I honestly dont really know how my weight gain makes me feel. Sometimes I feel both happy and disapointed all at the same time when I see I have gained weight. Similarily, sometimes I feel as though gaining weight is getting easier, the closer to becoming weight restored I get and other times I feel as though it is getting much harder.
Reasons I feel happy about gaining weight
Every time I see that I have gained weight, the real me is happy as Iknow that this means that I am getting closer to being weight restored and making a full recovery. Seeing that I have gained weight tells me that I have been successful in fighting my anorexia over that week and it is always a relief, knowiing that I do not have to increase my calorie intake any further.
Reasons I feel upset about gaining weight
When I step on the scales and see that I have gained weight, the anorexic part of me gets really unhappy and angry. Even the rational part of me gets upset as I know that any weight gain will act as fuel to the fire of my anorexia. Suddenly my anorexia has something to punish me for and I know tha tmy anorexia will use my weight gain to make me feel awful and guilty, whatever chance it gets.
Why it feels like gaining weight is getting harder
Obviously the closer I get to becoming weight restored, the more often I see differences in my body which can make me feel self conscoius and anxious. After being far to thin for so long, I have gotten so used to seeing myself tiny. So the closer I get to a healthy weight, the harder it is to continue gaining weight as I feel as though I have already gained enough (even though I know that deep down this is not the case).
Why it feels like gaining weight is getting easier
Like many things in recovery, the more you do something (like gain weight), the easier it seems. While the thought of gaining weight was more scary to me once than dying was, now I am much more comfortable about gaining weight and feel as though Ican deal with it quite well. The more progress I make in my recovery and the more weight I gain, the healthier my mind gets. As my mind gets healthier, my anorexic thought are no where near as overpowering and I can therfore cope better when my anorexia is angered by any weight gain I have had.
I think that one of the things that makes recovery so confusing is that there are literally two voices in our heads. There is a rational voice (or real voice) and there is our anorexic voice. What makes it even more confusing is the fact that we cant always determine which thoughts belong to us and which ones belong to our anorexia. Even though my anorexia still gets very angry sometimes and makes me feel guilt and anxius, I know that it is no where near as strong as it was when I was at my sickest and this has only come through fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter how painful it proved to be.
I remember writing something in my diary when I was in hospital that went something like this;
"It is so hard not to listen to something that is promising to make you beautiful, skinny and happy, especially when you feel so ugly, fat and disgusting."
No matter what my anorexia tries to tell me, I always try and focus as much of my attention as possible on what the real me is thinking. I know how hard it is to ignore your anorexic thoughts, when you are really sick as they can be incredibely convincing but you must try your hardest not to listen to them. If your anorexia is incredibely strong and you think that all of your thoughts are anorexic ones, perhaps you should stop listening to any of your thoughts at all for a while and just leave your recovery decisions in the hands of somebody else.
So if you are feeling confused about your thoughts, try not to worry about this as it is to be expected. You will most likely continue to have mixed feeling about everything until you make a full recovery and get rid of your anorexic thoughts once and for all.
I think that one of the things that makes recovery so confusing is that there are literally two voices in our heads. There is a rational voice (or real voice) and there is our anorexic voice. What makes it even more confusing is the fact that we cant always determine which thoughts belong to us and which ones belong to our anorexia. Even though my anorexia still gets very angry sometimes and makes me feel guilt and anxius, I know that it is no where near as strong as it was when I was at my sickest and this has only come through fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter how painful it proved to be.
I remember writing something in my diary when I was in hospital that went something like this;
"It is so hard not to listen to something that is promising to make you beautiful, skinny and happy, especially when you feel so ugly, fat and disgusting."
No matter what my anorexia tries to tell me, I always try and focus as much of my attention as possible on what the real me is thinking. I know how hard it is to ignore your anorexic thoughts, when you are really sick as they can be incredibely convincing but you must try your hardest not to listen to them. If your anorexia is incredibely strong and you think that all of your thoughts are anorexic ones, perhaps you should stop listening to any of your thoughts at all for a while and just leave your recovery decisions in the hands of somebody else.
So if you are feeling confused about your thoughts, try not to worry about this as it is to be expected. You will most likely continue to have mixed feeling about everything until you make a full recovery and get rid of your anorexic thoughts once and for all.
I can relate to what you say about being used to being so tiny and gaining weight feels so alien compared to what has become the norm. Xx
ReplyDeleteExactly Annie. But I know that gaining weight is what is best for me regardless of this. What is happening with your weight at the moment if you dont mind me asking? are you managing to gain any weight. Try to be strong gorgeous. You are such a beautiful and caring person. If only you could care for yourself as well as you care for others, I think that recovery would be easier for you. XX
DeleteI want to get to that point where you are at, where you know that gaining weight is what is best. I truly admire you for being able to get to that point! I gained weight in hospital, and it has been stable since leaving but I'm still very much in the anorexic category and I haven't gained any more because I simply cannot cope with it, although I'm desperate to get better. I think you're definitely right in that last sentence - it is so easy to advise and help others, but near impossible when it comes to yourself! Xx
DeleteI wish I could help you some more Annie. Do you follow a meal plan? Perhaps if you followed a meal plan for a while your mind wouuld be able to recover enough so that you can realise that gaining weight is the best thing for you. I really want you to beat this Annie but I worry so much that if you stay stuck where you currently are, you wont ever feel as though you are in the right state of mind to start fighting your anorexia. Is there anything I can do to help you? X
DeleteYou have inspired me to write a new meal plan and actually stick to it. I am planning to start it on Wednesday and I'm going to use you as my inspiration to really do it, so you are helping me so much in that sense! Thank you so much! Xx
DeleteI am so glad Annie, well done! Please let me now if you ever need any help! :)X I am tthe type of person who has always found it hard to do things that only benefits myself so perhaps you would find it easier to stick to recovery plans if you felt as though you were doing it to help others as well as yourself? That is what I do! :) x
DeleteAahh, I like that way of thinking because I am very much like that - I never do anything just for myself, it always has to be for others too. I'll have to have a think about this! Thanks lovely! Xx
DeleteYour welcome, I hope it works! <3
DeleteThis is a smart blog. I mean it. You have so much knowledge about this issue, and so much passion. You also know how to make people rally behind it, obviously from the responses. apetamin near me to gain weight
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Without my blog I honestly dont think I would have recovered so it is incredibly special to me. And if others can read it and get something out of it then that's just as important in my eyes!
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