Recovery is uncomfortable....

Yes, Recovery is hard and uncomfortable.... But you should do it anyway, I promise its worth it!

My new lifestyle

Prior to starting herbalife, I thought I ate relatively healthily. I tried to eat lots of fruit and vegetables and I avoided eating excessive amounts of typically unhealthy foods. After starting to transform my diet, I can see that my old diet was far from healthy and that it lacked protein as well as many essential nutrients.

I was eating as many as 4-5 serves of fruit a day which I tgought was a really healthy thing to be doing. According to the Australian guide to healthy eating however, this meant I was well abd truly exceeding the reccommended intake of 2 serves. I was also eating processed snack foods that contained lots of refined sugar.

Almost all of my diet contained carbohydrates, not because I was scared of foods containing the other macronutrients but because I enjoyed those foods. Only eats carbs however left me feeling tired all the time and I never seemed to feel full, even straight after eating a meal.

Now, I have been eating much more protein instead of only carbs and am freeling so much better for it. I am now eating more lean meat, eggs, protein bars, soy milk and yoghurt and have been adding protein powder to my morning oats too. I have also been trying to increase my intake of healthy fats too, although I know I need to keep increasing my fat intake as it is still quite low.

I have started eating more serves of wholegrains instead of as much sugary fruit and this, along with eating so much more protein which has helped me to feel fuller and more energized for longer. Also, eating more protein will hopefully allow me to get stronger and build muscle as I exercise. Hopefully this will help me to be the healthiest and best me that I can possibly be.

I am still loving my herbalife products and have just signed up to be a member. The thing to remember about Herbalife and healthy eating  is that it doesnt have to just be a phase, for me I want it to be a lifestyle that I follow indefinitely. I am so excited for what the future holds and for the first time, full recovery feels totally possible for me.

An incredible weekend

It's currently Monday morning and my gorgeous boyfriend has just headed of to work after us having a wonderful weekend away together. We drove down to Swansea late Friday after Nathan finished work and I finished university. We stopped on the way to get some Subway for tea which was yummy as always. Nathan wasn't feeling so hungry so only got a small 6 inch sub however I couldn't resist indulging in a large footlong sub.

We arrived at my parents place at about 8 pm and it was really nice to catch up with everyone. Both of my brothers and my sister were home as well as my parents which was nice. We were planning on having a sleep in on Saturday morning however we both woke up early so just got up and started our day. We just hung out with family until lunch time and then we headed into Swansea to watch the football. Both of my brothers play for our local football club as well as many of my cousins and friends so Nathan and I always enjoy watching it together.

After the football we headed into the club rooms to have a few drinks with everyone before we went to the pub for some tea. I had a delicious lasagna with salad and I ate it all and enjoyed every bite! We could only stay for a short while at the pub as we were heading to the annual football club ball. We walked to my nans house to get changed into our good clothes and get ready. It only took me about 15 minutes to get ready as I really am not the sort of person who spends hours and hours getting ready to go out but I was still happy with how I looked and was looking forward to the night.

We had a truly amazing time at the ball with some incredible people and it was definetely a night to remember. Admittedly I probably drank too much but I really enjoyed myself which is the most important thing. My favourite part of the night was definetely dancing with Nathan as well as my brothers and friends. I have always been the type of person who was far too self conscious to dance however I have no trouble getting up on the dance floor after a couple of drinks and really enjoy it! We went home at about 12:30 when the ball ended and just went to bed.

The next day I was feeling fine as fortunately I dont really get hangovers however poor Nathan wasn't so lucky. Unfortunately Nathan gets very sick after drinking alcohol so we just had a very quiet morning. It was my mums birthday so it was lovely to be there too see her in person and give her a present which she loved. We all went out for lunch to celebrate mums birthday before Nathan and I headed home. Luckily Nathan felt well enough to eat a little lunch and he continued to feel better through out the afternoon which I was glad about as I hate seeing him feeling so unwell.

