Eating more regularly again

After deciding that I simply wasnt ready to try and eat intuitively again yet (due to accidentely losing a bit of weight) I have started eating 6 meals each day again. I have also staryed roughly counting my calories for each meal again, to make sure I am eating enough too.

The truth is, when I was eating less,  I didn't really miss the extra food at all and didnt feel very hungary at all which made ne falsely believe I was eating enough. I have found that my appetite has returned now that I am eating more again which is great! I suppose I have just started making food and eating one of my main priorities again, instead of just eating when I have time or am hungary.

For example, I have started getting up at 6 in the morning and having a supplement drink and piece of fruit, before having breakfast at 9 and then lunch at midday. Where as before I wasnt eating breakfast until 9 (which was my first meal of the day) and then only having lunch.

I dont know if I am eating enough yet to gain weight but I atleast know that I will not lose anymore weight. If I still haven't gained any weight after a week or so of eating what I am, I will have to increase my intake again so that I can get back to the weight I was a month or so ago.

The extra food is giving me more energy and I already feel as though I can think more rationally and clearly. I guess this just demonstrates the importance of eating to keep us happy and healthy. We should always keep in mind the fact that food really is medicine for us!

Getting anorexic thoughts more often

I am still feeling much better and no longer consider myself to be 'suffering' from an eating disorder anymore, however I admit I still do get anorexic thoughts sometimes. Lately, I feel as though I have been getting more and more of these anorexic thoughts regarding eating and exercise and the only explanation I can think of is that it is due to the few kilos I have accidentally lost over the last month or so.

I really didnt mean to lose this weight however it just seemed to happen as my eating routine was changed quite a bit when I moved  to Launceston. I also wasnt keeping a check on my weight as I was before I moved so had no idea I was actually losing weight. I suppose that this just goes to show how sensitive my body still is to change and that I really do need to make an extra special effort to ensure that I am giving my body the energy it needs.

Obviously my weight has fallen slightly below my healthy natural set point weight, which has caused me to have more unhealthy thoughts. Most likely due to my brain chemistry not being as stable as it was when I was a few kilos heavier. The types of thoughts I have been having have not been about wanting to lose weight or be smaller than I already am. They have more been about being frightened I am eating too much or not exercising enough, which will lead to weight gain.

I have been trying my best to challenge these thoughts and am trying to do the opposite of what they tell me to do but it is proving to be quite difficult. I know in my heart that I need to change something, as otherwise I can see things spiralling out of control and I really dont want to risk having a relapse. I know that I really am yhe luckiest girl in the world to have found my wonderful boyfriend and I love my life so much, I really dont want anything to ruin that.

So I think that my best option is to try and regain the weight I have recently lost. This will hopefully get me back to my healthy set point (the weight where I am able to think most rationally and healthily). This will also mean that I will be doing exactly what my anorexic thoughts arent telling me to do, which I know from experience will make me stronger again and my anorexia weaker again. I dont expect this is going to be easy however I have done it once, so I know I can do it again! I am strong enough to do this!

Afterall, even though gaining weight seems a little scary, I  was perfectly happy with my weight before I lost weight, so there is no reason why I cant be perfectly happy at that weight again.

Feeling happy and comfortable in my own skin

Today I am going to the football with my boyfriend and some of his family which will be great! I just have to wait for my boyfriend to get home from work (I know, only my boyfriend is crazy enough to vuluntarily work on his Saturday mornings after a whole week of working atleast 10 hours everyday). 

As I got ready this morning, I found it so nice to be accepting of myself and how I looked as this never would have happened to me in the past. Although i still have times when I feel self conscious and suffer from poor self esteem, it is just great to feel confident in my own skin sometimes too. 

Here are a few selfies I took this morning to mark this wonderful achievement of bejng able to accept myself, the way I truly am supposed to be. I encourage everyone in recovery from an eating disorder to aim for this type of self acceptance as it really is the most wonderful feeling, when you no longer hate everything about yourself all the time.

When people try to help you....

When I was at my sickest with anorexia, I wouldnt let anyone try and help me and if anyone tried to give me advice or help me in any way, I would get incredibely angry with them. The thing was, a lot of the time I knew what they were saying was right however it was just too hard for me to actually listen. I was living in denial I guess, and hated people telling me what I needed to do, even if I knew they were right.

This caused me to push away some of the people I was closest too, as I couldnt handle them trying to interfere with how I was living. I suppose the anger that came through was actually my anorexia, as my anorexia hated anyone who questioned my behaviours or told me to change. I wish now I had been more open about how I felt and had just explained to the people around me that although I knew what they were saying was right, it wasnt as simple as 'just doing' what they said I should do.

