Saturday update + todays meals

Amy and I had a nice relaxing morning this morning. She always shows a lot of interest in my blog and was really excited when I asked her if she wanted to write a post to publish on my blog. She wrote most of it while I was out walking Tess this morning and I helped her edit it when I got back. It made me sad to see how much my anorexia has effected her but also grateful that she loves me so much despite my illness. Amy and I are incredibely close and I dont think my anorexia has ever come between us. In fact if anything it has made us closer as it has made us realse just how important we are to one another. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up thinking about how our eating disorders effect our lives and we forget how it effects the people we love. Amy is one of the main people that I fight my anorexia for everyday. I want to recover so that I can be the big sister that she deserves to have.

I have spent a lot of the day resting which has felt really good. Amy went home just after lunch and since then I have written a few blog posts, watched some grays anatomy, taken Tess for another tiny walk and watched tv. At the moment I am watching the movie Dear John. I was really tired after tea so actually got a couple of hours sleep before Dear John started. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay awake while watching it otherwise. I havent seen this movie since back in 2010 but I remember loving it when I saw it. It feels so strange to think back to times before I got sick. I cant even remember what it was like to be normal anymore.  It seems like it has been forever since a time that my life didn't revolve around food, weight and my anorexia. I still cant imagine what it will be like to oneday be free of my anorexia again, all I do know is that it will be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

The foods I eat on the weekends are usually a bit different then what I have during the week as I dont have to worry about packing my lunch up to take to work and have more time to cook in the evenings. 

2 slices of toast with honey nut spread, 1 bowl of sweet cinnamon and apple oats

1 banana Up And Go and 1 chocolate muffin

2 slices of fresh bread with butter, cheese and tomato relish, 1 chocolate snak pak and 1 extra large sliced banana

1 violet crumble, 1 large pear and 1 small banana

1 chicken breast schnitzel, baked tomato dish and oven cooked chips

1 orange, 1 white hot chocolate and 2 macadamia and white chocolate chip cookies

I hope that everyone has had an amazing Saturday and that your Sunday is as equally amazing! :)

Dealing with weight gain

The hardest physical change that you will face is most likely going to be weight gain. There is no point in denying it, you will gain weight in recovery and you may as well prepare yourself for this inevitability before it actually starts happening. If you are atleast a bit mentally prepared for your weight gain, hopefully you will cope a little better when it starts becoming more noticeable so that you wont get scared into relapsing.

Make sure you get rid of the clothes you wore when you were at a lower weight. Trying on old clothes and finding they are to tight will cause you unecessary anxiety. Wear what is comfortable for you and what makes you feel good. If its possible, get rid of any full sized mirrors around your house. The less time you spend looking at your body, the fewer opportunities you will have to feel insecure about it. If it is possible, do blind weigh ins with your doctor or a family member if your are recovering at home. Knowing exactely how much weight you have gained each week will only give your anorexia more of an opportunity to make you feel guilty. If like me you do need to weigh yourself to monitor your weight gain as no one else can di it, try to do it once or twise a week only.

You need to get used to the fact that you may not always be the skinniest girl in the room anymore. Remember this is a good thing! It shows that you are getting healthier. Whats so good about being the skinniest girl in the room anyway? I can guarantee that any decent boy would like you more when you are happy and healthy at your natural body weight then sick and underweight. I know that I will reach a stage in my weight gain when I start to feel insecure about my new body. I am terrified about feeling like this but have thought of a few reminders to tell myself to make sure that I keep on fighting.

1. Others don't see me the same way as I see myself

Most anorexics have body dismorphia so when you think you look fat, you need to remember that you aren't. This is your anorexia playing tricks on you and trying to make you listen to it. Listening to your anorexia will not make you feel better about yourself however. The only thing that will make you feel truly better about yourself is recovery.

2. Remember how unhappy I was when I was at my sickest

Losing weight again will just make you as unhappy and miserable you used to be. You were not truly living when you were that sick, in fact you were barely surviving. You deserve more than that. You deserve to actually live life and enjoy life.

3. The only reason I feel so insecure is because my mind isn't recovered yet.

Mental recovery can not happen until weight restoration is achieved which means that you will need to gain weight whilst you are still having strong anorexic thoughts. If you continue gaining weight however your mind will eventually get better and then your insecurities will start to dissappear.

4. I have come too far and worked too hard to throw it all away

You have gained weight so have obviously pushed yourself through a lot of pain and suffering allready. I wish it could be different but recovery is painful. You have been strong enough to get to this point in your recovery and turning back now would mean that all the hard work was for nothing.

