Mindful Colouring

Although I haven't had enough time to do very much colouring, I have really enjoyed the bits I have been able to do so far. I can see how this can be helpful to help you to relax and plan to use it as a healthier coping mechanisms in the future for whenever I get anxious or stressed. :)

My first completed colouring in

Still working on this one!

Anorexic behaviours are not a healthy coping mechanism

After having an extremely stressful day yesterday, I was very tempted when I got home last night to not eat my normal amount. Not only was I not hungry (in fact I felt quite sick due to being so worried and stressed) but I also had a voice in my head telling me that I didn't deserve to eat and that by not eating, I would feel much better. I suppose it makes sense that when bad things start happening that you feel you have no control of, you are able to find comfort in controlling the things you can control, like what you eat. 

Despite the fact that I didn't feel like eating and my anorexia was encouraging me not to eat, I ate anyway. I know deep down that not eating would not fix any of my proplems and that through not looking after myself, I would oly be making thing harder for myself. I suppose a big part of recovery is not only learning to eat like a normal person again, but also starting to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Understanding that controlling your weight and food intake does not solve any problems is so important, as is knowing that there are healthier coping mechanisms we can use instead.

Learning healthier ways to manage stress

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm

 

If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

Stress management strategy #1: Get moving

Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress, but you don’t have to be an athlete or spend hours in a gym to experience the benefits. Just about any form of physical activity can help relieve stress and burn away anger, tension, and frustration. Exercise releases endorphins that boost your mood and make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction to your daily worries.

While the maximum benefit comes from exercising for 30 minutes or more, you can start small and build up your fitness level gradually. Short, 10-minute bursts of activity that elevate your heart rate and make you break out into a sweat can help to relieve stress and give you more energy and optimism. Even very small activities can add up over the course of a day. The first step is to get yourself up and moving. Here are a few easy ways:

• Put on some music and dance around
• Take your dog for a walk
• Walk or cycle to the grocery store
• Use the stairs at home or work rather than an elevator
• Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot and walk the rest of the way
• Pair up with an exercise partner and encourage each other as you workout
• Play ping-pong or an activity-based video game with your kids

Managing stress with regular exercise

Once you’re in the habit of being physically active, try to incorporate regular exercise into your daily schedule. Activities that are continuous and rhythmic—and require moving both your arms and your legs—are especially effective at relieving stress. Walking, running, swimming, dancing, cycling, tai chi, and aerobic classes are good choices.

Pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to stick with it. Instead of continuing to focus on your thoughts while you exercise, make a conscious effort to focus on your body and the physical (and sometimes emotional) sensations you experience as you’re moving. Adding this mindfulness element to your exercise routine will help you break out of the cycle of negative thoughts that often accompanies overwhelming stress. Focus on coordinating your breathing with your movements, for example, or notice how the air or sunlight feels on your skin. Getting out of your head and paying attention to how your body feels is also the surest way to avoid picking up an injury.

When you’ve exercised, you’ll likely find it easier to put other stress management techniques to use, including reaching out to others and engaging socially.

Stress management strategy #2: Engage socially

Reach out and build relationships

• Reach out to a colleague at work
• Help someone else by volunteering
• Have lunch or coffee with a friend
• Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly
• Accompany someone to the movies or a concert
• Call or email an old friend
• Go for a walk with a workout buddy
• Schedule a weekly dinner date
• Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club
• Confide in a clergy member, teacher, or sports coach

Social engagement is the quickest, most efficient way to rein in stress and avoid overreacting to internal or external events that you perceive as threatening. There is nothing more calming to your nervous system than communicating with another human being who makes you feel safe and understood. This experience of safety—as perceived by your nervous system—results from nonverbal cues that you hear, see and feel.

The inner ear, face, heart, and stomach are wired together in the brain, so socially interacting with another person face-to-face—making eye contact, listening in an attentive way, talking—can quickly calm you down and put the brakes on defensive stress responses like “fight-or-flight.” It can also release hormones that reduce stress, even if you’re unable to alter the stressful situation itself. Of course, it’s not always realistic to have a pal close by to lean on when you feel overwhelmed by stress, but by building and maintaining a network of close friends you can improve your resiliency to life’s stressors. On the flip side, the more lonely and isolated you are, the greater your vulnerability to stress.

