Sometimes, everything gets too much

Too say that I am exhausted would be a huge understatement. I think that everything always seems so much worse when you are tired which is probably why everything is gettting to me so much today. Firstly, the person I have been working with at the bank is not being very friendly to me at the moment which has really started to get me down. Everything I do seems to be wrong and she speaks to me awfully mot of the time. I really do not know what to do about this as I honestly think that she just doesn't like me very much and I don't think I can change the way she feels about me. 

We are very different types of people and I think she thinks I am a bit too 'good' all the time. For example I never swear, smoke or drink or anything like that where as she does. We have also grown up in quite different circumstances and have very different ideas and values. I honestly don't judge her for being different to me as I believe everyone has the right to do what they want to do but I do not think she should judge me for being different either. So between that and everything else that has happened over the last few weeks with my mum and family I am feeling really upset and stressed.

When I left work tonight and started the car trip back home, I really felt like cryin about what was going on at work as well as in my family. I am also worried that my dad is upset with me for talking to my mum last week as she has most likely been awful to him ever since. To make things worse, when I pulled into my street tonight I saw my mum pulled over on the side of the road, doing something that made me incredibely angry. If you know about my mum and her problems you can probably guess what she was doing but I was furious as she was about to pick up my little sister who was at my nans house (who lives in the same street as me) and drive her home. 

Putting herself at risk by drving whilst under the influence of alcohol is one thing but to put my lttle sister Amy at risk too is not ok. So seeing this made me incredibely angry and upset with mum. When I got home I realised that my nan had walked my dog Tess for me which meant that there was no need for me to walk her tonight, except that my anorexia really wanted me to go. As I was feeling so awful about everything I knew that going for a walk would make me feel so much better (well thats what my anorexia told me anyway).

I had decided that I would walk Tess however at the last minute I realised that I shouldn't give into my anorexia, just because I am feeling down. Afterall, recovering from anorexia is about learning to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Honestly, their are two reasonss why I stopped myself from walking Tess. Firstly, because I didn't want to let myself down as I knew that I would feel guilty after going for a walk, as I would know I had given into my anorexia. I also didn't want to let my readers down as I want to show everyone who reads my blog that you shouldn't give into your anorexia, no matter how tough things get.

So I came home and warmed up some tea for myself that I had cooked this morning before work, which was lucky because I really didn't feel like cooking, in fact I didnt even feel like eating. As I ate my tea I felt very anxious and guilty which shows me that my anorexic thoughts and feelings are a lot stronger when I am upset or angry. Straight after tea, instead of coping with these feelings by exercising which is what my anorexia wanted me to do, I went for a shower and then started writing this post. Afterall, writing blog posts about how I am feeling is the best way for me to let go of all of the things that are upsetting me. 

Vegetable stir fry

I feel as though blogging is my therapy, which is great as it is a completely harmless coping mechanism. Even if you dont have a blog, I highly reccommend writing your thoughts down in a diary or even just on a piece of paper. Doing this allows you to express how you are truly feeling and to propery process and organise your thoughts, so that you can understand them better. I know I should be really happy that I have made it to the weekend and can now just relax for two days, however I am really strugging to put all of my worries aside. I am hoping that I wil get a great nights sleep tonight and everything will seem better in the morning.