5. If I dont recover I could die

Ultimately you have 2 options to push through your insecurities and continue on your path of recovery or to give into your anorexia and relapse. Relapsing will not achieve anything. Eventually you will either have to re-do all the hard work again only to reach the exact same point you are currently at or if you dont do that, you may die.

Please, if you feel as though your weight gain is too much to bare or like you are on the verge of relapsing remind yourself of all the wonderful things recovery can bring and of how awful living with anorexia is. If your anorexic thoughts are too overpowering and you dont feel strong enough to choose recovery on your own, talk to someone who you know can talk you through it and make you think more rationally. 

I know it is sometimes impossible to think rationally when your anorexia is in control. Your anorexia will take every opportunity it can to make you feel awful about yourself but you need to be able to recognise when this is happening so you can fight the thoughts instead of listening to them. You could even write down some rational reminders like I have here that you can read to yourself whenever your anorexia starts to dominate your thoughts, to make sure you keep fighting.

How my anorexia has affected my sister

Hello, im Karly's sister Amy and I wanted to share what it is like to have a big sister living with anorexia. I can't say it has been easy for me, it has had a huge affect on my family and my life. I am only twelve and Karly has been sick for almost as long as i can remember but i do have a few memories from beforecshe got sick. I can remember one holiday to Queensland, Karly was well and happy. We had lots of fun together with our family.

Around 3 years ago my family (including Karly) went for a trip to Port Arthur. We had fun but unfortunately Karly was really sick. She had blue fingernails, purple lips, 100 layers of clothes on and refused to eat what we ate. I wasnt aware that Karly had an eating disorder yet, but I knew something was wrong. Shortly after Karly went back to boarding school, or so i thought. One day, I overheard my parents saying about going to see Karly. Of coarse i wanted to go! In the end i got my way. I didnt know that my sister was in hospital until we arrived there. It was upseting seeing my sister the way she was. She wasnt even allowed to walk! 😢😓 I remember watching 'The Kissy Project' with my big sister. This was a news report about a girl who had suffered anorexia. Thats when I knew how bad Karly's illness was.

My Dad got a job at Orford on a farm and had to move down there temporarily. By now Karly was out of hospital. She moved down to live with my big brother Luke and my dad because she couldn't get along with mum. Every now and then Mum and i would go down and visit and dad would also come and visit us. Mum and Karly used to fight ALOT! It made me sad to see the people i am supposed to look up to, fighting like kids. One day mum and i went to see Dad, Luke and Karly. But now there was another member of the family. Jo-Jo hopped into our life without warning. This cute little wallaby helped Karly get through the long days.

Once Karly, Luke, Mum and I went to town. As we passed the petshop, i nagged to have a look inside. We passed birds, puppies and fish of all variaties but as you can imagine i went straight to the guineapigs. We ended up getting a tan coloured guineapig. I wanted to call her Kissy after the anorexic girl in the story karly and I watched, but my Mum wouldnt let me :( My mum tried to hide anorexia from me in every way she could, but this just confused me more.

Even though it was hard on me and my family i dont blame Karly for having anorexia. She didnt get sick by choice and i dont want her to feel guilty for anything. Actually, in a way i am thankful because it has shown me that i never want to go through what she has. Karly has always made me aware of how damaging it is to your physical health as well as how painful it is to go through mentally.

I couldn't be happier now that I know karly is fighting her hardest to recover and get better. When Karly was sick it seemed like I would never have my old sister back. I didnt think we would ever be able to share a chocolate bar together or to get an icecream on a hot day but now we can. Now I am sure that i will have my old sister back one day when she makes a full recovery.

I love my sister more than words can say and one day I hope she can see herself the way I see her, as a strong, brave and beautiful person.

Similarities between sufferers

Something I have always found pretty unbelievable since becoming ill is how similar people with anorexia can be in their personalities as well as there behaviors. I find it amazing that I can have the exact same habits or rituals as other anorexics who live on the other side of the world who I have never met. How is it that we started practicing the exact same rituals? It is almost as if it is somehow 'programmed into our illness.'

I have many Personality traits that are common amongst other anorexia sufferers. My whole life I have been a perfectionist and an over achiever. I  compared myself to other people while I was growing up a lot and would feel disappointed in myself if I thought I wasn't as good as somone else. I have always been a very anxious and sensitive person which made me doubt myself and constantly worry that I was doing something wrong. I cared way too much about what others thought about me and was always paranoid people were judging me.


