Growing up with an alcoholic parent

While everything I have ever written on my blog is absolutely true, there is a part of my life that I have not shared with you all up until now. I have not felt comfortable talking about this particular issue on my blog before but now I feel as though I need to in order to be able to fully express my thoughts and feelings. Afterall, one of the main reasons I started my blog was so that I could let everything out that I have had to bottle up for years.

For the last decade or so my mum has been an Alcoholic which has put a huge strain on our entire family. I was probably 11 or 12 when I started to realise that mum drank a lot and while I didnt like her drinking all the time, it didnt bother me that much as she was still a really good mum. In 2007 I went on a one month roadtrip around Australia with my family and I noticed that mum and dad drank every single night we were away. Dad would have a few beers after a long hot day driving and mum would drink too. When we got back from our holiday, dad stopped drinking but mum didn't and I honestly dont know if she has had a single day since then that she hasnt had a drink.

As I got older I needed mum more then I ever had before but I didnt feel as though she was there for me. Usually she had already started drinking by the time I got home from school each day and it was impossible to have a conversation with her that actually made sence or that she would remember the next day. She became very defensive and secretive about her drinking so we never actually saw her drinking but we could tell by her behaviour that she had been and we could also smell it on her breath. My mum wouldnt get as drunk during the week but she would still drink enough so that she was nasty and argumentative. She would get very drunk every weekend which made me embarrassed to have friends over as I knew they would be able to tell. My mum would also be the drunkest person at every party or family get together we ever went to which was also very embarrasing. She would drink so much that she would be unable to stand up straight or even walk.

The relationship between mum and I has been strained ever since she has been an alcoholic. I remember arguing with mum so much, usually while she was drunk begging her to stop drinking but she never did. So many times she made the promise to me that she would stop drinking but it never lasted. Sure enough the next day she would always be back drinking as usual. This broke my heart time and time again as I honestly felt as though my mum was choosing alcohol over me and my family. She knew how much pain she was causing us but all that mattered to her was drinking. Something that also hurt me a lot was all of the lying. I cant forget all the times that my mum has looked me in the eye and sworn on my own life that she hadnt been drinking when I knew for a fact that she had. How was I supposed to respect and look up to someone who I couldnt trust at all.

While I dont blame my mum for my eating disorder, I do believe that her alcoholism contributed to it. As we are all aware, anorexia generally develops when an individual feels as though they have no control. My mums alcoholism is something that made me feel incredibely anxious over the years and is something I always felt was completely out of my control. I couldnt fix my mum like I wanted to and being the perfectionist I was, I couldn't handle this. I hope one day I will be able to have a better relationship with my mum but sadly I dont think that this is possible while she is still drinking. I have tried to help her to stop drinking but it is almost as if she doesnt have the strength to not drink and therefore just gives in everytime she gets a craving. I feel sorry for mum as I know that it is hard to overcome an addiction, just as it is to overcome a mental illness like anorexia but she needs to want to get better. She needs to be willing to push herself through a little pain to beat her addiction and at the moment, she just isnt willing to do that.