life is getting busy

I have been so incredibly busy lately but luckily I am not feeling stressed because of this, instead I am just feeling happy and positive. For the first time in about 5 years, I actually feel as though I am truly happy and actually living, which is exactly how things should be for an almost 21 year old.

I am so happy that I have started socialising more and have made some great friends and I just wanted to say that all of you can do this too. It can be really hard to socialise and actually have a life whilst you are sick with anorexia but once you start making recovery progress, you will find that you become much more social again too. :)

Something I feel as though I must apologise for is that I may not be able to continue posting quite as often as I have in the past as I simply dont have the time. I will always try to post atleast once a datday though and I will also try my hardest to reply to emails as quickly as possible too.

I honestly wish that I could write more posts but I really just don't have the time to do this. I feel bad as I really do love blogging and want to help people so much but sometimes I know that I also need to do what is best for me too. Which doesn't involve getting extremely stressed because I am trying to do way more then is possible each day.

I hope that you all understand xx

Feeling amazing after 10 hours sleep

I couldn't believe it when my alarm woke me this morning. I went to bed extremely early so was expecting to wake up in the early hours of the morning as well however luckily I didn't. I suppose I shouldnt be surprised as I have had a massive sleep deprived weekend and my body really did need and deserve a big rest before starting another work week.

So I am feeling motivated about starting another week of work and also excited about my birthday plans this weekend. Its really strange as about a week ago I thought that this was going to be just another uneventful birthday but now I have gone out and made some good friends it looks as though it is going to be a great birthday Weekend. I am so glad now that I have been brave on a few occassions and gone out even if I didn't feel totally comfortable doing so as it has given me confidence and allowed me to fit in with some really great people.

My house is still a bit of a mess from when I had everyone over on Saturday night and I have HEAPS of washing to do but most of that is probably going to have to wait until Thursday when I have a day off. I am so used to having very little to do on the weekends and being able to get all my house work done then but I still prefer going out and having a life any day! Everything else will get done eventually!

I owe my poor dog a really long walk this morning as she has only been on one walk each day over the weekend. Between bad weather and being really busy I just haven't been able to take her as often which I am feeling pretty guilty about (for her sake, not mine). So I better finish this uphere so that I have enough time to take her for a nice long walk before going to work.

No matter what, Tess is still my #1 girl <3

Important reminder

I saw this on the Butterfly Foundation facebook page and really Liked it so I decided to share it With you all. I hope it is helpful to you in some way :)

A massive weekend

This weekend really has been great but it has also been incredibely tiring. I dont know if I would have even got a single hours sleep last night so I am feeling completely exhausted right now, especially since I worked all day yesterday and also all day today.

The girls picked me up last night at at 6:30 and we all headed to the tavern where we were going to have tea. We all ordered a cocktail as well as tea. I was tempted to have the same meal I always have when I go there (grilled fish) but instead I chose to have what the other girls were having. A real crumbed chicken schnitzel with gravy, chips and salad. I was so glad that I had decided to be brave and had the schnitzel as it really was delicious. Shortly after we finished tea, my brother and some of the other young locals guys turned up so we joined them for drinks.

The pub was closing at 10:00 and I foolishly agreed to let them all come back to my unit. There was only us three girls and about 6 guys but we did have a really great night. We listened to music, chatted and drank but luckily I kept in mind the fact that I had to get up and work in the morning so I didnt let myself drink TOO much. So while I was incredibly tired today, I didnt feel too sick or hungover.

My brother, one of my friends and one of my brothers friends were all still at my house when I went to work this morning and I think that they were feeling much more sick and hungover then me, which made me kind of happy that I hadn't let myself drink as much as the rest of them. the day at work seemed to go very slowly and the whole time I was there I just wished I could have been snuggled up in bed sleeping.

While we were out, My friends and I made plans to go out in Hobart next Saturday night as it is going to be my 21st birthday. I am so glad that I have found these two amazing girls that I can socialise with and do things with. some of the guys may also be coming out with us but we aren't 100% sure yet. Going out with the guys could be fun but so would be just having a real girls night out. So either way, it looks as though it is going to be a great weekend.

