Day 1: A letter to my anorexia

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,
Karly