Day 27: tell us a story about yourself in the midst of your eating disorder. It can be positive or negative.

I have been thinking really hard about what story to share with you all but I honestly had no idea about what I should write. I have already talked a lot about both negative and positive moments from throughout my anorexia journey so I have decided to talk about the first time I ate pizza after developing anorexia, since it is what I had for tea tonight with Amy (as you can see in the photos below).

It was not long after I had my first breakthrough (almost two years ago) and decided that I needed to change the way I was living if I wanted to survive. I had only eaten vegetables every night for about 6 months, so was looking forward to eating something different but I was obviously also completely terrified. I dont know what made me tackle such a terrifying food so early on in my recovery, but I am glad I did it anyway as it showed me that I could eat fear foods without anything extremely terrible happening.

I remember waiting by the oven as my mini pizza cooked. It was a round frozen mccains supreme flavoured pizza and I remember everything about it as if I only ate it yesterday.  I remember feeling extremely guilty for thinking about how good it smelt but I was convinced I was going to let myself eat it and I did. It tasted delicious after all of the boring and tasteless food I had been eating but I couldnt really enjoy what I was eating as I felt so guilty.

I dont even know if I got any sleep that night as my anorexia was screaming at me so loudly but I had done all I needed to do. I had eaten pizza, something I believed I would never be able to do again. Once I showed myself I could do it once, I knew that I could do it again. Since then I have eaten pizza many times and now I can actually enjoy it, without feeling very much guilt at all.

Amys pizza is on the left, mine (on the right) was the same but I added some extra toppings

Amy trying her hardest to 'photo bomb' the picture