Home to Swansea

After not being home to see my family since christmas, I really enjoyed travelling home to Swansea for the weekend with my boyfriend. Things have not been great for my family over the last few months and even though the issues are still ongoing, it was still nice to go home and see everyone. Now that I have my own life in Launceston, it would be so easy to just completely distance myself from my family and all their problems back in Swansea but that wouldnt be fair on my little sister and dad. I love them so much and want to be there for them to help them through any difficulties they may face. So my boyfriend and I started the 1.5 hour drive to Swansea when he finished work on Friday afternoon and we arrived at my family home at about 6:30pm. Unfortunately my dad was away for the weekend but it was still great to see my sister. My sister Amy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and despite the 6 year age gap between us, we get along incredibely well. 

On Saturday morning my mum and I went for a walk on our farm and had a very close encounter with a 6 foot long tiger snake. By the time we saw the snake, we were only a single step away from it and it obviously felt threatened by us as it reared its head and striked at us. Luckily we both jumped back at that exact moment so the snakes head (and fangs) just missed us. If the snake had tried to bite us a second time it would have bitten one of us for sure as we were simply too close and couldnt get away. Thank goodness it decided to slither off instead leaving us full if adrenalin but unharmed. We then drove into Swansea to visit my nan before meeting my herbalife coach Phoebe for lunch. I had my all time favourite meal (which I hadnt had for ages) caeser salad and it was so yummy! We then visited my other nan and went out for tea with my mum. For tea I had Spaghetti bolognaise with a side of vegetables which was ok but not as nice as lunch. I loooove pasta but prefer tomato or chicken based pastas, rather then mince. I still ate it all though, to everyone elses surprise as it was huuuuge! 

I took my mum home after tea but then went back into town with my boyfriend Nathan. I wasnt drinking alcohol like I usually do when we go out in Swansea as I had to drive home but my boyfriend was and we had heaps of fun playing 8 ball (pool). We also chatted with my uncle, aunt and cousin for an hour or two which was really nice. When we got home that night my brother Luke was there so it was really nice to see him. The following morning nathan, Amy and I headed into Swansea with two of our puppies to go for a nice walk on the beach. We had running races on the beach and just enjoyed the sunshine and scenery. We started the drive back to Launceston at about 2pm and were back home by about 4. Overall it was a really nice weekend and I am looking forward to heading back to Swansea one weekend soon, but when my dad is home so we can spend some time with him too.

This is the type of snake we ran into 

My gorgeous sister and myself

My boyfriend nathan and me

Nathan, cassie the puppy and me

What I eat in a day

I thought it would be a good idea to share with you all what I eat on a typical day now that I am recovered. I don't eat exactly the same amount of calories every day but I know about what I eat and I never eat any less then 2200 calories. I eat relatively healithily, not because I am scared of typically unhealthy foods, but because I enjoy healthy foods as well as nourishing my body. I find I feel much more energetic and happy when I eat nutrient rich foods so thats why I chose to eat them most of the time. I thought I would share with you what I haveveaten over the last 3 days, so that you can get a good idea of what I usually eat :)

Tuesday

Meal 1: 1 large bowl of raspberry oats (equivalent to 2 typical portions) made with half a cup of soy milk, 1 cup if water and 1 scoop of protein powder

Meal 2: 1 vanilla and banana shake made with 1 banana, 250mL soy milk, 2 scoops of herbalife vanilla sport f1 shake mix and 8 ice cubes

Meal 3: 3 rice cakes topped with tomato and cheese, 3 rice cakes topped with egg (1 boiled egg mixed with mayo), 1 apple, 1 strawberry Chobani greek yoghurt

Meal 4: 1 herbalife protein bar and 1 banana

Meal 5: went out for dinner and ordered chicken schnitzel with gravy and vegetables

Meal 6: 1 yoplait forme yoghurt and 1 peach

Wednesday

Meal 1: 1 large bowl of oats (equivalent to 2 typical portions) made with half a cup of soy milk, 1 cup if water and 1 scoop of protein powder with 1 diced pear

Meal 2: 1 herbalife chocolate shake made with 1 scoop of dutch chocolate f1, 1 scoop if creamy vanilla sport f1 and 300mL almond milk

Meal 3: vegetable lasagna and salad (lettuce leaf mix, diced beetroot, cherry tomatoes, fetta cheese, olive oil)

Meal 4: 1 tub of chobani plain greek yoghurt mixed with 1 scoop of herbalife chocolate rebuild and blueberries (picture below)

Meal 5: 3 scrambled eggs cooked with 1 diced tomato and 60g of feta cheese with vegetables (baby broccoli, beans, pumpkin and carrot)