Reach out to family and friends and connect regularly in person. The people you talk to don’t have to be able to fix your stress; they just need to be good listeners. Opening up is not a sign of weakness and it won’t make you a burden to others. In fact, most friends will be flattered that you trust them enough to confide in them, and it will only strengthen your bond. And remember, it’s never too late to build new friendships and improve your support network.

Stress management strategy #3: Avoid unnecessary stress

While stress is an automatic response from your nervous system, some stressors arise at predictable times—your commute to work, a meeting with your boss, or family gatherings, for example. When handling such predictable stressors, you can either change the situation or change your reaction. When deciding which option to choose in any given scenario, it’s helpful to think of the four A's: avoid, alter, adapt, or accept.

Avoid the stressor

It’s not healthy to avoid a stressful situation that needs to be addressed, but you may be surprised by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

• Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, taking on more than you can handle is a surefire recipe for stress. Distinguish between the “shoulds” and the “musts” and, when possible, say “no” to taking on too much.
• Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life, limit the amount of time you spend with that person, or end the relationship.
• Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn off the TV. If traffic makes you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route. If going to the market is an unpleasant chore, do your grocery shopping online.

Stress management strategy #4: Alter the situation

If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life.

• Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you’ve got an exam to study for and your chatty roommate just got home, say up front that you only have five minutes to talk. If you don’t voice your feelings, resentment will build and the stress will increase.
• Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you’ll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.
• Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don’t overextend yourself, you’ll find it easier to stay calm and focused.

Stress management strategy #5: Adapt to the stressor

How you think can have a profound effect on your stress levels. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a tension-filled situation. Regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude to stressful situations.

• Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favorite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.
• Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
• Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.”

Stress management strategy #6: Accept the things you can’t change

Many sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors, such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than railing against a situation you can’t change.

• Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control—particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.
• Look for the upside. When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.
• Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negative energy by forgiving and moving on.

Stress management strategy #7: Make time for fun and relaxation

Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you’ll be in a better place to handle life’s stressors.

Develop a "stress relief toolbox"

Come up with a list of healthy ways to relax and recharge. Try to implement one or more of these ideas each day, even if you're feeling good.

Go for a walk Spend time in nature Call a good friend Play a competitive game of tennis or racquetball Write in your journal Take a long bath Light scented candles

Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea Play with a pet Work in your garden Get a massage Curl up with a good book Listen to music Watch a comedy

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.

• Set aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule. Don’t allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries.
• Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy, whether it be stargazing, playing the piano, or working on your bike.
• Keep your sense of humor. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

Stress management strategy #8: Adopt a healthy lifestyle

In addition to regular exercise, there are other healthy lifestyle choices that can increase your resistance to stress.

• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.
• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end in with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you’ll feel more relaxed and you’ll sleep better.
• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.
• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

Anxiety

I honestly think that every person I have ever spoken to in my life who suffers from an eating disorder also suffers from anxiety too. This has certainly been the case for me anyway. I have had anxiety my whole life however I have only had anorexia for about 3 and a half years. Whilst in recovery from an eating disorder, I think it is just as important to address your anxiety as it is to actually treat your eating disorder. 

Since I am naurally a very anxious person, I do not know if it is actually possible to overcome my anxiety all together. I hope that I can, but if I cant I still intend to keep dealing with my anxiety as well as I possibely can. Currenty I take daily anti--anxiety medication and I find that this makes a massive difference. This tablet does not change anything else about me, it simply just stops me from worrying so much about every little thing.

Something else that I find helpful is just forcing myself to be rational. Or use my 'stronger voice' to tell myself that I am being silly or over reacting. For example, If I start panicking that I have eaten too much, I would firstly remind myself that it is only my anorexia that is making me feel this way. I would also remind myself that I should never listen to my anorexia as my anorexia ultimately wants me dead. I then try to put my anxious thoughts into perspective. 

I would ask myself 'who cares if I did eat a litttle more then usual. The worst thing that could happen is that I gain a tiny little bit of weight and this cant hurt me.' I always try and think about all of the real problems that people are currently facing in the world and gaining a gram or two really is not one of them. I found the following information on the Eating Disorder Hope website and thought it explained the relationhip between anxiety and anorexia well. 

