Trying to gain a healthy relationship with exercise

While recovering from Anorexia, I know that I do not only need to gain a healthier relationship with food, but with exercise too. When I finished work today and got home, it was raining so I did not think I would be able to take Tess for a walk, like I usually do. As soon as this thought entered my mind, I immediately started feeling very anxious which has made me think twice about how healthy me current relationship with exercise is. Although I have cut my exercise down significantly since getting serious about my recovery, I still do take Tess for 2 short (15-20 minute) walks each day.

When I was at my sickest, I went for a huge power walk every single day. It did not matter how terrible the weather was, I still felt as though I had no choice but to go for my huge walk. If I was unable to go walking for some reason, I would restrict my intake a lot to make up for using less calories. Even in the 18 months or so that I spent in my half recovered state, I still compulsively walked every single day. I always went walking early of a morning, as if this gave me the permission I needed to eat for the rest of the day. Besides my walking, I also spent as much time on my feet throughout the day that I possibely could and would feel guilty for resting.

My exercise issues have got much better through my recovery so far but tonight showed me that I am yet to gain a completely normal or healthy relationship with exercise. I felt guiltier eating my tea tonight then I have in a really long time and I know that this is only because I had decided not to take Tess for her usual evening walk. I even feel quite sick after eating my tea tonight, which hardly ever happens to me and I think that this is purely due to me feeling anxious about not doing as much exercise as I usually do.

When I finished my tea tonight, I walked outside to find that the rain had actually stopped. My anorexia was delighted, as it knew that I would now be able to take Tess for her walk but I knew that taking Tess would be the wrong decision, in terms of my recovery. I knw that the only way I will ever develop a healthy relationship with exercise is if I challenge by anorexia, by doing the complete opposite of what it wants me to do in regards to exercise. This is not easy always wasy for me as walking Tess is something I really need to do each day but I still plan to challenge my anorexia any chance I get (like tonight), in regards to the exercise I do.

My dessert: warm chocolate self saucing
pudding with vanilla icecream

I need to remind myself that just because I may not do as much exercise on any one day, this does not mean that I should intentionally eat any less. The extra energy cannot hurt me, especially whilst I am in recovery. Tonight I made sure I ate just as much as I usually do, despite the guilt I was feeling. By not restricting I know that I am fighting my anorexia and getting closer to becoming fully recovered.