If someone had told me I had to chose between eating poison or a chocolate bar I would have chosen the poison. This is because the thought of gaining weight and eating chocolate was scarier for me then the fear of eating poison and possibly dying. I was no longer friightened of death while I was at my sickest. I was never suicidal or wanted to die but I wasn't frightened of death either, I was only frightened of not listeing to what my anorexia told me I had to do.
The only way you can overcome the fears associated with your eating disorder and allow you to recover is to face them. The first time you face a fear it will be terrifying, challenging and most likely an awful experience. You will never feel completely ready to face your fears so please dont wait around for a time when you are completely ready as this will never happen. So while facing your fears is incredibely painful and distressing the first time, you will get through it and be stonger for it. And the next time you need to face that same fear it will be a little easier.
Something I like to ask myself when I am facing a fear is '"what is the worst thing that could happen?' Usually the answer I get when I am being completely honest is able to calm me down and reassure me that everything is going to be ok. Even though I may will still be scared, this allows me to rationalise the fear and make it slightly less scary. For example if I was starting to panic over eating a chocolate bar (which still happens sometimes) I would stop and ask mysef 'What is the worst thing that couuld happen if I eat this chocolate bar'.
My answer would then be that I may gain a little extra weight. I would then remind myself that gaining weight is my purpose at the moment. I need to gain weight and if this chocolate bar makes me gain a litttle extra weight that is GOOD. As it means that I am getting even closer to making a full recovery. Gaining the weight is inevitable if I want to make a full recovery and I therefore should not think of eating a chocolate bar as only something that can possibly make me gain weight, but instead think of it as something that can get me closer to being fully recovered.
I think that the main difference between people who are not yet ready to recover and those that are is that those not yet ready to recover are unable to rationalise their fears and face them. This was the case for me anyway, like when I would have rathered die then gain weight. That fear of gaining weight was so strong that it seemed impossible to overcome at the time. Now, although I am still frightened of gaining weight, I am strong enough to rationise this fear and face it anyway.
So how did I get from there to here? How did I get to the stage when I was ready to recover and fully committ to my recovery? I challenged myself. It took a long time and it was really painful but I did it anyway. Even when it feels impossible to fight your anorexia, please dont wait around waiting for things to change because it wont change on it's own. You need to face your fears and start making progress. This is the only way you will ever free yourself from your anorexia. Dont try and do the things that seem completely impossible at first.
For example the first fear I faced when I started trying to get better was not eating a chocolate bar. It was instead to eat a small pot of diet cocolate mousse that had less calories in it then a small apple. The first time I ate I was so guilt ridden and terrified however it got easier and eventually I was really comfortable with eating that. The next thing I conquered a few months later was eating a piece of thinly spread nutella on toast. Then a few months after that I let myself eat a single piece of chocolate. Was is terrifying? Of course it was but I did it anyway. Eventually I was comfortable enough to eat a treat sized chocolate bar, then a full sized chocolate bar.
Even if you just try and do a little thing that scares you every single day. Please dont get stuck in the daily routine of listening to your anorexia and always doing exactly as it says. Yes it may seem easier to do this then to face your fears but you are not truly living. And the reality is that eventually, living like this will most likely kill you. The only way you will get better is to start making recovery progress which will be painful and terrifying but also completely worth it. You are strong enough to do it, you just need to belive in yourself and give it everything you have got!
No comments:
Post a Comment