Realising that skinny doesnt equal happiness

Thinking back, I can see that my breakthrough moment was the moment I realised that being skinny did not make me happy. While my anorexia was developing, I was convinced that all I needed to do to make myself happy was to lose weight and be skinny. The more awful I felt, the more I would listen to my anorexia. My anorexia promised me that I would feel so much better if I listened to it and did exactly what is told me to do, so that is wat I did.

Before I got sick, I was very unhappy with many different aspects of my life and I felt as though I had no control over any of these things. I didn't feel like I could fix these things that were wrong with my life but I didn't want to keep feeling the way I was either. So I tried to find a way to make myself feel better, which is where my anorexia began. As I lost weight but still did not feel any better, I just kept thinking that I neeed to lose more and more weight, in order to find the hapiness I was so desperately wanting to feel.

After being severely underweight for 18 months or so, I realised that losing weight had not solved any of my problems, in fact it had made most of them worse. I finally decided to committ to my recovery because my anorexia was no longer what I wanted. Before that moment (although I would never had admitted to it) I didn't truly want to recover as I believed that gaining weight would make me even unhappier then I already was feeling. It was not until I realised that this was not the case that Ifelt as though I actually wanted to get better.

Since committing to my recovery, my anorexia still tries to convince me to restrict and lose weight but fortunately I know better then to do this. I know that losing weight will not solve any of my problems, it will only cause me and the people I love a lot of pain, so what is the point? My best chance at hapiness to is to amk a ffull recovey from Anorexia, too get competely healthy and to learn to love my body the way it is naturally supposed to be.

I cant expect to always be happy, even after I recover because no one is compltely happy all the time. I am confident however that I will never make the same mistake again and try and make myself feel better through controlling my food and weight because I know that this will not work. Unfortunately I learnt this lesson the hard way but the important thing is that I have learnt it. Once I get rid of my anorexia once and for all (and I know I will), I will never fall back into Anorexias trap as I now know that listening to my anorexia will never make anything better.