Afterall getting angry at the people I loved and pushing them away only made me feel more alone and helpless. So instead of just yelling and screaming when your loved one suggests you need to eat more or stop a behaviour. Try to talk to them about it rationally instead. Explain to them that you know they are right, but you just dont feel strong enough to actually do what they are telling you to do. Atleast then your loved ones will realise you arent just ignoring them and that you do understand what they are saying.

Even now, I still get quite agitated whenever someone questions what I eat or how much I exercise. Also, I get quite distraught when my boyfriend asks me if he can weigh me. I know that he only does this to make sure I havent lost weight and because he loves me but i still really struggle with it. Standing on the scale in front of someone causes me ALOT of anxiety and my instant reacyion when he asks to weigh me os to get angry. So i just have to be very careful not to get angry and to just remember that he only wants to make sure I am ok.

Whilst I was struggling with anorexia, I had a wonderful relationship with my dad however I had a terrible relationship with my mum. And I know that this is only because mum continued to try and help me, when I simply couldnt be helped. Also my mum couldnt contain her emotions or frustration so she expressed herself by getting angry, yelling and screaming. My dad however fortunately realised very early on that getting angry didnt help the situation, nor did telling what i needed to do. He realised that he couldnt really help me to get better, that i needed to get better myself and so he just let me know he was there for me, whilst I was doing that.

This post has ended up being a bit unorganized and I know I have rambled on a bit but I just wanted to share with you all how I coped when people tried to help me in recovery and the importance of being open with your loved ones about how you are feeling, instead of pushing your loved ones away.

Recovery is painful

I think the thing that makes recovery so difficult, is the fact that you need to put yourself through a lot of pain in order to recover. Although its easier to listen to your anorexic thoughts, in the long run you need to remember you are only harming yourself by doing this. For example, even though eating an apple for your snack seems easier at the time then eating whats really on your meal plan, it isnt the best thing for you. The best thing for you and your recovery is actually to eat the chocolate or cake or whatever else actually appears on your meal plan, no matter how painful it may be to do that.

Theres no point in trying to make anorexia recovery seem less painful or easier then it actually is. I think that the first thing people need to be told when they are trying to recover is that recovery is hard, in fact it is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life. And I think it is important that you accept this fact before you start the recovery process. Because when you are recovering, you cant just do what makes you feel good at the time, you need to do what is right for you and your life in the long run.

Although recovery is hard,  please know that having a happy eating disorder free life like I am now living is well worth the pain that you experience while fighting your anorexic thoughts during recovery. And everytime you are tempted to take the easy option during recovery and listen to your anorexia, just remember that you are only hurting yourself in the long run and getting further from your ultimate goal of recovery. And being recovered really is incredible! Its the best feeling in the world and has made me so thankful that I pushed through those hard times and chose the hard option instead of listening to my anorexia.

Believe you can recover and you will

I think something very important to always remember is that recovery is possible for everyone, you just have to believe it is possible and believe that you can do it. Although it may not  seem like it sometimes, no one is ever to sick to recover. I realise that this may not seem all that convincing, coming from someone who battled anorexia for less then 5 years before recovering.  however there are hundreds of successful recovery stories of people who have battled for more then 20 or 30 years. So please remember that you can recover, no matter how sick you are and no matter how long you have been battling.

If you dont believe you can do it, you wont be able to find the strength to fight your anorexia, each time you need to do so throughout the recovery process. This means that you will just give into whatever your anorexia tells you and you will fail to make any recovery progress. Afterall in order to recover you need to consistently and continuously be stronger then your anorexia until it loses all the power it once had in your life!

Accidental weight loss

I was very surprised when I went into the blood bank yesterday morning to donate blood when they wouldnt let me donate as I just fell under the minimum weight requirement. Up until a few weeks ago, I had weighed enough to donate blood and I hadnt been trying to lose weight in any way so I was shocked that it had happened.

This has come as an inportant reminder to me that even though I am doing really well in terms of my recovery, I still am not like everybody else. I do lose weight very easily and I therefore need to make an extra effort to eat more often then others and sometimes larger amounts then others too.

I think that the main difference between me and others is that my body needs a constant energy supply, in the form of 6 meals a day. This can be really hard when everyone around me only eats 3 or 4 times a day but obviously skipping snacks, even when I am eating more for main meals, just isnt something my body can cope with yet.

Perhaps oneday, when my weight has stayed healthy and stable for a longer period of time I will be less susceptible to weight loss, but until then,  I just need to do what is right for my body and my health. I guess it is a good sign that I have not found this recent weight loss pleasing at all. If anything I have just felt dissapointed and concerned.

I have absolutely no desire to lose anymore weight and hope that I can gain back those few kilos I have managed to accidentely lose. Afterall, I know that my body is happier and healthier at that slightly higher weight and looking after my body is the most important thing. If the weight loss does continue, I will go to the doctor just to make sure nothing is wrong and there isn't another underlying cause of this unexpected weight loss.