We stayed up really late last night but when I did finally get to bed, unforunatly I was strangely unable to sleep. Now I am so tired I feel like I just need to go to sleep but I dont know if I will be able to sleep. And I also know that if I go to bed early, I will most likely wake up very early too. I want to make sure I am feeling refeshed and energized for a whole new work week.

How was your weekend? X

We are not our eating disorders

I was really dissappointed when I heard my younger brother talking the other day about a girl who actually really likes my older brother. I can't rememeber exactly what he said but he was basically suggesting that my older brother should not be with the girl as she was on anti-depressants. Although I didn't confront my little brother about what he was saying at the time, I have thought a lot about it since.

I have met this girl and to me she seems like an incredibly friendly and caring girl with a wonderful personality and it really does sadden me to think that boys can be so shallow as to not want to be with someone, just because they have sufffered from a mental illness at some stage in their lives. Of course, whilst I was thinking about this girl and what my brother said, I began to wonder whether boys who know about my past have the same types of thoughts about me.

I suddenly remembered back to when I was talking to a guy at the party I went to a few weeks ago and another guy came up to him and started whispering in his hear. Shortly after this the boy I was talking too waked away and didn't speak to me again all night. I can't be sure but I really cant help but wonder whether the boy had been told or 'warned' about what I have been through which 'scared him off' talking to me.

I suppose the truth of the matter is, there will always be judgemental and shallow people who judge you based upon how you look or what mental illness you may or may not have suffered from. What we need to remember is that people like these are not the types of people we want to have in our lives anyway.

I do not want to have a boyfriend or even just be friends with somebody if I feel as though I need to hide my past from  them because I am scared that they will not be ble to accept me. I want people in my life who are understanding and sensitive to the fact that I have been through quite a lot in my life and who will support me through any difficulties I may have in the future.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that if somebody is not willing to give you a chance because you have suffered from a mental illness in the past, then they really are not the kind of people you want to spend time with anyway. Try not to worry about small minded poeple as I assure you that they are the ones missing, not you. You deserve soembody who cares about you regardless of whether you have a mental illness or have suffered from on in the past.

Always remember... I believe in you

Even though you may doubt yourself at times, I want you to know that I believe in each and every one of you. I know that you CAN be strong enough, brave enough and smart enough to recover. Deep down you know what you need to do in order to recover and I know that you CAN do it!

Believing in yourself is incredibly important but so is having other people believing in you. Even though I have learnt to believe in myself more now, sometimes I stop believing and at those times, it is only due to my wonderful readers believing in me that I m able to find the strength to keep fighting my anorexia.

So I wanted to let you all know that I honestly do believe in you all. No one is ever too sick to recover and no matter how long it seems to be taking, you just need to keep fighting. There are so many things in this world that are impossble but luckily recovery is not one of them. So please, fight for the life you truly deserve to live.

Waking up happy

I love waking up feeling positive and happy and luckily that is exactly how I woke up this morning. The first thing I noticed as soon as I woke up is that the worst part of my cold has finally passed. My throat feels completely fine, my nose is no longer running ad is head is no longer feeling congested and achy. I am not the type of person who complains or feels sorry for myself whilst I am sick but I must admit it was a nice feeling waking up this morning and feeling so much better today.

I think it is so easy to take feeling healthy for granted and it is only when you have been unwell and then start feeling better again that you really appreciate feeling well and healthy. My mind feels so much clearer and luckily, all of my thoughts are positive ones. I can allready tell that today is going to be a really good day and  I don't mind at all that I have to work. 

At the moment it is raining so I dont know if I will be able to take poor Tess for a walk or not. I feel fine at the prospect of not taking her for a walk wich is really good, as not being able to exercise would have made me quite anxious, not that long ago. Being a farm girl, you would never catch me complaining about the rain anyway as we are desperate need of it. So I am thrilled that it is raining really and hope that it contiues to rain all day.

Like we often are here, we are in the middle of a drought which is pretty awful. It literally means that there is no grass for our sheep and that they therefore are starving. We feed them as much grain and hay as possible but of course this is extremely expensive and we just cant afford to feed them that much. What makes things worse is that we are lambing at the moment and because the ewes are quite weak, it is even harder for them to give birth to their lambs and look after them. :(

I am glad that I am feeling better and more energetic as this has really ended up being quite a busy weekend with, working both today and tomorrow and also going out tonight with some friends. I am so glad that  am not feeling anxious or sressed about going out tonight as I oce would have been, just happy and excited! 