Surprisingly, I wasnt sad at all about leaving my family in Swansea again, even though I dont know when I will see them again. I am so happy living in Launceston with Nathan and wouldn't change anything about my life. No one has ever made me as happy as Nathan does and the love I feel towards him is something I have never experienced before, even with family. I am loving my university units so far and am enjoying studing again and having more routine in my day.

I love feeling so full of energy and well now that I am doing Herbalife and eating more nutritious foods (although admittedly I did neglect this over the weekend). I have full intentions of resuming my new eating this week though as well as going to the gym when I can. ( I might evenpost a food diary atthe end oftheday today so you get an idea of what types of foods I am fuelling my body with.

I hope everyone else had a great weekend and you are all pumped and ready for the week ahead! :) x

How things have changed

It really amazing for me to look back now and see just how far I have come in the past 12 months. To really demonstrate this i thought I would do a comparison of my weekend this weekend to a typical weekend for me a year ago.

For starters, back then I was underweight with an extremely unhealthy bmi of only 14. Now however, my bmi is 19 which puts me within the healthy bmi range. I know that I am still thin but am just happy that I am a healthy weight for my height. I have quite a petite frame and my siblings and parents are all thin so as long as my mind stays healthy I am happy with my current weight and have no desire to change my weight.

A year ago, if someone had asked me if I liked my body or the way I looked, I would have said definetely not. But now, I can honestly say that i dont mind my body and how I look. I know that I am healthy and that is the most important thing!

This past weekend I have been out to a restaurant for two different meals as well as eating lunch at a bakery. Eating out like this was aomething that I would have found terrifying 12 months ago and would have avoided at all costs. Now however I love going out for meals, especially with my boyfriend.

I also went for tea at my parents house and ate tea which was prepared for me by my mum which is something I refused to do 12 months ago. The reason this terrified me so much back then was because I hated eating an unknown number of calories.

Now, although I do still keep a rough track of how much i eat most days (mainly because I seem to undereat if i dont), knowing exactly how many calories I eat really doesn't matter to me anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that its ok to eat more sometimes and that a little extra food wont hurt me or make me instantly gain heaps of weight.

I am also comfortable drinking alcohol when i got out with my boyfriend and friends which is something I never would have done. I no longer have a fear of consumimg liquid calories and find a lot of enjoyment in being sociable anddrinking with friends. I also drink things like hot chocolate or juice, which i would have considered to be a waste of calories, 12 months ago,  sinply because I feel like them and enjoy them.

I also have a much healthier relationship with exercise now. Unlike 12 months ago when I would have been incredibely anxious about walking any less then my usual amount, now it doesnt bother me. For example both yesterday and the day before I only took my dog for one walk instead of two as I usually would as I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend. And today I barely went for a walk at all as it started to rain just as I left my house.

I really enjoy being active and being fit and healthy but at the same time exercising less then usual doesnt cause me any worry or concern as it ince would have. 12 months ago, walking a certain distance each day was a priority for me. Now however, I have other priorities that are more important to me like my boyfriend, my health and my hapiness.

12 months ago I was on medication for my anxiety and also medication for my skin. Now I dont feel as though i need any of these medications so don't take them. Since reaching a gealthy weight and nourishing my body and mind I feel as though I think so much more rationally and clearly. My skin is also so much clearer due to me stressing less and eating so much better.

12 months ago I suffered from insomnia and was therefore exhausted all the time and trying to function daily on almost no sleep. Now I honestly believe that the insomnia was simply die to me refusing to give my body the amount of food it truly needed and deserved. Now I have no trouble sleeping and can actually sleep in some days which is something I could never do.

I wanted to share how things have changed for me over the last year so that you can all see that it is possible to recover. Its not easy... in fact its probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. It was for me anyway. But please trust me when I say it is so worth it. Recovering may be the hardest thing you ever do but it is also the most wonderful. Because the life you have at the end of it is worth every bit of pain and anxiety. So please, keep fighting with all you've got. Believe in yourselves like I did and you could be where I am today in 12 months time!

