The time to recover is NOW

Mindful Colouring

Although I haven't had enough time to do very much colouring, I have really enjoyed the bits I have been able to do so far. I can see how this can be helpful to help you to relax and plan to use it as a healthier coping mechanisms in the future for whenever I get anxious or stressed. :)

My first completed colouring in

Still working on this one!

Waking up feeling fantastic

After a wonderful nights sleep last night, I have woken up feeling fantastic and positive and full of energy. I still fall asleep early every night while I am watchinng tv but I am managing to stay asleep until 6:00 am each morning which is amazing for me as I have had trouble sleeping in the mornings for the last few years. The only reason that I can think of that explains my improved sleep patterns is that I have allowed my body to heal through nourishing it and making recovery progress. So if you have troubl sleeping, impproved sleep may be another reason to motivate you to recover too! 

Today I am working at the supermarket which I am actually quite looking forward to as my cousin Jemma (who is also one of my best friends) is going to be working as well. Although we will obviously be working, it will still be nice to have one anoythers company. Even though we do get tired of telling the customers that no we aren't sisters or twins (as eryone seems to think we are)! It is also school holiidays a the moment which means that it will be quite busy at the shop which is really good too. I find that the dayss always go much faster when it is busy and when there is always something to do. 

My cousin jemma and me (Do you think we look alike?)

After a rainy day yesterday, it looks as though it is going to be a nice sunny day so I am looking forward to getting out and taking Tess for a nice walk before work. I also need to get ready and straighten my hair so I really should make a start. i am looking forward to having the day off tomorrow so that I can catch up on my house work and also so that I have some quality blogging time. I have had some good idea over the past few days for post ideas but just haven't had the time to write about them yet, so those posts will be comiing tomorrow!

Have a great day everyone, can you believe that it is the last day of September already? This year is going so fast! It will be christmas before we know it! 

forgiving yourself

Although I have spent the last 24 hours really upset and frustrated with myself for something that happened at work yesterday, I have finally realised that beating myself up wont help matters at all. I have always been a perfectionist and have always been very hard on mysef whenever I made mistakes.

The thing that I need to keep reminding myself is that everybody makes mistakes and no one can be perfect all the time. I think that it is important that I can learn to accept this simple truth, that no one can be perfect all the time. Just as important is that I learn how to forgive ourselves, if ever things don't work out the way I would have liked them too or if I make a mistake.

Sometimes unfortunate things happen and sometimes we may be partly responsible for these things happening but there is no point in continuing to feel guilty and upset about these types of things forever. We need to be able to accept any mistakes that we may make in life, learn from them and move on.

So right now I am going to forgive myself for what has gone wrong, learn from my mistake and just do everything in my power to stop it from ever happening again. There is still a chance that the situation will be resolved but if not, it isnt the end of the world. I should just be grateful that I am healthy and I should not waste anymore time being unhappy, especially since being unhappy won't solve any problems.

Remember that no matter what mistakes you may make in life, all that matters is that you learn from them and do everything in your power to make things better. Nobody else is perfect in this world and you are no different. So forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made in the past and move forward. Making mistakes really is inevitable but letting them get you down isn't!  

And then... It rained

I has been raining since about 3 o'clock this morning which is a huge relief. I am trying to be positive by seeing  the rain as a sign that today will be a much better day then yesterday and that the thing that has been worrying me since yesterday, is going to be ok. To most people, rain is probably seen as a negative thing however when you live on a farm, it is literally like gold.

We are currently in a drought and since my family have a farm, this effects us sigificantly. There is currently no grass for the sheep and we also have no pasture to fatten our lambs on this summer. This means we will either have to pay to agist our sheep elsewhere or we will have to sell them off really early which will also make us lose a lot of money.

I don't know if the rain will stop for long enough for me to take Tess for a quick walk before work or not. Getting out and clearing my head would probably do me some good but at the same time, I am finding it really difficult to get motivated to do anything. I have 1000 thoughts racing around my mind and I just hope with all of my heart that everything works out today and the thing I am worried about will be resolved.

I hope that everyone has a good day. And remember that no matter how bad things may seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. This is what I keep telling myself anyway.

Anorexic behaviours are not a healthy coping mechanism

After having an extremely stressful day yesterday, I was very tempted when I got home last night to not eat my normal amount. Not only was I not hungry (in fact I felt quite sick due to being so worried and stressed) but I also had a voice in my head telling me that I didn't deserve to eat and that by not eating, I would feel much better. I suppose it makes sense that when bad things start happening that you feel you have no control of, you are able to find comfort in controlling the things you can control, like what you eat. 