I hope that everyone has a great weekend. Does anyone have anything interesting planned? x

    

For all my readers, but especially Laura

Fat is not the enemy

Society makes us think that eating fat or having fat on your body is bad, I know because I was once made to believe that this was true too. But I assure you, fat really is not something to be feared. While it is not helthy to eat excessive amounts of bad fats or to have lots and lots of excess fat on your body, it is not something that you should be frightened of either. 

When I was at my sickest, I was eating only around 5 grams of fat per day and even then I felt guilty for eating that much. Basically everything I ate had to be fat free and even once I started eating more, fat was the thing that was hardest for me to reintruduce into my diet.

I can honestly say that I have no idea how many grams of fat I eat each day now as I do not count macros but I honestly dont really care anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that fat is just another form of energy that our bodies can use to fuel our bodies. It is not some kind of poison that makes us gain incredible amounts of weight just from consuming it.

I have also realised that having some fat on my body is not a bad thing, in fact it is essential. Without a healthy body fat percentage, I know that my ody can not work effficently and optimally. I know that I will not get my period back if Ido not have enough fat on my body as my hormones wll not be in balance.

It is also important to realise that having a body with no fat on it really is not attractive at all. While I couldn't see it at the time as my anorexia was distorting how I saw my body, I can now see exactly how terrible I looked when I was really underweight. I can honestly say that I never want to look that way again. 

If you don't believe me (I know I probably wouldnt have when I was at my sickest either), then here are some facts on fats from the eat balanced website;

Why do we need to eat fat?

Fat! Don’t be scared of it…  You actually need it in your diet.  Fat doesn’t directly make you “fat” – excess calories make you “fat”.  It’s about getting the right balance.

Fat has had bad press, to the extent that some foods are designed and marketed as ‘fat-free’. But it isn’t all bad. In fact, getting some fat from our diet is absolutely vital.

In this section, you will find out what fats are, why we need them, what they do for us and where we find them in our foods.

Why do we need fat?

Virtually all natural foods contain some fat.  It is in foods because both plants and animals use fats as the most economical way to store energy.  It is needed for their growth, development and function when there is a shortage of food supply (or a shortage of sunlight in the case of plants).

Certain specific dietary fats have other essential functions. We are much like other animals so we do actually need some fat from our diet to survive.  And while in general, as with most things, too much fat is bad, a certain amount is perfectly compatible with good health.

What is fat for?

• A source of energy – Our body uses the fat we eat, and fats we make from other nutrients in our bodies,  to provide the energy for most of our life-functions
• Energy store – The extra calories that we consume, but do not need to use immediately, are stored for future use in special fat cells (adipose tissue)
• Essential fatty acids – Dietary fats that are essential for growth development and cell functions, but cannot be made by our body’s processes
• Proper functioning of nerves and brain- fats are part of myelin- a fatty material which wraps around our nerve cells so that they can send electrical messages. Our brains contain large amounts of essential fats
• Maintaining healthy skin and other tissues.  All our body cells need to contain some fats  as essential parts of cell membranes, controlling what goes in and out of our cells
• Transporting fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E and K through the bloodstream to where they are needed
• Forming steroid hormones needed to regulate many bodily processes

Trust me, I know how hard it is to eat foods that are high in fat when you have such a big fear of it but I promise that it cant hurt you. I was terrified of it once too but now I am no more scared of foods that contain fats then I am of any other food. 

Even if you need to do it gradually, that is completely fine. Just try to slowly reintroduce more and more fats into your diet and eventually your fear will start to fade. If you feel you ned to, just start with healthy fats and then you can progress into eating all other kinds of fats too. 

From experience I can honestly say that it is also possible to eventually accept having fat on your body too. In my opinion, learning that fat is not the enemy really is an essential part of recovery and therefore something I encourage everryone to do.

How is it Friday already?

It's Friday morning here in Australia and I cant believe another work week is already over. It is really scary how fast time is flying by which I think is a good reminder about why we need to take action and start fighting our eating disorders sooner rather than later. I spent years just existing and hoping that I would one day get better before Icam eto tthe realisation that in order to get better, I needed to fight. Life is way to short to waste it sick with an eating disorder so I highly reccommend you start fighting as hard as you possibly can and try and get well as soon as possible.

