Another busy day today

Today is going to be another long and busy day. At about 6:30 am (in 1.5 hours)  I have to start driving to Launceston as I have yet another training day today. This one will go even longer than the last one though. This one goes from 9am to 5pm so it will be a long 2 hour trip back home for me tonight travelling in the dark and the cold.

I hate travelling at night as there is always the risk of wildlife running out in front of your car and doing damage to your car. I will also be driving some of the way in the dark this morning but I am hoping that the road wont be icy and slippery as it was a really windy night last night and ice only usually settles on the road when it is still.  

I feel as though I am in desperate need of a rest. I am on my 7th working day straight today and tomorrow will be day 8th working day without a rest. I am so looking forward to this weekend and plan to do as little as possible. Lots of episodes of heart of dixie will be watched and I will also try and get lots of blog posts written.

Something that amazes me is how fast some other people seem to be able to write blog posts. They seem to take me anywhere up to an hour or so to put a post together which is why it can be difficult to write as many posts as I would like to, especially when I am working all the time.

I like to write atleast 3 blog posts per day so it will be good if I write some extra blog posts this weekend to use throughout my work week when I don't have as much time to write. Please feel free to share any tips or hints about how you manage to fit blogging into your busy lives if you have your own blog :)

I had planned a relaxing weekend in with Amy this weekend however my mum said that Amy wasn't allowed to come to my house this weekend for the night which is really annoying. I don't know exactly why mum doesnt want Amy to come to my house but I do know that mum does not have Amy's best interests at heart.

Amy has asked to come to my house as she knows that at my house she gets a real break from everything that is going on att home and I think that for mum to deny her of this for her own sellfish reasons is wrong. I will make sure I go and atleast visit Amy and get her out of the house for a while, even if she cant come for the night.

I am feeling a little nervous about driving in the city agan, especially since it will most likely be dark by the time I leave tonight however I know I just need to keep calm and BREATHE. I know I can do it. I have done it before and I can do it again. I just need to believe in myself. Have a great day everyone :) x

Weigh in Wednesday

I can' believe it is Wednesday once again. And it is the 1st of july! The weeks and months are just flying by so fast, the year wll be over before we know it. I weighed myself this morning to find that I have gained a little weight (300g) which I suppose is better than nothing as it shows that the extra food I have been eating has made a bit of a difference. So this week I just plan to continue doing wat Ihave been doing and fingers crossed I keep gaining a bit of weight.

I do not mind that the rate I am now gaining weight is slower then I was gaining weight as I am now getting closer and closer to reaching my healthy natural set point and I know that I am no longer dangerously underweight. So if I just continue to take my weight gain slow and steady from now on I think it will be for the best as it allows me to adjust to the weight gain more comfortably and will still allow me to eventually reach my desired healthy weight.  

Even though I am eating much more then the average person would, I know that my body still needs every bit of energy I am giving it. In recovery it is easy to think that we are 'eating too much' but we always need to try and remember that this certainly isn't the case. The fact that I stopped gaining weight whilst eating 3000 calories tells me that my body was using every bit of that energy for repair and everyday functioning. 

Also, I always know when it is meal time without looking at a clock as my stomach starts screaming out for more food. I get so hungry before each meal which I know is my bodies way of telling me that it needs more energy. So don't feel guilty for the recovery amounts of food you are eating, instead feel happy that you are giving your body exactly what it needs. The amount other people are eating really doesn't matter. Just concentrate on yourself and your own needs.

I am finally feeling completely healthy again as my runny nose and sick feelings have both completely passed. Something that truly amazes me is how wonderful my immune system now is, now that I am eating so much and looking after my body so well. Even when I get something like a cold, I barely even know it's there as my immune system must just fight it off before it makes me sick. 

I feel so strong and alive now that I am giving my body what it needs and even though I have been working so much lately, I have still had all the energy I require to get through each day.  I am working at the supermarket with my mum this morning which should be interesting. I will let you all know how it goes. Have a good day everyone. I am going to make myself breakfast, my stomach tells me it is breakfast time! ;) 

Just another Saturday

It has been a lot warmer over the last few days which has been really nice although I havent really had any chance to enjoy it as I have been working so much :(. It's ok though as I dont mind working that much, its just that I get really tired very easily. I just neeed to remember to always eat the right amount and to get as much hsleep as possible so that I have enough energy to keep going.

I am still feeling nauseous all day everyday which is quie strange as I have no other symptoms of a stomach virus. Since thinking about what may have aused mmy nausea, I have decided it is most likely due to the fact that I have stopped taking my contraceptive pill. Afterall, I have been on it for 3 years so my body is probbly juts trying to adjust now that I am no longer taking it. I hope that this sick feeling soon passes however as it really isn't very nice.

