Accepting weight gain in recovery

I think that one of the most difficult and triggering things about recovery from anorexia can be seeing your weight increase, both on the scale and as your body gets bigger too. I guess the reson it is so hard is that anorexics practically dedicate their lives to preventing weight gain and just because they make a committment to recovery, does not mean this fear or pattern of thinking that is so deeply instilled in them instantly goes away.

There is no way of avoiding it, the fact of the matter is if you want to make a full recovery from anorexia, you will need to get to a healthy weight. Telling yourself anything different will mean you are only setting yourself up for failure and more pain in the future. Your body and mind simply wont work properly whilst you are underweight and you will therefore never be able to get rid of your anorexic thoughts all together or make a full physical recovery either.

Whilst I was gaining weight, I remember feeling a mixture of emotions everytime I stood on the scale. If I had failed to gain any weight, the part of me that wanted to recover woukd be dissapointed but at the same time, the anorexic part of me would be overjoyed. Getting these types of anorexic thoughts at stsges throughout your recovery are completely normal and nothing you should be ashaimed of. Alk that matters is that you do not change your behaviors based on these thoughts. Accept that they are there but chose to ignore them.

Similarily, everytime I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained weight the part of me that was dedicated to recovery was glad but the anorexic part of me was furious. I believe thst in order to stay on track in recovery as you experience weight gain, is that you need to want recovery, more than anything else in the world. Before I began my 'true' recovery, I reached a point whereby I was completely fed up and miserable with my anorexic life. I started wanting a recovered life, more than anything wlse in the world. It was only then that I was able to find the strength I needed to fight my anorexia and make actual recovery progress.

An important thing lto remember is that as you continue gaining weight, it does get easier. So dont think that the anxiety and pain you experience the first time you realise you have gained weight will persist through your entire weight restoration phase of recovery. I think a big part of the reason that it gets easier is because as your weight increases, your brain chemistry normalises too. This means that your thinking becomes more rational and some of your biggest fears like gaining will therefore lose some of their significsnce. 

I am a huge believer that the only way to overcome a fear is to face it, so by gaining weight and doing the exact thing you fear, it will slowly become less scary. No matter how hard it may seem you just need to remind yourself of how much you want recovery and the fact that you will not recover if you dont gain weight. The reason I was able to push through the fear and anxiety if weight gain is that I wanted recovery so badly, more than anything else in the world. 

Feeling energised and motivated after resting and a Herbalife STS

Dragging myself out of bed last Thursday morning was really hard. Ever since starting Herbalife I have been bouncing out of bed each morning but for some reason I was feeling really tired and unmotivated. I had been studying really hard all week as well as going to the gym each day and working and I think that I was just mentally and physically exhausted.

I felt a little better after having my Herbalife shake so decided to go to my regular Thursday morning 'body attack' gym class. My legs were a bit sore before I even got there and during the class they just wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. They were heavy and slow and simple things that were usually effortless, seemed like massive efforts. Somehow, I managed to get through the 45 minute gym class but it was so hard, but not even in a good workout type of hard way.

I went home and studied for the rest of the day, barely leaving my room but by mid afternoon, I was starting to feel really nauseous. At times I actually thought I was going to be sick I felt so unwell but luckily I didnt vomit. My boyfriend arrived just before dinner time and the first thing he said to me was that I looked really tired. Thats when I knew that I had been doing too much and that I had worn myself out.

After a good nights sleep I felt quite a bit better however I knew that my body needed a rest day, so thats exactly what I gave it. Unfortunately I wasn't able to give my brain a rest day too as I had too much happening at uni with assignments due and lectures to watch but not exercising while still eating lots was exactly what I needed.

I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and another friend of ours and we had a really nice night. And despite the face I had quite a few drinks that night and only got about 6 hours aleep, I woke up the next morning feeling like a million dollars. I got up early, made my herbalife shake as well as breakfast for my boyfriend and an hour later we were on our way to Hobart.

I was going to Hobart to attend a Herbalife STS (Success Training Seminar) and luckily my incredible boyfriend said he would drive me down as I had no idea how to get to the place where the function was being held. It was an incredible day with lots of speakers sharing their success stories as well as learning about all of the products Herbalife offer. I got to try some new Herbalife products, which were all delicious (but now I just want to buy more products which I cant really afford haha!)