Although it is the last day of the working week for most, my working week is literally only just beginning. I had a lovvely day off yesterday just pottering around the house and taking Tess for a few walks. Whilst I was on my first walk I rang an old friend called Ella so it was really nice to catch up with her. Mum joined Tess and I on our second walk so that was also nice. I got all of my housework done which was great and also went to the school to watch my little sisters school assembly. After having a lovely day off yesterday, I am feeling energized and positive about starting 6 more days of work today.

I am working at the supermarket all weekend however throughout the winter we close at 4:30 on the weekends instead of 5:45 so it is really nice to have an extra hour or so in the evenings to myself. I am still going out for tea with my two cousins and another friend tomorrow night too which I am really looking forward to. I think the girls are planning on staying out for a while after tea which should be fun however I will try not to go to bed too late as I will still have to be at work at 8:30 the next morning. I wish that I wasn't working however I was not going to let this stop me from going out and enjoying myself.

I better go and start getting ready for work as I still have heaps to do. I have to iron my clothes for work, get myself dressed and ready, walk Tess and make myself some lunch all before driving the 30 minutes to work. I hope that you all have an enjoyable Friday and an even better weekend :)

Anorexia- An Internal Monster

I really enjoyed reading this work of fiction called 'Internal Monster' and thought you may like to read it too. I found it on the following site. called teen-ink......

There’s something inside of me, hairy and covered in horns, that wants to get out. It’s mutiny of my body and mind. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it back. That scares me, because the minute it gets through, I fall apart at the seams.

I harbor a monster.

Okay, so not a literal monster, but a foe. An equal that I cannot best. It was no weak spot, as it’s weak spot is me.

My monster is anorexia.

Weight problems run in the family, I guess. My mother and father are both obese. My godmother is bulimic. My cousin just got gastric bypass surgery. Worst of all, my twin brother weighs less than me and likes to point it out every chance he can get. It’s not hard to become insecure.

Insecurity is where the monster is born.

Somehow, I used to like the monster. He helped me lose twenty pounds in three weeks. I’d have days when I would eat little more than an apple and drink water. My stomach would growl at night and it gave me a sense of pride. In fact, the more it growled, the better I felt.

Then, the monster became a parasite. He sucked at my conscious, telling me that I was ugly and fat, that I would never be loved. I believed him and wasted away on a pointless dream. I came to realize that I was a worthless human being and would never measure up to anyone else. I thought I would be alone forever.

“You’re a disgusting pig,” the monster would whisper into my mind. “Look at that fat stomach. You’ll never be beautiful. Best not eat anything today.”

The anorexia took a toll on my physical health as well as on my mental health. Obviously, I was severely under weight. Dark circles formed under my eyes and I could barely move my limbs. Walking around between classes at school made me very tired. My grades dropped and my parents punished me for it, not realizing the demon ripping me apart in front of their eyes.

One person finally realized my secret, my hideous side, my monster. My twin saw me crying while standing on the scale.

“Eighty-six pounds, Laura? Eighty-six?! I weigh one hundred thirty-one!” Jason exclaimed, disbelievingly. “Shit, Laura. What happened to you?!”

I couldn’t answer him. The monster told me to remain silent.

“What are you doing to yourself? Did you stop eating?! Are you anorexic, Laura?”

“No,” I murmured, shaking uncontrollably. “I’m just on a d-diet…”

“Oh, shut up. Diet? Bullshit. You need help. I’m telling Mom and Dad!”

“No!” I flung my thin, frail body at him and we tumbled to the ground. “You can’t tell them! You’ll ruin it!”

“Ruin it? Look at you!” He got up and dragged me over to the full length mirror in my closet.

The monster was roaring his dislike at Jason, but Jason couldn’t hear him the way I could. It was absolute torture.

“Look at yourself,” Jason demanded. “What do you see?”

I looked. I saw nothing but horror and imperfection. The monster whispered into my mind. “Why do you even bother? Don’t listen to him. I’m the one who’s right.”

“I can’t look, Jason.”

“Look at yourself and then look at me.”