I am now starting to question whether or not I made the right decision to take myself off of my pill. The only reason I was on n in the first place is because my doctor thought it may have made my periods less painful and it would also make my skin clearer but I honestly dont think that going on the pill helped either of these things. Now atleeast I will be able to tell whether or not my body is healthy enough for me to have my perios naturally or not.

Luckily, although I am feeling sick all the time I am still managing to get through all of my meals. I always feel especially sick after my meals but I know that I need to eat my full intake amount each day, regardless of this. When I got home from work today I made myself a yummy tea of fish fingers with tomato sauce and  mashed pottato, peas, carrots, pumpkin and broccolli.

After tea Itook Tess for a walk out in the dark and as Iwalked I talked to my little sister on the phone. I try to ring Amy most days as I like to hear that she is ok, as otherwise I find myself really worrying about her. She seemed happy enough which is good although I don't think things are very good at home at the moment :( At least she knows that I am here for her if she ever needs me.

I have been up since about 4 am this morning so am feeling exhausted after a long day at work. Since I have already had dessert, I think I will just go to bed now and try and get some sleep. Goodnight Everyone. I hope that you are having a wonderful weekend <3 xx

Personal post

I took Tess for a walk this morning at 7:30 however it was still very icy and only 3 degrees celcius, so I was freezing. There was thick ice all over my car so I had to get a bucket of water to poor over my windows before I left to go to work so that I could actually see where I was going. Once again I had a really good day at work and my anxiety levels were extremely good. I still donr really know why my anxiety is improving so much but I just think that I am starting to become more confident and trust myself more.

For some reason I didn't feel right driving straight past my parents house tonight on my way home from work and since I was going to be getting home late anyway, I decided to stop for 10 minutes to see my dad. For some reason I have been missing my dad a lot lately and honestly just felt like giving him a hug and I also wanted to make sure he was going to be at home on Sunday so that I could go and have a proper visit with him. When I got back to my house I found a letter from my nan saying that she had taken Tess for a walk this afternoon, just incase I didn't have enough time to do it tonight.

My first thought was that I would still take Tess for another walk anyway but I knew deep down that this was my anorexia talking, not the real me. Afterall it was late, freezing cold and I already had lots to do at home. I certainly was not gong to enjoy the exercise and Tess didn't need it so the only reason I wanted to go was to make my anorexia happy. Once I recognised this, I knew that I could not go for a walk as this would mean giving into my anorexia and listening to it which would only set me back in my recovery. Once again I felt anxious due to not going for my walk but I just see this of an indication that progress in my recovery is being made.

I am so happy that it is finally Friday night which means two days off! Well, its not exactly two days 'off' as I have lots to do over the weekend but atleast I dont have to go to work!:). My sister Amy is coming first thing in the morning and I am driving her to her dance class which is about 45 minutes away from where we live. Then Amy will stay the rest of the day and also the night. We dont have any plans yet but I am sure we will find something to do. I will take Amy home sometime on Sunday and have a nice visit with my dad while I am there. Over the weekend I also have LOTS of clothes to wash (like three loads) and get dry, I need to vacuum and tidy the house and mow the grass outside my unit.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone! :)

My day

Today I have had a relatively good day. I woke up at my usual 4:00 am this morning but was feeling completely energized and ready to start a new day. I knew the moment I opened my eyes that I was going to have a good day as I was feeling so happy and positive. Even when I weighed myself and saw that my weight had jumped significantly since my last weigh in, I was determined to stay positive. As soon as I got up I read some posts, wrote a blog post and then watched an episode of Hart of Dixie while I ate my breakfast.



It rained most of the night last night but luckily it had completely stopped this morning so I took Tess for a nice walk to the beach. One of the things I love about the town I live in is that there is farmland, bushland and beach all together so going for walks is always really beautiful and you never get bored of the scenery as it varies so much. I seemed to have plenty of time this morning before work so it was nice not to have to rush around getting ready. I even had enough time to cook my tea for tonight, so all I had to do when I got home was heat it up.

I really enjoyed working today and talking to all the customers. Something I love about working in customer service is that even when you are not initially in a great mood, through being polite, happy and bubbly for the customers, it actually makes you truly feel that way. Its a bit like the saying, 'If you tell yourself something often enough, you start to believe it.' Its as if through forcing a good mood and puttting on a smile, even if it is fake, eventually it becomes effortlless and natural. So I stayed in a really good mood all day.

