Day 6: Write a letter to someone who has harmed you or made you feel bad

I dont feel comfortable saying who this letter is actually to as then I wouln't feel as though I could speak openly and honestly to them. All I will say is that it is a letter to someone who has been a big part of my life, which is why I have been so hurt through everything that has happened.

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Before I say anymore, I want you to remember that I love you very much . While our relationship has been broken for a long time, I still do appreciate everything you have done for me. We have had some really good times throughout my life and if we ever manage to fix our relationship, I promise I will be able to forget about all the hurt you have caused me. But until that happens, I simply can't forget as I can not risk having my heart repeatedly broken by you.

I know my illness has been hard for you to deal with but we had become disconnected a long time before that. Trust is something I value very highly and I find it really hard to be close to anybody I can't trust. There are only so many times someone can be lied to by a person before they start doubting everything they are told by that person. The day I stopped trusting you was probably the day you looked me in the eye and swore on my own life that you were telling me the truth, when I knew for a fact you were lying. 

I was about 12 when I started to realise you had a problem and I hated the way it was tearing our family a part. Being the perfectionist I was, I wanted the perfect family and the perfect life. As far as I was concerned, your problem was the only thing stopping this from happening which made it really hard for me not to resent you. We started fighting a lot and you resented me for the fact I resented you for your problem. I told you that we would never be close while you were the way you were but you still never changed. This made me feel as though you were chosing your problem over me.

I wanted to fix our family but had no control. I can see now that it was not my job to try and fix our family but I just wanted to have a good relationship with you and a happy family so much. I felt like you put a lot of pressure on me to succeed in everything I did but this was not fair. I feel like I worked so hard to please you but you you still wouldnt give me anything back. You werent willing to address your problem for me. 

My eating disorder started to develop and this just put more of a strain on our relationship. One day in a moment of weakness I reached out to you and told you I had been making myself sick. I was scared and wanted help but you did nothing. All you did was tell me "well you should stop" and you never said another word about it. I was shocked that you didnt want to help me and this just confirmed what I had always suspected, that I couldn't rely on you for help at the times in my life that I felt like I needed you most.

I can't help but wonder whether I would still have gotten as sick with anorexia as I did if you had done something when I told you about what I had been doing to myself. Perhaps if I had gotten on top of my eating disorder then I would not be where I am today, trying so hard just to fight for my life. Or perhaps I only told you because I knew deep down that you wouldnt do anything about it. Sometimes I wonder if you have something wrong with you that stops you from being able to care about me the way you should be able to. In a way, I wish that this was the case as I would rather your lack of care be due to something you couldn't control rather then you just choosing not to care for me. 

I will never forget the first day I spent at the childrens ward after being hospitalised for my anorexia. I didnt realise just how serious my physical condition was until I was hooked up to the heart monitor and had to be pushed to the toilet in a wheelchair. I was happy when you rang me as I thought you were worried about me, it turns out you just wanted to make sure I had all my school books with me so I could keep studying, so my school marks wouldn't be effected. 

Once I was sick you took every opportunity to remind me of what I had given up through my anorexia and about how I had lost sight of what was truly important. No matter what I said I couldn't convince you I wasn't chosing to be sick. You yelled and screamed at me to try and get to me to eat but this just made me feel more awful about myself. Your hurtlful words made me feel unhappy and depressed and made recovering seem even harder.

I still try and be nice to you from day to day but I have put up an invisible baracade between us to protect myself from your hurt. Every time I have ever fallen for your promise that things would be different, that you wouldn't hurt me again, it never lasted long. Sometimes it would only be a matter of days before you had rebroken my heart and left me feeling betrayed again. 

I hope that one day we are able to mend what is broken between us but until then, I already have enough people in my life who are able to love and care for me unconditionally. 

Karly

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