Connections & Relationship between Anxiety and Eating Disorders

Often, it is the case that anxiety precedes an eating disorder. In struggling with severe anxiety, for instance, being able to control the aspect of one’s life, such as food, weight, and exercise, indirectly gives the suffer a false sense of control, which can temporarily relieve symptoms experienced due to anxiety. Now the man or woman has a dual diagnosis of an eating disorder and anxiety. These learned behaviors however, can inadvertently lead to the development of an eating disorder, such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.

Treatment of Anxiety and Eating Disorders

For these reasons, it is crucial that anxiety is treated in conjunction with treatment of an eating disorder; particularly as the two are closely related and common issues are addressed to heal from the underlying factors associated with both disorders. Comprehensive treatment considerations for an individual suffering from both anxiety and an eating disorder are cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychotherapy, support groups, and some medications that can be helpful in managing anxiety and separating feelings from food. Learning healthier coping mechanisms for managing anxiety are also the focus of treatment.

The 'benefit' of an eating disorder

I found this article on the Recovery warriors website incredibly interesting and insightful.

Roberta was going to a family reunion last month. She tearfully described how one relative had Parkinson’s, one had breast cancer, one had kidney failure, one is a widow, and her uncle has Alzheimer’s! She revealed in her therapy session, “I was afraid to feel my sadness. And I realized this sadness would be made worse by the deep grief that my parents – with whom I spent many loving and joyful family reunions with – are dead and gone and never coming back.”

She continues, “I ate a sandwich for lunch and tasted that the bread was stale and might give me a stomach ache. But I ate it anyway. It wasn’t my initial intention to hurt myself, but I became aware of the “helpful” nature of a stomach ache to numb me from my heart ache. I was afraid of my emotions at this party and used my eating to block them out. I chose stomach pain over emotional pain.”

Roberta’s keen awareness confirms how an eating disorder can play a role in protecting you from even deeper pain. While it is true that most people outwardly proclaim their desire to resolve their binge eating, bulimia, or anorexia, they are often drawn to these disorders because of the comfort and distraction they provide.

Trusting food can feel safer than trusting people. Loving food can feel safer than loving people.  Food never rejects you, abandons you, criticizes you, or dies. It is the only relationship where we get to say when, where, and how much. No other relationship complies with our needs so absolutely.

Much like other addictions, eating disorders freeze emotions and can become a detour from real hurt and pain.

They divert difficult feelings and consume enormous time and energy. They sidetrack a person from facing deeper emotional problems. Unconsciously, a person is then attracted to this “benefit” of an eating disorder.

Although there are many reasons for developing an eating disorder and many treatment strategies to heal, little attention has been paid to the “benefit” of holding onto it. I often ask my patients, “If we help you resolve your eating problem, what’s the next issue that will come up for you?” Many times, it’s a lot worse!!

•  “I would have to face the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship,” Melanie explains. “I would rather feel paralyzed over how I’m going to lose fifty pounds than how afraid I am of my husband.”
• “I would have to confront my depression about my father’s cancer,” Paul realizes. “Throwing up and worrying about my weight is a good distraction from my fear about Dad.”
• “My son was diagnosed with autism, and I just don’t want to deal with it,” Suzi answers.”I am doing everything I can for Josh, but I’m nice and numb thanks to my bingeing.”
• “I’m old enough to start dating, but I’m really afraid no one will like me,” Lindsey states. “I binge and starve and hope that I eventually will feel pretty enough.”
• “My husband is an alcoholic,” Janet cries. “When I’m focused on my exercise and dieting and overeating, I don’t pay as much attention to his destructive drinking.”
• “My business is losing money,” Tara recognizes, “and I’m worried about my finances. Truthfully, I’d rather count calories obsessively than tally up my accounts and be anxious.”

Even less dramatic issues can be lurking under the eating disorder that would cause someone to hold onto their overeating, bulimia, or anorexia as a source of comfort and soothing. These issues might include: guilt, deprivation, jealousy, worry about sexuality, dating, competition, inner emptiness.

In order to change the hidden “benefit” of your eating problem, your first step is to become aware of the ways your emotional eating “helps” you.

Does overeating keep you company when you’re lonely? Does bingeing give you pleasure at a time in your life when you’re feeling deprived? Does purging help you procrastinate from some dreaded chore? Does restricting your food make your depression seem more manageable? Does having a binge disorder, bulimia, or anorexia serve as an excuse for not getting on with your life?