Despite the fact that I didn't feel like eating and my anorexia was encouraging me not to eat, I ate anyway. I know deep down that not eating would not fix any of my proplems and that through not looking after myself, I would oly be making thing harder for myself. I suppose a big part of recovery is not only learning to eat like a normal person again, but also starting to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Understanding that controlling your weight and food intake does not solve any problems is so important, as is knowing that there are healthier coping mechanisms we can use instead.

Learning healthier ways to manage stress

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm

 

If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

Stress management strategy #1: Get moving

Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress, but you don’t have to be an athlete or spend hours in a gym to experience the benefits. Just about any form of physical activity can help relieve stress and burn away anger, tension, and frustration. Exercise releases endorphins that boost your mood and make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction to your daily worries.

While the maximum benefit comes from exercising for 30 minutes or more, you can start small and build up your fitness level gradually. Short, 10-minute bursts of activity that elevate your heart rate and make you break out into a sweat can help to relieve stress and give you more energy and optimism. Even very small activities can add up over the course of a day. The first step is to get yourself up and moving. Here are a few easy ways:

• Put on some music and dance around
• Take your dog for a walk
• Walk or cycle to the grocery store
• Use the stairs at home or work rather than an elevator
• Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot and walk the rest of the way
• Pair up with an exercise partner and encourage each other as you workout
• Play ping-pong or an activity-based video game with your kids

Managing stress with regular exercise

Once you’re in the habit of being physically active, try to incorporate regular exercise into your daily schedule. Activities that are continuous and rhythmic—and require moving both your arms and your legs—are especially effective at relieving stress. Walking, running, swimming, dancing, cycling, tai chi, and aerobic classes are good choices.

Pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to stick with it. Instead of continuing to focus on your thoughts while you exercise, make a conscious effort to focus on your body and the physical (and sometimes emotional) sensations you experience as you’re moving. Adding this mindfulness element to your exercise routine will help you break out of the cycle of negative thoughts that often accompanies overwhelming stress. Focus on coordinating your breathing with your movements, for example, or notice how the air or sunlight feels on your skin. Getting out of your head and paying attention to how your body feels is also the surest way to avoid picking up an injury.

When you’ve exercised, you’ll likely find it easier to put other stress management techniques to use, including reaching out to others and engaging socially.

Stress management strategy #2: Engage socially

Reach out and build relationships

• Reach out to a colleague at work
• Help someone else by volunteering
• Have lunch or coffee with a friend
• Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly
• Accompany someone to the movies or a concert
• Call or email an old friend
• Go for a walk with a workout buddy
• Schedule a weekly dinner date
• Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club
• Confide in a clergy member, teacher, or sports coach

Social engagement is the quickest, most efficient way to rein in stress and avoid overreacting to internal or external events that you perceive as threatening. There is nothing more calming to your nervous system than communicating with another human being who makes you feel safe and understood. This experience of safety—as perceived by your nervous system—results from nonverbal cues that you hear, see and feel.

The inner ear, face, heart, and stomach are wired together in the brain, so socially interacting with another person face-to-face—making eye contact, listening in an attentive way, talking—can quickly calm you down and put the brakes on defensive stress responses like “fight-or-flight.” It can also release hormones that reduce stress, even if you’re unable to alter the stressful situation itself. Of course, it’s not always realistic to have a pal close by to lean on when you feel overwhelmed by stress, but by building and maintaining a network of close friends you can improve your resiliency to life’s stressors. On the flip side, the more lonely and isolated you are, the greater your vulnerability to stress.

Reach out to family and friends and connect regularly in person. The people you talk to don’t have to be able to fix your stress; they just need to be good listeners. Opening up is not a sign of weakness and it won’t make you a burden to others. In fact, most friends will be flattered that you trust them enough to confide in them, and it will only strengthen your bond. And remember, it’s never too late to build new friendships and improve your support network.

Stress management strategy #3: Avoid unnecessary stress

While stress is an automatic response from your nervous system, some stressors arise at predictable times—your commute to work, a meeting with your boss, or family gatherings, for example. When handling such predictable stressors, you can either change the situation or change your reaction. When deciding which option to choose in any given scenario, it’s helpful to think of the four A's: avoid, alter, adapt, or accept.