The following article taken from here explains a bit more about these personality traits;

The Personality traits such as neuroticism (emotional stability), obsessiveness, and perfectionism play a large role in facilitating some eating disorders, particularly anorexia and bulimia. Research suggests that these traits are at least partially driven by genetics. Individuals with these personality features are predisposed to be anxious, depressed, perfectionistic and self-critical; all factors that may contribute to their difficulty managing weight and eating in a healthy manner.

Individuals with anorexia and bulimia tend to be quite competitive, and are quite driven to succeed. They tend to compare their appearance and accomplishments against unrealistic standards and typically find themselves lacking. Most of these judgments involve culturally-derived or peer-sanctioned standards rather than personal expectations. In other words, people with eating disorders are primarily concerned about what others think of them, rather than what they think of themselves. Other people with eating disorders, such as athletes, tend to judge themselves against internally derived standards, and get upset when they fail to live up to their own ideals, expectations and goals.

Regardless of what set of standards they judge themselves against, perfectionists always strive to meet the highest standard of performance possible. They easily find themselves in a self-defeating cycle of fear and dissatisfaction when they fail to meet their expectations and goals, even when such expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy. This sense of fear and dissatisfaction is exactly the fuel and motivation that perpetuates a renewed drive toward thinness, perfection, and control. Hence, the endless cycle of dysfunctional eating behavior that constitutes eating disorders.

A capacity for obsessive thinking tends to accompany perfectionism with regard to eating disorders, particularly with anorexics. Anorexic individuals become hyper-focused or obsessed with food and with the idea of controlling their eating so as to become thin. Other elements of extreme thinking may be observed as well, notably a tendency towards rigid "black and white" (for example, I am either perfect or terrible) thinking. Because of their mental inflexibility, anorexic individuals may be unwilling or unable to acknowledge that their behaviors are out of control and that there are alternative ways to become happy besides weight loss. They perceive any deviation from their self-imposed weight-loss regime as an unacceptable failure. As a result, they may have great difficulty accepting suggestions or advice from others, even from those they know to be well-meaning. People with eating disorders may experience such supportive attempts as evidence that others don’t really understand them.

There are various behaviors and rituals that I adopted whilst suffering from anorexia that I was surprised to read that other anorexics also practiced whilst sick. Meals had to be eaten under perfect conditions. I preffered to be alone and I had to eat at the right time of day. Eating before my normal meal time made me feel weak as it would mean giving into the temptation of hunger. I became very specific when selecting my crockery and cutlery. I would eat everything with a teaspoon, child sized fork and knife so that it would take me longer to finish my meal. Early on in my illness I always cut my food into tiny pieces and ate tiny mouthfuls of food at a time but since starting to eat more, this behavior has subsided. I would choose the smallest bowl or plate that my food could fit into so I felt as though I was eating more than I actually was.

I prepared all my food by myself and was too frightened to leave my food unnattended as I was scared someone would tamper with it. I liked watching tv while I ate my meals and would even stop eating in ad breaks for some bizarre reason. I always needed to have a glass or bottle of water with me while I was eating a meal and my food had to be nice and hot and well prepared. I kept all of my food in my bedroom so no one else would touch it and prepared some meals inside my bedroom. I would instantly become very defensive if anyone ever questioned me about my behavior or my food. I cooked alot for my family but never tried anything I baked for them as I couldnt be sure of the calories it contained. I had to know the exact number of calories in everything I ate so obsessively weighed and measured out everything.

It is important to remember that although there are some similarities between sufferers, no two cases of anorexia are identicle and that there will always be some differences. You should never feel as though you are expected to act a certain way because you are anorexic. Dont feel as though something is wrong with you or that you arent really sick because you dont have a specific anorexic behavior or because you have a symptom that is not very common. Everyones illnesses will vary and recovery journeys will also be very different for everyone.

While it is common for anorexics to leave food in the bottom of food containers or on your plate I have never done this. In fact, I have always eaten the entirety of what I had told myself I was allowed to eat before starting a meal. It is a habit of mine to scrape bowls and plates until they are completely clean and it doesnt matter how full I am, I will always finish every single meal. I also never skip meals which I know other anorexics commonly do. I think that this is because I love food so much and therefore once I decide what I am going to eat I have in a way given my self permission to eat that meal. As long as my meal fitted into my daily calorie allowance at that time, while I ate it I felt reasonabely comfortable and didnt feel the need to leave any as I knew I wasnt eating too much. Has anyone else felt this way about food throughout their illness?