If you are committed to tackling your life without an eating disorder:

•  Identify the benefits that your eating problem has provided.
•  Name the feelings/actions/decisions you are avoiding.
•  Think about the ways your eating keeps you stuck.
•  Consider what the first step to improve your eating would look like?
•  Consider what the first step to improve your life’s issues would look like?

You do not have to change your whole life at once. Just for today, just make it better. With self-compassion and resolve, you can improve your eating and life one step at a time, one day at a time.

*All names and identifying data have been changed for confidentiality.

Finding Healthier coping mechanisms

I found the following information online at this site and thought it was really insightful so wanted to share it with you all. 

Developing Healthier Coping Mechanisms

If the most effective interventions are focused on developing better coping mechanisms, this means an individual must identify his triggers – what causes him to make poor choices with his eating. While it differs for each person, 10 triggers have been identified as the most common:

1. Poor body image
2. Social eating situations, such as Thanksgiving dinner
3. Resisting the urge to binge
4. Overcoming shame after a binge
5. Poor self-esteem
6. Refusing to believe healthy eating will ever happen
7. Knowing how to reward oneself for accomplishments
8. Social isolation
9. Tension or anxiety
10. An inability to verbally defend oneself against attacks

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, an important step for you is to consider which of these triggers apply to you. From there, you can begin to develop alternative coping mechanisms instead of eating. These strategies could range from planning to have a friend fill your plate at problem meals to developing steady daily meal times.

Further Help for Eating Disorders

If you don’t carefully and actively monitor your internal approaches to different circumstances, it might seem that conquering your eating disorder will never happen. But the truth is that overcoming unhealthy choices in life takes time and practice. You may fall back into poor habits, but you do not have to stay in a place of failure. Understanding the value of employing a strong support system, and leaning on that support through your ups and downs, can be the difference between a successful recovery and not being able to overcome your eating disorder.

The bottom line is this: returning to your disorder is always a risk, and one you must remain vigilant against in every way.

The cost of returning to your eating disorder is too high. If this is where you are right now, the most important thing to remember is that you are not alone.

For me, my main 'healthier coping mechanisms' are sharing my thoughts or feeling on my blog or too one of my friends via email that I have met through my blog. I feel so lucky to have such an understanding and non judgemental audience that always support me 100% and I therefore always feel comfortable to share my thoughts, no matter what they are. I also find reading other bloggers posts really helpful.

Other things that help me and act as good coping mechanisms for when life gets hard is getting outside and taking Tess for a walk, yoga, seeing my dad or sister (hugging them and talking to them), shutting off and watching a series and lastly having a good cry. This may sound weird but I find letting myself cry when I feel the need to do it helps me so much to just let everything out. I always feel so much better after I have a cry about something.

Some other good coping skills include from this site include: 

Meditation and Relaxation Techniques: Practicing deep breathing techniques, the relaxation response, or progressive muscle relaxation are ways to help reduce stress and induce relaxation.
Time to Yourself: It is important to set aside time everyday to allow yourself to relax and escape the stress of life. Give yourself a private, mini vacation from everything going on around you.
Physical Activity: Moving around and getting the heart rate up causes the body to release endorphins (the body's feel good hormones). Exercising provides some stress relief.
Reading: Escape from reality completely by reading. Reading can help you to de-stress by taking your mind off everyday life.
Friendship: Having friends who are willing to listen and support one through good and bad times is essential.
Humor: Adding humor to a stressful situation can help to lighten the mood.
Hobbies: Having creative outlets such as listening to music, drawing or gardening are great ways to relax and relieve everyday stress.
Spirituality Actively believing in a higher power or divine being can have many health benefits. In recent studies, it has been found that people who pray have better mental health than those who do not.
Pets: Taking care of a pet helps distract the mind from stressful thoughts. Studies Show that pets are a calming influence in people's lives.
Sleeping The human body needs a chance to rest and repair itself after a long and stressful day. Sleeping gives the body this chance so that it is ready to perform another day.

Nutrition Eating foods that are good for you not only improve your physical health, but they play a major role in your mental health. When your body gets the proper nutrients, it is better able to function in every capacity.

