Enjoy your life NOW

Developing an ED is not your choice, but recovery is

While developing anorexia or any eating disorder is not something you choose, you must choose to recover, in order to do it. You have probably heard this said before however I believe that this is an incredibely important point to make. Firstly, your eating disorder is not your fault. You didn't choose to develop it and you definetely should not feel guilty for developing it. Just as a person should not be blamed for having cancer or another illness, you also should not be blamed for having an eating disorder.

Many people who do not properly understand eating disorders may fail to realise that you did not choose to get sick. I know that this was the case for my mum and she constantly made me feel awful about the fact that I had Anorexia. She would often remind me of everything I had given up because of my anorexia and about how I had thrown my life away. It is important that if people treat you this way, you do not believe what they are sayiing as this will jut make you feel more awful about yourself. 

I found recovery was even harder when I believed what my mum was saying as this caused me even more guilt and anxiety, which made my anorexia worse. It also made me hate myself more then I already did, which made me feel as though I didnt deserve to get better and that I was a bad person. In the end I stood up to my muum and told her that my eating disorder was not my fault and that I didn't choose to develop it. I still dont think that my mum really believed what I had said but the most important thing was that I was starting to believe it.

I think that realising this was really important as it made me feel less guilty and allowed me to stop hating myself quite as much. For a while after realising this however, I almost used it as an excuse to stay sick which I know was also wrong. Even when was I was doing something that I knew was incredibely unhealthy or wrong, I would reassure myself that it was ok as it was not my fault I was sick. This removed any guilt that I may have otherwise felt and therefore made listening to my anorexia incredibely easy.

Even though developing your eaating disorder was not your choice, you still should no use this as an an excuse to not fight your anorexia and get better. There really is no magic cre for anorexia and it cant simply go away on its own. You really must hoose to fight in order to recover. Whenever I am feeling particularly anxious aboutt any recovery steps I may be taking, I always remind myself that recovery is not supposed to be easy. Chances are, if you aren't feeling atleast a little bit anxious or uncomfortable, then you are not actually making recovery progress. 

In order to recover and live the wonderful life you truly deserve to live, you need to choose recovery, just like I have done. Another important point to make is that you will not only need to choose recovery once, you will have to keep choosing it, every single day. Simply deciding that you are going to try and recover does not mean tthat you are actually recovering. I claimed to be recovering over a period of 12 months or so before I actually trully entered my recovery. Although throughout that period I wanted to get better, I did not gain any weight at all and was not actively fighting my anorexia at all.

Please choose recovery. You are the only person who can do it and your life really does depend on it. I know it seems impossible but I promise you it isn't. It is painful at times but you are strong enough to get through it and the ife you can have once you are recovered will make all of the pain worth while. Getting sick was not somethig you chose to do but getting better is something you need to choose. All you need to do is elieve in yourself and you can make anything happen!  

 

Stop comparing yourself to others

While I was developing anorexia, I would compare myself to others all the time. I got so bad at comparing myself to others that I no longer wanted to go anywhere or even watch television as I would look at the people I saw and instantly compare them to myslef and feel so awful if I was bigger then them. 

When I got really thin due to my anorexia, I actually stopped comparing myself to others as much as I almost never saw anyone thinner then me, even whilst watching television or reading magazines. I have made a promise to myself that as I continue to gain weight I will not get into the habit of constantly comparing myself to others again.

Afterall, what is the point in this. All that matters is that I am happy with my body and that it is healthy. Who cares if someone else is thinner then you? They may be naturally thinner or they could be suffering from an eating disorder. This is no reason for me to try to lose weight. Our hapiness in life really should not be determined by how much we weight or what size jeans we wear.  

Something that really scared me about going into recovery is that once I had recovered, I knew that I would no longer be the skinniest girl in the room anymore. This worried me as I was so scared that I would begin to compulsively compare myself to others and feel awful aboout what I saw. 

