Getting restless in recovery

An unfortunate truth is that recovery from anorexia, or perhaps any eating disorder is a very long process. On average I read somewhere that it takes 7 years for a person to recover from anorexia from the time they were first diagnosed. Of course this may be shorter or longer, depending on the individual but 7 years really is a long time. I wish it didn't take years to recover from anorexia, but unfortunately this is just the way it is.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I feel completely fed up with recovery. Fighting day after day is so tiring and montonous and I so wish it could just all be over. Sometimes, when I can feel and see myself making progress, all of my hard work seems worth it but othertimes, I can go months at a time without seeing any progress at all. When this happens I start to feel as though all my hard work is for nothing and I start to wonder whether I am ever going to make a full recovery.

I know that I really shouldn't complain, as it has only been 3 years since I was diagnosed with anorexia and so many other people struggle for so much longer. When I think about the torture I have been through over the last 3 years, it really makes me think about how strong all of the people are who have been battling for so much longer. I suppose it just goes to show that you really do need to keep choosing recovery, over and over again and not just once.

I guess it makes sense really, that recovery takes so long. After all you neeed to try and change your thought processes and beliefs which is not an easy thing to do. Imagine telling a person who whole heartedly believes in god and has done for some time that they should not believe in god anymore. That person could not just suddenly stop believing in god, their belief in god is a part of them. Even if the person tried to stop believing, deep down they would still think about god and believe. You cant just turn thoughts like these off and anorexic thoughts are exactly the same.

Or if someone told me tomorrow that I wasn't allowed to love my dad anymore, I couldn't just stop loving him. I think that changing your thought processes in regards to food exercise and weight is so much like this. When I first went to hospital after being diagnosed with anorexia, it was already too late. It only took 12 months or so for me to develop these dangerous and anorexic beliefs and thought processes but they really were a part of me. Just because the doctors told me that my anorexia was wrong and a liar did not mean I could instantly stop those thoughts from happening.

I also couldn't change what I honestly believed was true, that I was fat, ugly, unlovable and worthless. It is only now, three years later that I have truly started to believe that these things are not true. I still have a hard time thinking good things about myself but now I truly believe that being me is the most important thing and that there is nothing wrong with just being myself.

Something I do know for sure is that in order to make a full recovery, I need to keep fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter what. The thing that you need to realise is that through giving into your anorexia, whether it be through cheating your meal plan, walking an extra kilometre or not putting butter on your bread, you are reinforcing your anorexic thoughts and unhealtthy thought processes. The only way you can recover is if you replace your unhealthy thought processes witth healthier ones and this will not happen if you are still reinforcing your old unhealthy ones.

Sometimes, the fact that recovery is taking so long really does get me down. Like today, I really just want to stop thinking about eating enough, maintaining my weight or finding my natural set point and not over exercising but the fact is, I cant. I dont want to hear my anorexic voice anymore. That voice has haunted me for three years, making me feel fat and worthless and I really just want it to go away but the frustrating thing is, I cant. As much as I would like to, I cant make that happpen instantaneously, but I can make it happen eventually by continuing to push forward and fight.

Yes I am tired and frustrated but I have come way to far to quit now. If I quit now I will be stuck thinking about those things and hearing that spiteful voice for the rest of my life and I honestly can not even bare the thoughht of that. We always need to remember that while recovery may seem hard at times, even impossible, not recovering is even harder. Atleast through recovery we are eventually rewarded with hapiness and a wonderful life, two thing we can never have whilst we remain sick.

So no matter how fed up you are feeling right now, with your illness or your recovery, remember you have to keep fighting. You really have no choice but to fight as if you do not win this battle, your anorexia will and eventually that can only mean one thing. No one deserves to live a life with anorexia or even worse, die from this illness. Dont let your aorexia win. Who knows how long it will take but you just need to remeber that you can do it. Have faith, keep believing and keep fighting and you WILL get there.