Another weird Anorexic behaviour of mine that I am not sure if anyone else has experienced is to do with how I chew. I have always chewed the exact same amount of food on the left and right sides of my mouth. For example if I was eating cereal, I would get a cereal flake and chew it on the left side of my mouth before picking a flake the same shape and size and chewing it on the right side. Or while eating something like vegetables I would chew 1 piece of carrot on the left for every one piece of carrot the right. If I was left with only one piece of something, for example one grape, I would bite it in half so I can chew half of it on my left side and then half on my right.

I know it sounds crazy but I cant explain why I do his. It has gotten a lot worse since having anorexia but I even remember doing it before I had anorexia with specific foods like rice crackers as well as colorful foods like fruit loops. I think that it is possibely OCD? Has anyone else ever done anything like this?

Obsessed with food

Whenever I was starving myself or restricting my food intake I found it almost impossible to think about anything else other than food. I would spend my days sitting around waiting until it was time for my next meal (if i was eating anything at all at that stage). I think that many people presume that anorexics dont like food but this is certainly not the case, well as least for me anyway. It is important to note however that I only loved food while I was in control of it. While I was in hospital I hated everything that I ate as I wasn't controlling my intake at all.


I loved cooking or baking for other people around me but always refused to eat what I made myself. I also strangely enjoyed watching other people eat. I felt as though just watching others eat satisfied my own hunger, as if I was the one actually eating it. I would try and eat my meals as slowly as I possibly could so that I could enjoy them for longer and I insisted on eating all my food with tiny teaspoons or childrens cutlery so that I could savour the food for longer. I didn't only spend alot of time eating my meals but also preparing them. I had many rituals I felt as though I had to follow while preparing food and eating it.

I started watching cooking and food television shows all the time, my favourites being masterchef and man vs food. I also enjoyed shows like the biggest loser, supersized vs super skinny and secret eaters. The second I finished one meal I would start to think about the next. My poor body wanted food so badly but I continued to ignore what it was telling me. I still felt hungry all the time, I just learnt to ignore my hunger. It made me feel strong and powerful when I didn't give in to my hunger.

This is a part of Harriet Browns book brave girl eating that i think sums up how anorexia makes you feel perfectly.

Imagine that you’re standing in a bakery. Not just any bakery—the best bakery in Paris, its windows fogged, crowded with people who jostle for space in front of its long glass cases. The room is fragrant and you can’t take your eyes off the rows of cinnamon rolls and croissants, iced petits fours, flaky napoleons and elephant ears.
And you’re hungry. In fact, you’re starving. Hunger is a tornado whirling in your chest, a bottomless vortex at your core. Hunger is a tiger sharpening its claws on your tender insides. You stand in front of the glass cases, trying to swallow, but your throat is dry and your stomach clenches and contracts.
You want more than anything to lick the side of an éclair, swirl the custard and chocolate against your tongue. You dream about biting off the end of a cruller, feeling the give of the spongy dough, the brief molecular friction of the glaze against your teeth, flooding your mouth with sweetness. The woman beside you reaches into a white paper bag, pulls out a hunk of sourdough roll. You see the little puff of steam that flares from its soft center. You breathe in the warm yeasty smell it gives off. She pops it into her mouth and chews and you chew along with her. You can almost taste the bread she’s eating. Almost.
But you can’t, not really, because how long has it been since you’ve tasted bread? A month? A year? An eternity. And though your stomach grinds against your backbone and your cheeks are hollow, though the tiger flays your belly, you can’t eat. You want to, you have to, but your fear is greater than your hunger. Because when you do—when you choke down a spoonful of plain yogurt, five pretzel sticks, a grape—that’s when the voice in your head starts up, a whisper, a cajoling sigh: You don’t need to eat, you’re strong, so strong. That’s right. Good girl.
Soon the whisper is a hiss filling the center of your head: You don’t deserve to eat. You’re weak, unworthy. You are disgusting. You don’t deserve to live. You, you, you. The voice is a drumbeat, a howl, a knife sunk in your gut, twisting. It knows what you’re thinking. It knows everything you do. It has always been inside you and it always will be. The more you try to block it out, the louder it becomes, until it’s screaming in your ear: You’re fat. You’re a fat pig. You make everyone sick. No one loves you and no one ever will. You don’t deserve to be loved. You’ve sinned and now you must be punished.
So you don’t eat, though food is all you think about. Though all day long, wherever you are—doing homework, sitting with friends, trying to sleep—part of you is standing in the bakery, mesmerized with hunger and with fear, the voice growling and rumbling. You have to stand there, your insides in shreds, empty of everything but your own longing. There will be no bread for you, no warm, buttery pastries. There’s only the pitiless voice inside your head, high-pitched, insistent, insidious. There’s only you, more alone than you’ve ever been. You, growing smaller and frailer. You, with nowhere else to go.
The voice is part of you now, your friend and your tormentor. You can’t fight it and you don’t want to. You’re not so strong, after all. You can’t take it and you can’t get away. You don’t deserve to live. You want to die.
This is what it feels like to have anorexia.