Me and my boyfriend, who is without a doubt the most wonderful thing that has come out of my recovery

Updated 101 in 1001

Over the last few months I have been truly living my life and have managed to tick of quite a few more of my 101 goals in 1001 days goals that I wrote last year. I am proud of myself for all of the accomplishments I have made and am going to make a conscious effort to complete some more of these goals in the near future.

1. Travel outside the country for the first time
2. Make a full recovery from anorexia
3. Meet Anna, a girl I started talking to through my blog who also lives in Tasmania
4. Do a fun run for a charity
5. Eat pannacotta
6. Make some new friends
7. Find myself a boyfriend
8. Reach 100 000 page views on my blog
9. Publish 1000  blog posts
10. Help someone  make a full recover from anorexia
11. Stop counting calories all together
12. Learn how to listen to my body and eat intuitively
13. Reach my bodies natural set point weight
14. Eat food from 5 different fast food Places
15. Go to the Taylor Swift concert in Melbourne with My dad and Amy
17. Drive in the city of Hobart
18. Learn to love my body the way it is supposed to naturally be
19. Raise money/awareness for eating disorders
20. Explore some more of Tasmania
21. Go on a week long camping trip
22. Eat a chicken Parmiagana meal at a pub
23. Fully complete a crossword without usng the internet to cheat
24. Develop a good relationship with my mum
25. Try to find way to show Dad and Amy how much they mean to me
26. Get a horse
28. Help my mum to get better
29. To get my hair back to being naturally curly, like it was before I got sick
30. Read 10 books
31. Get healthy and clear skin
32. Eat a delicious dessert at a restaurant without feeling guilty or anxious
33. Go to a gold class cinema
34. Go surfing
35. Sleep under the stars
36. Sleep in until after 12
37. Paint Tess's dog kennel pink
38. Climb a mountain
39. Have a ski lesson in the snow
40. Get contact lenses
41. Meet a famous person
42. Overcome my anxiety so that I do not need to take anxiety medication
43. Try Ben and Jerrys icecream
44. Eat a krispy Kreme donut
45. Find a brand new hobby
46. Eat a big slice of my nans home made christmas pudding
47. Feel comfortable in a bikini
48. Go snorkeling on a reef
49. Eat popcorn at the movies
50. Make a snowman
51. Do a huge jigsaw and frame it for my wall
52. Cook and eat every recipe that I wrote down in my 'favourite recipes' book
53. Spend some more time on our farm with my dad
54. Keep improving my blog, as I learn more and more about effective blogging
55. Send a parcel of Australian goodies to a reader in another country
56. Get more involved in my local community
57. Buy some presents and place them under the giving tree this christmas
58. Always be there for Amy throughout her teenage years for support
59. Develop a closer relationship with my brothers
60. Make more of an effort to visit the nan who I do not see very often
61. Watch 5 north Melbourne football games live with my dad
62. To actually go swimming when I take my sister to the beach/river in summer
63. Eat a cooked breakfast in a cafe
64. Eat real pizza from a Pizza restaurant
65. To comfortably have drinks with calories in them, just because I am thirsty
66. To make a christmas Gingerbread house
67. To stay out with friends so late that we watch the sun rise
68. Get fit
69. compete my traineeship at the bank (but keep working there)
70. Take Amy on a special weekend away
71. Grow my own Strawberries
72. Make homemade jam
73. Not weigh myself for 2 months
74. Go ice skating
75. Eat only unprocessed foods for 1 week straight
76. See fireworks on New Years
77. Do the mud run
78. Become an organ donor
79. Go for 1 week without watching tv
80. Stop picking at imperfections on my skin so that I stop scarring
81. Watch the news everynight for two weeks
82. To not feel any guilt, after being unable to exercise all day
83. To be able to accept a compliment from another person
84. Try every type of magnum icecream available
85. Eat two courses at a resaurant without feeling anxious
86. To eat less tinned/ packaged foods and to start making them myself from scratch
87. See dolphins/whales in the wild
88. Find a brand new form of exercise that I enjoy
89. Spend less time inside and more time outside (especially in summer)
90. Make it through a whole summer without getting sunburnt
91. See something that makes me believe in magic
92. Run 10 kilometers along a beach
93. Make 10 new friends in one day
94. Get a tattoo that symbolises my recovery
95. Eat pancakes with icecream for breakfast
96. Eat icecream from the tub with a good friend
97. Laugh so hard that I cry (I did this all the time once, but I havent for a long time)
98. Maintain my weight/not lose weight for 1 year
99. Do a colour run
100. Donate blood