Starting Yoga

I have decided that I am going to start doing yoga which is held each Wednesday night in the school gym. It only started last week and I was talkinng to the lady that takes it and she said that she would be more than happy for me to come. I told her that I have ligamentous laxity (so I am super flexible) but she seems to think that it is ok for me to do yoga as long as I don't over stretch my body and as long as I focus on holding poses and controlling my movements carefully.

In fact it should help me alot as it will help me to build up the muscles around my joints so that they can support my joints in the ways that my ligaments fail to. I think that yoga is also a fantastic sport to start participating in as it can help me rebuild all of the muscle that I lost through my anorexia, without exerting myself too much. Afterall, I want to reach a healthy weight by gaining back some of my muscle as well as just fat. I know that I need to have some fat on my body too but I obviously don't want to just have all fat.

So I am going to ring the yoga instructor and let her know that I am going to be there Wednesday night. I work at the supermarket Wednesdays anyway and finish work at 5:45 so it will be perfect as Yoga starts at 6pm. I am excited to be doing this as I do not only think it will be good for my body but also for my mind too. And it will be a great way to get out in the community and meet new people and spend time with those I already know.

I found the following article online which talks about how yoga can help a person to
recover from anorexia.

Research shows yoga helps eating disorder recovery

Interestingly, despite the growing numbers in terms of eating disorders in our nation, very little is actually known in regards to how they form, and what causes relapses in sufferers. Researchers led by Lourdes P. Dale from the University of Hartford determined to discover alternate healing for eating disorder recovery as it was noted that many of the traditional healing techniques failed at focusing on the emotional and body awareness aspects of eating disorders. 

The study involved a 6-week yoga workshop incorporating women with a history of eating disorders. The results were reported that the women who attended the workshop were better at identifying their emotional states, being aware of their emotional states, and found themselves more capable of handling their mood fluctuations. There was also a significant drop in the level of eating concerns for this particular group of women, and these positive outcomes carried on even after the workshop was complete.

Yoga practice focuses on deep breathing, mindfulness, and attention to how the body is working. It literally allows you to take your attention off of the matters surrounding you, and forces you to only think of the matters at hand, the person struggling with an disorder is thus allowed to redirect all their pain, and energy into the mat itself. Peaceful meditation allows for the re-centering of the thought processes, and the poses provide the strength of the body and redirection in the flow of the bodies energy. All positive, and necessary benefits in terms of eating disorder healing. 

The biggest challenge in any form of recovery, is taking the first step. It is literally mind over matter and a clarity will suddenly strike the sufferer that says, “I will no longer let this control my life. I am in control.” And when that clarity finally hits them, they will be ready to begin the healing process. Yoga can be there to guide them through to full, and lasting recovery.

http://www.evolationyoga.com/yoga-eating-disorder-recovery/

Here is also a video which I found from someone who strongly believes that yoga can make a wonderful difference to a person recovering from anorexia.

https://youtu.be/khB79zfC0hU

So if you think yoga might help you to recover, give it a go. I will let you know how it goes for me on Wednesday night. :)

Sometimes, everything gets too much

Too say that I am exhausted would be a huge understatement. I think that everything always seems so much worse when you are tired which is probably why everything is gettting to me so much today. Firstly, the person I have been working with at the bank is not being very friendly to me at the moment which has really started to get me down. Everything I do seems to be wrong and she speaks to me awfully mot of the time. I really do not know what to do about this as I honestly think that she just doesn't like me very much and I don't think I can change the way she feels about me. 

We are very different types of people and I think she thinks I am a bit too 'good' all the time. For example I never swear, smoke or drink or anything like that where as she does. We have also grown up in quite different circumstances and have very different ideas and values. I honestly don't judge her for being different to me as I believe everyone has the right to do what they want to do but I do not think she should judge me for being different either. So between that and everything else that has happened over the last few weeks with my mum and family I am feeling really upset and stressed.

When I left work tonight and started the car trip back home, I really felt like cryin about what was going on at work as well as in my family. I am also worried that my dad is upset with me for talking to my mum last week as she has most likely been awful to him ever since. To make things worse, when I pulled into my street tonight I saw my mum pulled over on the side of the road, doing something that made me incredibely angry. If you know about my mum and her problems you can probably guess what she was doing but I was furious as she was about to pick up my little sister who was at my nans house (who lives in the same street as me) and drive her home. 