Since starting to eat so much more I no longer spend my days thinking and obsessing over food but I think I do like food more than normal people. My meal times are usually my favourite times of the day and eating yummy foods makes me happier then anything else. I suppose it is natural for me to like food as much as I do since I denied myself of it for so long. Its kind of like the saying, you don't know what you have got until its gone. I didnt know how much I liked food until I stopped eating it and the more I denied myself of it, the more I wanted it.



Feel free to share your own experience of how you felt about food while restricting. Do you feel like having anorexia made you hate food or love food even more?

Beautiful morning

Since it was such a beautiful morning this morning I thought it would be nice to share a short video taken on the walking track Tess and I go on most mornings.

I am working today but have the whole weekend off so am really happy about that. My little sister is coming to stay with me tonight as mum needs to take my brother to hobart to get surgery on his finger. I will be too tired to do a lot with her straight after work but tomorrow I will have to do something nice with her.

What do you like to do when you spend time with your siblings? Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Why you should never tease someone about their weight

In the years leading up to my eating disorder, I was constantly teased about my weight by my brothers and even my dad. I know that they weren't saying it to be really nasty or even because they thought it was true. Teasing is a normal part of sibling rivalry and I am sure that I teased my brothers just as much as they teased me. I think that the only reason my brothers continued to tease me about my weight is because they didn't have anything better to tease me about. At first, it didn't bother me as I wasn't worried about my weight. It only starting hurting me once I started to get a more womenly figure and started feeling more self conscious about my body.

My brothers were both quite thin so I started to feel like the fat one in the family and as there teasing continued, I started to believe everything they would say. Whenever I went to eat something unhealthy they would say to me "you will get even fatter if you eat that." They would also take any opportunity they could to tell me my bum was big or that I was simply 'just fat', especially during everyday arguements that go on between brothers and sisters. Even my dad who I have always had a really close relationship with would stir me up about my weight and what I was eating.

If the boys in my family realised how much this kind of teasing was starting to effect me, I know that they wouldn't have done it as they weren't trying to be horrible. They were only saying it as a joke but the problem was, I wasn't taking it as a joke.

I still remember so many of the comments that they paid about what I ate and my weight even to this day because they were tearing me up so much inside at the time. My little sister would hear everyone teasing me all the time about being fat so she even started to do it eventually. One day when she commented on something I was eating I just burst into tears.

Both my brothers and dad felt guilty when I was diagnosed with anorexia about all the years of them teasing me about my weight, but there was nothing they could do about it then. My older brother was quite upset when my mum told him I was in hospital as he hadn't known anything at all about my anorexia until then. The first thing he said was "Shit, but we have been teasing her for so long about being fat. We only ever said it because it wasn't true."

I have made it very clear to my family that I do not blame them at all for me developing my anorexia. This was just one of hundreds of triggers that have all contributed to me developing an eating disorder. From the following list of psychological issues associated with anorexic patients sourced from here, I have almost every single one of them. Therefore I believe my brothers teasing was just one of many factors responsible for me developing my anorexia.

Psychological Factors
Although every case is different, clinicians have noticed patterns in psychological issues with patients who have eating disorders.

For anorexia:
– fear of growing up
– inability to separate from the family
– need to please or be liked
– perfectionism
– need to control
– need for attention
– lack of self esteem
– high family expectations
– parental dieting
– family discord
– temperament – often described as the “perfect child”
– teasing about weight and body shape

{The only one of these Ididn't really have was parental dieting, all the rest were big issues present in my life}

So while I know that it did not necessarily cause my eating disorder, it certainly wouldn't have helped matters and did cause me a lot of pain. If you are being teased about your weight or can see someone being teased about their weight please speak up. That is what I should have done. If I had told my family how it was really making me feel I know that they wouldn't have continued to do it. No one deserves to be teased about being fat, no matter what size they are. I just wish there was a way of getting this message out there as most people, particularly males just don't realise how hurtful it can be.

Something else that you must always try and remember is that while we cant control what other people say, we can choose not to listen to them. I know it's hard and I have always been guilty of this too but don't let what other people say influence how you feel about yourself. Who cares what others say, try to love yourself for who you are and don't let anyone else change that.