I know that I am no longer always the skinniest girl in the room anymore but you know what, I am ok with that.  Because I am healthier and hapier then was when I was the skinniest girl in the room and I am happier with how I look now too. I know that being skinny really is not important and I am determined to keep believing this.

I found the following video online and thought it was really helpful. If the video won't work, follow the link and check it out! :) x

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GU87QNOqceU

Why I can't study

Lately, alot of the posts I have been reading have been from other bloggers who are studying either at school, college or university. As I read about what others are doing in terms of studying, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure as I wasn't able to continue studying. While I always did well at school, studying is not something that is good for my health and happiness which are what I should be focusing on right now. As a perfectionist, my body is not the only thing that I always wanted to be perfect. I also expected to perform perfectly academically. Through out college and also while I was at university I got wonderful results but this was not due to natural ability. It was due to me spending every minute of every day studying.

Last year I started university in a challenging Bachelor of Biotechnology and medical research course. I loved what I was learning and I got high distictions and distinctions in all of my units but I was very unhappy. I had no balance in my life and would feel extremely guilty if I ever did anything except for study. I stopped going to my lectures as I preffered to stay home and work through the recordings. This meant that I could take more detailed notes. It would take me atleast two and a half hours to get through a 45 minute lecture and I had like 12 lectures a week to get through so obviously this took up alot of my time. I also had 4 three hour laboratory practicals that I was required to attend on campus at the university each week. Besides this I obviously had assignments and tests/exams to study for as well.

I was so obsessed with studying all the time that I even did voice recording of me reading out notes so that I could listen to them when I went for a walk each day as otherwise I would feel too guilty about stopping studying for a hour or so. I would wake up at 5:30 everyday and study from 6:00 am until like 10:00 each night. I was absalutely miserable and barely had any contact with other people at all. I was living at a university 'college' where I had my own tiny room with shared bathroom and kitchen facilities but I barely ever left my room. I had to move to a city to go to university but never made it home to see my family as I always felt as though I had too much studying to do. I suppose it was a combination of both my anxiety and perfectionism that made me take such an extreme approach to my studies.

Occasionslly after a full day of studying on the weekends I would reward myself with watching a movie before bed and at my meal times throughout the day I would always stop studying to watch a little bit of television to give myself a little break but I really didn't have a life. I barely enjoyed these breaks I would give myself though as I would feel guilty for not studying the whole time. I wasn't really losing weight but I was underweight and had lots of anorexic thoughts and behaviours. I was extremely lonely and unhppy living that way and decided that I couldn't go on like that. I decided to try teaching as I knew I could do this university course completely online while living at home with my family. I thought that if I was living at home I would be able to have a more balanced life and I also thought that as Teaching is a less demanding course, I would have more time to to do other things besides study.

For a while I was happier doing my teaching course but eventually I found myself in the exact same position I was in earlier that year in the harder university course. I soon realised that it didn't make any difference what I was studying, I would still put the same amount of pressure on myself. I stayed in my room almost all day everyday studying, just like I had when I was living in the city studying and had no interests or hobbies besides my school  work. I ended up really depressed and unhappy and had a bit of a breakdown. I wanted my life to change but didn't know how I could make it happen. My parents both encourages me to keep going with university but the thought of living the way I was for another 4 yeas until I graduated made me feel sick.

I went to my local GP and explained to her how I was feeling and she said that it seemed quite obvious to her that I needed to stop studying. She explained to me that just because I was 'good' at studying, didn't mean I should stay doing it if it meant sacrificing my health and happiness. It was scary for me to be stopping doing university as I didn't really have any other plan about what to do with my life and had never considered not going to university to further my education while I was growing up. Originally, It had been my dream to study Veterinary Science at university which is one of the hardest courses, along with human medicine, to be accepted into. I guess that having such high dreams is what initially made me put so much pressure on myself in highschool so that I could become a vet.

