Eating an unknown number of calories

Since I was working late tonight and it is so cold, I was planning on having a tin of hot soup as well as fresh bread and butter for tea. My nan came into the supermarket  while I was working to say that she had left me some homemade soup at my house for my tea. My instant thought was that I wouldn't eat it as I had no idea how many calories it would contain but of course I thanked her anyway. After my nan left, I started to think about how delicious the soup she had made sounded. 

This will probably freak you all out but it was actually Roo tail and vegetable soup (you may not realise but country people in Australia often eat kangeroo meat.) I had mixed feeling about what I should do. I could have either stuck to what I was confortable with, a tin of soup I knew the calorie content of or I could eat what my nan had made for me which I had no idea the calorie count of. I decided that this was a perfect opportunity for me to step out of my comfort zone and face one of my biggest fears. 

I got home and warmed the soup up my nan had made me while I buttered myself three slices of fresh wholemeal bread. The soup smelt delicious and tasted even better but I couldnt help but feel incredibely anxious. I had no idea if my tea had more or less calories then it usually would have had and this really scared me. I made myself feel a little better by rationalising with myself. I told myself that if I was eating a little less then usual (which I highly doubt) it was ok as it was only a one off. I also told myself that it did not matter if I ate more calories either, as the extra energy could not hurt me in anyway. 

While I cant eat meals like this too often in recovery as I need to make sure I am eating at least a certain amount of calories, it is still good for me to occasionally eat something made by someone else that I dont know the calorie content of. My anorexia hates it when I eat something with an unknown number of calories in it which means that doing this just creates another opportunity for me to fight my anorexia. Afterall, I believe you can only make progress in your recovery while you are actively fighting your anorexia.

Since my goal is to learn how to eat intuitively after I become weight restored, it is good if I can become a little more comfortable with eating food with an unknown number of calories in it now. I am hoping that if I am able to learn how to eat intuitively in the future, I will never have to count calories again in my life. To me, this would be a dream come true.