There was an ex professional AFL footballer there who uses and distributes Herbalife so it was good to hear him talk about his journey and the advice he offered about going for your dreams was unbelievable. There were so many people there with inspirational stories that I couldn't help but feel inspired, to continue actively chasing my dreams and proving to everyone, as well as myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. Whether it be make a full recovery from anorexia, finish my uni degree or get fitter and stronger.

After such a big day I was feeling tired by the time I got home so I made myself some tea andvpretty much went to bed. My boyfriend stayed up watching tv and I tried to watch it with him but I couldnt keep my eyes open so just slept. I felt great when I woke up the next morning though so decided to go and do a quick 45 minute workout at the gym. After a two day break from exercise my energy levels were great and my body felt properly recovered too as my joints and muscles were no longer sore. It was a very successful workout and I really enjoyed it too.

When I got back home my boyfriend and I went to watch his sister play football and we also bought lunch at the bakery. It was a beautiful and sunny day so it was really nice to stand outside and absorb some heat, something that is quite rare in a Tasmanian winter. We then just headed back home and rested for the rest of the afternoon/night.

This week is mid semester break which means I dont have an university classes however I do have two mid semester tests next week so will have to spend most of the week studying for those. I hope everyone has a great week and remember to rest if your body or mind need it! :) xx

On top of the world

After having quite a bad cold for most of last week, I have been feeling particularly incredible this week with more energy then I can remember having for a long time. I seemed to recover from my cold really quickly and I believe that this is purely due to how well I am looking after myself at the moment. Through resting, keeping up with my Herbalife products as well as eating lots of nutritious foods, I suppose my immune system is super atrong and I also providing my body with adequate energy to do what it needed to do to get well again.

My poor boyfriend hasnt been so lucky and has been sick for twice as long as me, most likely because he doesn't look after himself so well. Although I have tried to get him eating more nutritiously, I would never try to pressure him into it as I believe it is a very personal choice and everybody should have the right to choose how they live and what they eat themselves.

I have only had one work shift this week which has really suited me as it has meant that I have had heaps of time to catch up on my university work. I still cant believe just how much I am enjoying university this time around and I know that it is purely because I am now in a much better head space then I was last time I was at uni. I know it can be tempting to try and get your university course completed as soon as possible but I highly reccommend taking a break if your not happy and just focusing on getting well for a while. Studying really can be enjoyable and it should be enjoyable but you need to be in the right frame of mind for this to be possible.

I have been trying some new gym classes this week and I have loved all of them. I feel so motivated for exercise now that I am bursting with all this energy and exercise no longer feels like a chore for me. I love the way it makes me feel and I can feel myself getting fitter and stronger too. I became so weak whilst suffering from anorexia and it feels so wonderful to be slowly reversing that.

I am heading home to Swansea this weekend which I am really looking forward to as I haven't seen my family for ages. It will be great to catch up with everyone although I am a little nervous about what my family will think about my new herbalife products. I am worried that they will be really quick to judge and jump to the conclusion that it is some kind of weight loss program. Fingers crossed I am wrong and they are more open minded to what I am acfually doing Herbalife for.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic week and that your weekend is wonderful too. Stay strong and keep fighting guys... you've got this! <3 xxx

A new 'letter to my anorexia'

Firstly, I am going to repost the first letter I wrote to my anorexia, last year whilst I was still gaining weight and having to fight my anorexia more actively. Then I will write a new letter, which should explain how I feel towards my anorexia now that I am very close to being fully recovered.

Old letter...

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,
Karly



New letter...

To my anorexia,

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote you. No longer are you a large part of my life and most of the time, I forget about you all together. Occassionally, you creep your way back in and remind me that you are still there, but I dont listen anyway, no matter what you try to tell me. I know that you are nothing but a monster, so why would I listen to you? I wouldn't listen to anything a murderer tried to tell me and at the end of the day, thats all you are really. You tried to kill me and that is something that is unforgivable. 