I was actually accepted into veterinary science the year after I finished college, based on my college results but I decided not to accept the offer. I had only just been discharged from hospital a few months earlier and my mind was not in a good place. I would have needed to move to a whole new state which scared me and after working so hard in years 11 and 12, I didn't feel as though I could go straight back to studying so soon. I was now having doubts about whether Veterinary Science was actually what I wanted to do anyway so I decided to take a 12 month gap year so I could take some time to think about what it was I wanted to do with my life. I never even considered the prospect of not returning to university. Not because I desperately wanted to go to uni but more because I felt as though it was an expectation everyone had of me.

I was terrified to tell my parents my desicion and I was worried about dissapointing them but I couldn't continue living the way I was just to make them happy. My GP could see that I was worried about telling my parents my decision and offered to have a talk to my parents with me. She explained to them that I was not just giving up or choosing to stop studying, but that I was no longer capable of studying. We agreed that while it was possible I would be healthy enough to study sometime in the future, I simply could not cope with study at that time. So I did not complete the first semester of my teaching degree. It was now September 2014 and I decided to apply at university to do nursing the following year just so that I could keep my options open. I had been very interested in nursing ever since spending 6 weeks as an inpatient on the childrens ward and I was excited that it could lead to a career where I could help people suffering from eating disorders one day.

My parents weren't thrilled about my desicion to stop uni, especially my mum but I needed to start looking after myself. I started working at the local IGA full time which I knew did not have the best career outlook. I saw it as a temporary job that would allow me to earn some money while I thought about what to do next with my life. It was good for me to work as it got me out of the house and socialising with lots of people. I felt the happiest I had in a long time and started to look after myself better in regards to my eating. When I was acccepted into uni to do nursing, I hoped that I could do uni part time so that I could continue working as I thought that this would allow me to continue living in my home town and to have a healthier, more balanced life. Unfortunately part time uni was not an option for students enrolled in a bachelor of nursing.

I talked to my dad first and he instantly said that I wasn't ready to go back to uni and that it would be such a shame to see me unhappy again after me finally getting back on track. He said that I should deffer uni for another 12 months so that I could make sure I was ready before going back to studying. I really appreciated the fact that my dad was being so understanding and supportive and it made my desicion so much easier. I have so much respect for my dad and I would have found it very hard to not go along with his wishes if he had told me he though I should go straight back to uni. I explained the situation to mum and she was surprisingly understanding as well and was just happy that I had some type of plan for my future.

After working for a few months at the IGA, I was approached by a member of staff at the local community bank who told me about a job opening for a trainee. I was very interested as I thought that it could be the perfect job for me so I dropped my resumee into the bank. What excited me about this job is the fact that it would allow me to have a good career without having to study at university and without having to move away from my hometown. The bank were very impressed with my resumee and after a quick chat I was offered a traineeship with them which I accepted with no hesitation at all. While I still work a little bit at the IGA, I work three days a week at the bank. So far I am loving my job and still have so much to learn but I am becoming more confident everyday. I just need to remember to believe in myself and to try not let my anxiety take over which results in me doubting myself.

So while I may not be capable of studying at university right now, I am the happiest and healthiest I have been in a very long time which is great. I have just started a new job which will eventually lead to a great career, which allows me to stay in my hometown with my family for the rest of my life if that is what I wish to do. The option of studying will always be there in the future if  I ever feel as though I want to go back to university, but for now I am doing what is right for me.

For all of those getting stressed about their academic assesments at the moment, I want to say congratulations for having the strength to continue studying even though it is hard. As long as you believe in yourselves, I am sure you will be succesful in anything you put your mind and heart into. Im not encouraging you to give up when things get hard at all but always remember that there are other options besides studying. Studying is important and a great thing to do, but only if you are well enough to do it. If you are like me and can't cope with the stress of studying at this time of your life, don't feel guilty about considering a change from studying, sometimes you need to put your health and happiness first. The option to study will always be there in the future, when you are ready. :)