How bad body image contributed to my eating disorder

My body image issues started long before I ever developed anorexia. When I was really young, I was really quite thin and I was therefore confident in my body. As I got older, the first thing I started to hate about myself was my bum. I hated it and thought that it was way to big and I soon started to feel this way about my legs too.

There was nothing unhealthy about my body at that stage and I was still thinner than most other girls my age. However I think that the reason I didn't like it, was because I would compare myself to my brothers who were both skinny. I wanted to have no bum and skinny thighs like they had but now I can obviously see that boys and girls are built differently and are not suppoed to look the same.

As I got even older and went through puberty I developed a real hour glass figure. I had a very thin waist, which probably indicates that I was in fact healthy however my breasts got bigger, as did my bum and legs. My legs were never really fat, however they were very musclar which I still hated. At first I did not let my insecurities bother me and I just continued to live normally.

Eventually however I felt so awful about the way I looked that I coldn't ignore the way I felt about my body anymore. When I was in year 12 at boarding school, my bathroom had a full length mirror in it so I would see my whole body before I got into the shower each day and I hated every part of it. I started to get acne which just made me even more depressed and self conscious and the only way I thought I could make myself happy was by losing weight.

I think lots of things contributed to my bad body image. I think it was partly due to the fact that Iam a perfectionist and therefore was not happy with my body as I didn't believe it was perfect, as well as the fact that Iwas at a very athletic school where everyone seemed to be a lot skinnier than me. The fact that the boys in my family constantly teased me about my weight also made me more self conscious and of course the media affected me also.

Knowing what I now know, I so desperately wish I could turn back time as I know that losing weight was not going to solve any of my problems. I was a perfectly healthy weight and had no need to lose any weight. The problem was not with my body, but the way that I felt about it. Instead of deciding to lose the weight I didn't like, I wish I had decided to instead put more energy into learning to accept and love my body, the way it was supposed to be.