Avoid the stressor

It’s not healthy to avoid a stressful situation that needs to be addressed, but you may be surprised by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

• Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, taking on more than you can handle is a surefire recipe for stress. Distinguish between the “shoulds” and the “musts” and, when possible, say “no” to taking on too much.
• Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life, limit the amount of time you spend with that person, or end the relationship.
• Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn off the TV. If traffic makes you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route. If going to the market is an unpleasant chore, do your grocery shopping online.

Stress management strategy #4: Alter the situation

If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life.

• Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you’ve got an exam to study for and your chatty roommate just got home, say up front that you only have five minutes to talk. If you don’t voice your feelings, resentment will build and the stress will increase.
• Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you’ll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.
• Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don’t overextend yourself, you’ll find it easier to stay calm and focused.

Stress management strategy #5: Adapt to the stressor

How you think can have a profound effect on your stress levels. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a tension-filled situation. Regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude to stressful situations.

• Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favorite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.
• Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
• Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.”

Stress management strategy #6: Accept the things you can’t change

Many sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors, such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than railing against a situation you can’t change.

• Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control—particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.
• Look for the upside. When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.
• Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negative energy by forgiving and moving on.

Stress management strategy #7: Make time for fun and relaxation

Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you’ll be in a better place to handle life’s stressors.

Develop a "stress relief toolbox"

Come up with a list of healthy ways to relax and recharge. Try to implement one or more of these ideas each day, even if you're feeling good.

Go for a walk Spend time in nature Call a good friend Play a competitive game of tennis or racquetball Write in your journal Take a long bath Light scented candles

Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea Play with a pet Work in your garden Get a massage Curl up with a good book Listen to music Watch a comedy

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.

• Set aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule. Don’t allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries.
• Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy, whether it be stargazing, playing the piano, or working on your bike.
• Keep your sense of humor. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

Stress management strategy #8: Adopt a healthy lifestyle

In addition to regular exercise, there are other healthy lifestyle choices that can increase your resistance to stress.

• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.
• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end in with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you’ll feel more relaxed and you’ll sleep better.
• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.
• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

Feeling stressed

After an incredibly stressful day, I felt as though I needed to read something like these. I really don't feel like talking about it, all I will say is that I really hope things are better tomorrow :(

Extreme calorie counting

Looking back, I still cant believe just how bad my calorie counting was and how obsessed I was with calculating the exact number of calories that everything I ate contained. I would weigh absolutely everything I ate so that I could calculate the exact number of calories and refused to eat anything prepared by anyone else. Even though I would weigh each thinng many times before eating it, I would still often freak out when I was half way through  meal that Imay have made a mistake or that the scales may not have been working properly.

I would make sure that I ate the exact same number of calories ever single day and I wouldn't let myself go over this amount by even a single calorie. Preparing food took a long time as I had to weigh out absolutely everything I was using and then also do the math to calculate the number of calories and add it into my calorie counter. I would reweigh things that had the nutritional values already writtten on them so that I could calculate the EXACT amount.

There was no type of food that I would not weigh (except liquids like milk which I would measure out with a measuring cup. I would even weigh things like pieces of fuit, salad and vegetables. I will use breakfast as an example of my extreme calorie counting. I would weigh the slices of bread that I was going to use for my toast and then also the spreads that I was going to be putting on them. If  I had something like apple and custard oats I would weigh out the oats and sweetner I was going to be using, weigh out the custard and then cut up an exact weighed amount of apple to stir through.

I honestly dont know how I did what I did. Just the thought of doing this insane calorie counting whilst preparing food and planning what to eat seems like such a huge waste of time and effort. I suppose at the time I ddn't really have anything else happening in my liffe to concentrate on but I still don't know how Icould have been bothered to go to all that effort, just so I could know that I was eating an exact number of calories each day.

At one stage I was also counting macros which was even more awful as I didn'tt only need to eat an esact number of calories eah day, but I had to eat a mixture of foods that would fit perfectly into my macronutrient goal too. The amount of time I have wasted in my life with this useless calorie/macro planning and counting really does make me sick and if you are currently living the sae way, I highly encourage you to try and get out of these unhealthy behaviours now. Life really is to short to be spending so much time doing these absolutely pointless things and letting go of these behaviours is very important for your recovery.