Putting herself at risk by drving whilst under the influence of alcohol is one thing but to put my lttle sister Amy at risk too is not ok. So seeing this made me incredibely angry and upset with mum. When I got home I realised that my nan had walked my dog Tess for me which meant that there was no need for me to walk her tonight, except that my anorexia really wanted me to go. As I was feeling so awful about everything I knew that going for a walk would make me feel so much better (well thats what my anorexia told me anyway).

I had decided that I would walk Tess however at the last minute I realised that I shouldn't give into my anorexia, just because I am feeling down. Afterall, recovering from anorexia is about learning to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Honestly, their are two reasonss why I stopped myself from walking Tess. Firstly, because I didn't want to let myself down as I knew that I would feel guilty after going for a walk, as I would know I had given into my anorexia. I also didn't want to let my readers down as I want to show everyone who reads my blog that you shouldn't give into your anorexia, no matter how tough things get.

So I came home and warmed up some tea for myself that I had cooked this morning before work, which was lucky because I really didn't feel like cooking, in fact I didnt even feel like eating. As I ate my tea I felt very anxious and guilty which shows me that my anorexic thoughts and feelings are a lot stronger when I am upset or angry. Straight after tea, instead of coping with these feelings by exercising which is what my anorexia wanted me to do, I went for a shower and then started writing this post. Afterall, writing blog posts about how I am feeling is the best way for me to let go of all of the things that are upsetting me. 

Vegetable stir fry

I feel as though blogging is my therapy, which is great as it is a completely harmless coping mechanism. Even if you dont have a blog, I highly reccommend writing your thoughts down in a diary or even just on a piece of paper. Doing this allows you to express how you are truly feeling and to propery process and organise your thoughts, so that you can understand them better. I know I should be really happy that I have made it to the weekend and can now just relax for two days, however I am really strugging to put all of my worries aside. I am hoping that I wil get a great nights sleep tonight and everything will seem better in the morning.

Self harm during an eating disorder

When I went to my blogger home page this morning, I noticed a post written by one of the bloggers I follow about Self Harm. When I saw this post, I found myself thinking 'I am really glad I have never done that'. But really, when I thought about this more carefully, I realised that I actually have.

When an anorexic person, or someone suffering from an eating disorder starves themself or makes themself purge, both of which I have done in the past, technically you are actually self harming. It is a common misconception that self harming refers to only cutting yourself but this is not the case. Cutting yourself is only one of many forms of self harm.


A definition of self harm, provided from this website, is; 'When somebody intentionally damages or injures their body. It is a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress.' As you can see, nowhere in the definition of self harm does it specifically say how the self harm must be performed, therefore all anorexics really do self harm, whether they cut themselves or not.

I have honestly never even considered cutting myself, no matter how awful I have felt and I suppose this is because I had other methods of dealing with my overwhelming emotions, both by making myself vomit after eating an unhealthy food as well as by restricting my intake to a point of starvation.

So no matter what kind of self harm we may use to deal with our overwhelming emotions, they all have one thing in common, they are dangerous and destructive to our bodies so we therefore should not practice these types of behaviours. There are much healthier ways to deal with any problems or emotions we may be experiencing which can be just as effective, but do not harm us.

One of the things that I find really helps me when my emotions feel out of control is talking to someone I can trust or having a good cry. It may sound silly, but for me crying is a way that I am able to let eveything out. I always feel much better after having a good cry and the best thing about this is, that it cant harm you in any way. Bloggging is the other thing that helps me whenever I feel panicked or overwhelmed, just as writing in a diary would for people who dont have their own blog. I find that writing out your thoughts helps you gather your thought and better understand what you are feeling and why you are feeling it.

I am getting better at controlling my emotions now in ways that are not destructive to my health. I have not made myself vomit for almost three years and never intend to do so again. I have also learnt to nourish my body with the energy that it needs and deserves, regardless of how I am feeling.

The relationship between my Anorexia and Anxiety

At the moment it is only 2:12 am but I am unable to sleep because it is so terribly windy. When its windy, the little unit I live in rattles and shakes and it really is quite hard to sleep so I thought I may as well make good use of my time and write a post.
Yesterday I was having a conversation with one of my work colleagues about how different mental illnesses can go hand in hand with one another. In this conversation I found myself explaining the relationship between my two mental illnesses, anorexia and anxiety better then I have ever been able to explain it before so I thought I would share it with you too.

