Yoga Mindfullness

Not only do I really enjoy yoga and find it physically beneficial, but I also find it mentally beneficial as well. Last night whilst at yoga our instructor said something quite amazing while we were 'looking into our hearts' She said;

The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are,

The second greatest is being happy with what you find.

I thought that this was an amazing message as well as message that is very true. Finding out who you are is important and difficult in life, but so is accepting who you are. To me, being 'happy with what you find' means to trully accept yourself, as the person you are supposed to be. I believe that this means accepting who I trully am, both on the inside and he outside too. 

While I have been trying hard to accept the person I am supposed to be in regards to the way I look and my body, I have not really been working on accepting myself, in the ways that matter most. I now realise that I also must learn to accept myself for my personality and for the type of person I am. Afterall, it was not only my body that I have grown up to hate, it was the rest of me as well. 

So for me, my journey for recovery, health and happiness will not only involve learning to accept myself for what is on the ouside, but also for what is on the inside too.

Feeling younger then my age

I have always been quite immature for my age and I still think I am now. When I say immature, I do not mean silly or irresponsible, as I have always been the complete opposites of these things. What I mean is just that I have generally not done what everyone else my age seemed to do and I believe that this has been due to lacking confidence in myself.

For example I never had boyfriends when I was younger like many of the other girls my age did and I did not wear make up. I didnt ever go to parties or drink alcohol or anything like that until I turned 18 and even since turning 18 I have only done this on a few rare occasions.

Since developing anorexia, I do not feel as though I have matured at all and I suppose I really havent as you mature through having life experiences and due to my anorexia, I have missed out on having these. I still feel exactly the same as I did when I was 15 or 16 and dont expect this will change until I recover and start living life the way I should be living it. In saying this however, I think I am just as strong or stronger than most people my age, because of the battle I have had to fight over the last few years.

Growing up I was always too frightened to do things like dancing at discos or having boyfriends as I was so frightened I would do something wrong and embarrass myself. If only I had of had the confidence growing up that most other people had, I would have been able to do these types of things and enjoy myself, instead of being too frightened to do anything.

Even now, the thought of having a boyfriend frightens me as I would be scared of doing something wrong and because I am so self conscious, which is exactly why I am going to wait for a wonderful and understanding guy who wont judge me or make me feel self conscious. I dont want to have a relationship with anyone who won't accept me for who I am or who will expect me to change who I am for them.

I also think that I have also been reluctant to grow up as I am holding on to the parts of my childhood, that make me feel safe. Growing up in this world can be scary at times, even more so for someone who suffers from anxiety and clinging to the things that make us feel comfortable and safe in really quite understandable if you think about it.

Does anyone else ever feel as though they have always been slightly 'immature' for their age due to their lack of confidence and also due to suffering from an eating disorder? I do not think that this is a terrible thing as lots of the things that more confident people do I would not want to do anyway, however this is just something I quite often find myself thinking about.

More about me

After asking what it was that everybody wanted me to write about, someone kindly suggested that I publish more personal posts so that everyone can get to know me and my personality more. So every few days I plan to write a post that will help you all get to know more about me. I can see why you want to know more about me, as this allows you to better undertand everything else I write.

I suppose the reason I havent written many posts like this is the past is because im still not very good at being the centre of attention if that makes sense. I have always put others first and find it hard to believe that anyone would want to read about me and my life. But I promise I will try to start doing more of this now. Afterall, while I like to try and help others through my blog, my blogging also needs to be about me. I need to think of  my own recovery as my first priority and helping others as an added bonus.

Writing these types of posts will be a good exercise for me as it will show me that it is ok to put myself first and share my personality with others. Even now as I am trying to think of ideas, nearly everything that comes to mind, I find myself disregarding as I believe readers just wont want to hear about me. Thats what blogging is about though. If you didnt want to read about me, I guess you wouldnt be reading my blog in the first place.

So I am sorry if my personality has been lacking a little in past posts, it is literally just due to my poor self confidence. Thank you all for continuing to read my blog each day even though I know its not perfect. I am still new to blogging and am still learning what works and what doesnt so please, I appreciate all the constructive critisism I can get and will never take it offensively.

 

Writing about myself and my personality wont be easy for me so if any one has any particular questions or post themes they want me to write about please help me get the ball rolling and comment them for me to see. :)