Even though I still have a fair idea of the amount of calories I eat as I like to make sure I am reaching my minimum calorie target each day, I have no idea of the exact number of calories and I also have no idea about how much of each macronutrient I eat. Letting go of these behaviours was one of the greatest challenges in my recovery  but I am proud to now say that I have managed to do it and I know that you can do it too. It feels so good to now have the freedom to eat exactly what I feel like, despite how many calories grams of carbs, fat or protein it may contain.

Another great day

Today has been another great day. We went down stairs and had a delicious all you could eat continental breakfast. I had fruit salad, yogurt and also some buttered toasted fruit loaf (aka Raison toast). After that we went and did a litle more shopping at KMART. Whhich is a shop in Australia that sells basically everything. I bought a new phone case, some new plates and bowls (as I never have enough crockery when I have people over) as well as a mindfullness colourring in book and some crayola twistable pencils. I have wanted an adult colouring in book for ages but they were always sold out wherever I looked so I was so happy to find one. 

We then went to a supermarket where I did quite a big grocery shop. I stocked up on frozen meals which were really cheap and also bought some nice treats like yoghurts, rice puddings and snacks that aren't available in Swansea which was good. I know that eating frozen meals is probably quite laazy but I honestly think that they taaste amazing and they are so easy for me to cook with some extra vegetables when I get home late from work. Before we started our long journey home we went to Wendys where we both got a thick shake. It was the first thick shake I have had for about 4 years and it tasted amazing!

On the way home we listened to music and the tri didn't seem to take too long. After driving all around tthe city of Launceston, I left feeling totally confident about doing it again in the future. I guess that this just shows that the only way to overcome your fears and anxieties is by being brave and concquereing them. I used to be erriified about driving in any city but now after doing in 3 times it no longer akes me nervous at all. The next thing I need too try and do is driving in Hobart which is a bit carier fr me as I don't know Hobart as well and it seems to be a bit busier.

I dropped Jemma off but we planned for me to go and meet her later that afternoon to take our dogs for a walk. After having a quick lunch I firstly went and saw my mum and also bought a new pair of shorts as the ones I was wearing were too small. I didn't realise that they didn't fit anymore until I started walking as they kept riding up and it made them too short. These particular shorts were actually to big this time last year so it feels strange for them to no longer fit me. I know that this is not a bad thing though, it just shows that I am now healthy. Afterall, they were only a size 14 in childrens so I therefore shouldn't be able to fit into them.

I walked Tess to meet up with Jemma and then we went on a HUGE walk. It was really warm and sunny and both us and our dogs really ejoyed ourselves. We had an icecream at the shop before I took her home and then came back to my place. I feel as though I have so much to do before I go back to work tomorrow but I really cant be bothered doing anything. I just had my tea which was special fried rice and vegetables (in one of my new bowls) and now I am trying to get myself motivated to unpack my suitcase and shopping, have a shower, tidy up and get ready for bed. It has been a huge weekend but also an amazing one. It is times like these that I really love being so far along in my recovery as I know that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself like this is I was still sick.

Jemma and I in our  Lee Kernaghan Tank tops before out walk

Tess and I when we got back from our walk

Tea

My honest opinion on 'gaining weight slowly'

I have heard so many people who are trying to recover from anorexia say that they want to gain weight, but they want to do it really slowly and are terrified off gaining weight too fast. I can completely see where everyone is coming from who says this as I too had these exact same feelings and thoughts. For years I had this type of attitude and therefore did not eat proper recovery amounts and made almost no recovery progress at all.

I know that if you are currently experiencing these thoughts, this is probbably the last thing you want to hear but I feel as though I need to be really honest with you. You need to understand that while you are so terrified of gaining weight 'too fast' you are still just being controlled by your anorexic thoughts. I honestly cant reccommend anything other then eating proper recovery amounts as otherwise you will not be providing yourself with enough energy to properly repair.

In my experience, I really dont think it is possible to 'gain weight slowly' and make a full recovery. When Iwas trying to 'recover' at first whilst eating lower amounts, I only gained a kilogram or two in 18 months. Now I look at that time as wasted years of my life as duriin that time my life still revolved completely around my anorexia. The only regret Ihave from myy recovery is that I didn't do it sooner so that Icould have been enjoying my liffe like I currently am, all those years ago.