101. To be proud of what I manage to achieve and who I am 

Recovery requires change

A new phase of my recovery

Over the last few days, I have decided that it is now time for me to cut back my intake back a little. The reason I have decided to cut my intake back is not because Iam giving into my anorexia, but instead because I can see that I do not necessarily need to gain a lot more weight. I am still eating recovery amounts of food as I feel as though cutting back too fast would not be a sensible idea for me, so instead I think I will slowly cut my intake down until I stop gaining weight.

Firstly, I want to say that just because I have reached the stage in my recovery where it is ok for me to cut my intake back a little does not mean that it is ok for you to do the same if you are still underweight. I actually had second thoughts about letting you, as my readers know that I am starting to eat a little less as I can understand how triggering this may be. However I really felt as though I needed to tell you everything as I would not want to feel as though I wasn't being completely truthful on my blog.

There are various reasons why I decided to start eating less. Firstly, I am now a healthy weight and have actually exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me by almost a kilogram. My bones also no longer stick out unnaturally and my figure is very similar to what it was like before I got anorexia. Another reason why I decided to cut down on my intake is because I really was starting to feel as though the amount I was eating was excessive, as it was atleast 3200 calories each day.

To be perfectly honest, I actually dont hate my body the way it currently is which is another reason why I dont want to gain too much more weight if I am already healthy. I really was worried that if I gained too much weight then I would become really unhappy with my appearance again and start wanting and trying to lose weight. So instead, I hope now to be able to maintain my weight at around the weight I currently am as I am able to accept my body at this weight.

In saying this, I still firmly believe that reaching my natural set point weight is incredibely important but I really do think that if I have not yet reached my natural set point weight then I am really close. And if I still do have a kilogram or two more to gain, then I will gain it eventually anyway when I start eating intuitively in the future if not before. So my recovery plan for the next few months is to stabilise my weight and maintain it ofr a few months. Once I am feeling strong enough, I then want to start making the transition to intuitive eating from following my meal plan.

I have really enjoyed not having to limit my exercise but still ensure that I am always exercising for the right reasons and stop myself from exercising whenever it is not necessary or I dont feel like it. For example if Nan ever walks Tess for me, I always make sure I rest instead of taking Tess for a walk so that I can face any fears I have about not exercing as much.

I know that just because I am weight restored does not mean that I am recovered from anorexia, in fact I KNOW that I am still suffering from my eating disorder and still need to continue working on my mental recovery. Every day I manage to fight my anorexic thoughts and feelings I feel my mind getting stronger and feel myself geting closer to being recovered. So to make sure I make a full recovery, I know that I just need to keep fighting the way that I currently am and to continue challenging myself.

I really do feel as though I am doing what is right for me and my recovery and suggest that everyone else coninues to do the same as well. Afterall, your recovery is an incredibely individual thing that you need to base around your own needs. So if you are still underweight or still have more weight to gain before you reach your goal weight, keep fighting and you WILL get there. Please, If anyone has any questions about what I have decided to do, feel free to leave a comment below. :)

 

day 21: What was your 'rock bottom?' how did you overcome it?

This is my first diary entry that I wrote just after I reached my 'rock bottom'. After hitting rock bottom I managed to get myself to a half recovered state whereby I stopped drastically losing weight, but I didnt really gain any weight for a long time and was still calorie counting and restricting what I ate. It wasnt until another one and a half years went by that I actually really started recovering (in early 2015). It wasnt long after this that I started blogging.

Diary Entry

15th August 2013 

I am calling this my recovery journal and I intend to use it to document my recovery from an awful illness that I have been battling with for a year now. This illness is Anorexia. 