Although I hoped you would leave my life completely at the time I wrote my last letter, deep down I was still worried that I would never be able to get rid of you all together. Although I didn't want to admit it, I was worried that you were too strong and that overcoming you all together was simply not possible. But I was brave and believed in myself and beat you time and time again. You continued to get weaker, as I got stronger and after everything I have managed to achieve, I now know that I WILL overcome you all together and make a full recovery. 

When I last wrote you, you were still the thing that consumed most of my life. Now, other things have taken your place and come between us. The most wonderful thing that has entered my life, of course is my incredible boyfriend. My boyfriend has replaced you in so many ways and this stops me from feeling as though I need you anymore. I no longer rely on you to make me feel special or safe as this is what my boyfriend does ever single day. Unlike you though, I know that my boyfriend would never hurt me and only wants what is best for me. Also, I hope that I spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but that definetely is not how I feel about you.

Although you have destroyed years of my life, I still feel as though I should thank you because it was only through fighting you and beating you that I have learned to believe in myself and to accept and love the person that I am.  Before you came into my life, I hated myself and had no self confidence, I suppose thats why you took over so easily. I was vulunerable and you took advantage of my low self esteem. Ok, maybe I dont want to thank you, as you really dont deserve that but in a way I am glad I have been through what I have. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today and I like who I am.

I dont really have anything nore to say to you. I have already wasted enough of my life on you and dont intend to waste anymore.

Yours sincerely, 
Karly

Loving life

Finally, it feels as though everything has fallen into place in my life. I am getting along better with all of my family then I have for as long as I can remember and I have heaps of great friends too, for the first time in years. When I got sick, I pushed so many important people away and it really only has been through my recovery that I have managed to mend those relationships. I have also formed many brand new friendships, that have helped to make my life seem more complete too.

Of course, I cant deny the fact that most of my current happiness is due to my incredible boyfriend. Words really can't explain just how important my boyfriend is to me. Even though we have only been seeing each other for 6 months, I really do feel as though he is my everything and I can't imagine ever not having him by my side. He is so supportive, loving and kind and I still cant believe just how lucky I am to have him in my life. Every moment we aren't together I miss him and every moment we are together I truly treasure.

I start uni in a months time which I am really looking forward to. I will be studying a bachelor of Health Science and cant wait to start studying the biology based subjects that I am so passionate about again. I have finally found a part time job too, which is a huge relief. I am getting along really well with the people I live with and I am adjusting to living in the city again well. Last time I lived in the city to attend uni I was completely miserable, but now that I am so much better I really like it and have no desire to head back home.

After being in such a bad place for so many years, I feel so thankful for how good things are now and try to remember not to ever take my happiness for granted. In saying this, I know that I have worked incredibely hard for my current hapiness, I didn't just get this happy by chance or luck. I Had to fight my illness and make myself miserable, in order to eventually find true happiness. I am proud of myself for fighting so hard for recovery and see my happiness now as a reward for all the hard work I have put into my recovery over the last 12 months.

I believe that if you want to be happy and enjoy life, then you can do it, but you will have to work for it too. Also, remember that in order to make yourself happy in the long run, you will have to make your self unhappy in the short term by confronting your eating disorder and fighting your fears. Recovery is very painful, but always try to remember just how great life will be if you keep pushing through the pain and keep fighting. So please, as long as you dont give up hope and keep fighting,  you too could be loving your life sometime soon!

Eating extra sometimes

One of the hardest things to learn for me in anorexia recovery is that there really is nothing at all wrong with eating more than usual sometimes. Eating extra food does not necessarily lead to weight gain and it does not make you greedy either.

We need to remember that our bodies are amazing enough to use up the energy we give it, even if sometimes this is a little more than other times. It is only when we consistantly give our body a lot more energy then it needs, that weight gain occurs.

I only started to actually believe this when I experienced it myself first hand. Somedays, usually on the weekend with my boyfriend, I eat a considerable amount more than I usually do and on these same days, I usually exercise less too. I dont gain weight however, as I first feared I would.

Obviously my body just puts the extra energy to good use or perhaps it does get stored and is then used later. Either way I dont experience any noticeable weight gain and chances are, you wont either. So dont worry about eating a few extra calories here or there or exercising less somedays either.