Jason and I used to look alike, except that he was a boy and I was a girl. We were both light brunettes, we both were tall, and we both were athletic.

Now, we looked nothing alike. He looked tan and strong and healthy. I look pale and ill.

The monster told me to run away from here. I tried my hardest to ignore him. “We’re twins,” I told Jason.

“We were twins, Laura.” He grabbed my cold hand, intertwining the fingers. Jason’s hand felt boiling hot and I grimaced. “We’re not the same as we used to be. You’ve changed for the worst.”

“I’m ugly,” I said simply, and the monster nodded his agreement. A tear ran down my cheek and I turned away. I couldn’t stand for Jason to see me cry.

“Look at me, Laura!” He roughly grabbed my shoulder so that I was facing him. I glanced away. “You’ve become a train wreck because of this eating disorder! You need help!”

I broke.

“No!” I screamed at him. “I can’t! This can’t! Jason! I’m fat! You were always the perfect sibling and I couldn’t measure up to you always!”

Jason’s eyes went as wide as saucepans. “Laura, I’m not perfect. You were always the beautiful child.”

The monster said something to me, but I couldn’t hear. “Beautiful? No…”

“Laura, I was always trying to find ways to be like you. Mom and Dad always liked you more. You got better grades. You were better at soccer. Of course, you’re beautiful.”

And through years of treatment, I became better. The monster was vanquished through a little beacon of hope. Hope known as my brother, Jason and his words, “You’re beautiful.”

Why recovery is worth it

Sometimes, you may find yourself wondering whether recovery is worth it or not. I know that I sometimes have these types of thoughts anyway. It is so easy to feel this way because recovery is such a long and difficult process and it really is painful too. But then there are other times that remind us exactly why we chose recovery, even though it is painful and not the easiest option.

Today I suggested to my little sister that we go and get a icecream from the shop when I picked her up from school. Amy picked out one of the chocoate cookie crumble icecreams and I walked straight over  to the other side of the freezer, where the lower calorie icecreams were. I couldn't decide what sort of icecream I was going to getand I couuld tell Amy was getting impatient.

Amy knew I wanted to try the new flavour of Magnum icecream so asked me why I wasn't trying it too. When Amy asked me this question it became so obvious that my anorexia was the only thing stoppping me from getting the icecream I really wanted. So at that moment I reached my hand into the freezer and pulled out one of the magnums and proudly replied to her 'I am!'

Amy and I sat outside of the shop, Happily enjoying our icecreams while we chatted and laughed together. I was so happy to be there with Amy and eating such a delicious icecream (we decided it is the best flavour of Magnum) that I forgot all about feeling guilty or anxious. This is just one example of many wonderful little moments that remind me of what I am fighting for and make me think, 'yes, recovery is definetely worth it.'

Tiredness in recovery

Whilst in recovery, I think that it is incrediby important that you keep yourself well rested and that you get plenty of sleep each night for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I am not sure if anyone else has experienced this as well but my anorexic thoughts are always MUCH stronger when I am tired. I don't know if my anorexia can somehow sense that I am tired and more vulunerable so it gets louder or if the thoughts just get to me more easily whilst I am tired but they definetely do get worse.

Whenever I get run down or exhausted I start getting really bad body image and find it much harder to fight my anorexic thoughts whenever they arise as I simply dont feel like I have the energy to do it. I also find it much harder to think rationly whilst I am tired and my anorexia can therefore 'get away' with more then it would otherwise.

Recovery really does take it out of you, both mentally and physically so you may find that you actually need more sleep whilst you are in recovery then what you would otherwise. As I am sure many of you know, having a constant argument going on inside of your head really is exhausting so your poor brain needs time to rest so that you have the energy to continue fighting each day.

Whenever my anorexia is incredibly strong, I usually just try my hardest to get through the day as best as I possibly can and go to bed as early as possibe. When I wake up in the morning, as long as I have had a reasonable nights sleep I usually find that my anxiety is much better and my anorexic thoughts have quietened down once again too.