Meal 6: herbalife protein bar, watermelon and salt and vinegar rice wheels

Thursday

Meal 1: 1 chocolate and banana shake made with 1 banana, 250mL soy milk, 2 scoops of herbalife f1 dutch chocolate shake mix and 8 ice cubes

Meal 2: 1 large bowl of oats (equivalent to 2 typical portions) made with half a cup of soy milk, 1 cup if milk and 1 scoop of protein powder

Meal 3: 3 rice cakes topped with tomato and cheese, 3 rice cakes topped with egg (1 boiled egg mixed with mayo), 1 yoplait forme berry yoghurt, watermelon and 2 pieces of herbalife chocolate

Meal 4: 1 small packet of salted popcorn, 1 protein  bar and grapes

Meal 5: honey soy chicken stirfry with hokkien noodles and vegetables (broccoli, carrot, beans)

Meal 6: Herbalife mug cake made with 2 scoops of chocolate f1 mix, 1 scoop of protein powder, 1 egg and 1/4 cup of milk microwaved and topped with greek yoghurt

Throughout the day I also snack on little things spontaeously like herbalife chocolate, grapes, rice cakes etc as I am walking through the kitchen (i.e. I have eaten 14 pieces of herbalife chocolate (which is actually higher calorie then normal chocolate) over the last 4 days. I drink atleast 2.5 litres of water per day which I add herbalife products to like Aloe, herbal tea, active fibre complex, hydrate or drive. I also take quite a few supplements as part of my nutrition program (i.e. 3 multivitamins, 3 cell-U-loss, 2 joint support, 1 chitosan fibre, 1 probiotic, 2 NRG's).

I currently have the best relationship with food I have ever had and I couldnt be happier. I no longer take anti anxiety medication and just feel so wonderful everyday, knowing that I am fueling my body with delicious and nutricious foods. In order to recover, you need to have a good relationship with food and you must be able to trust your body to tell you what it needs. Food is not something you should ever be scaredbof, it is simple fuel for your body and something that should be enjoyed. If you have any questions about my intake, feel free to leave a comment below.

What recovery means to me

In my opinion, this is only the very start of what recovey means to me. Overall, recovery simply means getting your life back. But after recovery I believe life is even more beautiful and incredible as you appreciate evey moment, instead of taking it for granted like most people do. You will see in the following photos that I am incredibly happy in evey single one. And I promise you that this smile was not just put on for the photos, this is how happy I am all of the time. People ask me how I can be so happy, bubbly and friendly all the time and I just tell them that it is completely effortless for me. I act this way because I am just so truly thankful and blessed for my health and all of the incredible things I have in my life.

FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR GROWING BODY? TRY THESE 4 MINDSET SHIFTS

I found this article and wanted to share it with you all. I think it has some wonderful advice for anyone in recovery... xox


BY STEPHANIE KIRSCHNER BODY

JANUARY 18, 2017l
I feel it when I wake up in the morning and try on every single pair of my jeans and everything looks bad and I just want to go back to sleep. But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don’t wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserved for way more important things. –Mindy Kaling
Though my road to recovery has been marked by various victories, I still have days when my growing body upsets me. This usually happens when I can’t pull an old dress down past my waist, or when a pair of my jeans fits so tightly that I experience intense anger any time I wear them.






Sometimes after these wardrobe failures, I start genuinely buying into the idea that I must begin exercising constantly and sticking to a strict diet of baby carrots and salsa if I expect to have a hope in this world. I begin my frenzied Google tirade, searching such intellectual topics as “how to lose weight in your hips but keep it in your chest”, “why are my hips still growing even though I’m an adult woman?”, and “why are my jeggings so ridiculously tight today?”




But the truth is, even when you know deep down that you are on a trajectory toward health, it can be tough to silence the sneaky voices attempting to convince you otherwise


Of course, I feel like a fool after these escapades, mostly because I know I should be Googling “volunteer opportunities near me”, “how to save the world”, and “Mother’s Day gift ideas” instead. But the truth is, even when you know deep down that you are on a trajectory toward health, it can be tough to silence the sneaky voices attempting to convince you otherwise.


How can you be getting healthier when you’re getting heavier? Why are you trying to convince yourself that buying bigger clothes is a positive thing? Doesn’t that just mean that you lack discipline and self-control?


Embracing your recovery journey can be challenging, especially when you’ve been indoctrinated to believe that gaining weight or increasing in size are undesirable and shameful. For many of us, embracing the journey requires a complete shift in mindset. It requires moment-by-moment choices to surrender to the process and to continually extend grace to yourself.