So if you go out with friends and enjoy something delicious with them or just feel like a treat, dont be frightened to just do it. Food really isnt something to be frightened of and it isnt something that will hurt you. Food is simply what fuels our bodies and provides us with the energy we need to live happy and healthy lives.

If you still dont believe me and are frightened you will gain heaps of weight if you eat slightly more then you usually do, then please just give it a try anyway. It may seem scary but it is the only way you will see that eating extra sometimes cant hurt you.

In fact, I believe that understanding this fact really is an essential part of the recovery process and you wont be able to make a full recovery until you realise this. So no natter how anxious you feel about eating extra, I highly suggest you try to do it sometimes anyway as this is the only way you will be able to overcome this irrational fear.

Believe you can recover and you will

I think something very important to always remember is that recovery is possible for everyone, you just have to believe it is possible and believe that you can do it. Although it may not  seem like it sometimes, no one is ever to sick to recover. I realise that this may not seem all that convincing, coming from someone who battled anorexia for less then 5 years before recovering.  however there are hundreds of successful recovery stories of people who have battled for more then 20 or 30 years. So please remember that you can recover, no matter how sick you are and no matter how long you have been battling.

If you dont believe you can do it, you wont be able to find the strength to fight your anorexia, each time you need to do so throughout the recovery process. This means that you will just give into whatever your anorexia tells you and you will fail to make any recovery progress. Afterall in order to recover you need to consistently and continuously be stronger then your anorexia until it loses all the power it once had in your life!

Recovery makes you stronger

This is so true! After overcoming all of the obstacles of recovery, I know that I am much stronger then I have ever been before....

Please keep fighting, I promise it will be worth it one day

Be brave and dont live with regrets

After wasting so many of my life sick and not truly living life, I have learnt that life really is too short to live with regrets and to not just say how I feel. So last night, I was incredibely brave and told the guy I like how I feel about him. We are good friends and have been talking a fair bit over the last few days and even though he has a girl friend, I still wanted him to know how I feel about him. 

After being undecided about whether I should be honest with him or not, I finally realised that telling him would not do any harm as I knew that it wouldnt make things awkward between us. We had a pretty long conversation about it, which was amazing and he told me that he has liked me for years and still likes me. I also made him promise to give me a chance, if things dont work out between him and his girl friend ;) which I am secretly (and selfishly) hoping will be the case.

Now we have had this amazing conversation, I am so happy that I was just honest with him. Now, whatever happens, just happens and I wont spend time wondering  about what could have been.  I honestly have no regrets about telling him at all. The reason I am sharing this little story with you is because I want to inspire you to live with no regrets and to not hide how you truly feel. I honestly think that this is the best way to live and that and highly encourage you to give it a go.

It is alot like recovery I guess, if you wait around just hoping things will work out, they most likely wont. You have to go out and fight for what you want to actually make it happen. I know things may never work out with this guy but I havent lost anything through being honest with him either. We still have a great friendship, but now we also know how amazing we think one another are too. 

A big day

Today has been quite a long day but it has also been quite a good day. I got up nice and early as usual, caught up on some blogging, ate breakfast and started getting ready. I took Tess for a nice walk which we both really enjoyed. It wasn't quite as cold this morning as it has been over the last week or so which was a nice change.

I had to drive to Bicheno to work which I was a bit ervous about as it was the first time I had driven along the road that I had my accident on. I could feel myself getting more and more anxious as I got closer and closer to the spot where I actually had my accident but I knew that I just had to be brave and stay calm. Fortunately I got to work in one piece and had a good day at work.

Since getting home tonight, I have picked Amy up because she is staying with me for the night. At the moment we are watching the movie Avatar but we will probably go to bed as soon as it finishes as I am eally tired and we both have to get up quite early in the morning. I have to drive her to her Dance lesson in the morning as mum is working and then I am babysitting my cousins tomorrow night.