I know that sleeping is not always the easiest thing to do whilst you are in recovery. I have struggled with insomnia off and on the whole time I have been sick and it really can take its toll on you. I have learnt a few different tips that help me to get as much sleep as possible, which I will share with you all. I hope that they help! :)

1. Try to go to bed  bed and wake up at about the same time each day. Hopefully your body will eventually get into a good routine and you will be able to fall asleep and wake up more easily at these times. This also helps you to make sure you get enough sleep each night.

2. Dont drink any drinks witth caffeine in them in the evening. This includes many fizzy drinks like coke or pepsi, coffee, Tea and energy drinks. Caffeine generally wakes people up and gives them a little 'kick' and this obviously is not want you want when you are going to bed.

3. If you wake up in the night, try not to check your phone or any other electroniic device, even if you are just checking the time. It has been proven that the just seeing the backlight on electronc devices wakes you up and prevents you from falling back to sleep as quickly. This is also why you aren't really supposed to use electronc devices, straight before going to bed.

4. If you have trouble shutting off from a busy day, try to do something to distract yourself from these busy thoughts. Some people find that reading right before bed is the best way to shut off from a busy day however I just find lying on the couch and watching a series is what relaxes me most (sometimes too much as I often fall asleep whilst doing this).

5. If you wake up in the night and you are hungry, EAT. I think that this was the main cause of my insomnia when I was in the earlier stages of my recovery as I would wake up in the night with hunger pains but not let myself eat anything until breakfast time. If you think about it, after eating recovery amounts all day, 9 or so hours is a long time to go without any more food which is why i suppose your body starts asking for more. Now I have a piece of fruit or something like that whenever I wake up in the night hungry and I am able to fall straight back to sleep once I eat.

6. Try to avoid long naps durin the day. If you sleep-in really late or have a lonnng nap durin the day, you will mosyt likely find it harder to get to sleep at a normal time that night. If you are feeling really tired during the middle of the day nd you are at home, you can have a little sleep but I always set an alarm so tht I sleep for no longer than half an hour or so.

Finally I just want to say how important it is for you to rest when you are feeling especially tired. Feeling tired or exhausted is a sign that you need to slow down and do less. Of course anyonne should do this however I believe it is particularly important for people in recovery from anorexa, as they always need to be ready and energized so that they can fight their anorexia, whenever they need to.

Time for a break

After a very busy start to the week, I am glad to say that I can finally have a bit of a rest. I drove to Bicheno on both Monday and Tuesday and then worked at the supermarket for the whole day today. After finishing work at 5:45 I went straight to yoga so I didn't get home until almost 8:00 pm. I had soup for tea with buttered fresh bread so that was a really quick and easy meal. I love eating hot soup when it is cols outside and it was also really esy for me to eat with my sore throat.

I am so gllad to have the day off tomorrow and I plan to make the most of it as I will have to work from Friday to the following Thursday without a break. Over the past few days the morning and nights have been freezing cold however the days have been sunny and warm so I really hope that it is nice again tomorrow. I would love to be abe to spend some time outside with Tess and to go for some nice walks.

Besides that I really dont have any other plans. Of course I will need to catch up on some house work as my house need to be tidied, my floor needs to be vacuumed and I need to wash some clothes but besides that I will just be taking it easy and having a rest day. I am actually feeling quite good despite my cold, however I think a rest day is exactly what I need to try and get rid of my cold all together. Fingers crossed I am feeling better before this weekend as it has ended up being quite a busy one.

I hope that everyone else is having a lovely week. Please keep fighting and keep believing. You really can do anything if you believe in yourself!

A few recent meals

Beef Caneolli with cheesy vegetables (caulliflower, broccolli and pumpkin)

Breakfast: 2 crumpets with crunchy hazlenut spread and a bowl of Cheerios with milk

Morning Tea: 1 orange, 2 'hundreds and thousands' biscuits and 1 nice and natural bar

Lunch: 4 Crunskits with cheese, 1 apple and 1 blueberry full fat greek yoghurt

Tea: 1 bowl of creamy cicken soup with three slices of fresh buttered bread

Maintaining my current weight

*****************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
In this post I talk about my weight and BMI and there are also some photos of me when I was very underweight as well as when I am heealthy.



After getting up and weighing myself this morning, I was quite happy to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was over a week a go when I weighed myself last. My weight has been stable for around a month now and my body seems to be able to run healthily and happily at this weight. I am feeling really quite comfortable with the way my body currently looks which is an amazing feeling as I cant rememebr the last time I was actually happy with my body.

