them for a good portion of the recovery process in any case. Please see this this blog post for more details: Extreme Hunger I: What Is It?

*REMEMBER THESE ARE MINIMUM GUIDELINES, YOU MAY NEED TO EAT MORE IF YOU STILL FAIL TO GAIN WEIGHT EATING THESE AMOUNTS!

 

Feeling happy

The last few days I have been feeling quite strong and happy which has been really nice. Times like these, when everything seems easier can be quite rare in recovery, so I like to make the most of them while I can. My anxiety seems to be relatively good at the moment in all aspects of my life. I have been coping with my continued weight gain ok and I am also finally starting to feel more confident at work and am not doubting myself so much.

The only thing I can think of that could explain this is that my mind is really starting to recover. It can be hard in recovery for a while, as your body always seems to be ahead of your mind in recovery, which means that your unhealthy mind has to deal with your body getting healthier (which is extremely difficult). I think it would be so much easier if it happened the other way around!

I have a long day working at the bank today but then I have the weekend off. I am going to Hobart on Saturday with my mum as I have LOTS of things I need. I am starting to grow out of most of my clothes so need to get some more, for when they are completely too small. I also want to buy some groceries that are way too expensive or unavailable in the town I live in, new sport shoes and a vacuum cleaner, as I currently have to borrow my nans, everytime I want to vacuum my floor.

This will be the first time in a long time that I can go shopping and not have to put everything back because it doesnt fit at all, or worse still have to go shopping in the childrens section. I still have very mixed feelings about it though. It has been hard, seeing my clothes get tighter and tighter but I know that this just means I am getting healthier. I try not to see this as me getting too big for my clothes, but instead that my clothes are getting too small for me. My clothes are the problem, not my body. This is a great excuse to spoil myself and buy some nice new clothes anyway.

Amy has asked to come and spend the day with me Sunday too. I will have to try and think of something interesting for us to do as we always just seem to stay home and do nothing when she comes. But she obviously enjoys it as she always wants to come, whenever she can. I think she just enjoys spending time with me though, as we get along so well. I am very grateful to be so close to my sister as I know I havent always been there for her to give her the time and patience she deserved when I was really sick. I am so lucky that she has stood by me regardless if this and is still so proud to call me her sister.

The relationship between my Anorexia and Anxiety

At the moment it is only 2:12 am but I am unable to sleep because it is so terribly windy. When its windy, the little unit I live in rattles and shakes and it really is quite hard to sleep so I thought I may as well make good use of my time and write a post.
Yesterday I was having a conversation with one of my work colleagues about how different mental illnesses can go hand in hand with one another. In this conversation I found myself explaining the relationship between my two mental illnesses, anorexia and anxiety better then I have ever been able to explain it before so I thought I would share it with you too.

I see my anxiety as my primary mental illness and my anorexia as a secondary mental illness. This is because while I havent always had anorexia, I have always had anxiety. I  honestly think that my anorexia is just a a coping mechanism I developed for dealing with my underlying anxiety. To me, controlling my weight, food intake and exercise were all ways of making myself feel as though I was in control and 'safe'. Of course I can see now that my anorexia has only made my anxiety worse but at the time my anorexia was developing, it made me feel better.

I was incredibely self conscious and hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I started blaming the way I looked for everything bad in my life. I started to believe that if I could become beautiful, my life would be better. While I believe I will be recovered from anorexia one day, I know that my anxiety will always be with me. There will be hard times in my life when I feel anxious or panicked about what is happening around me but I need to find new ways to deal with my anxiety rather than by falling back into my anorexia.

I need to always remember that controlling my food, weight and exercise has not solved any of my problems in the past and that it wont fix anything in the future either. While turning to these types of behaviours will only ever make me feel more awful then I already do, there are other coping mechanisms I can use when my anxiety gets bad that aren't destructive to me. I find that simply talking myself through stressful situations and distracting myself helps me a lot.

At the moment my main coping mechanism is to just tell myself to breathe and that what I am feeling will soon pass. One thing that seems to help me a little is to get outside in the fresh air and take Tess for a walk. other times I put on a television series to try and distract me from my thoughts or I call my litle sister for a chat.
While distracting myself with these things can help me while I am at home, I cant do this at work. There is obviously a lot of responsibility involved in working in a bank as you are always dealing with large amounts of peoples money and this makes me incredibely anxious.

I second guess myself with nearly every transaction I make and am always terrified that I have miscouted money or made some kind of mistake. I try to tell myself that I am just being paranoid but I honestly cant help feeling this way. It isn't until I 'balance' at the end of the night (when all of the money I should have at my terminal in accounted for) that I am able to relax. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to deal with this anxiety I experience at work?

Day 17: What in your life has changed since you entered recovery

For some reason I find this question quite hard to answer. I would really like to say my life has completely changed for the better since entering recovery and that I am 100% happier then I used to be but this is not actually the case. I feel as though it is much harder to actually recover then it is to remain sick. This is because it is much more painful to fight your anorexic voice then to listen to them. Recovery is so hard and so painful but that does not mean you shouldnt choose recovery. You just have to believe that while the actual recovery process is terribely difficult, becoming recovered is well worth all of the pain you experience.

I wish I could say that my life no longer revolves around food and weight, but it definetely still does. During recovery so much of your focus and attention is paid towards what you eat and how much weight you are gaining. You cannot live life like a normal person as you always have to put your recovery first and make it your priority. While entering recovery may not instantly change your life for the better, once you actually recover your life will definetely be changed for the better. Only by making a full recovery will you be able to feel completely free and will you be able to truly live your life the way that you deserve to live it.

