Realising what really matters

Growing up, I worried way too much about what other people thought of me and used the way I looked to determine my self worth. I felt so terrible about myself before I got anorexia and hated myself, only because I was not super skinny. I can now see that the way I felt was completely wrong as there are so many other things that are so much more important in determining your self worth.

I remember when I was about 10 years old, I actually asked my dad if he would still love me if I was fat. My dad of course told me that he would still love me and that it was silly of me to ask such a thing but I still didn't believe him. I honesty felt like I would be unlovable if I was not skinny. I think it is so sad that I had these beliefs and to this day I will never truly understand why I placed so much importance in the way that I looked.

I spent so many years of my life hating who I was a trying to change myself all because I wasn't as skinny as I would have liked. It did not matter that I was smart, kind, caring and understanding, I still hated myself as I wasn't skinny enough. Isuppose that this is because I was a perfectionist and felt as though I needed to be perfect. It is really strange that I felt this way and most of my childhood memories are actually about comments different people made about my weight.

I do not remember any of the nice things people ever said too me, I just remember when people commented on my appearance in ways that I didn't like. For example, I remember a boy telling me my bum was big in year 6 and I also remember my uncle telling me my legs were getting 'fatter'. I suppose that the reasons these types of comments stuck in my head more clearly than any others is because I did care way too much about how others saw me and my body.

Now I have learnt that the way I look or how much I weigh is not what should determine how I feel about myself, I am starting to accept myself for who I am and I no longer hate myself like I once did. I am also starting to realise that if people judge me on my appearance, then I dont really want to associate with them anyway. I know that the typesof people who I want to have in my life will not judgr me in this way and that I therefore should not care what others think.

I still get the same thoughts sometimes, however whenever I do I just quickly remind myself that the way I look is not what truly matters and neither is what others think. It is hard to tell myself this sometimes and I do find myself still worrying about what other people think of me but I will continue working on this so that I can accet myself for who I really am and so that I can stay happy and healthy.