I am looking forward to having a proper rest day on Sunday as it has been very hectic these past few weeks and it will be the last day I have off in a while. So I am planning on spending most of the day just resting on the couch as well as doing some study as I have an assesment on Monday morning for my certificate 3 in business. I hope that everyone has a fatastic weekend! :) x

 My two gorgeous girls

Trying to stay positive

Even though things seem bad at the moment, I know that they could be much worse. I just need to be thankful that no one else was involved in the accident and that I am ok. It is ashaim that I have lost my car but cars can always be replaced, people cant be. I just need to keep reminding myself of this and be thankful that I am alive. 

How do I start socialising again?

A social life was just another of the many things that my anorexia stole from me. As my anorexia worsened, I became more and more disconnected from everyone around me. I no longer wanted to see any of my friends and I didn't even want to spend time with my family. I dont know why I felt as though I needed to be on my own so much but it just felt like the easiest option at the time.

Now I am starting to get better, I really want to start getting out there and socialising again but I really dont know how to do this. I feel as though everyone in the town i live in just sees me as the shy one who always stays home and never goes to any events of gatherings and they are right, but I don't want to be that girl anymore. 

I want to have friends or even just people who I can talk to out at the pub or at social gatherings. I want people to invite me to their birthday parties so that I can get out and show everyone that I have changed and that I am now a fun person to be around. It is hard to make friends in a town where there are so few people around my age however I really am desperate to start socalising again. 

In a way, I know that it is my fault that I am now in this situation as whilst I was sick i was invited to many parties or gatherings but never attended any of them. So now everyone just presumes I wouldn't want to go and so they dont even bother to invite me along. I wish that I even had just one other friend that I felt really comfortable around, so that we could go out together and then I could talk to new people too.

And something else I have started thinking about now, that I havent cared about for years, is the fact that I am now wanting to find a boyfriend. I had absolutely no interest in guys when my anorexia was controlling me but now I actually find myself longing for a reationship with a fantastic guy.

I think I just need to be brave and start living the way that a 20 year old girl should be. This may mean stepping outside my comfort zone and socialising with people from outside of the tiny town that I live in. This is the only way i am going to make new friends and meet new people. I just really don't know how to go about doing this.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? How do you think is the best way for me to start socialising again with people in my small home town as well as ways to meet brand new people? I know that I need to make this happen for myself and that it won't happen on its own. I just dont know how to do it.

Brave- Sara Bereilles

This song really hits home for me as it really describes what I want to see from you, as my readers, 'I want to see you be brave'. No matter what stage you are at in your recovery as long as you are brave you CAN keep making progress!  I can give you all advice and support but at the end of the day you are the ones who need to be brave and put it all into action. You are the creators or your own destinies so please, be brave so that you can live the lives you truly deserve to live. I believe in every single one of you, you just need to start believing in your selves too. <3 x

The bucket list

On Saturday night I watched the movie, 'The bucket list.' I really enjoyed the movie as it had one of my favourite actors in it, Morgan Freeman but also because I found it really inspiring. For those of you who havent seen it, this movie is about two terminally sick men who run away in there final few months of life to try and complete a bucket list one of the men had put together.

This got me thinking about the types of things I would like to achieve before I die. some of them may not happen, and thats ok but it is nice to have dreams anyway. Having dreams keeps us looking to the future and heading in the right direction. Someone told me once that your dreams should scare you a little and that if they dont, they aren't  big enough. I had never thought like this before but now I completely agree with this.





My current bucket list (no doubt this will grow)