Embracing your recovery journey can be challenging, especially when you’ve been indoctrinated to believe that gaining weight or increasing in size are undesirable and shameful


It requires that you relinquish shame and comparison and self-loathing. It requires daily self-acceptance and self-love. Embracing the journey, in short, likely requires of you that which, for however long, you have attempted to stifle and suppress.
And a journey like that is bound to have its ups and downs.


Some days I love my new curves, and some days I miss my protruding hipbones. Some days I can’t wait to eat, and some days I miss the time when I didn’t. Some days I feel confident in my recovering body, and some days I miss the security of my sick one.


As twisted as it may sound, I can tend to idealize and romanticize the era of my eating disorder. That place of frailty and starvation had become so seemingly safe and comfortable. But when I take the time to thoroughly reflect on those years, I realize that there was something dead in me that is now being nourished and tended to and cared for.




…when I take the time to thoroughly reflect on those years, I realize that there was something dead in me that is now being nourished and tended to and cared for


And that is what embracing recovery is all about—


realizing that your growing body is not a sign of failure, but rather a testament of victory in the courageous fight for your life. How exciting is that?


Here are four simple reminders to aid in learning to embrace your journey and all that comes along with it:
One:


You do not need to explain or justify the way your body changes, the weight you gain, or your personal choices regarding recovery to anyone else, especially to those sneaky lying voices.
Two:


Gaining weight ≠ losing value as a human being, despite what the magazines declare, despite what certain men allegedly prefer, and despite what we may sometimes resort to believing. Remember: growth = good.
Three:


Surrounding yourself with kind and hopeful people who support your recovery journey and promote your recovering body is key to success.
Four:


Some days are bound to be more difficult than other days, but this does not negate that which you know to be true. You will fall down once in a while, and that is okay. The important thing is that you remember that you do have the strength to get back up, and that you do have the authority to declare truth and freedom in this area of your life.




The important thing is that you remember that you do have the strength to get back up, and that you do have the authority to declare truth and freedom in this area of your life.

Just a little update

I know that this post is well over due and for that I apologise. I was hoping that when I completed university last semester I would have more time for blogging but sadly that has not been the case at all. Life has been super busy and I am a little worried about how hectic things will be when I return to uni for my next semester. Part of me is excited to get back into studying again as I truly do love learning, especially about health science however another part of me is feeling a little lazy about going back to studying. I am confident however that I will be able to keep a happy and balanced lifestyle again this year, as I was able to do last year. I was so proud of my results for my last semester of study and even prouder that I was able to stay so healthy and happy while achieving those results, unlike at times in the past when I was unable to do this.

Outside of study and work, things are still great for me. Things are as wonderful as ever between my gorgeous boyfriend Nathan and myself and I am still feeling fantastic on my Herbalife Nutrition program. I feel as though my relationship with food is still wonderful and I am able to just enjoy everyday the way all people should be able to, with no added anxiety, fear or stress. Life is simply good! I exercise most days, either at the gym or by going for a walk with a friend and I love feeling so fit and healthy. Something I have found since being on my Herbalife nutrition program is that my immune system is incredible. I cant remember the last time I was sick and even when those around me get colds or illnesses, I never seem to get them. I guess this just goes to show how healthy my body really is now, as it manages to fight off any viruses before I actually start experiencing any symptoms.

My weight is stable and I do not feel as though I have to try really hard to keep it that way. I just listen to my body and it tells me if I need to eat more to make up for any extra physical activity I may do. I know approximately how many calories I eat each day (lets be honest, its difficult not to know how much we eat in terms of calories as post anorexics) but eating more or less doesn't scare me. Of course I try not to eat less then my usual amount most days but occasionally due to lack of appetite or hectic work hours I will eat slightly less. Just as I sometimes eat more if I have a weekend away or am extra Hungary. Neither of which scare me anymore which feels great. I know that this wont affect my weight and that this is just how normal people live!

Nathan and me (far left) with our gang at the Adelaide Herbalife Spectacular Party

Nathan and I (taken out with friends in Hobart) 

Since starting Herbalife and making a full recovery from anorexia, I feel the healthiest and happiest I ever have in my life!

What it means to be recovered article

Article  from: https://www.recoverywarriors.com/what-does-it-mean-to-recover-from-an-eating-disorder/?utm_content=buffer00bb4&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

When I first entered into treatment, I believed that once I put on the weight that I had lost and learned how to eat normally, I would be recovered. I didn’t think about the processing that had to happen in order to fully leave the eating disorder in my past. I thought that recovery was simply about food– that once I was able to complete my meal plan 100% and avoid using behaviors such as diet pills, laxatives, and exercise, I would be discharged from treatment and be able to return to my life. But in reality, recovery is about so much more than food.