I am currrently eating a minimum daily intake of 2500 calories and I really do feel fantastic. I no longer experience any of the symptoms that I once experienced whilst restricting or undereating. The most noticeable difference to me is not actually with my physical health but instead with my mental health. I find that I can now think so clearly and my anxiety levels are also much lower then they have been for years.


Some professionals may argue that I have not gained enough weight as my bmi is still only 19, which is at the very bottom of the healthy weight range.

I have spoken to my GP about this and she is quite happy for me to remain at my current weight. The goal weight she initially set for me was 50 kg and she was thrilled that I has chosen to gain even more weight myself. My doctor knows how thin my parents and my siblings are and also knows what my figure was like before I developed anorexia and she seems to think that my current weight is a healthy weight for me.

Sometimes I feel as though I should keep gaining some more weight but only so that I can be a good role model for my readers, not for any other reason. I like my body the way it currently is and I worry that if I gain too much more weight I will become unhappy with the way I look again which will lead to bad body image for me as well as a possible relapse. Also, if I was not feeling so healthy and happy then I would be more inclined to gain some more weight, however I am feeling so fantastic, it feels quite unneccesary.

The main reason I don't want to 'stop half way' is beecause I know that making a full recovery is impossible if I faill to reach my natural healthy body weight. If a time ever comes that I feel as though I am still anorexic and unable to make any more progress, then this is when I will start trying to gain more weight again. For now however I can still feel myself making recovery progress and getting healthier and stronger each day so I am just going to continue letting my body maintain, as it currently is.

July 2013

July 2015

Something that I simply cant stress enough is that you need to listen to the doctors and health care professions who are looking after YOU. Just because my doctor says that it is ok for me to stop gaining weight at the weight I am currenttly at does not mean it is necessarily healthy for you to stop at a bmi of 19 too. We just need to do what is the best thing for OURSELVES and concentrate on getting healthy and making a full recovery. Keep fighting everyone, we can do this <3 xx

Tess and myself

Something that I find truly amazing is just how similar my dog Tess and I are. It may sound silly but we actually have so much in common and this is why I often say we are a perfect match for one another.

Firstly, we both have terrible anxiety. The reason why Tess did not work out as a sheep dog for my dad is because she was simply just far too anxious. As soon as we got her when she was a tiny puppy, she ran into a large bush in our garden and didn't come out for days she was so terrified. Even though her anxiety has improveed a lot since I have had her living with me, she still is very frightened of various things. Her greatest fear is of balls. Even if Tess can only hear a ball bouncing in the far distance she will start running in the opposite direction, completely terrified.

We are both active and generally full of energy. We love going for walks and getting out in the fresh air. In saying this, we also like lazing around sometimes and resting. We also both absolutely love food and love eating as well. Just as I am when I meet new people, Tess can be quite shy and even nervous about meeting new dogs. Once she gets to know another dog however and starts to trust them she loves playing and spending time with them. Finally, the last similarity I would like to mention is the fact that we are both incredibly loyal, especially to one another. We fully trust one another and think the absolute world of each other.

I know that this is a really random post but I do find it amazing, just how similar we are. Perhaps this is why we have such a wonderful and ubreakable bond.

Getting my life back

As I have mentioned before, now that I am geting so much healthier, I am starting to want to socialise more again and enjoy my life the way a 20 year old should be. This has beeen quite hard hwever as although I want to start socialisiing again, I no longer really fit into the asocial groups that already exost in the little town I live in and I am  quite shy when it comes to going out and socialising by myself.

This Satrday night however I have planned to go out for tea witth a really nice girl who I met at the party a couple of weeks ago as well as two of my cousins who I get along with really well too. I have to work on both Saturday and Sunday which is a bit of ashaim however I am not going to let this stop me from going out and having a nice girls night out. Afterall, life is supposed to be hectic and busy when you are young and I really do just want to have some fun and live in the moment a little.

I really cant wait to have a night out with the girls and hope that it is just the first of many more  to come!

Social Media

Something that really annoys me is when older people complain about sociaaal media all the time and say how terrible it is that young people use it. I think that this is a really unfair, especially considering most of the people who say this dont even really understand how social media works and have nnever used it themselves. The defiition of social media is;

social media

noun

1. websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or to participate in social networking.