1. COMPLETELY RECOVER FROM ANOREXIA
2. TRAVEL TO EVERY OTHER CONTINENT AT LEAST ONCE (BESIDES MAYBE               ANTARTICA)
3. MEET ATLEAST ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO I HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW THROUGH BLOGGING AND WHO HAS HELPED ME THROUGH MY RECOVERY SO FAR
4. FIND AN AMAZING GUY WHO LOVES ME FOR WHO I TRULY AM
5. HAVE CHILDREN WHO ARE PROUD TO CALL ME THEIR MUM
6. HELP OTHERS WHO ARE BATTLING ANOREXIA TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE         STRONG ENOUGH TO RECOVER
7. FIND A WAY TO LET MY DAD KNOW JUST HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME
8. LEARN TO EAT INTUITIVELY AND TREAT MY BODY WITH THE RESPECT IT             DESERVES
9. GO ON A BLIND DATE
10. TO HAVE THE CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF TO DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING
11. TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND LIKE WHAT I SEE
12. GO ON A ROADTRIP RIGHT AROUND AUSTRALIA
13. STAND ON TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER
14. SWIM WITH DOLPHINS
15. CREATE OR BUY MY DREAM HOME
16. GO TO DISNEY LAND
17. TO MEND WHATS BROKEN BETWEEN ME AND MY MUM
18. TO RAISE AWARENESS OF EATING DISORDERS AND BREAKDOWN THE STIGMAS SURROUNDING THEM
19. BE A REGULAR VOLUNTEER FOR A CHARITY OR IMPORTANT ORGANISATION
20. DROVE CATTLE ON HORSE BACK THROUGH THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK OR       THROUGH THE SNOWY MOUNTAINS

A huge day

I have had a huge day today and it feels like forever since I left home this morning. I left home at 6:30am and it was still completely dark. It was wet and windy while driving up to launceston and the closer I got, the more nervous I began to feel about driving through the city. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I reached my hotel and realized I had been worried over nothing. The hotel is only at the edge of the city and in the area of Launceston I am most familiar with which also helped a lot.

The reason I am so familiar with the area is because the hotel is directly accross the road from the hospital where I was an inpatient for 6 weeks. While I was an inpatient I would go for my daily walks around the area (which were actually more like runs). The whole time I was walking I was completely controlled by my anorexia and when I got back the nurses would always be angry with me as I would be hot and sweaty from walking so fast.

I would love to go and see the nurses on the kids ward while I am here but I dont think I will as they would probably be dissapointed with me, as I am actually thinner now then I was when I was first admitted there. I have made plans to go out for tea with my Best Friend who lives in Launceston Thursday night. Grace has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and I will always consider her to be my best friend even though I feel as though we have become a bit more distant since I got sick.

All of the people attending the training course are lovely which has also been very reassuring for me. And I have coped relatively well with my food considering being so far outside my comfort zone. After looking through the restaurant menu here at the hotel I soon realised that the type of food was very 'fancy' and nothing at all like what I was used to. Half of the ingredients in the meal descriptions I had never even heard of and the meals were incredibely expensive.

A few of the options were;

Togarashi Spiced Crispy Skin Salmon with Spanner Crab, sweet corn and nishiki rice

Roasted Chicken breast with tomatoes, red peppers and shitake mushrooms w' coriander verde'

Charred venison with sweet potato, garlic and eggplant w' fried ginko beans and jus

So you can probably see why the menu looked a little intimidating to me whose idea of going out for tea is having a counter meal at the pub with my family. I decided to go to the supermarket and get some shelf ready hokkien stir fry noodles, chicken breast and teriyaki sauce. When I got back to my hotel room I ordered a plate of steamed vegetables from room service and then mixed them with the noodles (which I just needed to add to boiling water, chicken and teriyaki sauce to make a yummy terriyaki chicken stir fry. It was delicious, but not as nice as the vanilla slice I had for dessert that I also bought from the supermarket. It has been a long time since I last ate vanilla slice but it has always been my favourite type of bakery dessert. As well as the slice I have also had a pear and a honeycomb hot chocolate since tea.

I am not 100% sure whether I would have eaten more or less than I usually do today as my meal plan has been a little disrupted. I missed my small portion of fruit at morning tea time and my drink of juice at afternoon tea time but could have eaten more than usual for tea and dessert, I honestly dont know. Regardless of whether I ate a few more or few less calories then usual, I am still happy with what I ate and what I have achieved today. I certainly would not have lost weight even if I did eat a little bit less as I still ate heaps and I faced a lot of my fears.

Tomorrow I am going to stick to my meal plan as much as I possibely can, up until Tea and dessert anyway to ensure I am eating the right amount for me whilst I am recovering. I am going to the hotels restaurant with my friend on Thursday night so if I dont feel brave enough to tackle one of the hotels 'fancy' meals tomorrow night on my own, I may go to another restaurant in town.

I hope everyone has had a great day today! :)

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