Weight restoration and normalized eating is a part of it, but recovery goes so much deeper than that.

Recovery is about discovering everything that is within you. It is about knowing and reassuring yourself that this is something you did not choose, but you are choosing to be brave and move past it, despite your mind telling you otherwise. It is coming out stronger on the other side because you know that recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. It is sharing your story and helping others. It is no longer competing with the people around you to be the skinniest, but instead choosing to strive for health and happiness.

Recovery is about enjoying all types of food and not just sticking to a meal plan of quinoa, green smoothies, and Clif bars. It is going to get ice cream with your friends at 10 o’clock on a Tuesday night because you’re hungry and it’s 95 degrees outside. Recovery is being able to enjoy your birthday cake and not pack a separate dinner that you bring to the hibachi restaurant. It is being able to eat a doughnut for your afternoon snack, and still eat a normal dinner. It is being able to eat a salad and do so in a healthy way, without thoughts racing of how salad should be the only thing you eat for the next week. It is bringing scones into work and eating some in addition to your breakfast because you want to celebrate that it’s Friday with your coworkers.

Recovery is going on a walk with your best friend to talk about old memories without counting every step you take.

It is going to the gym to do yoga or a spin class without spending the whole day on the treadmill. It is sleeping in on a Sunday morning because you were up late the night before, and it is okay to take a break. Recovery is going out with friends and having a drink because the extra calories will not break you. It is taking the day off from work when you are sick because your body needs rest to heal.

Recovery is knowing that not everything has to be perfect. It is being able to ask for help on a math problem because you are learning and are not expected to know everything. It is getting a C on a test and taking the time to learn what went wrong without punishing yourself by not eating for the next week. Recovery is making mistakes and knowing that you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. It is getting into a fight with your boyfriend and knowing that with time things will heal.

Recovery is taking risks. It is showing emotions rather than covering everything up with a fake smile and telling everybody that you are fine. It is going up to the girl reading your favorite book and sparking a conversation that leads to an excellent friendship because you’re not worried that she is going to judge you for your body. Recovery is applying to the internship even if you’re just a freshman because even applying is good experience and will only help you in the long run. It is trying a sport that you’ve never done before because you want to have fun with your friends, and it is not important if you are the best one or not. It is signing up for a Spanish class when you have never taken a foreign language because you want to try something new.

Recovery is about creating a life outside of the eating disorder. It is being able to feel safe outside of a treatment center. It is being able to eat in front of people you have never met before without fear that they are constantly judging everything morsel you eat. Recovery is graduating from residential and PHP and wanting to start a new life rather than go back to treatment because that is where you feel the most accepted.

It is growing and healing and beginning to turn into a new and improved version of yourself.

Recovery is knowing that there will be times when things get incredibly difficult. It is knowing that slips and relapses will happen, but you can get back up. It is going back to treatment with more motivation than ever and coming out stronger. It is knowing that recovery is not linear. Recovery is feeling all emotions and accepting them. It is being angry and sad and crying in front of other people because you are human and you have feelings just like everyone else in this world. Recovery is being okay with things being out of control. It is picking yourself back up again when you fall.

Recovering from an eating disorder is about so many things, but most importantly, it is about finding yourself. It is about going after your dreams and fighting for your passions. It is living life feeling free. It is showing the remarkable amount of strength and courage you have inside of you. Recovery is about finding your light and spreading it around the world. Recovery is falling in love with being alive. Recovery is more than existing, it is living. Recovery is wonderful.

Today, I am beyond grateful that I have gotten the chance to recover. This journey has been anything but easy, but today I am stronger than ever. Rock bottom has become the foundation upon which I have rebuilt my life. I am growing and flourishing, and none of this would have been possible if I stayed in my eating disorder. Recovery is hard and scary, and sometimes seems like it will ruin your life, but when you fight long and hard enough, you realize how much more there is in life than anorexia. Life is beautiful, so go out there and chase it. Go after your dreams. Fight for what you believe in. Accept love and radiate love. You belong in this world. You are beautiful.

Narcissist parent

My childhood and teenage years weren't exactly easy and I know that what I went through over this time significantly contributed to my low self esteem as well as the development of my anorexia. At the time I had no idea why my mum was treating me the way she was but now I know that she was treating me differently from my siblings because she was in capable of feeling maternal love towards me. I remember balling my eyes out and asking her why she hated me so much and eventually she stopped denying that she hated me and just admitted that she didnt know why she couldnt love me like she did my siblings. Accepting this was hard and to begin with I tortured myself for year's trying to win her love. All I got from her however was more emotional abuse and neglect.