Not everything about recovery so far has been harder however, my life has also changed for the better in some ways. For starters, I feel as though I have so much more energy then I ever have before. Obviously eating much larger amounts of food means that I am giving my body a lot more energy. While I was sick, I clearly remember dragging my feet along while going for my long walks. I was literally running on empty but still I forced myself to keep going. Now I feel as though I have springs under my feet when I take Tess for walks and am literally bursting with energy. Even though I am not really using this extra energy I have at the moment as I am limiting my exercise as much as possible, it still feels great to jump out of bed each morning with all the energy I know I will need to get through the day.

Since entering recovery and nourishing my body with lots of food, I have also started to see a difference in the way I think. I honestly believe that the extra energy is not only going into allowing my body to repair, but also my mind. Everyday I feel as though my anorexic thoughts are getting a little weaker and the real me is getting stronger. Since entering recovery my whole attitude has become much more positive and I am finding thinking rationally much easier as well.

One of the biggest things that have changed since I entered recovery is that I realised I am strong enough to fight my anorexia and that recovery is possible for me. Before I started my revovery I did believe that recovery was possible for some people but I was not convinced that it would be possible for me. I felt like I was so sick that I would never be able to turn my life around and live normally. Since starting to recover however, every time I have had to fight my anorexic thoughts and have won I have become more and more confident in just how strong I can be. Now I know that I WILL recover as I AM strong enough to fight my Anorexia and WIN.

Day 1: A letter to my anorexia

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,
Karly

recovery= more than just gaining weight

After writing two posts yesterday which were both to do with the weight related aspects of recovery, I wanted to write a post highlighting the fact that recovery is about more than just gaining weight. Since anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects, whether a person is recovered should  be determined by what is happening in a persons mind, rather than just how they appear on the outside.


Considering Anorexia is a mental illness, I think that there has been far too much focus on weight when determining whether a person is suffering/recovered from anorexia in the past. One of the diagnostic criteria for anorexia was once that the patient needed to have a bmi under a certain range- I think it was 17.5. Now however this is not considered as an important diagnistic criteria as a patient could be having anorexic thoughts and behaviours while at a slightly higher bmi than 17.5.

If you think about it, it is ridiculous to say that out of two girls with the exact same mindset, the girl with a bmi of 17.6 is not anorexic while the girl with a bmi of 17.4 is anorexic. For example  I was struggling with anorexic thoughts for the 6 months leading up to becoming underweight. While I was initially unable to lose the weight, my mind and behaviors were still really unhealthy.

An anorexic patient should never be declared recovered until a full psychological examination is performed on the patient as well as a physical exam.

When I left hospital I was weight restored and no one would have ever guessed I had anorexia but my mind was still as anorexic as ever. I was not recovered, in fact my anorexia was every bit as bad the day I left hospital as it was the day I went to hospital. It is completely normal for people to experience weight restoration and physical recovery before they recover mentally. The reasons why this is the case are explained in the following information, sourced from here.

There is one finding about anorexia which seems to me more crucial to treating it successfully than anything else.  It is a counterintuitive insight, but one that seems – like all the best facts – completely obvious when once one knows it.  It is this: that for the anorexic, gaining weight is the prerequisite for mental recovery, rather than vice versa.  Put another way: you can’t make an anorexic want to put on weight until he or she has begun to do so.  Put yet another way: the mind may make the body sick, but only the body can help the mind be well again.

It is essential that you firstly gain weight in order to fully recover as your mind will no be able to repair otherwise. So while weight restoration is an important factor in anorexia recovery, alone it does not constitute full recovery. You are not fully recovered from anorexia until you no longer have any of the following physical or emotional/behavioural symptoms. 

Symptoms 

By Mayo Clinic Staff

The physical signs and symptoms of anorexia nervosa are related to starvation, but the disorder also includes emotional and behavior issues related to an unrealistic perception of body weight and an extremely strong fear of gaining weight or becoming fat.

The Minnesota Starvation Experiment, also known as the Minnesota Semi-Starvation Experiment, the Minnesota Starvation-Recovery Experiment and the Starvation Study, was a clinical study performed at the University of Minnesota between November 19, 1944 and December 20, 1945. The investigation was designed to determine the physiological and psychological effects of severe and prolonged dietary restriction and the effectiveness of dietary rehabilitation strategies.

Physical symptoms

Physical signs and symptoms of anorexia may include:

• Extreme weight loss
• Thin appearance
• Abnormal blood counts
• Fatigue
• Insomnia
• Dizziness or fainting
• Bluish discoloration of the fingers
• Hair that thins, breaks or falls out
• Soft, downy hair covering the body
• Absence of menstruation
• Constipation
• Dry or yellowish skin
• Intolerance of cold
• Irregular heart rhythms
• Low blood pressure
• Dehydration
• Osteoporosis
• Swelling of arms or legs

Emotional and behavioral symptoms

Behavioral symptoms of anorexia may include attempts to lose weight by either:

• Severely restricting food intake through dieting or fasting and may include excessive exercise
• Bingeing and self-induced vomiting to get rid of the food and may include use of laxatives, enemas, diet aids or herbal products

Other emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms related to anorexia may include:

• Preoccupation with food
• Refusal to eat
• Denial of hunger
• Fear of gaining weight
• Lying about how much food has been eaten
• Flat mood (lack of emotion)
• Social withdrawal
• Irritability
• Reduced interest in sex
• Depressed mood
• Thoughts of suicide

Keep fighting everyone, and one day you will be free of all of these symptoms. Full recovery is possible as long as you believe that it is. Xx