After talking to mum for hours today and trying to get her to see that she has so many things to keep fighting for, I finally realised that no matter what I say, I cant help her to get better until she truly wants it and at the moment I really dont think that she does. In that respect it is a lot like anorexia, as you need to want to get better in order to actually find the strength you need to succesfully fight your illness.
When I talked to mum today, I wasn't nasty and I didn't say terrible things, I just told her that she is capable of getting better and that she does have so many wonderful things in her life worth getting better for, I also told her that she cant keep going on the way she currently is as she will end up getting really sick, losing her job or our family will be break up for good. She will lose my dad, the most wonderful man in the world and possibly even my little sister too and through all of that stress, her alcoholism will only get worse.
I have done nothing but think about my mum all day and this has made me incredibly anxious. I rang her this afternoon to check that she was ok but she wasn't very nice on the phone and I could tell she had been drinking. When I got off of the phone I felt physically sick and upset. I now realise that I cant make myself suffer through this any longer as it does have a negative impact on my own recovery.
As hard as it is, I need to be selfish and leave mum to try and get better herself as I cant help her and trying to help her only brings me down. The thing that upsets me the most is the impact that it is having on my little sister and my dad. All I can do is let dad and Amy know that I am always here for them if they ever need me but other than that, I just need to take a step back from my mum and just continue doing what is best for me and my recovery.
Eating tea tonight was incredibely hard as I was feeling upset and angry about what happened with mum today. This showed me just how much of an impact mum and my relationship has on my anorexia and also reminded me of why I failed to make any true progress in my recovery, until I moved out of home. I honestly hope with all my heart that my mum is able to get better but sadly I cant help her without hurting myself. I just hope she decides that she truly wants to get better before it's too lae and everything falls a part.
Karly, you are so right, taking care of yourself should be your number 1 priority, otherwise you will end up unwell and unhappy, and not only will this not benefit you or give you the happiness you deserve, but it will also hurt your dad and Amy, which I know that you don't want. Although it may feel like it, you are not responsible for placing together your family, and you shouldn't put that pressure on yourself. A sufferer cannot change or recover unless THEY want to recover, and it is so hard to watch someone suffer, but it is true that at the end of the day, only they can help themselves. I'm sure that your family knows that you care and how hard you have tried to help your mum, and they know that you are there for them, so try to be kind to yourself and see that you are a wonderful person that needs to put herself first and get better. Sending you lots of love, Laura xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your wonderful insight and understanding Laura. You have made me feel alot more confident about my decision to take a step back from trying to help my family, especially whilst I am trying to get better myself! <3 xx
Delete<3<3<3 thinking of you Karly xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much gorgeous. I hope you are doing ok <3 I will reply to your email asap. Xx
DeleteThinking of you so much <3 xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks Annie, for all of your support. If I can ever do anything to help you to recover please let me know. You are such a caring a kind person and you deserve to recover so much! <3 xx
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