In the early stages of my eating disorder when I had just started making myself vomit after eating sometimes I remember breaking down and telling my mum what I had been doing. I expected her to take me to the doctor or atleast try to help me through it. All she did however was tell me that "you should stop that"andInever heard another word about it again until I was hospitalised about 4 months later. She hever once asked me if I was ok or if I was still practicing that dangerous behaviour. I asked her later about why she didnt do anything when I told her what I had been doing and she told me she was too busy dealing with my little sister to worry about me too. Also, when I was first hospitalised I remember laying in my hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors and unable to even walk to the toilet and having my mum call me and growl at me for not taking my text books to hospital with me as I would miss out on studying. She wasnt concerned about the fact that my heart was failing or that I was very sick, all she cared bout was me missing out on school.

These are just a few of the signs that my mum didnt have normal maternal feelings towards me. She was also very jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and she felt incredibly threatened if ever my younger sister looked up to me as a mother figure also. Mum was an alcoholic so whenever she got drunk, her true loathing for me really came out. Atleast while she was sober she could try and hide the fact that she didnt care about me the way she did about my 2 brothers and sister.

The reason I am writing this post today is to reach out to anyone else who my have a narcissistic parent. In order for me to recover, I had to cut myself off from my mother all together and had to stop trying to get her to love me the way I always wanted her too. I highly recommend you try to cut your parent off too, if they are a narcissist, or atleast stop trying to win their love. The truth is, your narcissistic parent can not love you unless you are their 'golden child' and as long as you try to get them to, you are only torturing yourself. I have accepted I will never have a mum and that is completely ok. I have so many other wonderful people in my life so I really dont need her, one little bit! And oneday I hope to have a daughter so I can have the mother daughter relationship with her that I never got to have with my own mum.

21 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (Be Concerned if She Has Many of Them)

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/do-i-have-a-narcissistic-mother-21-signs-of-a-narcissistic-mother/

• 1. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This is a defining feature of narcissism. She will steal the spotlight or spoil any occasion if someone else is the center of attention.

• 2. She demeans, criticizes and makes derogatory remarks to you. She always lets you know that she thinks less of you than your siblings or other people.

• 3. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. There is no privacy in your bathroom or bedroom; she regularly goes through your things to find information she then uses against you.
• 4. She ‘favoritizes’. Narcissistic mothers often have one child who is “the golden child” and another who is the scapegoat.
• 5. She undermines She will pick a fight with you or be especially critical and unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort.
• 6. Everything she does is ‘deniable’. Cruelties are couched in loving terms; aggressive acts are paraded as thoughtfulness.
• 7. She makes YOU look crazy. When you confront her with something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (common phrase that abusers use to invalidate your experience of their abuse) or that she has “no idea what you are talking about”.
• 8. She’s jealous. If you get something nice, she’ll take it from you, spoil it for you or get something the same or better for herself.
• 9. She’s a continuous liar. To you, she lies blatantly. To outsiders, she lies thoughtfully and in ways that can always be covered up.
• 10. She manipulates your emotions in order to “feed on your pain”. This behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that they are often referred to as “emotional vampires”.
• 11. She is selfish and willful. She makes sure SHE has the best of everything and always has to have her way.
• 12. She is self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are Very Important and yours are irrelevant or insignificant.
• 13. She is almost absurdly defensive and extremely sensitive to criticism.
• 14. She terrorized you. Narcissists teach you to beware of their wrath. If you give her everything she wants, you might be spared; but if you don’t-the punishments WILL come.
• 15. She’s childish and petty; “getting even” with you is important to her.
• 16. She is aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She won’t take no for an answer-she will push, arm-twist, or otherwise manipulate or abuse you until you give in.
• 17. She “parentifies”. She sheds her parental responsibilities to the child as soon as she is able.
• 18. She is exploitive. She will go to any length to get things from others for nothing (work, money, objects)- including taking money out of her children’s account or even stealing their identities.
• 19. She projects. She will put her own poor behavior or character onto you so she can punish you. For example, you refuse an especially outlandish request of hers, she becomes enraged and furious at your refusal, then screams at you, “we’ll talk about it after you’ve calmed down and aren’t hysterical”.
• 20. She is never wrong about anything. She will never, ever genuinely apologize for anything she has done or said.
• 21. She is not aware that other people have feelings. She will occasionally slip up in public, and because of her lack of sympathy, will say something so callous it causes disbelief in people. The absence of empathy is another defining trait of narcissism and underlies most of the other signs that are on this list.