A little motivation to start the weekend

Staying away from your triggers

A 'triggrs' is a term used to describe things that have actually caused a persons eating disorder to develop or anything that makes a persons eating disorder worse, once they are already sick. Triggers can be people, places or things that make someone feel as though they want or need to listen to their eating disorder (if it has already developed) in order to feel better and therefore encourages you to practice unhealthy eating disorder behaviors. For me studying was a huge trigger for my eating disorder, as was living at home with my mum.

Sometimes it can be very hard to separate or emotionally disconnect yourself from people who stop you from recovery or make your eating disorder worse. These triggering people could be one of your parents (like in my case), your partner, a friend, a sibling or even another family member. It may not even necessarily be the other persons fault, that you find them triggering but it is still better to separate yourself from them if you can. And if that person truly loves you and cares about you, they should be able to understand.

I have actually explained to my mum that while its not necessarily her fault, everything that has happened between us has turned her into a trigger for my anorexia. Everytime she hurts me, I feel an extreme urgency to restrict and she also triggers me because she doesnt eat very much and is very thin herself. Everytime I see her drinking I get extremely upset and angry and it is therefore becomes much harder not to listen to my anorexia, when it tells me that if I do what it says, I will feel a lot better. I think that mum also triggers me because I feel as though I cant fix our relationship no matter how hard I try. Mum makes me feel more anxious then anything else which therefore makes me want to gain back control by using my anorexic behaviours.

While I still try to be friendly to my mum, I have learnt to disconnect myself from her emotionally so that if she lies to me or does something hurtful, I am not completely heart broken, as I have been in the past and therefore am not as triggered. I have only been able to start making true progress in my recovery since I have left home and I honestly think that this is because I dont spend very much time with my mum anymore. I still love my mum but I know that while I am recovering it is just better if I am not close to her. Hopefully one day we will be able to have a better relationship but for now, I have enough other people in my life that care for me unconditionally and make me feel loved.

My recovery song

Most people have songs that they associate with various experiences throughout their lives and for me, the song that I relate to my recovery is Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. If you read through the lyrics below I am sure you will be able to see why this song is so special to me as it sums up recovery so well. I hope the video works but if it doesn't here are the lyrics as well. :)

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Want to feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Faraway
And breakaway

Want to feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Faraway
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging 'round revolvin' doors
Maybe I don't know where they take me
But gotta keep movin' on
Movin' on
Fly away
Breakaway

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Breakaway
Breakaway