Differentiating your anorexic thoughts from your own

I speak a lot in my posts about how important it is to fight your anorexic thoughts but in order to do this, you must firstly be able to recognise your anorexic thoughts when they arise. I think that one of the reasons why fighting your anorexic thoughts can be so difficult is because you cannot always differentiate them from your own.

A great example of this is when I woke up early this morning and decided I would get ready and go for a walk. It wasnt until I was lacing up my shoes and that I actually asked myself why I was going for a walk, that I realised it was my anorexia that wanted to go. I had no other purpose to go for a walk and didnt particularly feel like going for a walk. I was simply only going because my anorexia wanted me to. The real me wanted to stay in my warm hotel room and relax before my training course started, so that is exactely what I did.

I think that the reason why it is so hard for us to differentiate anorexic thoughts from our other thoughts is because of how long we spent listening to our anorexic thoughts and how familiar they became to us whilst we were sick. Even if we think we are not giving into our anorexic thoughts, chances are we probably still are being influenced by our anorexic thoughts at times, without even realising it. So it is important that we learn to recognise whether it is our anorexia thinking or our true selves before letting our thoughts control decisions we make and how we act.

Similarily it can also be difficult to determine whether food or exercise options we make are genuine or whether they are actually only due to anorexic thoughts we have. For example when I ate my tea last night, I left the dressing off of my salad. I thought the salad tasted lovely with just lemon squeezed over it and I didnt particularly like the taste of the dressing but was this really the reason why I left it off. Or was I really just too frightened to put the dressing on the salad as I didnt want to add any more extra calories then the meal allready contained?

Another example of this is when I tell people I dont like the taste of most red meats and therefore barely ever eat them. How can I be sure that this dislike I have for red meat is genuine and that deep down I am not actually just letting my anorexia control me without even realising it. Perhaps it is still just a fear food from when I was at my sickest? I do eat red meat in dishes like casserole or even in pasta (like lasagna or spaghetti bolognais) but I hate the thought of eating roast beef, lamb or chops.

This shows that the first step to recovery is being able to recognise which thoughts are yours and which belong to your anorexia and I completely agree with it. You need to be able to recognise which thoughts you need to fight and which thoughts you can follow, which can be a very difficult task. I think it is a good idea to always stop and ask yourself why you have made the decision you have, before acting upon it. 

If the first reason that pops into your head is related to trying to lose weight, restrict your intake, prevent weight gain or to prevent making your anorexia angry, then the choice you have made is the wrong one as it was influenced by your anorexia. By following through with this decision you would be giving into your anorexia which is not good for your recovery and enables your anorexia to get stronger. If the first reason that pops into your head is genuine, then you know that the choice was not influenced by your anorexic thoughts and it is therefore ok to follow through with your desicion .

Another way of determining whether thoughts belong to you or your anorexia is by asking yourself how you would feel if suddenly, for some reason you couldnt follow through with the decision you had made for example to go for a walk. If your anorexic thoughts are what influenced your decision to go for a walk you will probably think something like this 'You really do need to go for a walk. If you dont go for a walk you will probably gain lots of weight as you have eaten so much today.' 

If you genuinely wanted to go for a walk however you will probably think something like this 'well it would have been nice to go for a walk as it is such a nice day but I guess it doesnt matter if I cant go.' There is an obvious difference between each response depending on whether the decision was initially based upon your true thoughts or your anorexias. 

This is still something I have trouble with myself, so I realise that this isnt necessarily the best advice. I just wanted to share my own experience of this problem and what has helped me to deal with this crucial step in the recovery process. If anyone else has any advice or tips about how you differentiate between healthy thoughts and anorexic thoughts I would love to hear about them. :)