Perhaps the reason why I am so defensive of social media applications is because technically Blogging is in fact a form of social media and I know that I would not have been able to make the recovery progress I haave made without it. I really do feel as though both reading blogs, writing my own blog and talking to other people who have suffered from eating disorders have all helped to save my life, so I will therefore always be grateful for social networking.

I really do believe that the little recovery community that as formed online is the most wonderful recovery resourse there is for people suffering from eating disorders. I found that no doctor or specialist was aactually able to help me to recover and that the only thing that has helped me is talking to other people who are in recovery or who have allrready recovered from anorexia. Reading blogs of people who have already recovered made me realise that recovery is possible and that it is also worth all of the hard work that it involves.

Of course there are some negatives that come with social networking, like anything else. There will always besome people out there who unfortunately misuse social media however I think it is unfair that this minority give social media a bad name. While there are some negatives, I believe that there are far more positives.

Social media allows us to talk to people from all over the world, who we would not otherwise ever have the chance of meeting. I am so thankful for all of the great friends that I have met through my blog and they all help me everyday to keep fighting until I make a full recovery. I also use things like facebook tto keep in touch with friends who have moved away and that I no longer get to see which is great too.

I honestly do not think that there is any problem at all with social networking but instead that the only issues lie with some of it's users. As long as social media is used responsibly, I think it is a truly wonderful thing.

Paleo Diet

Last night I watched a program called 'Sunday Night' which featured a story about a man doing a Paleo diet challenge which I found quite interesting. Dieticians are very sceptical about this type of diet and I must say that I completely agree. While I had heard the term Paleo diet used before, I actually didn't realise just how restrictive the Paleo diet is. The definition of the Pa\aleo diet is as follows

Paleo diet

ˈpalɪəʊ dʌɪət/

noun

noun: Paleo diet; plural noun: Paleo diets; noun: Paleodiet; plural noun: Paleodiets; noun: Palaeo diet; plural noun:Palaeo diets

1. a diet based on the types of foods presumed to have been eaten by early humans, consisting chiefly of meat, fish, vegetables, and fruit and excluding dairy or cereal products and processed food.

I honestly think that if a person wants to limit their intake of sugar and processed foods then that is their choice however I am not convinced that going completely paleo is a very good idea for anyone. For example, I do not think that people need to cut out all dairy products, legumes and wholegrains in order to be healthy. Early humans may have survived on only meat, fruit ad vegetables however I do not think that this means that it is necessarily the best way to live. Afterall, the life expectancy of people was much less back then, than it is now.

I do not think it is a bad idea to try and limit the amount of processed foods you eat and I think it is good to eat as much nutritious food as you possibely can however I think that eating only Paleo foods is extremely restrictive and not necessarily healthy at all. One reason why I would never go fully 'Paleo' is because I simply enjoy non Paleo foods too much. Some people claim that it is better to only eat Paleo foods as all other foods are not good for our bodies. I think it is fine to eat non-Paleo foods however, as long as you eat them along with nutritious foods and in moderation.

Some people may be intollerant to various food groups and may feel better for cutting prticular foods out of their diet however I do not think that there is any need to cut the non paleo food groups out of your diet if your body seems to cope with them fine. For example, no food groups make me feel unwell or cause me digestive discomfort so I do not avoid any food groups and do not think it is necessary for me to do so. I think I have spent enough of my life worrying about food and restricting what I eat to continue doing it anymore for no good reason. 

I agree with what was written as the 'bottom line' on the UPMC website

My Bottom Line

If you want to "health up" your diet, by all means do. But rather than going paleo, try this:

• Do eat three meals a day.
• Do include some protein at every meal and snack.
• Do include foods with color at every meal or snack.
• Do include some grains at every meal and snack, such as cereal, whole grain bread, rice, or pasta.
• Do include a little fat at each meal, such as nuts, butter, salad dressing, oil , or a little mayonnaise.
• Do be selective with some of the less healthy foods.

What are your opinions on the Paleo diet? Would you ever try to follow it yourself?

Super sore throat

I just tried this and it really does work! I cant believe I have never heard aout this before!