Try to think about it this way. If you are serious about recovery, you would know that eventually you will have to be a healthy weight. So why spend years getting to a healthy weight when you could do it in a few months. I actually found it so much easier gaining weight fast as it seemed to happen before I really even realised that it was happening. It was like one day I was extremely skinny and the next I was healthy. And because I was gaining as much as 100g per day, the shock of getting on the scale and seeing I had gained weight soon dimished.

So you can try to gain weight really slowly but I hoestly dont think that this is a good choice and I am not even convinced that it is possible. As while you are too scared to eat proper recovery amounts you are actively still listening to your anorexia and therefore giving it strength and power. It is only when you start fighting your anorexia at ever chance you get that recovery really becomes possible.

My weekend so far

This really has been a good weekend away. We got away at abot 11 o'clock and started the drive to Launceston, quickly calling in to see my family on the way. We stopped at Campbelltown to get some fuel and we also got some lunch at Subway. Although I used to eat subway a little, even when I was sick, this was the first time I have had it with yummy filling as I always just used to get boring low calorie salads. This time I had a chicken schnitzel sub with cheese and salad and I really enjoyed it.

We arrived in Launceston just before 2 o'clock which worked out well as this meant we could check straight in to our hotel. I was nervous about driving in Launcmeston, especially since I had my cousin with me but we found the hotel really easily. After checking in we went into the mall to do some shopping. We both found some nice clothes and had a good time exploring Launceston. We got frozen yoghurt which was AMAZING. I tried the nutella, mango and berry flavours and added lots of fresh fruit on top. I wasnt quite sure how nutella frozen yoghurt would taste but it was my favourite flavour!

We came back to our hotel room where we got ready while lostening to music. Then we walked to the Seaport which is where we were booked in to have tea. After trying to decide on what to have, I finally ordered potato gnocci with and My cousin had the fish and chips. I was so pleased with the choice I made as I really enjoyed it and ate it all. We then headed to the Lee Kernaghan concert where we bought some Lee merchandise before going inside. I got a tanktop as well as a new cd as my last cd got stuck in my cd player when I had my car accident so I lost it.

The show was brilliant with some old songs we could sing along to as well as some excellent new ones. The second half of the show was dedicated to the Anzacs so all of the songs represented stories of different soldiers who have fought throughout history to make Australia the wonderful country it is today. It really was a moving experience hearing the stories of our anzacs and Lee Kernaghan did an excellent job. When the show finished, we walked back to the hotel where we stayed up and  chatted for a while before going to bed.

Right now it is 7:15 am and I am just waiting for my cousin to get up so that we can go down stairs and get breakfast. I dont know what I will have but I am thinking maybe poached eggs on toast. We dont really have any big plans for the rest of the day. We will probably just do a little more shopping before we head back home sometime this morning. I am kind of dreadinggoing back to work tomorrow and out of the next 20 days I am only  going to  have 2 days off as I have to work the next two weekends. I know I just need to keep looking forward to my cruise and thinking about the extra money I can save and I will get through it.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend. Take this chance to step outside your comfort zone and do something fun. Even if this  may cause you a little anxiety, just remember that it will soon pass however the wonderful memories you make will last a lifetime. :)

A few pictures from my day :)

Binging and Purging

The only time I have ever experienced the feeling of loosing control with food is when I was restricting what I ate and trying to loose weight before my anorexia completely developed. I suppose that this what the warning sign that my relationship with food really wasn't that healthy as I really was willing to do anything at all, to prevent myself from gaining weight, even if it meant making myself sick. Even now, I think I am still frightened of undereating as this is what initially led too me loosing control with food. 

Even though I have made a promise to myslef that Iwill never make myself purge again, I am still scared that I will put myself in a position whereby I feel as though I need to make myself sick again, after loosing control and binging. Although it has been years since I last made myself sick, I remember it as being the most awful experience of my life. It was so painful, both physically and emotionally to make myself sick and I never want to put myself in that position again. 

I think that the most important tips to help prevent a binge is to not restrict in the first place and too listen to your body and try your hardest to eat in moderation. Our bodies are extremely clever and know what we need. In my experience, it is only when we deny ourselves of the things that we crave and need that we eventually end up binging which leads to enormous guilt and then sometimes purging too. If you eat what you feel like eating in moderation, whenever you feel like eating it, then chances are you will not end up getting out of control cravings which will lead to you losing control with food.

