Paranoia

While I was sick, I was incredibely paranoid about other people messing with my food and my thinking was also extremely irrational. Now that my mind is starting to get better, I can see how crazy and irrational the thoughts I was having were, but at the time, my anorexia could convince me of anything.

-I stopped drinking bottled coke zero as I was convinced that one of my family members had tipped out my coke zero and replaced it with real coke or swapped the labels.

-I wouldnt ever leave anything I was cooking unnattended as I was frightened that someone could add butter, oil or something else to it.

-While I baked quite a lot for my family to begin with, eventually I stopped baking as I was scared I may accidently breathe in icing sugar, flour etc which would mean consuming more calories. I would also hold my breath when I went into the kitchen if something unhealthy was cooking as I was scared of 'breathing in' the calories.

-I hated my food being in the same fridge or cupboard as other unhealthy foods as I believed that the unhealthy foods may somehow contaminate my food with calories.

-I also would not use the oven or microwave straight after someone else as I was frightened that my food would somehow be contaminated.

-Not only was I paranoid about the people around me, but I also didnt trust myself. I would freak out when I got half way through a meal as I was convinced I had made a mistake when weighing out the food.

- I would weigh the same piece of food up to ten times to make sure that the weight I had calculated was actually correct.

-I became very paranoid about the nutritional labels on food and believed that the numbers could be printed wrong, so I stopped eating most packaged foods.

Its really hard to try and stop being so paranoid when you are mentally unhealthy as at the time you dont actually know you are being paranoid. The paranoid thoughts you have whilst you are sick are so real to you, therefore you cant really try to stop thinking them. It isnt until you get better that you actually see how crazy and delusional your thinking was.