I completed my first journal only last night which I started when I was hospitalised almost 12 months ago, shortly after being diagnosed with anorexia. Although I found my last journal helpful at times (as writing is the best way for me to express how I feel), I would not have called it a recovery journal. It was really more like an ankorexic maintenence journal.

The truth is, over the past 12 months I haven't recovered recovered at all. In fact my anorexia has gotten stronger if anything. This is because deep down I didnt want to fight my anorexia. I was relatively happy to live with it as it helped and allowed me to achieve the things that I longed for more than anything else in this world, to lose weight and be thin.

It was only about a week ago that I realised just how sick I was and that I had my 'breakthrough'. After seeing I had reached my lowest ever weight and taking my pulse one night to find that it was barely existant (only about 30bpm), I knew I was going to die if I didnt change. It was only once I realised I had to change that I also realised I wanted more in life then what I would be able to have while I was anorexic.

Besides becoming scared about my health, I dont really know what caused me to start thinking in this new way but suddenly everything seemed so clear. Finally I started to actually want to recover and for the first time recovery seemed possible. this doesnt mean that eating new foods, breaking rituals and gaining weight arent allabsolutely terrifying for me, because they are. Now however I just feel as though getting better is worth the pain of making these changes.

Up until now I havent been truly ready to recover but now I am. I feel so positive and excited about the future and this new found hope I now have makes me believe I can do this. Now I feel as though I have something worth fighting for, now I am going to make all my dreams come true.

So this is how I felt when I hit my rock bottom. I gradually increased my intake from about 5000 kj with exercise to about 8000 kj while still exercising. To begin with I gained a tiny bit of weight back but my weight stayed relatively stable as I still obviously wasnt eating enough. My heart rate increased to about 60 beats per minute and I was no longer at as much of a risk physically.

I hit a second rock bottom when I finally realised I didnt want to go on living in this half recovered state. Shile I was managing to survive better then I had been in the past, I still was not really living. It is only since I have become really dedicated to my recovery and increased my intake significantly (over the last few months) that I have been able to make and see real progress.

Day 14: Think about yourself 1 year ago, how have you changed?

Then vs Now

Weighing every single bit of food I ate
vs
Eating nearly every food without weighing it first (there are a few exceptions)

Needing to know the EXACT calorie count of everything I ate
vs
keeping a rough idea about how many calories I eat (so I know I am eating enough)

Seeing exercise as something I had to do every day no matter what
vs
walking my dog twise a day when I can, otherwise I dont exercise at all

compulsively counting macronutrients as well as calories
vs
having absalutely no idea what macronutrients I eat each day and not caring

Being absaluteltly terrified of gaining any weight
vs
Feeling dissapointed if I fail to gain weight

Feeling as though recovery is impossible
vs
believing that I can recover

Eating less calories then what is reccommended for the average women
Vs
Eating far more calories then what is reccommended for the average man

Refusing to eat food prepared by anyone else
Vs
being able to push myself to eat food prepared by others

Compensating for eating more at one meal or being unable to exercise by restricting
vs
Realising it is perfectly ok to eat more or exercise less without compensating

Refusing to drink anything but water and coke zero
vs
drinking Up and Go meal supplement drinks, juice and hot chocolate as well as water

Looking for foods to eat with a really low calorie density
Vs
Looking for foods to eat with a high calorie density

Still thinking that being thin was the answer to my problems
vs
Realising that being thin would only make my problems worse

Being completely socially withdrawn and miserable at university in the city
Vs
Being back in my home town and happily socialising everyday at work

Spending atleast an hour on my calorie counting app each day planning meals
Vs
Not even opening my calorie app most days (and if I do, I look up only a single food)

Letting my anorexia call the shots
vs
doing the complete opposite of whatever my anorexia tells me to do

These are just some of the differences between the way I was living one year ago and how I am now living today. I could go on writing but the list really does seem endless. I am almost a completely different person now. I have a whole new attitude about life and recovery and am now ready to start living the life I know I deserve to have. Seeing just how far I have come in the last year, reminds me of what I am capable of achieving over the next year of my life and this excites me very much. BRING ON RECOVERY!

