Another year almost over

I cant believe 2018 is coming to an end. It has been a huge year for me and although I have been faced with many challenges, I think I have managed to stay in top of things ok. I'm not going to lie to you all, there have been times when my eating disorder stuff has resurfaced and that has been hard but I have managed to maintain my weight and have tried to live my life to the fullest, in despite of this.

I started seeing a new guy in June and my life has been super busy since then. He is 10 years older then me although it doesn't really feel like it as he is pretty immature. Not in a bad way he just still likes to have fun and enjoy himself. He has 3 daughters and has been married before so it has been a lot to adjust to but I love spending time with his girls and helping look after them. He plays football and cricket so most weekends are spent driving around tasmania and watching him play but I dont really mind. I enjoy watching him play and also enjoy the socializing.

I have only got my semester results a couple of days ago but I was really happy with them. It was a full on semester as I was doing 4 units and attending uni in launceston atleast once a week, working in Swansea, living between Swansea where my sister is and Runnymede (an hour away) where my boyfriend lives. I wasnt expecting to do as well as I usually do as I have been so busy with life and have been looking after others like my sister and have also been struggling myself with eating disorder stuff but somehow I managed to overcome all that and still do well.

At the moment I am not feeling as though I am 100% good and recovered but I am definitely on top of things and feeling much better than I have at various stages throughout the year. I weigh more than I have in many years but actually really like my body. I am curvier then I have been for a long time but I dont see this as bad. It just makes feel womanly. But I have developed a fear of gaining weight again through weighing more I guess which plays on my mind a fair bit. For instance I have gone back to worrying about what I should eat and worrying that I have eaten too much and am going to gain weight, but I hope it is just a phase that will pass once I get used to being slightly bigger.

Since being so busy and spending more time down at my boyfriends place I have started exercising a lot less which has also been hard on me. However I think it has been good at the same time as it is not healthy to have a huge reliance on exercise in order to not feel guilty about eating food. I still go for walks sometimes though and hope to get back into a more consistent exercise routine as I do enjoy it and my sausage dog really needs to lose the extra weight she has gained over the winter since I have stopped walking her as much :p

I am looking forward to Christmas and summer this year and hope that it is onward and upward from this point as far as my eating dis ok rider goes. Yes I have come accross a bit of a hiccup in my recovery but I am determined to make it no more than that, a hiccup. I will not let it affect my physical health even if I am struggling mentally at times and I am not going to relapse as I know what I would be giving up and what I would be going back to and I dont want that at all. Finally, I would like to Send my love to everyone out there fighting an eating disorder or supporting a loved one with one <3 I know how hard it is but please dont give up on recovery, it really will be worth it!

My boyfriends nephew and myself

A selfie of myself in my work uniform

My boyfriend and I

Walking Maggie

That look :p

Me in my Swansea swans football jumper 

My semester 2 university results :D

Loving life

A lot has happened since last time I posted but I can honestly say I am currently happy and healthy and making the most of my recovered life! Just before Christmas last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. It was so hard  losing Nathan as he  was my best friend and the person I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with however it became evident that we wanted different things in life and unfortunately he just wasn’t capable of loving me as much as I loved him. So I accepted the fact that we needed to part ways and although it was incredibly difficult at the time, I can now see that it was the best thing for me! I moved home to Swansea with my dad and sister which was good timing really as my parents had separated not long before so I basically stepped up and took on the mother  role for my little sister. I also got a job waitressing at the local pub and made a plan to continue my university course from home in Swansea when classes commenced in 2018.

Everybody was so frightened that I would get sick again when I broke up with my boyfriend but I was determined to prove everyone wrong and made sure I continued eating well whether I felt like it or not. It took me months to stop feeling really sad everyday as I missed Nathan so much but it honestly has got so much easier! I have made some amazing friends here in Swansea which made the main difference  and love being home with my dad and sister. I have even mended me and my mums broken relationship and  have myself a new guy friend that I spend a fair bit of time with and care for a lot which has also helped me to move on from Nathan! It seriously would have been so easy to just fall back into bad habits when I was miserable and missing Nathan but I never skipped a meal no matter how terrible I felt and simply didn’t let my anorexia take advantage of my vulnerability. I new I needed to stay healthy and strong so that I could go on to live the life I deserved one day.

I am currently really happy with the relationship I have with food and have even gained a few kilo since moving home which has been good for me (probably due to all the socializing I have been doing which typically involves drinking alcohol and eating out with friends at restaurants)! I have also become relaxed enough around food just to graze on things that are laying around the house without worrying about the calories they contain or how much I have eaten each day. I no longer go to a gym which is something I was doing a lot of before I moved back home to Swansea but I can honestly say I like my body more now then I did before I gained these last few kilos! I feel more womanly and confident in my own body and still manage to stay active between walking my dog around Swansea and also waitrssing which is surprisingly an incredibly active job! I have been managing to balance my home,work, social and uni lives pretty well. 

I did find myself feeling quite rundown and exhausted over the last couple of weeks and I was suffering from quite heavy nose bleeds and headaches. I went to the doctor and had some blood tests which revealed I had become iron deficient and anemic so I had an iron transfusion a couple of days ago and am already starting to feel better! From now on I just need to make more of an effort to eat more red meat and monitor my iron levels to make sure they don’t fall low again. As well as everything else I am already juggling I have just bought a horse and joined a netball team so I am about to be even busier if that is even possible, so I can’t afford to be feeling drained or unwell! I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling strong and positive as I have a bit of uni to catch up on during the day and then have to work tomorrow night. Anyway so better go to sleep now and I just want to remind everyone that no matter how hard recovery may seem, I promise it is worth it! 

Stay strong and keep fighting, 

Karly XX