I also felt 100% confident while I was working and had basically no anxiety which is amazing for me. Although my anxiety is never anywhere near as bad at the supermarket as it is when I work at the bank, I still do usually worry a fair bit whilst I am working at the supermarket. I usually just worry that I may accidently give incorrect change or over charge someones credit card or something like that, but today I did not have these thoughts at all. I think my problem is just that I don't have any confidence or faith in myself and my capabilities. I am really hopeful that as my confidence grows, my anxiety will also improve as I will stop doubting everything I do.

After work it wasn't raining so I took Tess for a really quick walk before having my tea. It is raining again now though which is really good. We are always in desperate need of water where I live and all of the farmers, including my family, rely a lot on the rain so that there is enough feed for our livestock. Unfortunately we often suffer from droughts where there is not enough feed or water for our animals. It is terribely sad to see animals starving in front of your eyes but there really isn't very much you can do, besides prey for rain.

For Dessert/supper tonight I had a tin of vanilla creamed rice, 1 custard tart and some grapes. I have a real sweet tooth so always really enjoy dessert, even if it does make me feel anxious or guilty afterwoods. Sometimes I worry that I may eat too many 'sugary' or 'unhealthy' foods, but these are the foods I really enjoy. I do not know if my diet would necessarly be considered healthy for a 'typical person,' but at the end of the day, someone recovering from anorexia does not really classify as a typical person. I think that as long as I eat lots of fruit and vegetables as well, it is ok for me to eat icecream, chocolate, cakes and puddings everyday too.

I hope that everyone else had a good day too! :)

A surprise from Mum

When I got back from walking Tess this afternoon, a surprise was waiting for me on my kitchen bench. Mum had dropped off a little yellow canary for me, that she has given me as a new pet. 

I wasn't really expecting it but I thought it was really nice of my mum to think of getting me a little bird and surprising me. The next thing I have to do is name it so if any of my readers have an idea about what I could call it, I would really appreciate it! I dont know if it is a male of female so any name would be fine!

Thank god i'm a country girl

While my life hasn't always been easy, I still loved my childhood. I have lived on farms my whole life and the country will always be a huge part of me, no matter where I end up. When you grow up on a farm your family is your everything. You dont have neighbours or friends to hang around with, you only have one another to rely on for company. I would spend hours and hours playing with my brothers and getting to do lots of wonderful things that city kids simply wouldn't be able to experience.

We would spends hours and hours playing hide and seek in the huge hay shed, fishing in the creek and riding our bikes. As we got older we began riding motorbikes as well as driving the ute which was good fun as well. We always had amazing animals and pets like lots of orphan lambs and calves, dogs, joey kangeroos, rabbits, goats, horses, birds, chooks and more. It was impossible to get bored and our childhood was literally just one huge adventure.

When you live on a farm you need to be responsible even as a young child. Something as simple as leaving a gate open could reslult in something terrible and you always need to be aware of all the dangers on a farm. We knew better then to go in the Bulls paddock or to walk through long grass on a hot day incase there were snakes. Even something like walking too close to a mob of sheep with newborn lambs could result in separating lambs from their mothers and the lambs dying.

As kids we loved nothing more then riding on the back of the ute through the bumpy paddocks. Even now Inztill think that nothing beats the feeling of the wind in your face as you look over the beautiful land you love so much.

This is me as a very young girl feeding one of our orphan lambs. Usually we would bottle feed lambs if their mothers had abandoned them.

Me and my brothers playing on dads four wheeler motorbike. We were very close as kids as we relied on one another for company. We obviously werent old enough to drive it ourselves in this picture but dad often took us for trips out on the farm

This is JoJo the baby Pademelon wallaby my brother bought home for me. I spent every minute of everyday with this little guy while I was at my sickest and sometimes I think he is the only thing that kept me going. It broke my heart when he got too big and I had to release him.

This is me with my horse Lucy. She was a gorgeous old horse but sadly she died only about 6 months after I got her.

This is me and Tess at our favourite swimming hole.

This photo was taken after an early morning fishing out in the bay. I am holding a crayfish and a flathead.

Luckily all of the farms I have lived on have been really close to the beach so we have always been able to enjoy being on the beach and the land. 

While I have no idea where I could end up in the world, my heart will always be in the country. I enjoy listening to country music as I can relate to what is behind the songs. Lee Kernaghan is an Australian country music artist who I love listening to as he is able to explain the special bond with the land that country people have better then anyone else I know. The chorus of one of his songs 'The way it is' goes like this;

its the way it is, its the way it goes

when my wheels hit the gravel road it feels like home

its the way of life, its the life i live

and im right where i want to be

Thats the way it is