Day 2: What have you done to help yourself with your eating disorder?

Something I have realised throughout my battle with anorexia is that recovery will not happen unless you actively make it happen. I spent years sitting around hoping that I would one day wake up free of my anorexia but it obviously doesnt happen like that. In order to recover you need to make changes and see them through no matter how painful they may be. Here is a list of 5 changes I have made since starting to recover. These changes would seem very easy to normal people but for me they were incredibly hard.

1. I have stopped weighing everything I eat
For me this was a huge change that I thought I would never be able to overcome. My anorexia hated me not weighing my food because it meant that I couldnt be sure exactely how many calories I was eatimg. I would weigh absolutely everything including things like muesli bars, slices of bread, icecream bars, spreads like peanut butter or jam, fruit and vegetables, biscuits, slices of ham and cereal. I even weighed out amounts of things like stevia sweetner that had practically no calories in them anyway. I would not trust the weights written on packets of food portions either so would re -weigh everything once I had unpacked it and then calculated the exact amount of calories based upon its true weight.

While there are a few foods I still weigh like rice and pasta, I can honestly say that I no longer feel the need to weigh most of the food I eat. I still do keep a basic track of how many calories I eat to make sure I am eating enough, but I no longer feel as though I need to know the exact weight and calories contained in what I am eating. This change didnt happen over night and it is something I have had to work really hard at but I am so glad I did because I feel as though a huge weight had be taken off my shoulders.

2. I Started my recovery blog
I have allready talked about how starting a blog has helped me in my recovery and you can read it here.

3. I have increased my calorie intake, ALOT
At the moment I am eating so much more
then I ever have before. Increasing my intake is not just something I have done once to help myself to recover, but something I have done many times. Every time I weigh myself and see I have not gained enough weight I increase my intake no matter how many reasons my anorexia comes up with of why I shouldnt increase. Over the last few years I have increased my calories from starvation amounts however I still refused to eat even a 'normal' amount and wondered why I couldn't gain weight. Now I eat a lot more than the average person, something I never would have dreamed of doing before. I have not only managed to increase my intake to the recommended minimum recovery intake of 2500, I have exceeded this amount by quite a lot and I feel great for it.

4. I started taking medication for my anxiety
Ever since being diagnosed with anorexia, my gp has tried really hard to get me to agree to taking medication for my anxiety. She told me that my underlying anxiety was making trying to recover too difficult as making changes caused me unbarable anxiety. And when I say unbearable, I mean it. I never did anything that I knew I was not 'allowed' to do as how I felt for going against my anorexia was so awful. When I was at my sickest if someone had told me I had to either risk my life and jump off a bridge or eat a block of chocolate, I definetely would have jumped off the bridge. Dont get the wrong idea, I have never been suicidal or suffered from clinical depression but not listening to my anorexic thoughts was a scarier thing for me then dying.

So eventually I started taking some medication for my anxiety and it was around that time (about a month before starting my blog) that I started to want recovery more. The reason I started taking my medication was actually because I was starting a new job and I knew that I needed to be more confident and stop doubting myself to do well. I reccommend trying medications like these for anyone trying to recover. While I still do feel anxious, now I feel as though my anxiety is much more barable. It even surprises me how strong I can now be when I stand up to my anorexia and I know that my medication is partly responsible for this. There is nothing wrong with getting help when you need it and this does not make you weak in any way. Does it make a cancer patient weak for having chemotherapy treatment if that is what they require for them to survive? Of course it doesn't. I dont care if I have to be on this medication for the rest of my life if It allows me to stay happy and healthy.

5. I stopped giving in to my anorexia
While I still hear my anorexic thoughts loud and clear, I dont let myself listen to them anymore. As I continue to fight my thoughts, I can feel my anorexia getting weaker and the real me getting stronger. Every day my anorexic thoughts get a little bit quieter and easier to ignore and therefore everyday I am getting closer to recovery. While it feels impossible at first, know that it does get easier but only if you stop listening. If you continue to give into your anorexia, you are only feeding it and making it stronger.