I see my anxiety as my primary mental illness and my anorexia as a secondary mental illness. This is because while I havent always had anorexia, I have always had anxiety. I  honestly think that my anorexia is just a a coping mechanism I developed for dealing with my underlying anxiety. To me, controlling my weight, food intake and exercise were all ways of making myself feel as though I was in control and 'safe'. Of course I can see now that my anorexia has only made my anxiety worse but at the time my anorexia was developing, it made me feel better.

I was incredibely self conscious and hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I started blaming the way I looked for everything bad in my life. I started to believe that if I could become beautiful, my life would be better. While I believe I will be recovered from anorexia one day, I know that my anxiety will always be with me. There will be hard times in my life when I feel anxious or panicked about what is happening around me but I need to find new ways to deal with my anxiety rather than by falling back into my anorexia.

I need to always remember that controlling my food, weight and exercise has not solved any of my problems in the past and that it wont fix anything in the future either. While turning to these types of behaviours will only ever make me feel more awful then I already do, there are other coping mechanisms I can use when my anxiety gets bad that aren't destructive to me. I find that simply talking myself through stressful situations and distracting myself helps me a lot.

At the moment my main coping mechanism is to just tell myself to breathe and that what I am feeling will soon pass. One thing that seems to help me a little is to get outside in the fresh air and take Tess for a walk. other times I put on a television series to try and distract me from my thoughts or I call my litle sister for a chat.
While distracting myself with these things can help me while I am at home, I cant do this at work. There is obviously a lot of responsibility involved in working in a bank as you are always dealing with large amounts of peoples money and this makes me incredibely anxious.

I second guess myself with nearly every transaction I make and am always terrified that I have miscouted money or made some kind of mistake. I try to tell myself that I am just being paranoid but I honestly cant help feeling this way. It isn't until I 'balance' at the end of the night (when all of the money I should have at my terminal in accounted for) that I am able to relax. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to deal with this anxiety I experience at work?

Anorexia as a coping mechanism

Until a conversation I had with one of my readers recently, I had never really thought of my anorexia as a coping mechanism but now I realise that this is exactely how it began. My anorexia was a way for me to feel as though I had control at a time in my life when I felt incredibely anxious and unsure about who I was and what was happening around me. Following my anorexic rules and behaviours was familiar for me and made me feel safe. I thought the following article from this site explains how anorexia is as a dangerous coping mechanism well.

A Dangerous and Counterproductive Coping Mechanism

Of course, skipping meals to cope with anxiety is not only dangerous - it also doesn't work. That sense of control also puts considerable stress on the brain and body, which are being deprived of nutrients.

Over time, the lack of nutrition and carbohydrates is actually going to start causing anxiety itself. Whenever the mind doesn't have enough energy to work properly, it causes the brain to become stressed, which in turn causes stressful thoughts and behaviors.

This may explain one of the many reasons that anorexia is so hard to cure, and why even those that do get help sometimes find themselves slipping. It takes a long time to learn healthier ways to cope with anxiety, and unfortunately while you're learning those new ways you may find yourself struggling with further anxiety, thus pushing you back towards negative behaviors. 

In order to recover and prevent relapse I know I need to develop new coping mechanisms to use whenever I feel scared or worried rather than restricting my food and letting my anorexia back into my head. While I hope to overcome my anorexia, my anxiety is a whole other illness that I have had all my life which I need to learn to deal with more healthily. Here are some healthy and effective coping skills that I found on this website:

Boost your self-esteem by becoming involved in activities that interest you. Discover your passion!

Imagine yourself in a safe place where you do not need to think about doing anything that is harmful to yourself.

Make a list of positive affirmations. Pick one, look at yourself in the mirror and say if morning and night for 21 days. The affirmation will become a part of you!

Get a massage. You can get pretty inexpensive massages at any school that teaches massage.

Walk your dog or play with your cat.

Make a list of some nice things you would like to do for your friends.

Think about taking some classes or doing something to help you discover your passion.

Tell your parent, husband, partner, or friend that you love them.

Make a list of what you are grateful for. This is tough when you are stressed, but if you write it down, the act of writing will help!

Learning effective coping skills can change your life!