Whenever I used to 'lose control' with food, I always knew that I was going to make myself sick afterwards the whole time I was eating. Inever ate enormos amounts of food when I 'lost control' with food so I dont even reallly know if it would have constituted a binge but it basically just involved me eating foods that I had told myself I wasn't allowed to eat. For example if I ate dessert one night, then Iwould tell myself that since I was going to make myself sick anyway, I may as well eat a few more nice things before I did. Idon't know why but I have always been quite ashaimed of the fact that I went through this but I now realise that it was nothing to be ashaimed of.

And finally, if you ever do over eat or binge, please DONT make yourself purge. As I have already mentioned, it really was the most awful thing I have ever done to myself and I would not want anyone to go through what I experienced. If you do happen to binge, just take a moment to realise what has happened and perhaps identify any triggers that may have led to the binge and then try your hardest to MOVE ON. Restricting after a binge is the worst thing you could possibely do as this just means that you are more likely to binge again in the near future. 

I know I don't really talk about binging and purging all that much as it isn't something that has effected me for a really long time and I guess I have learnt how to overcome it but it is still a really important topic that I am sure is relevant to some of my readers. I suppose my binging and purginng stopped when my restrictive anorexia truly began as once I developed bad anorexia, I stopped ever losing control with food and found a new way to control my weight that didn't involve my going through the pain involved ith making myself sick. 

I just wat to point out that all eating disorders are equally as terrifying for the sufferer and no one should ever feel ashaimed of what they are going through. Although there is possibely more attetion paid to anorexia in the media, other eating disorders like Bulimia, BED and EDNOS are equally as serious. So Ihighly encourage you to get help if you are suffering from any of these illnesses. No one deserves life with an eating disorder of any kind and recoveryr is possible for everyone who believes in it and in themselves. 

Truly living just isn't possible when you are consumed by your eating disorder

I was hopeful that I could still be happy and have a life while living with anorexia for the first few years of my illness. It was only once I had been completely miserable for such a long time that I finally realised that my life wouldn't get better whilst my anorexia was controlling me. This moment was a very important moment in my recovery as it is the moment that I truly started wanting recovery.

I suppose the reason why I was eventually prepared to do whatever I needed to do in order to recover was becauuse I truly started to want happiness, more then I wanted to be thin. And thank goodness I realised that the only way I would ever be happy was if I recovered. I suppose it is quite true what people say, that you need to hit 'rock bottom' before you become ready to make the changes that you need to make, in order to get better

The message I am trying to get accross in this post is that no matter what you may do to try and live a good life and be happy whilst you are living with anorexia, you will never be able to do these things. I know that I usually say that anything is possible a long as you believe in yourself however I do not believe that this is true in this instance. No matter how hard you try, you wil never live a happy and proper life while your anorexia is controlling you.

My life has got so much better since I have made so much recovery progress. I have become more confident and have started going out and enjoying myself more. I have made some wonderful new friends and I have reconnnected with old friends who I lost contact with when I got sick. I have become so happy, positive and bubbly in my everyday life and Ialways have a genuine smile on my face. Iam happy with who I am and for the first time in my life, I truly feel proud of everything I ave achieved and the person that I am.

Please, you deserve to be truly happy and to live a wonderful life but the only way that this is going to happen is if you fight and recover. I know that you have what it takes to recover, so don't put it off ny longer. The sooner you start making recvery progress, the sooner you wiill be living the wonderul life that you truly deserve to live.

Starting the day on a positive note

Today has gotten off to a positive start and I really hope that this continues for the rest of the day too. I got up and made myself a really delicious breakfast which was 4 weet bix, milk, peach and mango yoghurt and a sliced banana which I ate while watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars.

After breakfast I got teady and took Tess for a really long walk which we both really enjoyed. I dont know why but going for power walks always makes me feel really great. So when I finished my walk I was full of energy and feeling as though my mind was nice and clear.

The morning at work has gone quite fast too, which I consider to be a good thing as this means the weekend is quickly approaching. It feels really good knowing that I only have to get through the afternoon and then I have two whole days off.

I am going to have a busy weekend though as I am going to stay in Launceston on Saturday night so my cousin and I can see Lee Kernaghan in concert. I am also hoping to get some shopping done so I have some nice new summery clothes for when I go on my cruise in early December.

Even if things may be tough at the moment, try your hardest to stay positive! I find that if you think positively, positive things are much more likely to happen for you. I also suggest that you always remember to appreciate and concentrate on the positive things in your life, no matter how small they may be.